Wednesday, October 19, 2011

For science!

One of the unexpected benefits of having multiple sexual partners is that we can talk about and compare our bodies and our sexual preferences; the differences between us are often fascinating.

For example, my vagina is deeper than Lupa's; this is probably why we enjoy different sensations when being penetrated. She prefers ribs and bumps and textures, while I prefer smooth, deep, hard fuckings. As another example, Gene has a bigger clit than I do, which means oral techniques that drive her wild just don't work on me.

The other fun thing about my sexual partners is that I have more people to learn from. Not too long ago I was having sexytime with Lupa and Ume, and when I gestured for Lupa to start sucking off Ume, she hesitated. "I actually don't know very much about how to do that," she admitted.

"All right, lesson time!" Ume said, sitting up. What followed was a brief anatomy lecture on the parts of the male genitalia and the relative sensitivity of each part. He then showed us a handjob technique he called "Five-Star Exploding Palm Technique" that I have to try out on Master next time we're together.

I know that when people say someone approaches sex "academically," they mean it as an insult. But for me and my lovers, it's the opposite; we love learning, we're curious people, and we enjoy engaging each other intellectually as well as - and sometimes at the same time as - sexually. (The subject line is often the "excuse" we provide when we suggest a new sexual activity.)

I don't know how common this attitude is in the population at large. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in our own little kinky/poly world that I forget we're not the norm. For example, I recently read a study that found the median "ideal number" of sexual partners for both men and women was one. Only one?! I thought. That can't be right! It's gotta be two or three. Then I remembered - most people do that whole monogamy thing. Oh yeah...

I need to be careful not to have my worldview lose the wider perspective. That would be unscientific. :)

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

New experiences

I had my first orgy over the weekend.

There were nine people including me, two of whom I'd never met before that night (but were quite lovely people, really).

There wasn't very much fucking going on, actually - but a tooon of oral. I didn't mind in the least, of course; I adore both giving and receiving from both sexes. There was lots of giggling and hardly any awkwardness, which means that I feel secure declaring the orgy a resounding success. Huzzah!

I think I am getting used to Master and me being not-primaries. I didn't feel the need to be all up on him the entirety of the orgy (and the party leading up to it), and I didn't get super-depressed about the short amount of time we had together.

I think that now the expectation that we will eventually live together - that we should live together - has been lifted, I'm starting to relax. I still get bummed out about it sometimes, to be honest, but it's getting better. Slowly, it is getting better.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Quality instead of quantity

I discovered this post on What Kind of Submissive Are You? My brief answers:

  1. How much do you like being owned? That is an 8-10 to me. I get a real thrill knowing that I am Master's pet, and his alone.
  2. How much do you like to serve? 5-7. Sometimes I enjoy serving Master, but other times I prefer to be pampered by him.
  3. How much do you want to be degraded, yelled at, called "dirty" or a "slut"? 4-8. This one varies wiiiidely. On the one hand, I love it when he calls me his "slut" and his "cum bucket" and other sexually-charged things like that. On the other hand, I hate hate hate being called stupid, or a bitch, or things like that that aren't explicitly sexually charged.
  4. How much do you want to be tied down and restrained? 10!!! This is my favorite - both physically and psychologically!
  5. Do you want or need to be beaten? I'd say this is an 8. I really crave a good spanking, but I'm pretty sure I'm a wuss compared to a lot of subs when it comes to physical punishment.
  6. How much do you like to be fucked? 10!!! BDSM and sex are pretty closely tied for me.
  7. How much do you desire to be given away? 5. On the one hand, I like the fantasy of it. On the other hand, I would not want it to mean I couldn't be with Master anymore, and I wouldn't want it to be with someone I wouldn't have sex with on my own anyway. (So it's a pretty select list, when you get down to it.)

Sunday, September 18, 2011

"From Vista to XP"

Master and I have downgraded our relationship.

Basically, we're not primary partners anymore. But we don't have "replacement" primaries either. Just secondaries all around.

I'm still trying to adjust to this; I'm not going to lie, I didn't exactly want it to happen. I'm not yet comfortable with how little input I have in his outside relationships (e.g. no more veto power), even though it also means I have much more freedom.

At least he's still my Master, and I'm still his only kitten. I'm glad we still have that.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011


Lately I've had a hard time keeping positive about my relationship with Master; all I can think about is how far apart we are, all the things that we can't do together because we live in different states, all the people that he's with that aren't me.

So, to help cheer me up, here is a list of things that I'm grateful for in my relationship with him:
  1. I am grateful that I can use modern technology to see his face even when we're hundreds of miles away, or to chat with him even when we're at work.
  2. I am grateful that my clutter won't make him frustrated because he's not here to see it.
  3. I am grateful that I can own cats - he'd never allow it if we lived together.
  4. I am grateful that we're only three hours apart instead of five, or eight.
  5. I am grateful that I got to spend one night in his arms this past weekend.
  6. I am grateful that I got to have sex with him once this past weekend.
  7. I am grateful that he is willing to listen to me when I'm upset.
  8. I am grateful that he is willing to work with me to help me feel more secure.
  9. I am grateful that he loves me.
  10. I am grateful that he wants to make our relationship work.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011


Lady Gaga attended the MTV Awards as her male alter-ego, Jo Calderone. Naturally, this caused quite a stir among the media, which immediately began digging up all the tidbits on the performance (for it was a performance, make no mistake) that they could. Some of the resulting coverage was obviously put out by people not familiar with drag ("OMG! SHE WORE A FAKE PENIS!!!" Uh... it's called packing.) while some of it was pretty interesting.

For example, apparently Jo used the men's restroom. If it's true (I take all celebrity gossip rags with a mountain of salt), it's a neat commentary on how silly gender-segregated bathrooms are in general.

I also found it amusing that she went in drag for her award in the Best Female Video category. I'm positive that was entirely intentional. After all, what is "female", anyway?

