Thursday, May 29, 2008


Master and M live in the same state. Though they don't live in the same city, they still live closer to each other than I do to either of them. It sucks.

The other night I called M, and it turned out that she and Master were hanging out together with several of M's other friends. They were all being loud and goofy and generally having a good time, but it just made me miserable. I wanted to be with them - especially Master - so badly, and there they were having fun without me! Selfish, I know, but being stuck at work with nothing to do but think about my friends and lovers tends to make me morose.

Later I learned that Master had spent the night at M's house. He spent the night in her guest room, though, and we have a rule that he won't do anything with just M without okaying it with me first. Still, there's a niggling part of me that worries, that is envious. I know it's mostly just because I'm not able to be there; when M spent the night with Master without me during the school year, I was fine with it.

Just one more reason long-distance relationships suck. :(

Monday, May 26, 2008


Well, I'm back at my family's home, and Master is back at his. We call each other a lot, but I still miss him terribly, and M too.

Last night, Master and I talked a bit about our future together. Next year, he wants to establish more protocol in our relationship. You know how I said earlier that I wasn't forbidden from the furniture? Yeah, well... that may change next year. I'm not sure how to feel about that. On the one hand, it's exciting to have a more intense D/s relationship. We've been fairly low-key up to this point, and ratcheting things up a notch is an exciting prospect. On the other hand, I think, Why can't I sit on the furniture? That's not fair! Granted, a lot of the time I sit on the floor anyway, but still. I don't feel submissive 100% of the time, and so I imagine that the 30% (or however much it is) of the time where I don't I'll be chafing at the restriction.

Which is the whole point, I suppose.

Master also said he's going to buy me a food dish! X3 I can't wait to see it. I wonder what kind of food he'll put in it - cereal, so it's like dry food? Or some sort of hot dish so it's more like canned food? Eeeeek! I want to just rub against his knee and nuzzle up in his lap while he scritches my head.

Now I miss him more. :(

Thursday, May 22, 2008

New toy!

My new toy came in the mail the other day. (Mine's the dark purple one.) I haven't tried it out yet; it's for the summer when I'm away from Master. It looks really fun, though. And best of all, it's harness-compatible for playing with M! :3

I'll probably go to the Smitten Kitten over the summer and get one. I've never been to their store, but I hear nothing but good things about them. S can come! We'll make it a girl's night out.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

What kitten wants

Our play is finished, thank God. During the cast party on Sunday night, we played "Never have I ever." You start out with five fingers up, and people take turns saying, "Never have I ever [insert something they've never done]." If you have done the thing stated, you have to put down one finger and take a drink. When you're out of fingers, the others can ask you one question which you must answer truthfully. It was lots of fun!

Well, at one point Master and I got out at the same time. The question I was asked (by M, no less!) was, "What's one thing you've wanted in your relationship but have never asked." Now I can get really shy about my sex life - even the vanilla parts - around my friends, so I started squirming and hemming and hawing and turning beet-red because I could think of something, but I was to embarrassed to say. Master rescued me by saying it was time for us to go, and M followed us because she wanted to talk to us. We stood on the front stoop of our friends' townhouse, and Master turned to me and asked, "What is it that you'd like?"

"I... uh... I..." I chewed on my lip and stared at my feet. "I'd really like... a food dish."

"A what?" I don't think Master heard me because my voice was so quiet.

"A food dish," I said, louder. "You know, a little bowl I could eat out of..." my confidence failed me, and I hid my face.

M grinned and gave me a hug. "Awww, that's so cute!" This did nothing to alleviate my embarrassment.

Master smiled and touched my arm. "I think we can do that," he said. "Why were you so afraid to ask?"

"Because it's embarrassing!"


I didn't know how to respond to him. I've wanted to incorporate pet-play more, I've wanted to be more kitten-like for a while. But to say that I want to be treated like an animal, even a loved and cherished one, out loud? I may already be transgressing societal mores, but they still influence me. I knew that Master wouldn't condemn me or think I'm weird. He knows I like to think of myself as a feline. But admitting it out loud is still something I have trouble with.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Suprise sex

The other night, I told Master I wanted to role-play as my Legend of the Five Rings character, a lesbian ninja, and he would play a Kolat agent "torturing" me for information. He agreed, and when I was done with play rehearsal I ran to his apartment. "Do you want me to change in my room or down here?" I asked him.

