Thursday, April 24, 2008

Bared

Master likes my hair long. I like it long too, but occasionally (about once a year, at the beginning of summer) I get the itch and cut it all off, then let it grow for another year. If Master had told me not to cut my hair this year I wouldn't have, but he doesn't want to dictate my appearance that much, and besides I'm performing a male role in a play so I have to cut my hair short anyway.

When I told master this, he said, "All right, but when you do, I want you to shave completely."

I knew what he was talking about. Since I go to a hippy collage and am a crazy feminist, I generally don't shave much. However, since I began sleeping with Master I've shaved/trimmed my pubic area so he doesn't get hairballs. :) He also prefers it that way aesthetically; once he became Master, one of his rules was that I must keep "down there" well-trimmed and neat.

However, he prefers a shaved-bare pubis. The only reason he didn't mandate that for me all the time was because he knows I don't like shaved pussies; I think they look weird. :/

But Master said this wouldn't be a forever thing.

So now every time I go to the bathroom or get dressed in the morning and I look down, I go "AH!"

It's going to take some getting used to.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Bloody noise

Master and I live in a building with thin walls, to say the least. At night I can hear people talking in the room below me in normal conversations - they aren't even trying to be loud! So, naturally, we have to be very quiet when we're playing.

I think it's easier for him; he usually doesn't make a lot of noise during sex, and he doesn't have to repress squeals of pain like I do (though he does have to watch out about not making to much of a smacking noise when he spanks me). But this makes me wonder about the noises we make when we're hurt.

There are different kinds of noises for different kinds of pain. When I have cramps, I usually don't make any noise except for an occasional low, drawn-out groan. When my muscles are sore from working out, my groans are louder and shorter. There's the classic "ouch!" when something pricks our skin, which can evolve into a full-blooded scream when the pain is extreme, like when my brother almost had his thumb cut off. It seems that the more painful something is, the louder our protestations.

And then there are the noises I make when Master and I play. I don't make those noises any other time; they're a kind of groan-gasp-squeal, usually muffled by either biting on a pillow or force of willpower alone. Master calls them "whimpers," which I suppose fits. A whimper can be in suffering, in desire, in many things.

I wonder why we make noises when we experience pain. We're far from the only species that does it; a cat will screech, a dog yelps, monkeys scream, and so on. Is there some evolutionary advantage? Does the sudden loud vocalization possibly frighten off whatever caused the pain? Does it signal to any fellow beings, "I'm in trouble! Run/help me!"

I dunno. I'm no biologist, hah!

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Tears

A few days ago, Master and I had a much more intense session than usual, sort of as a "good-bye." (We're on spring break right now.) There was some of the usual (spanking, shibari, anal, ice cubes) in greater quantities, as well as some new-ish things. Master did a bit of knife play, which was scary but a lot of fun. Also, at one point he brought out... a carrot!

"Do you know what I'm going to do with this?" he asked as he caressed my body.

My heart raced and my eyes squeezed shut. I was terrified he'd read my earlier post with the eggplant comment and been... inspired by it. Oh no, he wouldn't. He WOULDN'T!!

"Open up," he said, and he stuck the carrot in my mouth sideways, like a bit. "Bite down on that. If you need me to stop, the signal is to clap your hands. Okay?"

I nodded, relieved, and play continued.

Afterwards, as I was lying with my head on his chest, I started crying. I'm not really sure why, because I didn't feel upset at all - it just felt something I couldn't avoid doing, like yawning. Master was worried about me, of course, because I'd never cried after a scene before, though my throat has tightened up with that "about-to-cry" feeling before. I think it had something to do with the release of all the pent-up emotions and stress from the end of the semester. Like lancing a blister (which I know you're not supposed to do, but I do anyway): it hurts, but in a good way, and once all the gross stuff is drained out it feels so much better.

It was a great scene. When Master paused to wash off his hands after the anal play and lay on the bed waiting, little sparkles of light started flashing beneath my closed eyelids. I was like, "Wheee.... pretty lights!" Yeah... I was flying a little bit. It was awesome.

Now I miss Master. ;_; Only a week until I see him again!

Friday, April 18, 2008

Damn everybody for having a life >:[

The BDSM "club" I'm trying to get together has run into a major snag: everyone's too damn busy, including me. School lets out in a month, and in the one month we have left, half the group (again, including me) is putting together a play. In between that, classes, and the billion DnD games we're all in, I dunno if we'll have a single chance to meet!

...There's always next year?

*sigh*

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

A few things you should know about me

1. I do not think that BDSM sex is somehow better or superior to vanilla sex. You may find this hard to believe, but I actually partake of vanilla sex fairly regularly. I just happen to like kinky stuff, too. I understand, however, that not everybody likes it. That's cool by me. I don't want to make others play with whips and chains any more than I want someone to make me have sex with an eggplant.

