Friday, December 26, 2008

The Talk

When we get back on campus, Master and I are going to have The Talk. Not that Talk (I already know babies come from Raptor Jesus), but the Talk about where we want our relationship to go in the next few years.

We both want to stay together after he graduates this year, and we both would like for me to move to his city after I graduate next year - we've already determined that part. What we still need to work out is the logistics of how we'll get to that point. What will be the terms of our relationship while he's out of the country? While I'm still in school? That kind of thing.

We're also going to talk about our fears and uncertainties and how we're going to deal with them. I, for one, am worried by my past experiences with people who graduate, as we seem to inevitably lose contact with each other and just... drift apart. I'm terrified of that happening between me and Master. Obviously I shouldn't put too much weight on past experiences because those relationships weren't anything like what Master and I have. They were "just friends," as it were, while Master is infinitely more than that, making our bond that much stronger.

Still, I worry. I do that.

Thing is, I know I can live without Master. I'm not dependent on him for my survival. But it's getting harder and harder for me to imagine what a life without him would be like, and what I do imagine I don't particularly like.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Wah. :[

Master and I have gone to our respective homes for the holidays. While I was able to spend a good week with him in his hometown, it's very difficult to have good sex in a three-bedroom house with five to six other people in it. :/

While Master and I were hanging out in his family's pub, House, M.D. was playing on one of the TVs. It was an older episode that I'd somehow missed (I'm a rather rabid fan >.>) in which the patient of the day was a sub/bottom who also had a fetish for breath play* and was in a rather strict 24/7 relationship with a Domme. I didn't quite catch if she was a professional or not (the volume was too low to hear in the bar and the clost captioning was shit), but it seemed like a genuine loving relationship - not just a business arrangement.

Of course, there were good and bad things in this portrayal in the show. On the one hand, Chase was/had been a part of the scene, so he was sympathetic to the patient and his Domme; he guessed the nature of their relationship right away, but didn't want to "out" them and stayed silent (whether he should have as a doctor is another thing), and he stood up for them when Cuddy barred the Domme from the hospital. And the smile on his face when he watched the two reunite was priceless!

That was outweighed by the general disgust of the rest of the cast, though - mostly Foreman and the clinic's laywer, as well as Cuddy. And the patient's family, of course - but they were quite obviously painted as the "villains" in the episode: people so intolerant, so insensitive towards their son that they were almost willing to sit back and let him die. House took them to task quite thoroughly for that; and for his part, House cracked his off-color jokes about leather and so on, but for the most part didn't give a damn about what the patient did in the sack - very House of him, really.

As for the portrayal of the Domme and sub... I'm mixed. Though it was nice to see a D/s relationship that didn't have chains and latex all over the place, and the Domme was obviously very intelligent and cared deeply about her sub, I didn't like how the sub was portrayed as a spineless, sobbing twit without the Domme. I mean, Jesus Christ, I may be a sub, but I have enough self-esteem to make critical medical decisions about myself! For fuck's sake!

I also was perturbed that it was the sub's kink that made him wind up in the hospital. I mean, even though the general tone was vaguely sympathetic, the fact that the sub had to give up his fetish or die gave seemed to give a "he got what was coming" message. But I may be reading to much into it - and I wasn't able to catch all of the episode before they turned to a football game, so maybe I'm missing a critical part that changed the entire meaning of the episode.

*I've noticed that whenever BDSM is featured in the media, it almost always involves erotic asphyxiation - to an extent much further than it seems to feature in the actual community. I wonder what it is about breath play that makes it particularly alluring to TV writers; perhaps the fact that it's so obviously dangerous makes it easier to vilify? After all, you wouldn't want the viewers to get any ideas.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Kinky vanilla?

(Taking a quick break from working on my final portfolio for my writing class.)

The other night Master and I had completely vanilla sex. Before we began, he laid out the "rules" - no spanking, no dirty-talking, no biting, no calling each other "Master" and "kitten." It was to be as "normal" as possible.

Let me tell you, it was weird. I mean, it was still sex, so it was nice, but it was absolutely bizarre. It felt so much more staged than our playsessions. I suppose it was - we were roleplaying as a vanilla college couple.

It was kind of cool, though, how I could feel Master restraining himself. I could sense that he wanted to grab me, to hold me down, to bite and smack me, but he didn't. He was practically trembling from the contained energy and violence. Oh man, was that awesome. That was definitely a turn-on.

Still, it wasn't something I'd want to do a lot. I definitely prefer kink. It's hard to believe that Master and I used to have sex that way all the time for an entire year. Buh. We talked about it afterwards, and we both agree that we could never go back to a plain vanilla relationship. No way, man. I've been too thoroughly corrupted. ;)

Thursday, December 4, 2008

On Incest

I admit it; I occasionally have incest dreams. When I told Master this, he said, "Oh yeah, I have those too," which reassures me this is a fairly normal occurrence. Considering how much more bizarre our minds are than we'd like people to believe, I'm not surprised. However, I've noticed there are two distinct types of incest dreams that I have.