I noticed that a lot of the responses to Jo were that the character was "exhausting" and "annoying." The accent certainly was grating after a bit (And the slouching! Stand up, man!), but overall I found the performance entertaining. It hit on the major theme of Gaga's schtick - the idea that she is constantly performing. And I was intrigued that Jo hinted that was not a good thing. (But what is the alternative? We are always performing for someone, even if it is just ourselves.) I also liked that he highlighted the ultra-femininity of Gaga's usual persona, as opposed to, well, him. Some times it seemed like the (probably mostly, if not entirely) cis male backup dancers were dancing more femininely than Jo was. They certainly did more pirouettes, which actually made sense considering they weren't holding microphones.

I'll be interested to see if Jo appears more often in the future. Admittedly, I haven't been keeping up with all things Gaga because her latest album was rather meh, IMO. But I'm sure that the media will get all aflutter again the next time Jo shows up, so I'm bound to hear about it.

Friday, August 26, 2011

Stay sharp

I'm trying to decide if the infrequency of the kink scenes I can participate in is a good thing or a bad thing.

On the one hand, I'm more sensitive, which means it doesn't take as much to get the same subjective effect.

On the other hand, I can't take as much abuse! It wounds my pride. I also worry that Master gets frustrated if he can't do all the mean things he used to.

So what could I do to keep myself "in practice," as it were? I don't usually go for self-inflicted sadism, but maybe it's worth a shot.

Friday, August 19, 2011


This is what happens when Master decides to fuck me while I'm updating my blog, and forces me to type what I'm thinking while he does it. He gave me a few prompts on the subject matter. Such as what we'd do if we were with Ume and Gene, and what I liked about being with Furby. And then he made me post it because I'm a bad sub who didn't update her blog on time!


Being in a long-distance relationship is tough. I don't think that's news to anyone. It's difficult in a lot of ways:

1) Lack of physical intimacy. No matter what kind of relationship you have - open or closed,;aljkm d bfddddddddddddf;dsflfdsdsfdfsfdsdsfhyfggrf ficn;lka;lksi can'tjoaiw; dsid don't know what tgo tyopeow owow owowoowowowowowowo it feels goootooooi i love ;oyou mastere ikjdkits so deep i can't i don't know what to type it feels good i f ffnon me=y back dkkdkdkdkdkd ofn py back i yses herkdi don' fuck me on my back with you on top please an dhold my face down i'd have them pull nout athe sofaebed and put the air mattress next to it and then jiddid and hand then d we'd jfbli i wnant to watfch you fuk gene i want youj jaj;lralkiouji wnant to watch you fuck her FROM BEHIND!!!!!!!!!!!! nand then i'd have you fuck me as i s;uckeds off ume and athtthaht;se gene would play with you r neuts dk and dkty and then dk and then i would suck you off while gene sat on your face and you would taste her sweet pussy

i like being spanked when I'm bent over the bed with my arms stretched out in front of me and tied down maybe my legs tied down toooooo and then i can't see what master is going to hit me with next

i liked it when i got to taste her pussy because it tasted so sweet and so good and i liked filming you fuck her andtasting her while you fuck me . watching you two vie for control was also fun to watch and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and i liked it when i was tied to the headboar

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Death by Snu-Snu!

Recently I've found myself entranced with the idea of Amazonian women. I think I know what triggered it; I got hooked on the excellent webcomic Drowtales, where Drow women are the dominant gender and typically portrayed as larger and stronger than Drow men, and I also have been reading the excellent comic series Secret Six by Gail Simone, which features Knockout (technically an alien) and several literal Amazons, including the most famous example, Wonder Woman.

As is the case with almost any superhero that's been around for seventy (!!!) years, Wonder Woman's been portrayed in many different ways over the years, and I find myself drawn to a specific version of her: 6+ feet tall (officially she's supposed to be 5'11", but more recent artists have drawn her at about the same height as Superman, who's 6'3"), clearly muscular, and in many ways more of a warrior than either Bats or Supes - namely, in that she is willing to kill if necessary. Her access to magical items, and her resistance to magic, arguably make her even more powerful than Superman; she's probably the only person who could kill him in a straight-up fight (and has come close to doing so)!

I'm not sure if I want to be one of these Amazons or if I want to be with one. I think it's a little of both; the idea of being in the mere presence of such a powerful and commanding person gives me the chills, and at the same time I like to imagine what it would be like to wield that kind of strength and martial prowess. I guess that's the switch in me, wanting to at once dominate and be dominated - for in any of my daydreams and fantasies involving an Amazon, she is never the one being dominated. Amazons, by their very nature, cannot be dominated by anyone (except maybe another Amazon).

Thanks to DnD, I can express my desires to an extent; I recently created a female paladin of St. Cuthbert who's 6'1" and expresses a lot of the traits I associate with the Amazon character: quiet competence, protectiveness (particularly towards other women), and devotion to noble ideals that she tries to temper with pragmatism (though she doesn't always succeed, and sometimes gets too zealous). In fact, right now all the female PCs in this DnD campaign are tanks and heavy hitters, while all the male PCs are squishy rogues and spellcasters! I'm having a lot of fun with it. :)

Another feature of Amazon stories that I like is the exploration of matriarchal societies. Drowtales in particular does a good job of imagining what a militant matriarchal society would be like, though occasionally I can't help but think, "That attitude makes sense only if the character were raised in a patriarchy! Which s/he wasn't!" Maybe this is just a hint that I should try my hand at writing my own.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Square peg, round hole?

Master and I have reached a meeting of the minds, as it were, with our old friends Ume and Gene, and now we swing together* whenever our schedules allow.

We have a planned rendez-vous later this month, and last night I chatted with Ume about what we'd like to do the next time we meet. Eventually he brought up that, though this month's meeting would be too soon for comfort, sometime in the future he'd be interested in perhaps trying pegging.

I've considered whether I'd like to try pegging before, and I must say that I find the idea a little weird, though not so much that I'm unwilling to try it. However, I'm trying to determine what the source of my disinterest is.

Part of it is that I'm not confident in my ability to avoid hurting Ume - it's the same reason I'm hesitant to anally penetrate anyone, male or female. However, there does seem to be something to woman-on-man penetration that I find mildly off-putting in a way that man-on-man, woman-on-woman, and man-on-woman penetration are not. This makes me think that my discomfort is a result of socialization.