2. My self-esteem is perfectly healthy, thank you. I knew that I was/am a beautiful, healthy, intelligent, funny, sexy woman before I met Master, and I still know it now that I'm with him - and not "because" of him or "despite" him, for my self-esteem is neither dependent on him nor threatened by him. (In fact, he calls me "beautiful/healthy/funny/etc." all the damn time. It's quite nice.)

3. I was never abused in any way as a child. I wasn't spanked, either. I had/have one of the most loving, supportive families you can possibly find. Daddy issues are not the source of my deriving pleasure from being spanked.

4. I know what the symptoms of an abusive relationship are. One of the biggest warning signs is when the abuser tries to isolate the victim from friends and family and/or control who the victim associates with. Master does neither of these things. In fact, he does the opposite - he encourages me to get out into the world and meet new people.

5. Yes, I can and do consent to what Master does to me. The reality of the situation is, I still retain control over my body at all times. If I don't like what is going on, I say the safeword and Master stops. Immediately. No questions asked - except for a concerned, "Are you okay?" He has never and will never pressure me to continue once I've made clear I don't like whatever is happening.

This wasn't inspired by anything in particular; I've just been reading blogs by various crazy anti-BDSM, anti-hetero, anti-anything-that-isn't-non-penetrative-vanilla-lesbian-sex "feminists" over the past few days.

Others, Continued

I talked to Master, and though he's open to playing with S, he's hesitant for several good reasons. Firstly, S really isn't that interested in him. I hadn't really thought about that, to be honest - I was too caught up in how sexy it would be to be used as a teaching/practice implement by two people, ha! But the chemistry/interaction between two Doms in a scene is vitally important - you don't want them arguing while the sub is tied up and waiting for them to work things out!

Then Master raised another possibility - M and her girlfriend, Z. M is a very close friend of Master's and a fairly close friend of mine; we just met Z this year so we don't know her as well, but she's still a good friend. Though I find them both attractive - especially Z! - I'm a little more hesitant about them, mostly because I'm not familiar with their sexual personalities. I know via hearsay and what she's told me that M is very subbish, but that doesn't necessarily mean that Z is a Dom; in fact, Master and I don't even know if M and Z practice BDSM. We know M likes it, but what if Z doesn't? There are a lot of unknowns.

We'll have to talk a lot more about this, of course. I don't want to rule out asking S to join us, but I think it's kinda sketchy to "court" multiple people at once. Once Master and I decided who we'd like to ask, we'll go from there.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Others

I found out today that C, the person who Master and I asked out on a date for the lingerie party a while ago, broke up with W (again). This means that, theoretically, she's available to play with us. I'm not sure if we should approach her again, though, for several reasons. Firstly, I have no idea how long she's been single again, and it'd seem pretty skeezy if we jumped on her right away. Secondly, she's crushing on a different boy entirely, and she's been turning to me for a bit of advice. I don't want it to seem like I'm, I dunno, taking advantage of her confidence or something. I don't even know how that would occur, but it still nags at me. That, and our friend M says that C is reconsidering her bisexuality. M says it's just because C is afraid of her parents disapproval; she may be right, but I can't presume one way or the other. That doesn't mean we wouldn't be able to play with her at all, but it would severely limit things. (And I wanted to learn how to pleasure a woman, too! *sad kitty*)

However, lately I've been wondering if maybe we could invite another friend, S. She's a switch, and I've talked to her a bit and she says she'd like more experience on the Dom side of being a switch, but doesn't quite know where to turn. Maybe Master could show her the ropes, using me to practice on? ^_^ Oh, that'd be so much fun! We haven't done a long session in a while, too.

I haven't talked to Master much about it yet. He might have wanted a third person to join just in the spirit of the lingerie party and isn't interested anymore. Hopefully that won't be the case, but we'll have to see.

If distance were a hammer, it would shatter bones.

In less than two month's time, Master and I will part ways for the summer. I will return to Minnesota; Master will be 400 miles away in his home state - or possibly 6,000 miles away, teaching English in South Korea for the summer.

This won't be the first summer we've spent apart. Last summer was difficult, but we made it through. But last summer we still had a "vanilla" relationship. Master wasn't Master yet, I wasn't kitten yet. How will D/s change things? I don't know.

I could say "not at all," but that's naive. Though we'd probably be considered lightweights by a lot of other D/s practitioners' standards, it's still influenced how we live. Though I don't defer to Master on all aspects of my life, he is still a supporting presence that I know I can turn to when I'm feeling unsure or scared or small. What will I do when my rock is across state lines - or across an ocean?

And then there's the part of D/s that's just plain fun. Over the summer, Master won't be able to tie me up, to order me to strip, to spank me for "misbehaving," or all sorts of things! I'm going to be one sexually frustrated kitten. Though I've read about giving orders over the phone or the Internet - self-spanking, taking pictures with a webcam, other things like that. I suppose we can try that. It's better than nothing.

