Wednesday, June 25, 2008


Sometimes my family surprises me. The other day, after seeing a trailer for an inane-looking movie called "Mama Mia!", in which a woman tries to figure out which of three hunks is her dad because she absolutely needs her father to "give her away" at her wedding, I remarked that I only want Dad to "give me away" at my wedding (assuming I ever get married) if my husband-to-be is walked down the aisle by his mother. Either he's escorted too, or I get to walk down the aisle by myself, like a big girl.

To my amazement, my mother and sister dismissed the idea, saying things along the lines of, "Oh, it doesn't mean that anymore!" (That is, "giving away" the bride no longer means the father is relinquishing dominion over her.)

I've heard a phrase along the lines of, "The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he doesn't exist." The same thing can be said of sexism.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Fulfilling my needs

I miss Master. Not only do I miss Master, I miss the things Master would do to me. I miss the spankings, the paddlings, the clothespins, the ice cubes, the ropes, the blindfolds, the handcuffs, the knives. I miss him ordering me to crawl on the floor, scolding me for some "infraction" between swats with a wooden spoon, murmuring, "Good girl, kitten," in my ear. I miss being so deep in subspace that I can't open my eyes because even the light from a single candle is too bright and I can't even speak. I miss the sensation of having all my nerves alight and quivering, so the lightest touch makes me shiver and twitch.

I miss having sex with Master, too, of course. I miss that terribly. But that's a different thing. It's like being stranded in a desert; you want food and water, but they're still separate things. This particular desire is new to me, though; last summer Master didn't yet own me - indeed, I had never even tried BDSM. I know how to handle my sex drive; how do I handle my newly-awakened kink drive?

If I'm horny, I can just masturbate and I'm good. Problem solved. But self-gratification in BDSM seems a bit trickier. I don't think spanking myself would cut it - it's not just about the pain, it's the fact that someone else is inflicting it on me. I can't submit to myself.

I suppose I could hire a prodom, theoretically. That's expensive, though - and expense is the least of my hesitations. Not only do I worry about how Master would feel about it, I also worry about how I would feel about it. Master - and M, to a much lesser extent - is the only person who has dominated me. How would it be different? Would I even like it if someone else was holding the flogger? It's the same thing that keeps me from considering finding a play partner; when Master and I play together, it's not just about him giving pain/orders and me receiving it/them. The entire subtext of our relationship is behind it - our friendship, our love, everything. I need to have that if I'm going to submit/bottom to someone, and I don't think that kind of relationship is possible with someone I'm playing with just for the summer or someone I'm paying to hit me.


I go to visit him in a week!

So there's hope after all.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008


When I read over what I've written here, I often get frustrated. The language seems childish and simplistic, so unlike how I normally perceive myself (and how I hope others perceive me). But when I try to express myself more eloquently - when I try to explain myself and Master and what we have together - in more grown-up terms, I fall flat.

I just don't have the tools for it. The things we do, the nuances of our relationship, the emotions I experience are things I've never put word to before and rarely - if ever - read/hear about elsewhere. Yes, I read other submissives' blogs, but so often their experiences are utterly alien to my own and the words they employ are useless to me. I can't appropriate them any more than a carpenter can appropriate a painter's set.

I don't have the vocabulary. I haven't built it yet. I haven't scrounged the depths of language enough to find new words, haven't spent enough time jerry-rigging new words and phrases out of my existing supplies, and my few first attempts so far have been rickety, ugly contraptions that only do enough to get by for now.

But I'm working on it.

Thursday, June 5, 2008


Master sent me a care package, and in it (among other things) were a new collar and a little metal food dish. With the dish came a note with instructions: I had to eat from it at least once a week, and Master even included a bag of Swedish fish for my first treat. :)

When I crouched on the floor and ate, I felt silly... but it also felt good. I wished that Master was there; I wanted to have his shadow fall over me as he stood over me, to feel his loving eyes watching me, his hands in my hair and on my body. I miss feeling the strength of his presence.

But that I still did as he commanded, even though he's miles away - that I still didn't consider disobeying - I suppose is a testament to our relationship. He holds that much sway over me; I trust him that much. It's a small gesture, in comparison to a lot of things. But I like where we're going.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

D/s at work? O.o

My job mostly consists of repairing old computers at work and figuring out whether any of the old junk we have is still useable or not. In the course of my job, I've fiddled around with several hard drives, switching them from one tower to another and suchnot.

While I was doing this at one point, I read the labeling on the hard drive, and read the different pin settings it has: DS Master or DS slave.


Sunday, June 1, 2008


Master gave me an assignment a few days ago: decide what my favorite body part is, photograph it in a way I find appealing, and post them here. Well, after a bit of debate, I've decided that my favorite body part is my neck/collarbone - in no small part because that's where my collar is! So, here you all go - the fruits of my labor. Please ignore the stereo in the background; my room's still messy from unpacking. ;P

Perhaps in the future I'll take more pictures - one for each of the collars I have. I really like them.

And yes, that is a kimono I'm wearing. I'm a weeaboo, I admit it!