"Down here," he told me. Giddily, I dashed up the stairs to my room and gathered my costume together. Mask and kimono in hand, I returned to Master's apartment and opened the door, which was unlocked for me. The entire apartment was dark, and I paused, unsure. Had Master gone to the bathroom? I called out his name hesitantly, but there was no reply. Leaving the door open just a crack, I padded across the room and turned on the light. As the yellow glow flooded the room, I turned towards the doorway to the bedroom just in time to see a man in a black ski mask before he pounced and pinned my arms at my sides.

I recognized Master right away, of course. But I also understood what was going on right away. Master was a sneaky monkey, all right - what better time to surprise me for a rape role-play than when I'm expecting a different rape role-play? Ingenious.

I soon discovered, though, that playing the victim is harder than it looks. For one, I had to pretend I didn't want it. When I stopped struggling to make it easier for Master to gag me, he quipped, "How nice of you to hold still for me." I thought, Oh yeah! and started squirming again. But not too much. I also didn't struggle too much because I didn't want to hurt Master!

At one point he said something - I can't remember what exactly, something a stereotypical rapist would say - and I hissed back, "Fuck you." I got such a thrill from saying that. I didn't mean it; I wasn't really angry or hateful, yet it was an act of defiance all the same. I was saying something I shouldn't, something that even I thought was inappropriate to say. Afterwards, as we lied together and talked about the scene, Master said he had expected me to pull the whole "victim falls in love with her attacker" bit. I didn't. I played the defiant all the way to the end, when finally he was able to get a tiny, "Yes! Oh yes!" out of me. I told him I didn't because it felt too cliched (which he promptly teased me about). This was true, but it was also because it was too much fun trying to fight back!

Even so, though, I don't think it's something I want to do very often. I mean, it's a lot of fun, but it's like skydiving - too intense to do on a regular basis. To use a completely different metaphor, the rape play was like rich, dark, chocolate mousse, while the "normal" sex we have is like fruits and vegetables. One is tasty, but have too much and you'll grow sick of it; the other is vital to staying healthy.

Thursday, May 8, 2008


It seems an anti-choice group is starting a campaign that says, I shit you not, hormonal birth control kills babies. I'm not going to bother reiterating how obviously wrong that is, but it did get me thinking about the whole birth control/abortion issue and how it relates to my relationship with Master.

Master and I live 24/7. We're lightweights compared to many people whose experiences I've read; I'm not banned from sitting on the furniture, we split chores pretty equally, I've never had to walk around all day with a buttplug in, etc. Despite our appearance of normalcy, however, ultimately I am Master's pet. So exactly how much does Master's authority extend?

I have an IUD, which is just as effective as sterilization - if not more so- so I'm basically guaranteed to be baby-free for the next five years unless I choose to have it removed. However, say that I'm just that fucking unlucky and somehow get pregnant anyway. Master and I have talked about this possibility before, and we agree that neither of us are ready for a kid and that it'd be best if I got an abortion. I don't think I'd have any qualms about it, because I would have tried my damnedest not to get pregnant, so it's not like I was being irresponsible or anything. Abortion is a last resort. Shit happens sometimes.

However, what if Master didn't want me to have an abortion?

This wouldn't make me immediately say, "Welp, better start shopping for baby clothes!" but it would make me pause. I'd be inclined to at least listen to his argument, not only because he's my Master but because the baby would his as much as mine. I dunno. If I thought Master really believed it would be best to keep the baby, I might acquiesce. This feels like one of those decisions that can only be made when it actually needs to be made, not when I'm playing "what-if" at two in the morning because I'm bored.

What about the converse, if I wanted to keep the baby and Master didn't? That seems trickier for some reason. It feels... almost manipulative of me to do that. Like those girls who get pregnant because they think it'll make their boyfriend stay with that. I don't want to be manipulative, even though I'm not worried about Master leaving me. Though, in theory, Master could just throw me out and refuse to have anything to do with it. Would he? I like to think not.