The first kind involves actual members of my family, usually my siblings. In these dreams, the sex usually isn't depicted very positively; often I'll perceive a rank, putrid odor while dreaming about it, and even in the dream I often think, "Oh ew, what the hell am I doing?" It almost always involves multiple family members at a time; one time my entire family was there at once. The sex is usually frantic and furtive, and we're usually rolling around in garbage, like rats.

The second kind involves people whom my mind identifies as a family member but who is entirely fictitious. Invariably my "relative" is dashingly good-looking (and often closely resembles Master, ha!) and we always have the classic, angst-tastic, "NO, we cannot do this - our love is forbidden! ...BUT I CANNOT RESIST YOU," scene before making sweet, sweet love to each other. In other words, it's the stereotypical heterosexual (most of the time my "relative" is male) female fantasy, except with a twist.

If I were to hypothesize why I have these two starkly different types of dreams, I'd guess that it's two different ways of my brain playing with the incest taboo, in each case focusing on something different.

Let's face it - taboos are alluring. They're fascinating. They're sexy. That's the whole point of the story of Genesis. We're repulsed by taboos, but it is that very repugnance that makes them irresistible.

So. Incest. Definitely taboo.* But something my brain can't ignore. So it constructs these fantasies to explore this particular taboo. Sometimes it focuses on the reality of incest - that it's having sex with family members. This is something that I'm wired to find disgusting. So when I dream about it, my unconscious expresses its disgust even as it dreams about it. Other times, my brain focuses on why the taboo is alluring, which is because it's "forbidden." Oooooh, fun! Humans, instigators that we are, can't resist forbidden stuff. We love it. So my brain expresses how much it loves playing with the forbidden by constructing the ideal "relative" for me to get nasty with. Tee hee! Aren't I naughty - I'm doing something I'm not supposed to!

I wonder if I have incest dreams at a higher frequency than the average vanilla person, since I'm more in to busting taboos. (FWIW, I have 'em about once a month, if that.)

*Whether it's rightfully taboo is something else altogether, and something I don't know the answer to, so I won't get into that right now.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

What the FUCK.

Jesus fucking Christ.

I'm watching the Carson Daly Show (first time watching it), and he just played this "game" called "Dude or Not a Dude?"

Basically, this "game" consists of taking mug shots of sex workers and guessing whether they're a ciswoman or a "transvestite" (which in the context he apparently actually meant a transwoman).

That's fucking disgusting on more levels than I can even comprehend.

Firstly, he's ridiculing these people based on their appearance. They're mocked if they don't look "feminine" enough - after all, the last thing any woman would want is to look like a "dude." But I guess it's okay to degrade ugly women, especially if they're sex workers. After all, sex workers aren't real people, amirite?


Secondly, he's got some fucking gall to think he can determine whether someone is male or female. The only person who can determine that is themselves. By calling a transwoman a "dude" just because she doesn't "pass" to his satisfaction, he's denying her identity, her agency - even her very personhood for the sake of a few cheap laughs. Aren't trannies funny? They like to pretend they're real women! Ha ha ha!

Thirdly... jsdfakjl;aldkjdfk. I'm just livid right now. Fucking asshole.

(x-posting to my other blag)

Thursday, November 27, 2008


Hahaha, it's a joke. Get it?

Ahem. Anyway.

Master and I are in our respective states for T-Day break, and in the two days we've been apart I've masturbated twice.

I'm actually kind of weirded out by it. And I'm weirded out by how weirded out I am.

When I was in high school and junior, I masturbated on a fairly regular basis - at least three times a week, sometimes every night. Then I came to college, I became sexually active soon after, and my desire to masturbate just... petered out. However, it didn't stop - sometimes I get the urge to masturbate mere minutes after I've had sex, so it leads me to conclude that my sex drive and my masturbation drive are separate, though highly influenced by one another. That, and I find the act of masturbation to be a turn-on in itself; I don't need to fantasize about sex to get turned on because thinking about masturbating turns me on.

Even when I'm apart from Master for the summer, though, my masturbation drive doesn't really rebound much. Once, maybe twice a week is it - except for when I suddenly get a streak and I'll masturbate three times a day. It's all very erratic.

Which leads me to wonder why I suddenly have the drive now. I know that some women's sex drives are influenced by their menstrual cycle, but I no longer have a menstrual cycle, thanks to my nifty little IUD. Maybe I still have the hormone fluctuations, but not the external signs (i.e. the period). But I don't recall any regular changes in my sex drive even when I did have a period. It was basically random.