This doesn't quite make sense to me, even though that's where the evidence points; after all, I enjoy fem dom/male sub as much as any other permutation of genders and power dynamics. And even then, penetration doesn't always equate with domination anyway - so why does the specific scenario of a woman penetrating a man cause this reaction?

My frustration with the irrationality of the whole thing makes me more keen on trying it at least once, to see if I can overcome the socialization that I believe is affecting me. However, I think this does raise a larger question: how do we find the balance between owning our sexual preferences and working to undo sexist/racist/whatever conditioning? For example, while it's okay to find, say, Asian women attractive, it's not okay to fetishize them as "exotic" or anything like that. How do we discern what is a genuine and/or benign preference and what is a problematic mindset? (And that doesn't even get into the post-structuralist idea that there is no such thing as "genuine" sexual attraction or gender expression. (Yes, I've been reading Judith Butler lately, how did you guess?))

In any case, as I said, pegging is something I'm willing to try. Maybe once I'm actually performing the act I'll find out it's actually awesome; maybe I'll grow to love it, like I did with spanking. Or maybe I'll just be "meh," but at least I can say I tried it. There are very few sexual practices that I'm willing to dismiss offhand.

*I get the impression that "swinging" as a concept has something of a sour flavor for the poly community in general, but that really is the best way to describe what we do, I think. However, I'll save that for another post.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011


Recently I had a conversation with Master that went along these lines:

Master: I'm thinking I'm going to cut back on masturbating. Not stop entirely, but try to restrain myself more.

Me: Oh?

Master: Yeah. I want to limit myself to two times a day.

Me: Two times a day?! How often do you usually do it?!

Master: About six times a day.


Master: Yeah, about.

Me: ...Wow. Like, I'm not even upset or anything. I'm just... impressed! Most guys have trouble just getting it up half that number of times! (Or so I hear.)

It's true - I am really impressed. However, it also got me thinking. You see, I haven't really masturbated in... well, months. I used to do it several times a week - sometimes multiple times a day - but for the past several months my desire to jerk off has plummeted.

My sex drive hasn't been affected at all; I still want to fuck Master a good three times a day or so when we're together. But I never get a very strong urge to masturbate anymore; it's nothing more than a vague, "Hmm, wanking might be nice," but the urge is never strong enough to make me do anything about it. I tried wanking last night, but I got distracted by (non-sexually) playing with my lopsided labia (they are quite fun to mess with), and the mood left me.

I'm kind of sad about this. I know that one's sexual desires fluctuate over time and all that, and it's not like I don't want to have sex anymore, but masturbating is fun! I know that it's relaxing, that it helps perk up my mood, and other fun things. I wonder if I should just make a habit of trying to masturbate every day, or something like that, to jump-start my desire again. I've heard that cis women's sex drives are a "use it or lose it" type thing, where the more you are sexual, the more you want to be sexual. Maybe that's my issue. I'll give it a try.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

So that's what they were talking about

I've been pretty lucky since living on my own, as I generally haven't had to deal with the minor terrors that often accompany being a single woman. Not a lot of catcalls, I live in a pretty safe neighborhood, that kind of thing.

But there's a creeper who's been creeping around my apartment building recently, and while he hasn't done anything threatening, his constant presence and his insistence on striking up a conversation is unnerving. He always manages to remind me that I'm a woman, and I'm alone, and therefore I am vulnerable.

I hate it.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Where to turn

For a series of reasons that I won't get in to, a while ago Master vetoed a guy I was seeing. I ended things with the guy, but I'd still like to be friends with him.

Master has a lot more experience maintaining relationships with exes than I do (mine have all tended to drift out of my life altogether), so I thought I'd ask him for advice and reassurance.

But he got mad as soon as I mentioned the guy, and he shut down the conversation. I don't understand; I thought he said I wouldn't have to cut the guy out of my life entirely, but it seems like I will have to if I don't want to either 1) frequently piss Master off or 2) keep one of my friends "in the closet" all the time.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I love Master utterly and completely, and I'm not going to leave him over this. But it still hurts.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011


I participated in my first MFMFF fivesome this weekend with Ume, Gene, Master, and Lupa. It was originally supposed to be a foursome, but we picked up Lupa on the way. :D

It was a lot of fun, even though it was mostly "one guy on this bed, one guy on this bed, ladies switch up occasionally." I suppose that's what'll happen when you have one straight guy and one mostly-straight guy. I kind of wish I had a little more time to fuck Ume, but Master called the safeword and requested we change partners. At first I was worried that I'd somehow done something wrong - had I broken a rule without realizing it? had I done something to trigger jealousy? - but he says he enjoyed the experience, so I suppose I shouldn't fret about it. He's always taken safewords much less... hmmm... seriously? than me. As in, I tend to think (whether rightly or wrongly) that safewords should only be used for "WHOA BACK THE FUCK UP" situations, while he uses them more as in, "time out, I'm breaking character for a sec," such as if I just cracked a joke that made him giggle in a very un-domly matter.

We all agreed that it'd be fun to do again sometime. I hope that winds up happening.

Although I think I'd like to take a more toppy (or at least switchy/combative) role with Ume next time we're together. While I didn't have a problem being subby towards him, it definitely wasn't the same as submitting to Master. Then again, it's likely no one else can replicate the way Master makes me feel.

I'm starting to think that I'm more a straight-up switch, and there's just something about Master that brings out the uber-sub in me.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011


When random strangers are offering spanks with a Bat-signal-shaped riding crop, do NOT say you want to be spanked "very hard" because you don't have any idea what their definition of "very hard" is.

Four days later and I still have a bat-bruise!

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Good influence

Recently I visited Ume and Gene to celebrate their birthday. (They were born on the same day!) When I was regaling a friend of the event later on, I ended the story with, "The events immediately preceding me falling asleep are kinda blurry. And then I woke up in a bed with four other people, and my skirt was missing." I thought it was quite funny.

