Off the grid

I just got a new job, which necessitated moving to a new home in a new city in a new state. Hence the scarcity of my posts recently.

Also, I don't have internet in my apartment yet. And for obvious reasons I'm loath to post from my office computer. Right now I'm at the local pub.

In any case, I haven't even had the time yet to get to know my new city's kink scene. I know for a fact it exists - I just need to find it. But I've been too busy with moving, then with my new job, and now I've got all sorts of issues that still need sorting out.

I did go to a newbie munch in Master's hometown last weekend, which was nice. The crowd was much older than I'm used to, though. Hopefully there's an under-35 or somesuch group in my town. No offense to older kinksters - I just tend to be more comfortable and have more in common with young'ns like me.

Lately it seems I've been hearing more and more public derision and condemnation and plain ol' bigotry against kink and poly folk. Not just in conversations around me, either - I'm talking on TV, on the radio, in print. A recent example would be a DJ, when talking about rumors that some celebrity couple or another has an open marriage, saying, "That's not marriage; that's gross." It hurts every time. It's not like when I hear homophobic bullshit; then I just roll my eyes and write the spewer off as an ass, and I know that the majority of America would agree with me - they're just a lot quieter than the very loud, very bigoted minority. But I don't know that about kink and poly. So I still feel very small and alone and unwanted when it comes to that.

Priorities

One question I have yet to answer is how important a kink community is for me. I'm currently considering the possibility of spending a year in an isolated area for a job opportunity; while in many ways the place is similar to where I went to college, the one big difference is that there's not really a kinky group to speak of. (Then again, my college was very unique in that it had a burgeoning community despite its small size.) In fact, there's exactly one other kinky person that I know of.

On the one hand, kink is very important to me. I don't think I could ever have a long-term romantic relationship/sexual relationship without it, and I greatly enjoy and appreciate having like-minded people to talk to about it - and possibly indulge in some play with. I like their support, and I like having that outlet for my desires.

On the other hand, this is a pretty good job. It doesn't pay well, but it'll look good on my resume and it's good experience for future endeavors. And there's at least a kinky person, and s/he and I get along quite well.

I don't know. I don't have to make a decision just yet. I think I'll return to my home city first, to put things in perspective. Also to discuss things with my partners in person. It's a little hard over the phone in such a spotty reception area.

Speaking of...

Relating to my previous, entry, I've recently moved to a very isolated part of the Midwest for an editing job. Though it's a great job and I'm excited about it, I was mildly apprehensive, as I was just getting used to the concept of being open and active in the kink community, and it seemed likely that I'd have to go back underground again for the sake of this job, even though the community I'd be living in was pretty progressive.

Lo and behold, on my first day I find out one of my co-editors is a dominant sadist. And s/he makes regular trips to the nearest large city for munches and workshops! Oh, happy day.

I suppose I should have learned from my time at college that hippie-types and kinky-types are not mutually exclusive. But for some reason I still held that misconception. Perhaps because hippies also have the stereotype of anti-hierarchical anarchism? (Which also doesn't preclude kink, so even THAT assumption is faulty.)

In any case, it'll be nice to have even just one person who I can talk to about kinky stuff when Master isn't around to visit.

Like attracts like

I'm continually amazed by how much overlap there is between various subcultures. Most of the kinky people I know are nerds... most of the nerds I know are gamers... many of the gamers I know are queer... many of the queer people I know are of a religious minority... many of the non-monotheist people I know are also non-monogamous... it just goes on.

It's a common enough occurrence that I've seen multiple self-referential jokes about "bi poly pagan kinky geek chicks" or some permutation thereof. So obviously it's not just me.

I mentioned this to Master once, and he hypothesized that it was because marginalized groups felt a kinship for each other, so naturally there'd be cross-pollination. This makes sense to me, as it seems like almost all "minority" groups - whether minorities in the sociological sense or just niche cultures - have a high occurrence of other minority groups. The exception to this, however, is POC, which most subcultures seem to have a dearth of.