It's a little frustrating. I get thirsty when my body doesn't have enough liquid to perform essential cell functions; I get hungry for the same reasons. Sleepiness is a little more puzzling, but we generally understand that we get tired when our body has been running for too long without a chance to regenerate via sleep. But what triggers our levels of horniness? Why do I sometimes crave sex multiple times a day; why do I sometimes go for weeks during the summer without even thinking about touching myself?

I dunno. It's all very strange.

Sunday, November 23, 2008


Ume and I talk about our respective sex lives with relative frequency. It's interesting to compare our similarities and our differences because Ume and his girlfriend are very... well, I don't want to say "egalitarian" because it's not that there isn't any power exchange between them - there is, but it's constantly in flux. They both enjoy sports and gambling, so they make bets and whoever wins gets to "top" (they don't do much more than the light bondage almost every couple engages in) until the next game.

I think that's really cool, and it fits their playful attitudes perfectly. But I don't know if I could do things that way. I like haing a constant in my life - the constant presence of Master's domination oer me. It's not always obvious, but I can feel it, like gravity.

That's not to say that it's constant. We have our own flux, but it's like the scales are balanced differently, so even when we're at "equilibrium" our power exchange still isn't equal - whereas Ume and his girlfriend have an equally balanced scale, but it can tip one way or the other much more easily. Or at least it does in bed; I haven't really asked if they carry this philosophy out of the bedroom. I suppose that's another area of difference between us.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Making time

Master and I don't really play the same way we did last year. We don't have the "smoke and mirrors" as much as we used to, even though we have more bona-fide implements of dastardly fun (like the crop and the flogger). What I mean by "smoke and mirrors" is that we don't have the candles, the elaborate bondage, stuff like that as much. We tend more just towards straight up D/s and less on the BD and SM.

I think - and Master agrees - it's mostly because we've both been very busy this semester, and it's harder to play together when we don't live in the same building. And we both think we'd like to have more playtime.

So! Wednesday nights are going to be our bondage nights. Not tonight, though, since we'll be busy with the play that we're in this weekend, and not next Wednesday since we'll be on Thanksgiving Break. BUT! The Wednesday after that! It should be fun.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Sex work

Master is an avid photographer, and his most recent project involves him contacting people who advertise sexual encounters on Craigslist and photographing them. His most recent subject was a sex worker (I think she calls herself an escort) from the nearest city who goes by the name of Ms. Goodhead. I wish I could have met her - it sounds like she and I have a lot in common. She's also a college student - and an English major! - and we're both into kink, which I'm guessing had something to do with her choice of job.

I would have liked to have asked her about what it's like to work in the sex industry, not because I'm terribly interested in becoming a sex worker (I don't have the self-confidence for that!) but because, despite my support of sex workers' rights, I don't personally know any besides my friend who worked as a prodomme over the summer, and I'm not sure if that even counts because she didn't actually have sex with her clients. And I know that you don't need personal experience with/exposure to an issue to support it, but I also know it damn well helps.

On a related note, I find it interesting that all of my friends whom I've discussed the issue with agree that some sort of legalization/decriminalization of prostitution would be a good idea because it would give sex workers more legal protection. We've only talked about it in passing, so I haven't determined if we disagree on the specifics on how to go about such a thing, but the fact that we all just happen to be of roughly the same mind is intriguing. I'd like to think it's a sign of a shift in societal attitudes, but I'm also aware that we're not exactly representative of the American majority.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Public secret

Not to long ago, Master and I were hanging out with a friend of ours, and we were discussing the most recent lingerie party. At the party, Master had his riding crop and had given me many good whacks with it. "Yeah, he was hittin' ya pretty hard with that crop," our friend said.

"Yup," I said.

"That was... pretty crazy," he said, giving me an expectant look.

"Yup." I had a feeling he wanted me to respond in a certain way, but I wasn't feeling like going along with it.

Later that night, I wondered aloud at our friend's odd behavior. "He was probably waiting for you to confirm what he was thinking," Master said, meaning that I like kink. He raised a question I'm still wondering about - how many people know the nature of our relationship?

We don't try to hide it, but we don't broadcast it, either. I wear my collar all the time, and many times when we're lounging around I'll sit at his feet. I've worn shibari harnesses to two lingerie parties now, too. Well, I know that several of my friends know because they're into kink too and we talk about it together, but as for my vanilla friends, it's a lot more unclear.

I don't really care if they do know. I mean, our school's very laid-back about that kind of thing, my friends especially so - we (well, they) did start the lingerie party on campus, after all. Once I get out of college... well, I don't tell my coworkers about my sex life right now, so I don't forsee any problems. Hopefully I'm not being too optimistic.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

So about that...

I suppose I should get around to talking about my playtime with Master and Lupa.

