Sunday, February 24, 2008

Go free

Last night, Master expressed concern that I was spending too much time with him, and not enough time doing my own things.

I understand where he's coming from, and I think he's right; I'm going to try to do more of the things I did last year, before he took me in.

It isn't good for a cat to be cooped up all day; she needs to exercise, to socialize, to explore. Otherwise, she'll go stir-crazy.

Friday, February 22, 2008

Bad things, continued.

I'm still trying to make sense of what happened the other day. I know I didn't enjoy it at all, that Master pushed me way further than he had before, much more quickly than he ever had before. So why didn't I use the safeword?

It certainly wouldn't have been the first time. I don't think I was afraid of "insulting" or "disappointing" Master - he's always praised me for using the safeword when I needed to. I didn't forget the word in the heat of the moment, and I debated fiercely with myself whether I should use it.

Should I say it?


Maybe I should...


But I don't like this!


I never gave myself a reason why I shouldn't say the safeword. I still don't know why I didn't.

I still don't know if I should have.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Bad things

Yesterday I left the door to Master's apartment unlocked. Nothing was taken, but he was very upset with me. So that night he handcuffed and blindfolded me, then had me sit on the bed. "Do you know what I have for you?" he asked.

"The ruler?"

"No, but close."

"A spoon?"

"No. Let me give you a hint."

I heard the snick of scissors and jumped. My heart began to pound, but I reminded myself again and again, Master isn't going to harm you. He's not going to cut you. Don't worry - he'd never harm you.

He began running the scissors lightly against my skin. "I don't think you understand the importance of things that belong to me," he said, his voice low and with a hard edge to it. "So I think I should take something important from you..."

I knew immediately what he was talking about and shook my head violently. No, no, no, no, no! My breath came in short, panicked gasps, and I began to tremble. Not my hair! Please, oh please not my hair! He pulled the scissors from my skin and said, "Don't. Move. An inch." I was so frightened! My throat tightened up, and I began to sob a little bit as I felt a gentle tug at my hair and heard the soft snip of scissors. I was paralyzed with terror; I could barely breathe, let alone speak.

Master pulled the blindfold from my eyes and held out his hand: a tiny bundle of hair, no more than a centimeter long, was nestled in his palm. Even though I was relieved that he hadn't damaged my hair, I was still upset that he led me to believe otherwise. Master knelt to look me in the face, saw my tearstained eyes and trembling lips, and pulled me close to comfort me, apologizing.

I never want to do that again.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

The deep end

Last night Master pushed my limits much further than he ever had before. He didn't really do anything new - anal, spanking, shibari, clothespins, ice cubes - but he spanked me longer and harder, the bondage was heaver than before, and he used the ice cube much more extensively. All of it in combination sent me much deeper into subspace than I'd ever gone before.

Anal has always been a surefire way to get me into subspace quickly. I'm not sure what it is about it, but I find it to be one of the most submissive acts possible. I think it's because 1) Master is touching me in a place I don't even touch myself, 2) Master could hurt me very easily there, so I'm at his mercy, and 3) it feels kind of like I have no control over my bowels. That's one of the most intensely personal functions one has, and even that was taken from me (or seemed to be, anyway). Afterwards, as I lay on the bed while Master washed his hands, I felt like a little baby. I was completely helpless. It was incredible.

And that was only the beginning. Over the next hour, Master pushed me even further. It was so strange to experience. I felt like I couldn't look Master in the face, I was so submissive. I couldn't tell what was pain and what was pleasure; the clothespins on my nipples felt exquisite, then I'd forget they were even there, then they'd be excruciating. I wasn't me anymore; I was kitten, and only kitten. At one point I said the safeword - I can't even remember why now - and when Master stopped to make sure I was okay and to reassure me, he used my real name. That pulled me out of it for a moment, and I was able to lock eyes with him. When we started again, however, I dived back down almost right away.

Afterwards, when Master was holding me, I started trembling and shaking. Apparently I was also slurring my words, but I didn't even notice that. All I could do was cling to Master as these little spasms wracked my body and try to put my mind back in order. My thoughts were all muddied and slow, and I still couldn't bring myself to look Master in the face or call him by his real name. I told Master that if he called me by my real name I'd probably snap out of it, but he said he didn't want me to just yet. So we lay there together for a while - I don't know how long. Master was a little worried about me because this had never happened to me before, but I assured him that I was okay and that he hadn't hurt me at all.

And I was exhausted. So completely exhausted! I was as weak as a newborn kitten. Thank goodness Master was there to take care of me.

Master told me once I'd completely come out of it that he wanted to keep things up at that intensity for a while, and once I was comfortable with it he'd push a little more. I'm a little nervous about what he's going to do next, but the thought of being pushed into that zone again makes me want to try it.