"...Wow," my friend said. "I don't think I've ever heard someone tell that kind of story as if it were a good thing."

I realized with a start that he was right - in a different context, what I said could be horrifying. But for me it wasn't; it was pretty typical with how parties with my friends ended. In fact, that party was downright chaste compared to what we usually do - I hadn't done anything more than some close dancing, a kiss or two, and clothes-on snuggling while in bed. (I learned soon after the party that Master had helped me out of my skirt because he didn't want me to wrinkle it in my sleep. So thoughtful!)

That level of trust, that kind of casual intimacy, is normal to me, but I forget it's not normal for a lot of people. Which I suppose isn't a bad thing if people don't want to be that physically close to people, but I certainly wouldn't have it any other way. It's the kind of environment where I really came into my own in terms of my sexuality (and other things, for that matter). I'm glad that my friends and I are making a real effort to keep that network of intimacy even as we spread out across the region post-graduation. I don't know how I'd survive without it.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

O My

A bit more on The Story of O, now that I've finished it:

It certainly reads like a French novel, especially with the large amounts of indirect dialogue. ("He asked her if she'd been to see him, and she said she had." etc.) Considering it was first published in 1954, it wasn't nearly as misogynist as I feared it would be. There was still cringe-worthy material, to be sure, such as the descriptions of O's attraction to men vs. women, but the importance of consent featured fairly prominently in the story, and overall I found it a reasonably accurate portrayal of why a sub decides to submit (with some leeway given for the realm of fantasy that the story lives in).

I could also see a lot of similarities between the traditions and lifestyle depicted in the book and traditions practiced today in the kink community: the love of corsets and plush, anachronistic surroundings; the use of masks; even the way the slaves are trained to sit. I wonder, however, if the present-day kink community was influenced by the book, or if the book was describing traditions that already existed. It's something I'd like to look more in to.

It also gave me some ideas of things I'd like to try. For one, I'd like to try bondage with things other than rope. I know leather straps are a bit cliche, but there is definitely an aesthetic appeal there. Getting flogged/cropped on my thighs is also intriguing. Master and I have discussed the idea of whoring me out to other people, but that's not something we'll probably be doing anytime soon.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Words! Mean! Things!

I've finally gotten around to reading The Story of O. I'm not completely done with it yet, so I won't give a detailed post on my impressions, but I do want to say this:

"Womb" does not mean "vulva" or "vagina."

"Belly" does not mean "vulva" or "vagina."

I understand wanting to use euphemistic language for the genitalia; however, don't use words that are for completely different body parts!

Seriously, what does, "He seized her womb," even mean? I imagine him grabbing her pooch - or, granting that by "womb" the author actually meant "vulva," him tugging at her labia. Neither image is particularly sexy, nor do I suspect that was what the author intended.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Out of time

In the same way that populations level out once they've reached carrying capacity, I've reached carrying capacity in my romantic population. Though I'd like to find a lady lover in my home town, I simply do not have the time or the energy, especially considering lady-loving ladies are much harder to come by than lady-loving dudes.

But then I feel shitty because it's almost like I'm falling into heterosexuality out of laziness. :(

I just discovered there's a gay bar just a few blocks from my apartment. I should hit it up sometime soon.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

How to be pro-choice when the choice isn't yours to make

Recently I had a conversation with Ume, and later with Master, about the roles, rights, responsibilities that each partner has when dealing with an unexpected pregnancy. They were really refreshing because, even though I disagreed with them on some things, we were always affectionate, respectful, and thoughtful to each other. That rarely happens when talking about anything even tangentially related to abortion.

Anyway, it got me thinking, and here's some things that I think all male-bodied folk can do to be supportive of their female-bodied partners:

  1. DO have a conversation about what to do in the event of unexpected pregnancy. Ideally, do this before an unexpected pregnancy actually happens. But, this is the real world, so that's not always going to happen.
  2. DO listen to everything your partner has to say. Sometimes it's simple as, "I'll get an abortion if I get pregnant." Sometimes it's, "I'll keep it if we've been living together for a year." Sometimes it's, "I don't know what I'd do."
  3. DO decide if your partner's plan is compatible with your plans, values, etc. If there is a fundamental disagreement, it is okay to end the relationship. This is a big issue, and you shouldn't force yourself or your partner to compromise; it's better for both of you to find other people you're more compatible with.
  4. DON'T give your opinion unless your partner asks. Like it or not, abortion and pregnancy can be a very stressful thing. If your partner doesn't identify as a woman, that can compound the issue, considering how tied up pregnancy is with the "ESSENCE OF WOMANHOOD" and all that bullshit. Some people want their partners' input; others do not. Respect what your partner prefers.
Yep, that's about it.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Slutty Ethics

I finally got around to reading The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy, which Ume and Gene gave to me for Christmas. As it's one of the only books explicitly about ethical non-monogamy available, of course I'd already heard a lot about it. Specifically, I'd already heard one of the biggest criticisms of the book, which is that it places too much emphasis on "owning one's feelings," which leads to people blaming themselves for their partners' legitimately problematic behavior.

I can definitely see where this criticism comes from. However, I don't think it's what the authors intended. (Somewhere, my Literary Criticism professor's hair just stood up on the back of her neck!) When Easton and Hardy talk about owning your feelings, they specifically talk about it in the context of giving yourself agency. When you realize that your feelings are coming from within you and aren't inflicted upon you, you realize that you have options on how to deal with those feelings.

Where Easton and Hardy fell flat, in my opinion, is that they never explicitly said, "One of those options is to end the relationship." They do talk about determining your limits, and they talk about breaking up, and how not every conflict has a happy resolution. However, I think they needed to tie that idea more closely to the idea of owning one's feelings.

Overall, though, I thought the book was very good. While a lot of the "exercises" that it included weren't the most helpful, considering I've been poly for several years, it still had a lot of valuable insight. It did get a little "hippy-dippy" at times, but Easton and Hardy kept their observations pertinent to modern culture. Though I wouldn't go so far as to say every poly person should own this book, it's definitely a good idea to check it out from the library.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

I'm coming out

I have to come out to my parents. Tapeti's graduation is on Memorial Day weekend, and they're going to want a damn good reason why I can't come visit them.