It actually happened rather suddenly. I was over at Master's apartment and he suddenly asked, "Do you want to ask [Lupa] if she wants to stay over?"

I blinked as I processed what he was saying. "Okay!" I called her on my phone; once she picked up, I said, "Saay... I'm staying over at [Master's] tonight, and we were wondering if you'd like to come over... and perhaps stay over."

"Oh reeaaaallly?" Lupa replied.

"No pressure; you don't have to."

"Do you guys have an alarm? I have to get up early tomorrow."

"Yeah, we can set an alarm for you."

"Okay! I'll be right over."

As Master and I waited for Lupa to arrive, he asked me what I wanted to do this time around. I said I liked the game "Who's On Top" last time we played, so it'd be cool to do that again. The element of chance was thrilling. When Lupa came over, we played video games and talked and hung out until bedtime. At that point, Master took us into the bedroom and said, "Now [Lupa], do you remember the game we played last time? 'Who's On Top?' Tonight were going to play a slightly different game called... [Lupa's] On Bottom."

Lupa and I giggled excitedly. After much caressing and kissing and so on, we tied Lupa's hands behind her back and pushed her down onto the bed. Then we started playing with her ass - spanking, fondling, and eventually cropping and flogging, too. Master and I switched off; one would beat her ass while the other would kiss and caress her top half. Lupa tends to wear several layers, and that night was no exception; we would peel away one layer, spank/flog/etc her ass some more, than slowly remove the next layer, and continue the process untill we'd reached bare skin. Her cheeks were a beautiful cherry red - it was fascinating! I couldn't stop touching and caressing and fondling her ass.

It was a bit strange because throughout it all I didn't feel particularly dominant. I felt... playful. Like when I play-wrestle or have a poke-war with a friend of mine; I'm being forceful, yes, and physical, but only because I like to tease my friend and get a reaction from them, not because I want to assert power or control. So, yes, I was topping, but I wasn't domming. I still felt distinctly submissive to Master the entire time; I looked to him for direction.

Anyway, eventually we all got naked and moved on to the sexin'. I got to use my strap-on for the first time. ^_^ It was pretty awkward at first, since I'd never used one before, but the entire scene was very low-key and low-pressure, so we just fumbled along and giggled at any mistakes. As long as we enjoyed ourselves, yeah?

Using the strap-on was... interesting. I mean, it definitely felt great. The pressure on my pubic bone was amazing, and at one point Master started going down on Lupa while I was inside her, and I could feel the vibrations up my toy - incredible! I could even feel her pulse. But, on the other hand, I had no kinesthetic awareness with the toy. I couldn't feel if I was inside Lupa or not; I couldn't feel if I was too deep or not deep enough or anything (easily remidied by Lupa telling me, but still). I also wasn't at all used to the whole thrusting thing. But I got the hang of it quickly enough.

At the end of it all, as we all lay together, I said, "I love you both!"

Master said, "I love you both, too."

And Lupa chimed in, "I love you both too!"


Monday, October 20, 2008

Who am I to say?

I was going to write about the playtime Master and I had with Lupa the other night, but something else just happened that I want to get off my chest, so the happy-fun-sexy time will have to wait for later.

Today at lunch I was talking with my former roommate and some other friends, and somehow (I'm not even sure how this came up), my roommate started talking about a video she saw during HRC leadership training about a summer camp for transkids. "And there was this one scene that showed all the kids down at the beach, right, and there was this boy wearing a one-piece swimsuit, and it was the weirdest thing I had ever seen! I mean, you're at the beach! It shouldn't matter, right?"

I grimaced at her calling a (apparent) transgirl a "boy." You'd think they'd have covered that in the training session. "But that doesn't matter," I said, referring to the fact that it was technically socially acceptable for the transgirl to have her chest exposed. "All her life she's been picking up the societal cues that are sent to girls, and so she feels the need to cover her chest."

"And that's another thing," my roommate said. "They say the're breaking down the gender binary... by reinforcing the opposite side? How does that work? I mean, I don't define myself by my breasts."

Oh dear. I've heard that one before.

I should have spoken up at that point, saying that being transgendered is about so much more than that - so much more than gender stereotypes. I should have said that it's about the body you see in the mirror in the morning never matching what you expect in your mind. I should have said it's about hesitating whenever you're asked to check/circle one, M or F, because you know what people are expecting you to choose is not the one you know is right, and have known is right since the day you were born. I should have said that the reason some transgendered people dress/act in ways typical (some might even say stereotypical) to their gender identity is because otherwise people would keep gendering them incorrectly.

I should have said all that. But I didn't because I knew what she would say.

How would I know? I can't speak with any authority about being transgendered - because I'm not.

No, I'm not, I would reply. I'm definitely cissexual. But I've heard and read the words of several transgendered people, and that's where I've gleaned my understanding, however flawed it may be because of my cissexual paradigm. Perhaps my roommate would to well to actually listen to what transgendered people have to say as well.