On a side note, I got a new collar! It's a red dog collar. I really like it because it's durable and casual enough that I can wear it with my everyday clothes, but Master says it's a little less subtle than he's used to. I'd like to get a nametag for it someday. I'm not sure whether to put my real name, the nickname that everyone calls me, or Master's pet name for me on it. My pet name is kind of a secret, so I'm a little hesitant to use that one, even though it'd probably be most appropriate.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

The deceptively nasty clothespin

The other day, I went to see Master after taking a shower. I was still wearing my robe, and as soon as I entered the room, Master bent me over and spanked me with a ruler for forgetting to put on my collar that morning - and for not updating this blog for over a week! He keeps close track. In any case, after he spanked me, he kissed me, slipped off my robe, and told me to close my eyes. I did, and I heard him walk into the other room.

Soon he returned, and he began caressing me, taking me in his arms. Then I felt something brush against my nipple. It felt sharp - like a knife blade. My heart raced, but I said nothing; I'd said that I'd like to do more with knife play, after all. But then I felt it press down on my nipple, harder and harder. Oh god, I thought, is he really going to cut me? We hadn't discussed anything like this! Especially nothing about cutting my nipple! He knows how sensitive they are! I stood still for as long as I could, until I was sure that I could feel the blade digging into my skin, feel the burning of my skin tearing. I couldn't take it anymore! I shouted the safeword, and immediately the pressure ceased and Master held me close, asking, "Are you okay? What's wrong?"

I opened my eyes and looked up into his concerned face. I didn't see him holding a knife, and there wasn't a mark on my nipple, even though I was sure I felt the skin break. "I... I got scared," I said, confused. "I didn't know what you were using."

Master smiled and held up his weapon: a wooden clothespin. I sighed and almost melted with relief. "I feel so silly! I thought for sure you had a knife! It felt so sharp!" I was astonished that I could have been so mistaken. It really felt just like a blade, but it wasn't even close - he was pinching, not cutting! It's amazing how easily our minds are tricked.

My eyes open this time, Master slowly reapplied the clothespin, first to one breast, then the other. The pain was much sharper than anything we'd done before; even with the ruler, the pain was only a brief flash, then gone. This was sustained, and it was exquisite. I almost collapsed when he finally removed it.

The night after, Master used the clothespin again. He'd bound my hands behind my back in the box shape, then put the clothespin on my right nipple before taking me from behind. It was uniquely frustrating for me, these contradictory sensations of pleasure and pain. The clothespin was like an annoying bug that I couldn't get rid of. I decided to try rubbing it off on the blanket, thinking that since it was just a clothespin it'd come free easily. Boy, was I wrong! I pressed my breast to the sheets and shrugged my shoulders to catch the clothespin and pull it free, and was met with an intense, burning pain as the clothespin held fast. I tried again, and again the pain, but the clothespin was still solid. My nipple was screaming with pain now; that's what I get for trying to break free. Finally, I begged for Master to take it off, and once he did my nipple almost felt numb from the sudden absence of pain.

We need to get more of those.

Friday, February 8, 2008


I got the BDSM classic Screw The Roses, Send Me The Thorns in the mail a few days ago, and I've been reading it every chance I get. It's showing its age (the only form of online dating it covers is BBS), and its grammatical errors make me cringe (so many comma splices!), but it's funny and has given me a lot of good ideas. Though it's addressed mostly to Doms, there's stuff that subs should know too, and I can just share the ideas I get with Master, anyway.

One of the things that STR,SMTT has really whetted my appetite for is more role-playing. I wanted to do more of that before I even got the book, but this has given me more fodder for fantasies. Like I said before, though, I'm just worried that my acting may not be good enough. But I suppose the only way to get better is to practice!

I also would like to try longer, more extended scenes - ones that last hours or maybe even a full day. That doesn't mean I'd spend the whole day tied down naked to a bed, but I would spend the whole day in whatever role I'm assuming for the scene. Maybe we'll spend a weekend playing "hostage and captor" one day.

A few other things I wanted to try more were more heavy-duty bondage, like with cuffs and spreader bars and stuff (though that can get expensive), and maybe sensory deprivation. I used to be really against mummification and hoods, but now I'm a little curious. I'd also like to try more with nipple clamps. Master used a chip-clip on me the other night, which was lots of fun! Unfortunately, we only have one. :( I've been meaning to go to Wal-Mart to get some clothespins, though. Flogging is another thing that is probably too expensive to try anytime soon; it's been a while since Master did anything with knife play, though, and I kind of want him to do that again.

I'll see if Master wants to read the book once I'm done. Even if he doesn't, there's a surprising number of friends who have already read it and I can talk to them about it. Though, in retrospect, it's really to be expected that they would be into BDSM.