I know that I need to do it, and I know more or less exactly what I'm going to say. I'm also pretty sure they'll take to it all right; Master came out to his mother, who was completely unfazed by it.

I'm still scared out of my mind, though.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Good news, everyone!

Well, I'm excited! My good friend Ume and his fiancee, Gene*, have been open for a while. They approached Master and me a while back about a possible hook-up, but we were just starting our relationship with Tapeti at the time, so we said "not right now." Then Master and I were talking about it, and we decided to bring it back up with them. And they said yes! Yaaaaay. :D

We still need to hash out the specifics of what/where/when. We don't want to do a straight-up swap; that feels kind of weird. However, I am intrigued by watching a couple have sex and have sex at the same time. The idea of hearing them beside me, of seeing them moving together while I can feel Master moving in me, is incredibly hot.

Also, OMG! Two penises! I've never been able to play with two at the same time before, so that will be fun. I don't think Master and Ume are interested in playing directly with each other, which makes the yaoi fangirl in me shed a single tear, but I still think it'll be fun.

I'm not sure how much Gene will want to play with me; she's mostly straight, AFAIK, which means I might not be able to eat her pussy. Sad day. But I know she's fine with makin' out with ladies, so that's something, at least!

I am so excite.

*Pseudonyms, obviously.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

...But not TOO out there.

I recently read an interview with Lady Gaga (I wouldn't call myself a "little monster," but I do think she does some cool stuff), and something in particular struck me as I was reading it. When the author presses Gaga about her recent subdermal body mods in her face and shoulders, and whether it might inspire her fans to get similar body mods, she says, "It's artistic expression.... It's a performance-art piece. I have never, ever encouraged my fans or anyone to harm themselves, nor do I romanticize masochism.... [M]y fans know me. They would never hurt themselves. And if they have hurt themselves, they come to me and say, 'Gaga, I want to stop, and your music helps me want to stop. Your music makes me want to love myself.' I am in no way promoting sadomasochism or masochism."

...Wait, what?

There's a drastic conflation of three disparate things here: BDSM, body modification, and self harm. The first is about consensual kink, which can manifest in countless ways; the second is about aesthetically altering one's appearance for myriad reasons; the third is about intentionally injuring oneself as a coping mechanism or as a symptom of mental illness. I'm sure there's some amount of overlap in these three populations - some people with tattoos self harm, some kinksters enjoy body mods - but I shouldn't have to point out that these are far from synonymous.

As a self-appointed figurehead/ambassador/idol for all the "monsters" of the world - all the "weirdos" and "freaks" and their myriad subcultures - I would expect Gaga to be aware of this. It's irresponsible of her not to; why would I want to be represented by someone who doesn't even understand me?

Unless she doesn't actually want to reach out to me and my kind at all; maybe, for all her messages of inclusiveness and accepting yourself as you are, there was an implicit "except for you people."

Wouldn't be the first time that's happened.


Saturday, April 16, 2011

All eyes turn north

If you're at all involved in polyamory, you've probably heard about the court case in Canada that challenges its long-held anti-polygamy law on the grounds that it is unconstitutionally broad. They just finished with closing arguments, so perhaps we'll hear a ruling soon.

I think the case made against this law is pretty good. The harmful behavior that it's purportedly trying to prevent - child marriage, abuse, etc. - are already criminalized, so this law is redundant. Similarly, it makes no distinction between an egalitarian polyamorous relationship and an abusive patriarchal one. I'm sure this was intentional; I imagine the law, despite what is claimed now, was designed to prohibit non-monogamy for the sake of being non-monogamy.

It's easy to say non-monogamy is inherently bad when you're using non-secular morality. Can't really argue with, "God says so." However, the only basis for secular morality is the prevention of harm to self and others. And when you genuinely and vigorously apply secular morality to a lot of our laws governing personal behavior, as Canada seems to be doing a much better job of than the U.S., those laws start to fall apart.

I'm currently too cynical to expect the U.S. to develop a true separation of church and state; I don't think it ever existed, thanks to certain segments of the population who are convinced that a Christian theocracy is the only way to... um... actually, I'm not sure what they're trying to do. Win at life, maybe? Anyway, I think it'll be a long time before we are able to critically examine our laws with a truly secular mindset. But who knows. Apparently a slight majority of U.S. citizens support gay marriage now; something I wasn't expecting for a while. And I didn't expect us to elect a non-white president until I was middle-aged at least (though that seemed to be a "one step forward; one hundred steps back" situation). So maybe I can allow myself to be a little optimistic about this.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

It works out

Offbeat Home featured a fun post about how to appropriate the Iron Gym for other kinds of exercise. Master has one of these nifty fellers, and that immediately got me thinking.

-I wouldn't trust this as a swing; it's not meant to be permanent, and it's not meant to, um, swing on.

-I think this could work as a spreader bar, too. Maybe stick one's head through the middle part for a pseudo-yoke thing?

-However, I think having it in the doorway, and then having one's wrists tied to it, would be the best use. Now that neither of us are living in a place with exposed pipework in the ceiling, it's not as easy for Master to string me up, and I miss the sensation. While it didn't involve actual suspension, often times I would feel like I was dangling - like when I wanted to fall over from whatever he was doing, but was forced to remain at least partially erect.

Once Master gets his own place (he's in the process of moving), we'll have to try it out. Or I could get my own Iron Gym - they're quite useful for non-sexual reasons too, I've discovered. :)

Monday, April 4, 2011


There are some songs I like that, whether because of the music video or the lyrics or je ne sais quoi, really trigger the kinky side(s) of me when I hear them. While I don't generally have a "soundtrack" or background music of any sort when I scene (or if I do, it's not chosen specifically to get me in the "kinky" mood), I do enjoy the subby or dommy feelings that these songs elicit when I'm in the car, or at work, or anywhere that I happen to hear them. It's a way to indulge my kinkiness anywhere I please without getting arrested! :D

First, let's get the obvious one out of the way: Rihanna's "S&M"

Yeah, I know this one's almost too easy. I haven't really looked at how the kink community responded to this song, so I don't know what kind of critiques it's faced. (Though I'd be interested to read them, if anyone would be so kind as to point me in the right direction.) I imagine the most obvious is the usual "appropriating kink just for shock value/sales," but for some reason I feel this isn't the case (as much as it usually is, anyway).