I'm still not looking forward to summer, though.

(also, the title of this post is from one of Master's poems)

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Disappointing

For Ally Appreciation Week on campus, today the Alliance (my school's GLBTA group) sponsored a "safe erotic sex workshop." I wasn't sure what they meant by "erotic sex," since as far as I can tell pretty much all sex is erotic - or should be, anyway. When I mused aloud about the meaning, my friend R said, "Yeah, I asked [one of our friends who is an active member of the Alliance] about that, and he said 'erotic' meant, like, 'fetish' and stuff."

As you can guess, my interest went up by a zillion percent as visions of demonstrations on proper flogging technique and quick-release knots danced through my head. Unfortunately, I was on duty that night (tonight, in fact), so I'd only be able to make the first half hour. Lame! At least Master would be able to stay for the entire thing, so I hoped he'd get some ideas.

Well, like I said, I was only able to stay for a half-hour, but I was pretty disappointed by that half-hour. Apparently R was misinformed; "safe erotic sex workshop" really meant "education on STDs and how to make using condoms sexy." Which is important, don't get me wrong, but not nearly as exciting - or relevant, since Master and I are in a monogamous relationship and we're both already STD-free.

*sigh* Oh well. Master came back with some free samples of flavored lube, as well as a packet of various condoms that (inexplicably) contained breath mints, so at least I have minty-fresh breath now.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Nazi themes in BDSM

(also posted in my personal Livejournal)

Apparently Max Mosley, the head of Europe's Formula 1 organization, is in the middle of a scandal involving a leaked sex tape that shows him taking part in a "Nazi"-themed BDSM scene with five (I think it was five) sex workers. While he's suing the tabloid that leaked the video, everyone else is calling for his resignation.

I'm not sure what to make of this. I saw excerpts from the video - not the whole thing - and, really, it seemed like a pretty normal BDSM scene to me. The "dungeon" was just an apartment. There was nothing overtly "Nazi"-esque about it. The uniforms the "guards" wore were black pleather with white shirts - no insignia of any sort, much less a swastika. And the "prisoners" wore the generic black-and-white-striped outfit, which you see everywhere.

On the other hand, when it was Mosley's turn to be one of the "guards" (he's a switch, I guess), he did speak in German (allegedly; didn't hear it on the excerpts I saw). And when he was the "prisoner," he was subjected to a search for lice, which is widely known that the concentration camps did.

Even if he was intentionally incorporating Nazi themes, though, I suppose I have to ask why that is a bad thing. I mean, Nazi military "style," I suppose you could call it, is incredibly pervasive in the BDSM scene in general, though not necessarily explicitly so (like those cool hats that some dominatrices wear!). That, and I suppose it's akin to the rape fantasies that are often enacted - and enjoyed - by people in the scene. They'd all agree that real rape is abhorrent and violent and utterly disgusting, but that doesn't mean they can't play make-believe. Same with people who use Nazi themes in their scenes.

Then again, apparently Mosley's dad was a huge fan of Hitler, and Mosley himself met his wife at a fascist rally. So it's possible that Mosley really does think the Nazis were cool guys. But then again, if people already knew that he had such racist etc. views, why did nobody call for his resignation until this tape came out? :/

On display

The other day, Master and I wound up having sex. (It happens fairly often, I've noticed. ^_^) As he was undressing me, I said, "Oh, I should have told you - my bra hook is broken."

"So it seems," he said as he struggled to undo it. Finally he gave up and just pulled my bra down out of the way; then I reached behind my back and loosed it.

For my failure to warn him ahead of time, Master had me kneel on the coffee table in the living room and spanked me. It was interesting; though we were the only ones in the apartment (obviously!), I still felt on display, as though dozens of people were watching me. It was kind of neat, because I felt the shame (and excitement) of being exposed without actually having a bunch of people staring at me. An interesting psychological trick, that.

When Master finished spanking me and we began with the sex "proper," he used a condom. That was a little odd, because I have an IUD and we're in an exclusive relationship so there's no chance of STIs. But whatever. My "code," I suppose you could say, to let Master know when I'm getting sore/chafey/etc and would like to finish soon, is to beg him to come inside/on me. When I did that this time, he said, "I'm not going to come inside you this time; you've been naughty and don't deserve it."

I assumed he was referring not only to the bra bit, but not following his orders to masturbate the night before (we slept separately that night). I also assumed he didn't mean he'd come on me, but that he'd come inside the condom. I suppose using a condom is sort of a punishment; he knows I'd rather not use them because they feel weird, but it's not like I have a vile distaste for them.

Really, I suspect that the reason he used it was to not make a mess on the sofa! But pretending it was because I was a bad girl made things so much more interesting. ;)