Visibility

I recently got my hair cut. Whereas before it was about chin-length, it's now in a pixie cut - no more than a couple inches.

Whereas I wear the same types of clothing that I did before - relatively androgynous cargo-shorts-and-tee-shirt getup - I seem to draw stares and attention that I didn't when my hair was longer. I think it's because my old hair length was enough to put me in the "acceptably feminine" category. Now I've strayed "too far" into butch territory; I'm suddenly, visibly queer.

It's an interesting reminder of how much gender and sexuality is still policed in our society; while I haven't actually been accosted, I can feel the stares of people - particularly men - on me when I go about my business. I don't think they know what to make of me. And, being the rebellious person that I am, it makes me want to push those gender boundaries even more. I'll give you something to stare at, I think.

I feel a little more at home in queer spaces, too. Less like an impostor; more like I belong there. I get knowing smiles from other visibly queer women when I pass them. Too bad I still don't know how to approach ladies. >.<

It's interesting how such a small, superficial thing can have such a large social impact.

Eddie

I love Eddie Izzard. He's funny as hell and attractive to boot. (There's something alluring about a guy in heels and lipstick.) However, in terms of the concept of "performing gender," I'm a wee bit confused.

See, despite wearing traditionally feminine clothes, I'm not sure that Izzard is actually "performing femininity" when he cross-dresses. When I watch him perform while cross dressing it doesn't seem like he's trying to act feminine. He maintains his masculine voice and speech patterns and uses traditionally masculine gestures. He's not trying to hide the fact that he's a man, you know?

During one of his routines, Izzard talks about wearing false breasts. Occasionally he'll go to the store or wherever while wearing them, and he's invariably called, "sir," which he finds bemusing because guys usually don't have breasts. Of course, I haven't seen him during these trips, but I wonder if it isn't because, like during his stand-up, he isn't adopting any traditionally feminine behavior.

So is Izzard performing femininity? For me, I make the association of "performance" with "acting," but is that a valid connection in this case? Performing femininity seems to be two-part: one behavioral and one visual. Can/should we separate the two? It could be valid in some cases, perhaps.

I don't have an answer to any of these questions. I do know that Izzard is amazing, though.

Performing gender

It's hot during the summer. (Duh.) Since I spend a good portion of the day in a "professional" office environment and shorts are considered too casual (so far), that means I wear a lot of skirts. I don't mind this at all - skirts can be very comfortable, and a nice breeze in the crotch region can be very refreshing!

Anyway, one thing I've noticed is that, in conjunction with wearing traditionally feminine clothes more, I also perform other aspects of femininity more - specifically wearing makeup - when I'm dressed for my internship. (When I'm just doing whatever, I don't bother.) Normally I don't wear any makeup at all, save for a couple dots of concealer if I've got blemishes. However, over the summer I've fallen in love with eyeshadow. I've got several different palettes now in varying colors - some subdued, others more outré - and one of my most enjoyable parts of my morning routine is picking my eyeshadow for the day and applying it.

I think some of it has to do with the fact that I bought actual brushes for applying it - instead of just the little sponge wand that comes with the compact. Something about using brushes makes it all seem more theatrical, which I think is a lot of the appeal. I love acting and performing, taking on different roles, and makeup can be a part of that; when I put it on, I'm playing the role of Young Professional - or perhaps Funky Clubber, if I'm going out to the bar. These are characters written by society, but I can take these roles, examine them, adopt them, and play with my own interpretation of them.

No doubt this also has to do with why I love drag - again, I'm playing with gender performance, just with the gender I usually don't identify with. I get a thrill out of adopting an appearance and mannerisms that are relatively foreign to me and seeing if I can perform them to others' satisfaction. Do I make a convincing guy? (I've been told I make an attractive guy, which is a start.) Do I want to pass completely, or do I want to just confuse people because it's fun? It depends on my mood, really; again, I adopt the masculine roles to suit my fancy in that particular instance.

Later I'll make a post about drag kings vs. drag queens vs. cross-dressers, if I remember.

King of the World

Lately I've been thinking a lot about gender play. I've participated in my college's drag show a couple times and have played male roles in theater, and I've always had a blast doing so. Recently I've been getting the itch to grab some ace bandages and do it again.

I think part of it is because I'm apart from Master - in fact, I know it is. Master makes me feel very feminine; the heterosexuality of our relationship is undeniable, even though I'm not straight and we're far from a normal couple. I feel strange - uncomfortable - whenever I interact with Master while I'm in drag; kitten is not masculine, and it seems dishonest to act so around Master even in an non-sexual context. (Though, interestingly, the one time I've seen Master in drag (he was Nurse Joker for Halloween) I thought he looked absolutely incredible.)

But left to my own devices, I tend to be more androgynous. I've been mistaken for a man before (though that's rare), and - as mentioned above - I love cross-dressing in non-sexual contexts. I've also had male/masculine sexual fantasies before, too. They were mostly when I was first realizing my bisexual identity - I'd have fantasies of fucking my female crushes as a man - and once I became secure in my sexual identity they fell by the wayside.

So maybe this is an upside to Master being gone this next year - I can explore my masculine/androgynous side more easily. I'll be in the drag show again, of course, and maybe I'll look into performing drag after college too. When I told a friend of mine that I'd counter the girliness of my townhouse (it'll be all-women next year instead of the usual 50/50 split) by cross-dressing, I was only half-joking. Maybe I'll talk to Lupa about doing some gender-play with her.

We'll see how it goes.