(Naturally, this doesn't mean there aren't any queers of color, geeks of color, what have you; however, they're often absent (or under-represented) in public discourse/gatherings.)

Which is unfortunate, of course. And I hope we can fix that.

New experiences

I went to my first play party last night; neither Master nor Tapeti could make it, so I went unaccompanied.

It was actually a lot of fun. Everyone was very friendly and welcoming. And I got spanked and paddled. And I got nipple clamped for the first time, which was awesome. ^_^ And there was lots of food!

Trying to snap out of sub-space was weird, though. After the scene I kept wanting to go "sub sub sub sub sub!" to the person who topped me, but I didn't want to commit any social faux pas either. What is the post-scene etiquette, I wonder?

Mixed bag

I've graduated from college and, lacking a job, have moved back home with my folks.

On the plus side, I'm much closer to Master's city, and the city I'm in actually has something of a kink scene.

On the minus side, living with one's parents does put a kink (hurr hurr hurr) in one's sex life.

The right crowd

I went to a kink demo for the first time earlier this week. It was at a goth club in my home city, and I was shockingly un-anxious about the entire thing. Whenever I've considered the possibility of meeting with actual members of "the community" outside of my immediate circle of friends, I get nervous and antsy and psych myself out before I even do it.

When I actually did go, however, I felt completely at ease. This was probably because I was there with several of my friends already, so I wasn't "alone." The drinks I imbibed also probably helped. But I think the biggest thing is that "the community" isn't actually scary. I mean, no scarier than me and my friends - 'cause we're actually already part of the community anyway! You'd think I would have figured this out before, but apparently not.

Anyway, on to the actual demo. The suspension guy was awesome; his knotwork was incredible, and he exuded such competence that I would totally have him hang me upside-down. It made me want to try more suspension; Master and I have never really done much other than tying my arms to a water pipe to slightly take the weight off my feet - nothing much at all. We were constrained by a lack of resources as much as a lack of experience. But one day I'd like to try a full-body suspension like what the guy at the club demonstrated. It looked so comfortable! Considering how much I love swings and hammocks and high places, I imagine I'd love it.

There were two dommes there who did more standard kinky stuff - impact play, wax play, cuffs and spreader bars, clamps, and the occasional judicious application of a vibrator (outside the panties, natch). I've never seen such proficient use of a flogger before; watching them and listening to the SMACK! that resounded with each strike made me weak in the knees. Lupa had to hold me up! (And then she proceeded to NOT HELP AT ALL by whispering about all the nasty mean things she wanted to do to me in my ear.)

Tapeti got her birthday spankings, and her bottom was a beautiful kaleidoscope of colors by the time they were done. The poor dear - I made her jump each time I unconsciously patted her bottom. >:3

Alas, I wasn't able to be on the receiving end of either the dommes or the suspension guy. Maybe next time I'll get the chance. 'Cause I'm definitely going there again; I haven't had that much fun at a bar or a club since... probably ever!

Growing pains

The other day Master and I had a conversation about feminism. He feels that the feminist movement has evolved so much since its inception (and it has; just compare second wave and third wave philosophies!) that the word "feminism" can no longer even be accurately applied to it. I disagree, considering that a sizable chunk of words in the English language have meaning that are far evolved from their origin, and also because "feminism" has almost become a slur - I want to change that.

Master certainly respects my decision to label myself a feminist, since he agrees with its ideals, but he wanted to make sure I'm solid in my reasoning for adopting the label and not just the philosophy. The way he made sure was by testing my reasoning - by poking and prodding and shaking the foundations of my philosophy to make sure they were solid. He pointed out the faults in my arguments, asked questions that I didn't know how to articulate answers to, and when I tried to retreat defensively he dragged me back out.

I understand that he was doing this to help me - after all, if I can't defend my choices against someone I love, then how could I against someone who's outright hostile? But it left me feeling emotionally drained afterward. I really could have used some aftercare, but, alas, he was several hundred miles away - another reason why long-distance relationships suck hardcore.