This video discards most of the kink stereotypes - there isn't a black leather catsuit to be seen! - and has several kinks featured that are generally ignored outside the scene, like mummification in plastic wrap. And that's why I like this video. It feels more like how I actually experience kink much of the time - bright and fun and chaotic and goofy. None of that gloomy dungeons-and-leather stuff. (Not that there's anything wrong with that! I'm just usually not in the mood for it.)

It also hits on several specific kinks of mine: shibari, mummification, petplay, flogging, and being put on display. (Not sure if that counts as exhibitionism? It has a different feel to it than what I associate with the term.)

Also, I'd be topped by Rihanna. Any day.

Next up: Katy Perry's "E.T."

There's a lot to criticize about Katy Perry - I am incredibly ambivalent and uncomfortable about her (in?)famous "I Kissed A Girl" for reasons that deserve their own post - but this song and video only make me go, "OMG YES YES WANT."

This one's interesting because it throws my fetishes at odds with each other, kind of, but in a neat way. I'm very turned on by the idea of abduction by an alien creature, so when I see Katy Perry's alien (OMG THOSE EYES *SWOONS*) I want to be dominated by it/her. Yet it's the alien who's singing about being dominated. (by a human?) So I simultaneously empathize with the alien and am objectifying it.

The mixture of both death and life imagery, and tying both in with sexual ecstasy, is also very appealing to me because, on those occasions where I'm not in the mood for happy-bubbly-funtimes kink, I feel kink is a way to explore existential issues. Pain is also pleasure; life is also death. (Le petit mort, anyone?) These contradictory concepts are part of what makes kink appealing.

Also, human-animal hybrids! YUM!

Next: Lady GaGa's "Teeth"

This one also arouses contradictory feelings in me, in that it appeals to both my dommy and my subby side. On the one hand, GaGa sings about "[loving] you with my hands tied," says "my religion is you," and entreats the listener to "take a bite of my bad girl meat," and "show me your fangs," which suggests she's bottoming to an aggressive creature - something I empathize with, of course.

On the other hand, she commands, "Open your mouth, boy," and reassures him, "Don't be scared; I've done this before." Indeed, the oft-repeated imperative, "Show me your teeth," is pretty dommy - think of how vulnerable we all are when we're lying in the dentist's chair! It invokes the image of GaGa (or me >:3) leering over a helpless man* strapped to a chair, one hand forcing his mouth open for inspection, like a horse at a market.

I'm a little hesitant to post this last one, but for the sake of being honest: Kanye West's "Monster" (TRIGGER WARNING: Graphic depictions of violence against women.)

I first saw this video on Feministing in a post taking him to task for the shockingly violent imagery he has in this video. I think the poster has a good point that the narrative of white women are victims/black women are animals (and black men love to rape/kill white women) is incredibly problematic and not nearly as "edgy" or "avant-garde" as I'm sure Kanye was hoping to be.

And yet... I love werewolves. I love seeing "masculine" werewolf traits expressed in women, especially, and I'm fascinated by the monstrous in general. Plus the dualism of Nikki Minaj's scene, where she torments herself, really plays with my switchiness (Do I empathize with the top or bottom? Is she top or bottom? Both!) - and those fangs! *fans self* And the scene where Kanye is being grabbed by the dozens of hands, and you can tell that he's enjoying it even as they nearly overpower him... mm-mmm.

What songs or music videos appeal to your kinky side?

*Interestingly, my dommy fantasies are almost exclusively about dominating men, while I fantasize about subbing to men and women about equally; to make it more complicated, in practice I've almost never topped a man - only women.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

A loss

What do you do when someone you love does something you think is wrong?

What do you do when he doesn't seem to care about what you think, or what you feel?

What do you do when his behavior is so uncharacteristic of him that it's frightening?

What do you do when you can't find any way to bridge the rift between you?

What do you do?

Saturday, March 26, 2011


Tapeti has a fetish that is a hard limit of mine.

It's not a fetish that she wants to inflict upon me, so we're not going to run into troubles there. However, I was very surprised when she expressed her desire for it; even though I understand that there are lots of people with desires that are starkly different from mine, for some reason I still expect everyone I'm sexual with to be perfectly compatible in every way.

I'm not sure why I feel this way - even Master, who's probably the most compatible of my partners ever (most likely because I basically discovered my sexuality through him, so I "imprinted"), has some fetishes that I'm not so keen on, and I have some that he's not into. It's not a big deal, so maybe that's why I'm always surprised; I forget that those differences exist because they don't have any negative impact on my relationship.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Where we are

My homework assignment is to take this diagram of nonmonogamy and figure out 1) where Master, Tapeti and I are on it, and 2) where I'm afraid of us going. So what I don't want. I marked where we are with a happy face and where I don't want to be with a saddie face. Whereas there wasn't really a quote-example for where we are - Open-poly-kinky-casual sex - the quote for where I'm afraid of going is in Unicorn Polyamory: "My husband allows me to have another girlfriend, but I am not allowed to have another man."

My fear goes gender-reversed, too - that I would have a girlfriend who doesn't want me to date any other women, only men. It would be le sad.

Thursday, March 17, 2011


You know what's funny? Funny as in "HahahaNO." When conservative Christians get all up in arms about porn because it degrades women.

I mean, really?


I mean, it's not like there aren't valid critiques to be made about the porn industry. There are plenty! A lot of porn reifies sexist or racist tropes, and there isn't as much diversity among actors in terms of body type, age, etc. as I'd like. But when I point out things that would actually help, such as improving sex ed (so people learn earlier on that porn sex is not like everyday sex), destigmatizing sex work so that it's easier to expose and prosecute abuse of workers, and supporting feminist-friendly producers, it gets drowned out in cries of, "OMG! Porn causes divorce! It turns men into addicted, sex-crazed maniacs!"