Either way, a disagreement over something like this could possibly end our relationship. Because that's really the bottom line. If there is something I simply cannot submit to him about and he is unwilling to compromise about, then I can just leave. There is always that option. Like abortion, it's a last resort. It's tough shit.

I'm so glad Master and I agree on the big stuff.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008


Well well well. Where to begin?

The night before Beltaine, Master gave me a sealed envelope. "I want you and M to open this together," he told me. "Before 11 AM tomorrow." I flagged M down later that night and we went to my room, where we opened the envelope to find a card inside. Master had written instructions in it: we were to buy a bottle of wine for dinner the next day, and we had to exchange three non-consecutive kisses during play rehearsal.

The next day, M and I scrounged up a good amount of money and walked to the alcohol store, where we picked out three bottles of wine. Since she didn't have work until 4:30 and I wasn't required anywhere before rehearsal at six, we decided to stop by the local coffee shop and hang out there for a while. We got hot cocoa and soup and talked for hours, mostly reminiscing about our respective high schools. M went to work and I went to play rehearsal, which M was supposed to join after she got off her job, but unfortunately there was an emergency at her work so she couldn't come to practice. :(

Originally we all were supposed to go see Iron Man after rehearsal, but I wasn't able to get off my night job, so Master and M went without me. As the night wore on, I got pretty lonely - and anxious. The movie was supposed to start at nine, but it was almost midnight before they returned. Turns out they walked to the theater (and in the rain, no less). Goofballs. In any case, as soon as M showed up at my door, all my worries melted away, and we went down to Master's apartment.

Master cooked us dinner - spaghetti with alfredo sauce - and we shared a bottle of Menage-a-trois. (M and I HAD to buy it!) When the time came, Master disappeared into his bedroom and lit some candles before returning with a leash for M. He told me to wait in the kitchen as he and M went into the bedroom. I waited; after what seemed ages, Master returned again. He kissed me and said, "I have something for you. Would you like to see it?" I nodded, and he took me by the hand and led me into the bedroom, where M was bound and blindfolded, on her hands and knees on the bed. "Touch her," he whispered in my ear. "Caress her back." I was a little hesitant at first because of shyness, but I reached out and began to run my fingers over M's back, then leaned in to kiss her smooth skin. Master lifted up the back of my shirt and started doing the same thing to me.

Then Master had me remove my clothes as well; now both M and I were in our underwear. I sat in front of her on the bed, and then Master revealed to her how much I love having my feet/ankles touched. >.< M worked her way up my legs and my torso, and while she was busy playing with my breasts, Master took one of the candles and dripped hot blue wax on her back.

She really liked that.

Once she was coherent enough to think again, M went down on me. It was the first time a woman has gone down on me, and the first time in a loooong while anyone other than Master had. Though it felt amazing, I was shocked by how different it was. I mean, you'd think there isn't a whole lot of variation in how things are done down there, but the way M approached it was completely different than Master - and yet still mind-blowingly good. Though I am easy to please. :) There was also an ice cube involved elsewhere on my body at some point, but my recollection is a bit foggy from the endorphins.

M and I switched up positions, and I began to play with her. I knew I wanted to try going down on her, but I was still nervous. Master coached me along gently, not giving orders so much as suggestions. Once M's underwear was off, I just kinda froze and stared like, Uhh... what do I do?! So Master demonstrated. Even after he did, I still wasn't sure how to find M's clit. I didn't want to say as much because it was kind of embarrassing, but Master seemed to realize I was having trouble and helped me out.

It actually tasted pretty good. Sometimes the taste was a little too strong for me and I had to back off, but at no point was I like, "EWWW NASTY." When I described the taste to Master the next day as "bitter and sour at the same time," he nodded with a look of, Yup, that's vagina all right, on his face. The entire time I went down on M, I was thinking, Oh I hope M likes this. Am I doing it right? She seems to like this... should I be doing that differently? Then Master started playing with me and I got... distracted.