So. Why do I choose to identify as a feminist?

For the same reason I choose to identify as kinky, polyamorous, liberal, queer, and all the other labels I've decided to pin to myself. These labels resonate with me deeply because behind those labels are a set of philosophies and entire communities that make me feel more at ease. They give me something to ground myself with, something to identify with. Being and individual is cool and all, but it's scary being all by your lonesome. That's why almost everyone has at least one group they choose to associate with. And even though there are people whose interpretations of kink/polyamory/liberalism/queer activism/feminism I'll disagree with (an inevitability, really), there are still hundreds of awesome human beings that I've met or heard of who helped me understand who I am as a person and where I fit in this world. I want to associate with them, I want to help others find their place in the same way that these people helped me.

And, yeah, I do kinda want to save the world.

That's why I call myself a feminist.

What to do

Master, at my request, is looking into the possibility of us going to a play party and/or BDSM club when I'm in town again next week. I'm excited, but also incredibly nervous. I have no idea what to expect or how to behave. I mean, I know basic etiquette - don't pick up someone else's toys without asking them, don't get in the way of a scene, yadda yadda - common sense stuff. But I'm still terrified that I'll make some terrible social gaffe.

Really, I get this way whenever I'm entering a new social situation. My first cross-country races and ski meets gave me the same trepidation. It doesn't make it any easier. >.<

Quick update

I made a profile on Fetlife! It's under the same name I use here, so search for "Zula." I'd link directly to my profile, but I'm getting a 503 error. Again. :/

I'll make a long post about Beltaine later, when I have more time.

Short story: IT WAS AWESOME.

Damn everybody for having a life >:[

The BDSM "club" I'm trying to get together has run into a major snag: everyone's too damn busy, including me. School lets out in a month, and in the one month we have left, half the group (again, including me) is putting together a play. In between that, classes, and the billion DnD games we're all in, I dunno if we'll have a single chance to meet!

...There's always next year?

*sigh*

Disappointing

For Ally Appreciation Week on campus, today the Alliance (my school's GLBTA group) sponsored a "safe erotic sex workshop." I wasn't sure what they meant by "erotic sex," since as far as I can tell pretty much all sex is erotic - or should be, anyway. When I mused aloud about the meaning, my friend R said, "Yeah, I asked [one of our friends who is an active member of the Alliance] about that, and he said 'erotic' meant, like, 'fetish' and stuff."

As you can guess, my interest went up by a zillion percent as visions of demonstrations on proper flogging technique and quick-release knots danced through my head. Unfortunately, I was on duty that night (tonight, in fact), so I'd only be able to make the first half hour. Lame! At least Master would be able to stay for the entire thing, so I hoped he'd get some ideas.

Well, like I said, I was only able to stay for a half-hour, but I was pretty disappointed by that half-hour. Apparently R was misinformed; "safe erotic sex workshop" really meant "education on STDs and how to make using condoms sexy." Which is important, don't get me wrong, but not nearly as exciting - or relevant, since Master and I are in a monogamous relationship and we're both already STD-free.

*sigh* Oh well. Master came back with some free samples of flavored lube, as well as a packet of various condoms that (inexplicably) contained breath mints, so at least I have minty-fresh breath now.

Up and running, hopefully

Well, we've got a tentative date set for the first BDSM club meeting. I'm thinking of naming it "Anything But Vanilla." I'll run it by the others when we meet. So far, about six or seven people are attending; hopefully we'll be able to get more with time.

I really hope this works. This'll be the first organization that I've ever started, much less one that gets off the ground.

The real world

When Master and I went to the lingerie party I mentioned in my previous post, I wore a shibari rope dress (with underwear overneath, of course). Master also had me on a leash a good portion of the time. (Sometimes he let me run loose! >:3) I got lots of compliments about my outfit, and I noticed they tended to fall into two categories: those who said, "Your outfit is really cool/neat/cute!" and those who said, "Hey, that rope dress was done right! Great job!"