I should have said all that, but I didn't. I was too afraid that I'd get shouted down or laughed away, so I clammed up and slumped down in my chair as she went on to criticize a transgendered friend of ours who apparently wasn't passing enough and therefore wasn't "really" transgendered. Eventually I was so uncomfortable with the tone of the conversation that I had to leave.

I was a poor ally today. I need to improve if I'm going to be of any help at all.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Birthday suits

I'm a bit of a nudist. I looove to romp around Master's room naked (he loves it when I do this too, hahaha), and when I don't have a roommate to worry about I romp naked around my room too. My enthusiasm's worn off on Master, too; sometimes, after sex, I'll lounge on the couch and read a comic book while he surfs the web, and we'll both be completely nude, something which he says he used to be uncomfortable with.

Thing is though, I feel really uncomfortable wearing clothes when Master isn't. I think it's because being naked makes me feel vulnerable and exposed - which I like, since I feel safe and secure when I'm around master - and so when I'm clothed and he's not it feels like I have more power than he does. Eeeeeeeeeeh! I don't want more power! That's his territory!

Saturday, October 11, 2008

My very first SM dream. D'awww.

I'm home for the weekend (read: away from Master), and even though it's only been a day I must be feeling kink-deprived, since I had my first really vivid dream involving BDSM. In it, Master sent me away to another heterosexual couple (that exist only in my head) on the other side of the country as a "gift." I took the train there, and when I arrived at their house one of the first things they did was bend me over a table, tie my arms down, and whip my bottom raw with their hands and a cane. Then the man started working my shoulders/upper back with a flogger while the woman did all sorts of naughty things to my vulva with her hands and mouth. They had me reduced to a limp, incoherent mess in no time.

Once they did that, they untied me and sent me to a large kennel crate to make my "den." I had all the items that I have in my "kitty corner" at Master's apartment - a big yellow body pillow, a sheepskin throw, a regular pillow - as well as some furs and blankets that I don't have in real life. I cheerfully crawled around on all fours and arranged my bed until it was just so; at one point, the guy was on the phone with Master, telling him how things were going so far, and at one point the man said, "I don't think she even remembers my name." He put his hand over the mouthpiece of the phone and said to me, "Kitten, what's my name?"

I thought for a moment, blinked, realized I had no idea, and just shrugged and mewed. The man and woman laughed, and I could sense Master's amusement, even though he was miles away.

I think part of the "inspiration" for this dream was that I was given a good spanking by someone other than Master or Lupa for the first time last weekend. It was O, at a lingerie party, and while he hit harder than I'm used to, it was still a thrilling experience. It was different, and while Master's touch never fails to send chills down my spine (in the best way), experiencing a different top was incredible fun.

However, I don't think I'd like ever playing out my dream's scenario in reality. Kink is very intimate to me, and I quail at the idea of being shipped far away from Master to some people I don't even know. Ew. Not to mention it's plain dangerous.

Ooooh, I'm all worked up now. I wanna playyy! *can't wait to see Master again*

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

That went well

I "came out" as poly to my ex-girlfriend last night. It happened to come up in conversation, so it wasn't like a "I have something very important to tell you" thing.

The first thing she asked was whether I get tested for STDs, which for me is a "Yeah, duh" but it's a legitimate concern, I suppose.

The next thing she asked was whether I ever get jealous. I told her every once in a while, but for the most part both Master and I are fine - and when one of us does get jealous, we talk it over and work things out.

"Man, I don't think I could do that," she said.

"It's not for everyone," I replied. So far, so good. Pretty standard stuff, and she's taking it well.

"I dunno - that doesn't seem like a real relationship to me. You guys aren't making an actual commitment or anything."


I pointed out that, ideally, one enters a relationship for many more reasons than just sex, and that Master and I will always hold the relationship between us as our first priority. (Even then, some poly people don't prioritize their relationships, which is still a valid form of doing things, but I thought pointing out this aspect might appeal to her monogamous values.) She didn't buy it.

It's possible that part of the problem was that I wasn't accurately describing the nature of mine and Master's relationship and she wasn't getting the right impression; I was working on homework at the time and didn't have the time to hash out the nitty gritty details of my sex life. I also didn't mention the kinky part of our relationship; on the one hand, it's probably a good thing I didn't, considering her moderate-conservative streak, and on the other hand it does make the poly thing easier to understand, I think. We may play with other people, but he is my only Master; I am his only pet. That's what makes our relationship significant (among other things).

I was tempted to point out that she has little to no authority to criticize the validity of mine (my?) and Master's relationship, since she has since "gone straight." This may just be me, but saying she no longer dates girls feels like she's invalidating our two-year relationship in high school. But that would have been petty, and probably would have just pissed her off.