And then I keep digging, trying to suss out critiques of the industry from critiques of porn as a media, and it turns out it really all boils down to, "The Bible says looking at naked people is bad!"


I mean, I can understand if someone said, "I feel like I'm betraying my partner when I watch other people have sex, so I don't watch porn." I'd also understand if someone said, "I really feel uncomfortable with my partner looking at porn." That's totally legitimate - sex and body image and everything is complex and highly personal.

But appropriating feminist language to hide your attempts at imposing religious doctrine on everyone - especially when, besides for the porn issue, you don't give a flying fuck about feminism and actively attempt to subjugate women with all that, "Women must be subordinate to their husbands, men are meant to protect women, oh and PS if you get raped you have no say over what happens to your body and you probably deserved it anyway YOU SLUT WHY DID YOU WEAR THAT SHIRT IF YOU DIDN'T WANT IT," FUCKING BULLSHIT -

It pisses me off a little bit.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Spring cleaning

I updated my dramatis personae page. Master was right - it was horribly out of date! I hadn't realized how much time has passed.

Recently I done goofed. I tried introducing Master and Pineapple, and while it wasn't a complete disaster it was definitely awkward, which made me feel dumb. I also forgot to tell Tapeti about Pineapple, which was a violation of our rules. :/ I haven't even had the "what do we want out of our relationship" talk with Pineapple yet. I could be cute and blame this on NRE, but the truth is I fucked up. *sigh*

Well, lesson learned, hopefully.

And, on a completely random (and much more cheerful) note, I am very pleased that the men I hang out with are just as "I'm straight but I'm gonna make out with someone of the same gender just for the hell of it" as women are.

(Also, WTF Blogger why are you mangling my HTML?)

Thursday, March 3, 2011



Apparently I don't need to worry about sexual compatibility as long as I stick to people in my DnD groups. No, seriously - all the people from my DnD groups (college and here) whom I've been sexual with I had great chemistry with. Mostly because they've all been at least moderately kinky.

But I should back up a bit first.

Last night I finally got the chance to go out with a guy from my DnD group, whom I shall call Pineapple. We get along really well; he (and everyone else in the party) reminds me very strongly of my college friends, and when we're hanging out it almost feels like I'm back in school - in the best way possible.

Pineapple and I were rather drunk from having spent time at the bar (we walked back to my apartment, so no worries there), and we were watching funny videos on Youtube - actually, we were only half paying attention because we were having too much fun talking - when suddenly we start making out and BAM! my clothes are gone.

Fortunately I had the presence of mind to tell him at some point (can't remember when, exactly) that I wasn't having any PIV or PIA sex that night, and he had the presence of mind to respect that. We still had a hell of a lot of fun biting and scratching the shit out of each other; it was almost like a wrestling match interspersed with kisses (which usually turned into bites). Perhaps it was because I was still frustrated from my experience with The Italian, but I was definitely more aggressive than normal, as in I (unintentionally) drew blood and swore a blue streak at him whenever he held me down.

It was fun.

On the downside, now I look like I got into a fight; all I'm missing is a black eye. I definitely feel like I got in a fight, too - so sore! None of my coworkers asked questions, thank goodness. I'll have to tone it down in the future. Or invest in turtlenecks.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Convergent Evolution

I've been going on a few dates with a guy (whom I shall call The Italian). Recently we fooled around (first time I've done that with someone not from college), and it threw into stark relief that what I'm used to is not necessarily "normal" (or at least common).

He was frustratingly vanilla, for one thing. At this point, my first reaction when I get excited is to bite. Hard. While he didn't freak out or anything, he did make it clear that wasn't his bag. And he's ticklish, which means I can't caress him where/how I normally caress people. So what the hell am I supposed to do? Plain ol' making out for 15 or 30 minutes straight is boring. :/

Also he didn't bite me much, and when he did it wasn't nearly hard enough (despite my encouraging). He handled my tits way too gently, and he didn't pull my hair for long enough or hard enough. This left me feeling frustrated.

In the past, when I've sensed that my partner wasn't going to dominate me, I'd turn the tables and start getting aggressive. (Like many animals, I can sense weakness. >:3) But, for reasons mentioned above, I couldn't really express any domliness I was feeling. So there wasn't really any power dynamic going at all; it was just some wishy-washy blob.

Maybe if I'd been intimate with more people before my discovery of kink, this would be more familiar to me. But Master was the first person I ever had sex with, and by some stroke of luck all my friends in college (or at least all the ones I wound up having sex with) are kinky to some degree. So that's basically all I know, and I know that's shaped my desires. I imagine it's gone something like this:

1) I have a vague, undefined interest in kink.
2) I love/trust the people I'm with, so I try it with them.
3) Any enjoyment I get intrinsically from kink is reinforced/amplified by my positive feelings for my partners.
4) Because I enjoyed it, I do it more.
5) My enjoyment is once again reinforced/amplified by my partners.
6) Repeat steps 4 and 5.

If I were in a different environment when I first started having sex, I imagine my sexuality would have evolved differently. And now I am in a different environment, and I'm finding myself ill-adapted to it. I can't just assume that everyone I make out with is into leaving bruises.

So now I'm starting to wonder if I should, like, screen for kinkiness when meeting potential dates. Because I'm pretty certain that plain vanilla stuff isn't going to do it for me anymore, and while The Italian is an awesome guy and all, if we're not going to click sexually then I don't know what I should do. :/

(Also: His dick was definitely not the size/shape/etc. that I'm used to. I am suddenly apprehensive about having sex with men other than Master because I had forgotten that he's not typical in that department and I'm worried I won't enjoy anything other than his penis profile.)

Thursday, February 24, 2011


Master wants me to pick three questions from this IAMA on Reddit to answer, so here I go!