Finally, it was Master's turn. I pounced on him because I loooove giving head. M was more hesitant because she hadn't gone down on a man in a long time. We reassured her that she didn't have to do anything if she wasn't comfortable with it, but she insisted on it - and did a good job, judging from Master's reaction. Then Master lay on his back and gave M oral while I took him in. I had trouble, though, because my cootch was still sore from the beginning of the week. (That's what happens when you have sex five times in under 24 hours. >.>) Master knew about my soreness and could tell I was having difficulty, so he had us switch things up; he entered M from behind while she went down on me again. Except she got so excited that she started using WAY more teeth than I like, so eventually I just held her close while Master pleasured her. I think that was my favorite part of the evening, right there: holding M tightly, her hands in mine, sharing the pleasure that she was feeling. It was beautiful!

There was also some spanking of both me and M at some point in there, but, like I said, my recollection of time is pretty shaky. It was basically all one mess of awesome.

When M was all worn out, Master and I decided to try again, but I was just too sore and we had to stop. At that point it was like three or four in the morning, so we decided it was time to go to bed. So we all snuggled together in Master's big bed and fell asleep - probably one of the best sleeps of my life!

I know M wants to play again sometime, and Master and I do too. I want to/should find M and have some girl-talk with her about it, but I'm just too damn shy so I haven't gotten around to it yet. I do know, however, that I'd like to spend more individual time with M in a non-sexual setting before we do it again. Like a "date," maybe. I mean, I feel closer to her now than I did before - or I feel like I should be closer - but I don't know any more about her. So I'd like to fix that. In any case, Beltaine went excellently, even though I wasn't able to play as much as I like and there wasn't nearly enough tying-up-of-kitten for my tastes. ;P

So. Time to take stock, reconvene, and figure out where to go from here!

Monday, May 5, 2008

Quick update

I made a profile on Fetlife! It's under the same name I use here, so search for "Zula." I'd link directly to my profile, but I'm getting a 503 error. Again. :/

I'll make a long post about Beltaine later, when I have more time.

Short story: IT WAS AWESOME.

Thursday, May 1, 2008


Well, we've found a third person to play with! M, Master's and my friend, said she'd love to play with us for Beltaine (tomorrow night)! I'm so excited!

Master and I discussed for a while, and we decided we'd like M to play with us most. Originally we were going to ask both her and Z, but M and Z are going through a rough patch right now and are kinda-sorta broken up, so just M. That's still cool though. M is a wonderful woman - very intriguing. Even though she and I are friends, I don't know her quite as well as I'd like (though obviously I'm comfortable enough to play with her), and perhaps this will help foster closer bonds.

The three of us got together and discussed limits, logistics, how we were feeling, expectations, etc last night. Master and I have a good handle on each other's limits, so it was mostly to see what M was and wasn't comfortable with. There are some definite differences than what we're used to; she LOOOVES wax play but can't stand ice cubes, while I'm exactly the opposite. It should be fun to add this new dimension.

I'm a little intimidated though, because M revealed to us that (though she's going to be subbing in this scene) she's going to go into the pro-Domme business over the summer! It's not going to be her lifelong career, but the fact that she's well-established enough in her city's BDSM culture that people are requesting and paying to play with her is... well, it makes me feel a little starstruck. Like playing a game of pickup football in the backyard with Dante Culpepper or something. Though it does reassure me that she knows what she's doing.

As it stands now, this is going to be a one-time playdate. If we really like it, perhaps we will play a few more times before school lets out for the summer. However, none of us think we should start a long-standing relationship, especially not a triad, right before school lets out. If our feelings change after Beltaine, we'll reassess them then.

I also expressed my apprehension about being intimate with a women to M. The thing is, even though I'm pansexual and attracted to women, I've never done any below-the-belt stuff with one before! Even though I've got the same parts so I should know what I'm doing, it's... it's really scary! To my amazement, M admitted that she felt the exact same way, despite being in several long-term relationships with other women. Well! That made me feel a lot better. Hopefully we'll be able to get over our nervousness together. ;)

At the end of our talk, Master had M and I take turns being blindfolded and kissed, caressed, etc. by Master and the remaining woman. I was a little nervous at first because I didn't know where to begin, but M is very... expressive... and I figured out easily what she liked. And her kisses taste nice, too. It was cool, because when I watched Master touch and kiss M, I didn't feel jealous at all. In fact, I was grinning from ear to ear! I was worried that I'd have to deal with a little jealous part of me even though the vast majority of me wants to play with M, but it seems I won't have that problem in the least, thank goodness.

I can't wait until tomorrow!