*sigh* Oh well. Can't win 'em all, I guess.

Sunday, October 5, 2008


There's only one other D/s relationship that Master and I know of personally - a gay couple in town. Master says that O is "intrinsically submissive" to E. I haven't watched those two in action very much, so I don't really know what he's talking about. Still, maybe I should talk to O and see what being submissive entails for him.

It goes back to what I posted about before - sometimes I feel more submissive than other times. Indeed, sometimes I feel decidedly un-submissive. The problem with this is that it makes Master feel like he's not doing his "job" right - like he doesn't really matter, because I'll just be submissive when I feel like it.

Which is not good. Obviously.

I think this is more of a "me having a bad personal flaw" thing instead of a "me not being cut out to be a submissive" thing. When I was in a non-D/s relationship in high school, one of my girlfriend's only (but persistent) complaints was that I wasn't putting as much energy into the relationship as she was. The same thing is happening here, I think. I'm not putting as much energy into being a sub as Master is into being a Dom.

Because let's face it - being a sub isn't just about lying back and taking a spanking. It's hard work. It requires constant mental discipline. Which is probably the one thing I lack most.

So. I need to do better from now own. I need to be more diligent; I can't allow myself to get lazy.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

I feel so conflicted

So. That's Jessica Alba, there, all naked and duct-taped and such. This image, along with several others like it, are causing a bit of a stir in the feminist blogosphere, understandably so.

Now, I'm going to be straight up with you for a moment: my first reaction when I saw these was, "Wow, that's hot." Even though I'm not into piercing play, and "torture porn" a la Saw and the like make me retch, these images were really fucking sexy in a dark, gritty way.

But then I looked at them all, and noticed that, surprise surprise, all the women were nude while all the men were fully clothed (save one, interestingly enough). Sigh. Because, really, this image of Alba, in itself, is not necessarily sexist. However, in the context of all the other photographs in the ad campaign, in which the women are consistently sexualized/exposed more so than the men, it becomes sexist.

Which is disappointing. This could have been a really powerful, stylish, sexy-as-hell ad campaign, and they fucked it up by falling back on sexist advertising standbys.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Geeky moment

Master and I have determined that he has an Aura of Dominance. I'm not sure what its Area of Effect is, but it doesn't travel through computers well. :x

In other news, it's really funny when we find out we've been crushing on the same person for some time.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Catch up

Okay. Finally time to post.

As I was saying, my birthday was last weekend. Everyone had a blast, it was awesome, etc etc. Eventually it started winding down, and people wandered out. Eventually, Master led me into the bedroom and told me to close my eyes. I had noticed Lupa had gone into the bathroom as we walked by, so I said as I closed my eyes, "But [Lupa]'s still here."

"I don't think she'll mind," Master said. "Now wait here."

At that point I should have figured something was up, but I didn't. Instead, I waited patiently on the edge of the bed. Eventually, I felt Master's hands caress my skin... and then another, definitely female, pair of hands. It wasn't until I kissed Lupa that I knew it was her (I think I actually said, "So that's who this is!"). When I opened my eyes, we both started giggling. "You sneaky monkey!" I said. She just grinned mischievously.

First, we all took a shower together and got all soapy and sudsy. Both before and after the shower, Master left the room for a bit to give Lupa and me a chance to play a bit by ourselves. Then we toweled off and went to the bedroom, where Master explained that we would play a bit of a game, called "Who's on top?" He would roll a ten-sided die, and whatever number it was on would determine who would be on bottom for the night. 1-4 meant I would be on bottom, 5-9 meant Lupa would be on bottom, and a 10 meant Master would be on bottom. It came up a 3.

Lupa had brought over her fancy (and comfortable!) thick leather cuffs, which they put on me, then they tied me down on my hands and knees on the bed and started hitting my ass with all sorts of fun objects. Every once in a while, Master would ask, "Who's on top?" and I'd have to guess. For the most part it was actually really easy, since Lupa hasn't played as much and so she was much more catious (read: not as hard) with her hits. Eventually, Master had me go down on Lupa, and after a few more good whacks on my bottom, he untied me and we all had a lovely good time.

At one point I actually had a bit of sensory overload and was reduced to a babbling, quivering puddle on the corner of the bed. After a few minutes, though, I was good again.

The morning after, we had breakfast together and were all cuddly and happy. Master told me he had asked Lupa if she were interested, a while back, and she was incredibly enthusiastic about it. I'm so glad, but I'm not surprised, really. Lupa has a cheerfulness, a playfulness about her when it comes to sex; whenever she and I play together, we spend just as much time joking and laughing and giggling as doing anything hot'n'heavy. I love it. She's such an awesome person.