There were a surprising number of the latter comments.

That's what I really love about the college I'm attending - there's a good number of people with the same interests as Master and me. Even though wearing BDSM-inspired clothing/lingerie is trendy these days, there were a number of people there whom I could tell weren't just wearing it for the looks. It was a sign of who they were. It felt reassuring to be in the presence of all those other people who knew where I was coming from.

Then I saw an episode of G4's Wired For Sex series. This particular episode was about the Internet's influence on the proliferation of fetishism, with a smattering of cybersex as well. Obviously, it couldn't devote time to all the fetishes out there, so it focused on balloon fetishists and furries. In fact, if I recall correctly, most of the episode was about furries.

What really got me, though, was when they addressed the "darker side" of fetishism. One person they interviewed said, "The downside of this freedom provided by the Internet is that it allows all kinds of fetishes, even if they cross into the realm of evil. Say, for example... child pornography." The narrator then went on to recount the tale of a woman who was murdered while having her fantasy played out. While this was all going on, the episode showed stock videos of people tied up and in hoods, cages, ball gags - all sorts of typical BDSM activities.

Um. What.

What in the hell does BDSM have to do with child porn?! Oh sure, you can devote half an episode to the furries because they're just funny people who dress up in cute costumes, but BDSM? Too scary! Just lump it with the kiddie porn - no one knows the difference anyway! Jesus Christ.

When I told Master about my grievances with the episode, he said, "Well, you're going to have to get used to it. For most of society, BDSM is a very scary thing. You're part of a minority now."

I didn't bother telling him that, as a queer woman, I was already part of a couple minorities. At least it's no longer socially acceptable (for the most part) to openly discriminate against those minority groups. Hopefully BDSMers will receive the same acceptance (more or less) some day.

Reaching out

Master and I aren't really part of the BDSM "community." We know it's there, and we've viewed it from afar via the internet. We might even take part of it once in a while (we plan to go to Shibaricon, and TEASE looks inviting as well), but I don't think either of us could truthfully say we're involved in the community.

Part of it, I suppose, is because of our location. We live in a small town of less than 10,000 people in the northern Midwest - a place not exactly known for its liberal attitudes. However, the college we attend is like a microcosm of sexual freedom, with a burgeoning queer population and hedonistic semi-annual lingerie parties. We are far from the only ones we know who practice BDSM. Our friends E and O were over to play video games just the other night, and we were making Dom/sub jokes constantly. Everyone knew where everyone else was coming from. But we've never really had an in-depth discussion regarding BDSM. We've never shared stories or swapped tricks or advice.

Though this might just be because we're not that close of friends, period. They are certainly friends, but not the type that I'd share intimate details of my life with. And BDSM is certainly one of the more private aspects of my life. There really isn't any reason, though, why I couldn't become closer friends with either or both of them. I've wanted for a while to be closer friends with O - perhaps the fact that we're both subs could be a point of connection between us? We'll see; I always have a hard time actively pursuing a relationship - I usually just let them happen.

I do have a few friends who I know are into BDSM that I suppose I could open up to more. M and C, for one. I have talked to M a bit about BDSM, not so much C - but then again, that goes for my relationships with them in general. S is also a sub and one of my closest friends, but she hasn't had much sexual experience and I don't want to sound like I'm bragging to her or anything. :/

Maybe I could organize a mini-munch for my like-minded friends. I think that'd be fun. It'd certainly be less awkward to have a conversation explicitly for BDSM stuff than just randomly asking, "Sooo.... how do you like wax play?" Ha! If there's enough of us, we could even divide into sub munches and Dom Munches, though I don't really know any Doms besides Master and E. I'll have to sniff them all out!

Ok, kitten, don't get ahead of yourself....

Still, I can dream. I think it's a good idea to at least run by Master, see what he thinks of it.