1) Re: the dynamic between those in the "pre-established" relationship and the "new" relationship - there definitely is a difference, and it's one that is still jarring to me at times. There are no "rules" for this kind of dynamic (at least none that are common knowledge), so when I try to fit my reality to the standards society gives me it often doesn't fit. And then I wonder if something is wrong, but there's no real reason to think that other than that my relationship doesn't fit others' expectations.

2) A couple people brought up extended family, and I have to admit that I'm considering coming out to my family. I haaaate hate hate hate it when I have to refer to Tapeti as my "friend" when talking to them, or when I have to consciously omit her from retellings of my weekends. It leaves a sour taste in my mouth. But I think I need to talk to her and Master about it more first.

3) Sleeping arrangements - I'm honestly thinking about getting a bigger bed! Until then, though, I'll just retreat to my kitty corner when I need alone time.

Thursday, February 17, 2011


Master and Tapeti came to visit for V-Day! It was super-exciting; I got the most play I've had in a good long time, and we got to try new things too.

First Master blindfolded me, and I had to guess whether he or Tapeti was using the crop on me. I guessed right. :) Then Tapeti and I switched places, and she was able to guess correctly, too. In the final game, Master was blindfolded, and he had to taste both our pussies and guess which was with.

Someone - I can't remember who - suggested tying Master's hands so he couldn't grab us, which might clue him in (Tapeti and I have rather different body types). I sort of ran with the idea and came up with a rather clever (if I may say so) way to tie Master's arms spread-eagle on the bed.

I've come to realize I really like the aesthetic of a man with his arms spread-eagle like that. I think it's because it shows off his chest and shoulders, which are the parts I like most and find the most masculine, yet he is simultaneously very vulnerable. I like the juxtaposition, the tension, of two normally exclusive traits.

Even after Master guessed correctly (despite our best efforts to stay silent, he could distinguish us by the sounds we made), we didn't untie/unblindfold him right away. Instead we teased him, went down on him, etc. It was funny how hungry he was - lunging up when he thought we were in kissing distance, straining against the ropes, and so on. I made a point of staying out of his reach; I got a mischievous pleasure out of it, knowing that normally I wouldn't be allowed to get away with it. And when we finally loosed him! It was amazing.

I think that, while I'm not really big on domming, I do enjoy topping, in a bratty, teasing kind of way.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Corrupting the innocent

I'm debating whether to invite a guy that I've been hanging out to play with me. On the one hand, I'm not sure if he's into it. Also, we haven't even kissed - just played video games and had drinks together. On the other hand, I want to get tied up, dammit.


Sunday, January 23, 2011

Toughen up

I visited Master this weekend, and I. Am. SORE. :(

I have the impression that I'm not able to take as much "abuse" as I used to, when we were playing on a regular basis. He can't spank me for as hard or as long before I've reached my limit, and I get sore from sex more easily.

Or so it seems to me. Maybe I'm just conveniently forgetting the soreness of times past in the fog of nostalgia.

In any case, I'd still like to work up my endurance to withstand spanking, flogging, etc more. Now that we live relatively close together we can play more often, which I think will help. I think just getting in better physical shape in general will help, too. (I'm going to try exercising more regularly - Master's orders! :D) I suppose finding people to play with regularly in my city would help too, but I'm kind of hesitant to join up in the scene there. No particular reason - I'm just shy. But I am meeting people who are probably kink-friendly, so there's promise that I'll find people. WE'LL SEE.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Kinky geek, geeky kink

This weekend I had a surprise visit from Master, who convinced me to go on a spontaneous road trip to see Tapeti. While at first I wasn't keen on driving that far only to spend a day there, it was definitely worth it.

We came up with a new position! Well, it's more like a variation on an existing one. Master fucks me from behind, while Tapeti is beneath me, and she wraps her legs around my waist. Then Master can grab her legs and use them as leverage to fuck me. We all loved it; next time we're together, Tapeti and I will have to switch places to see what that's like.

I also got some nice, good spankings in, as well as some domination. Master got pretty creative - I liked it a lot. ^_^ He tied me up with some LAN cables and whipped me for a bit with one (without the hard ends that you plug into things), though that was too harsh for me, generally. I think I'd need a lot more preparation to enjoy it.

He also made me live-blog having sex with him, kind of. We were snuggling, and I wanted to have sexy-time, but he insisted that I update this blog. I protested a bit, but it was no use, so I got my laptop and started typing. As I struggled to come up with something to write about, he knelt next to me and started touching himself. Naturally, I was distracted by this, but he ordered me to keep typing - even when he grabbed my head and made me start sucking him off, and then when he started fucking me. He ordered me to type what I was thinking and feeling while he did it.

I'm not going to post exactly what I typed; it was too racy and embarrassing even for this sex blog, and it'd be mostly incomprehensible anyway since my spelling, understandably, went flying out the window. Master read it out loud to me afterward, though, which added another layer of domination to it, since he was reading my very thoughts - and it was a little bit embarrassing, but not in the bad way.

However, I think it'd be fun to find more creative ways to involve technology with kink. Live blogging sex is one way; I think doing something with video games would also be interesting (and not just the kink games you can find online). Maybe whoever wins a round in a video game gets to be the top for that evening? That's almost too easy, though; I'm sure there are more creative ways to go about video game kinkiness. Then again, I'm a huge geek, so of course I would find that fun.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

New year, new stuff.

Master, Tapeti and I finally got to get together as a triple. We had a nice talk about what we wanted our rules of our relationship to be, since our situation has obviously changed a lot since we were first together. I updated my old rules post to reflect our new guidelines.

I went on a date a few days ago, kind of. Actually, I'm not sure if it was a date, which I suppose could be problematic, but I've never really done the grown-up dating scene before. We just had a few beers, played go, and talked a lot. The guy actually went to college with my best friend from high school - what are the odds? In any case, at least OKCupid is helping me find cool friends.

I haven't been tied up and beaten in too long. :( We never seem to get around to it when Tapeti or Master visits. We're too caught up in SEX SEX SEX NAO!!! to pause to grab the rope. At the time I don't mind, obviously, but afterwards I realize, oh, I never got to do [kinky thing I wanted to do]. And then I am sad-face.