Master admitted he gambled when he decided to do it as a surprise instead of okaying it with me beforehand, as proper poly procedure dictates, but his gamble paid off well. He knew Lupa and I liked each other and liked playing with each other, so yay. Fun times!

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Short post

Just turned 21. Master threw a surprise party for me; it was probably the best party I've ever had.

No, I take that back - the super-surprise playparty with Master and Lupa was the best party ever.

Will write more about it later, when I'm not busy trying to figure out the Shannon-Wiener Diversity Index of insect samples.

Saturday, September 6, 2008


I'm back at school, and so is Master. Been here for about a week. I couldn't be happier.

When I arrived back at school, Master wasn't on campus because he was on a backpacking trip. Fine enough; I had plenty of catching up to do with all my other friends, and we ran about and generally had a great time. Then, the night before Master came back, I had sex with Lupa. We had been cuddly and giggly and gossipy with each other all day, then as night wore on I offered her the chance to sleep over, which she agreed to. Then I... I dunno. I was really glad to see her again, having been apart all summer, and I was also really horny, lol. I thought about trying out my brand-spankin-new strapon with her, but decided against it. I didn't want to push her too far all at once, so I just went down on her (very standard sexy-time, lol). I kinda wanted her to "reciprocate," but I got the feeling she wasn't sure enough of herself to try, so I didn't ask and we went to sleep, lol.

Before we started, I assured her she wouldn't get me in trouble, and I was right; I told Master about it soon after he came back, and he didn't have an issue with it. In fact, he even talked to Lupa later on and reassured her himself that it was okay. What a sweetheart. ^_^

I'm still trying to figure out what exactly my feelings for Lupa are. She's an amazing friend, a former/current? playmate... but I don't think I have a crush on her. I just feel... really, really, incredibly comfortable and at ease around her. Though I don't get butterflies in my stomach or anything when we're together, it feels perfectly natural for us to hug, touch, and kiss each other as an expression of our affection for each other. I was never very physical with my friends in high school, even platonically, so this is pretty new for me.

Whatever it is, I like it.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Not all at once, part II

It's quite possible that Spot won't play with Master and me anymore this year. And I'm completely okay with that.

I've talked with both Master and Spot about the issue, though we haven't had a three-way conversation yet (that'll have to wait until we're all on campus together). Master is reluctant to because he and Spot are in Residential Life (though that didn't stop him last year, when both he and I were), but also because he doesn't want the relationship to progress further from "friends with benefits." Spot is reluctant because she knows she doesn't make a very good "secondary," which is inevitably what she would become if she and I developed our relationship further, and she doesn't want to be part of a V - it'd be a full-up triad or nothing, which means that she and I can't continue without Master, even though he's said he'd be okay with that.

Again, we still haven't spoken all together in person, but I have a feeling we're going to call things off. I'm a little sad, since I do like playing with Spot and I'd love to continue, but I understand it's probably not the best idea. I'm not afraid of us having a terrible falling-out; when I stopped playing with Jack and Lupa last year, there was no drama or anything, and we're just as close friends as we ever were. It's amazing what can happen when everyone acts like reasonable adults.

And acutally, speaking of Lupa, she's asked if she can pretend to be in a poly relationship with me and Master in order to fend off the advances of someone she doesn't particularly care for. Master and I think that's an awesome idea and are all for it; a part of me almost hopes it can eventually become real and not a facade. I still do care for her, and it'd be nice to play with her again now that she's more confident sexually.

Man, I really am spoiled. I'm used to being able to play with a woman and a man - what happens if I'm no longer able to?

Friday, August 29, 2008

Not all at once, now.

Several things have happened in the last few days. I'll try to give them all justice, but it may take more than one post.

Firstly, I had to use my safeword over the weekend. It was bizarre - Master wasn't even in the same room. He's not even in the same state! But he went past a limit; he told me I should play with someone I'm not interested in.

That's just... no. No, no, no. It's one thing to suggest, one thing to fantasize, but I am not one for playing with someone whom I don't care for deeply. The person he wanted me to play with was a woman I don't even hang out with. When I said I wasn't interested in her, he said, "If I want you to do anything, you will do it. And you will thank me. Is that understood?"

I felt cornered. I felt trapped. My hands were shaking. So I used the safeword, and immediately Master asked me if I was okay. No. No I was not okay. I did not want to play with that woman, and he was scaring me. Master calmed me down; he wasn't going to make me do anything. We talked about it, and in a minute or so I felt better.

I'm not sure when exactly we slipped back into our D/s dynamic after I used the safeword. I'm not even sure if we ever stepped out of our dynamic. I suppose that's just one of the weird things about being in a 24/7 relationship - you don't ever "break character." You just scale the intensity up and down as the situation warrants. And this adapting, this shifting from more-D/s to less-D/s, has begun to happen so naturally and so subtlely that I hardly even notice it taking place anymore. It's just... part of who I am, and part of who we are as a couple.

Honestly, I think it was a good thing that I used the safeword (besides for the obvious reason that it stopped a situation I was uncomfortable with). It really highlighted for me - and perhaps for Master too, though I can't presume to know what his thoughts are - that this is 24/7 for us. There is never a time when Master is not my Master (unless there's explicit rules laid out beforehand), and there's never a time where I can't use the safeword to stop whatever's going on.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Dramatis Personae

The people who will probably be mentioned often in my blog:

Zula - That's me! Recent graduate, writer (for realz! I get paid and everything!), sub, feminist, poly, and so on. Master usually just calls me "kitten."

Master - My boyfriend, my lover, my friend... my Master. We've been together for about five years. He lives in the state next door, so visits are a bit difficult but not impossible. This is his first kinky relationship, same as me.

Lupa, formerly known as S - A close friend and former college roomie. She and I are infrequent partners, though apparently we act more like an old married couple than Master and me! She's a super-switch, but the poor dear currently lives somewhere with a nonexistent kink scene.

Ume, formerly known as R - Another friend from college. He's a former playmate; since Master and I have officially started our D/s relationship, Ume and I haven't exchanged more than a kiss or two at parties.

There are so many supporting characters who flit in and out of random scenes that it's probably a waste of time to list them all here! I'll do my best to keep things coherent, regardless.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Watch out - here comes a political post!

I was going to post this on my personal journal, decided I didn't want to risk antagonizing my friends, some of whom might take exception to my views on abortion, and posted it here. It was inspired by this disturbing news article (pointed out by Trin) about women who choose to abort because the fetus had minor defects that are easily fixable with surgery.

To be honest, before I started reading the journals of Trin, Bint, Miss Nomered, and others who focus on disability activism, I had never seriously thought about ableism before - and especially not about how it affects the whole pro-life vs. pro-choice debate. Fortunately for me, I'm starting to learn more about disability activism, and it's really changed the way I view society, including how I view abortion. So, after a bit of mulling, here's my long-winded stance on abortion as it stands at the moment:

I hope I will never need to get an abortion. I know for some women abortions are no big deal - not much different than taking emergency contraception, if a bit more medically involved - but I have a hard time seeing abortion as a "morally neutral medical procedure," as I've seen it put, because I think you're still killing something that, if it doesn't miscarry on its own, could become a whole person. It may be a product of my socialization, but doesn't make my apprehension less real.

However, that does not mean I think a woman's right to get an abortion should be infringed in any way, shape, or form. The rights of a woman trump the rights of a bundle of cells in her uterus, full-stop. End of story. Having a child can drastically change one's life forever, and only the woman herself can decide if she's ready for that. If she isn't, then she deserves unfettered access to the resources she needs to avoid having children, which means not only abortions but also safe, effective, and affordable contraception. Conversely, if she is ready, then she deserves quality health care to make sure she and her child are safe, regardless of her age, income level, or marital status. (Of course, implicit in this is that a woman also deserves a comprehensive, accurate education on sexual health so that she is able to make an informed choice.)

But what about a woman who was going to have a child, then found out the fetus had a developmental defect and decided to abort it? On the one hand, raising a child with a disability can require a tremendous dedication of time and resources that the parent(s) simply cannot afford. That's perfectly understandable, especially considering how fucked up the US's health care system is at the moment. On the other hand, when a woman decides to abort just because she doesn't want her kid to be a "freak" with six fingers or (heaven forbid!) "retarded," that's ableism. To call that morally questionable would be the understatement of the year.

What it is not, however, is a reason to restrict abortion access. There is no possible way for the government or any private organization to divine whether a woman's intentions for getting an abortion are "pure." It would end up going one of two ways: either officials would look the other way while women aborted "defective" fetuses anyway, or officials would "err on the side of caution" and wind up denying access to hundreds of women who genuinely needed abortions. It's entirely possible that both scenarios could happen simultaneously, with the first one applying to upper-class women and the second scenario affecting lower-class women. Regardless, it'd be shitty all around.

So what can be done? Far as I can tell, the best thing to do is try to change how society views people with disabilities and what it actually means to be disabled. Once women realize that having a child with a disability isn't the end of the world, they will probably be less likely to abort because of a developmental defect. It's basically the same thought process behind reducing abortions through comprehensive sex education and affordable sexual health care - if you give people the resources so that they don't need (or feel they need) abortions, then naturally they won't get them.

Of course, changing the deeply-ingrained opinions of all of society is really fucking hard. So it's going to take a lot of work, and it's not going to happen any time soon.

Actually, I'm thinking maybe I will post this on my other journal. A friend of mine who's been making uncomfortably ableist remarks reads it; maybe reading this will give her the gentle poke she needs.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

For all occasions

Nothing zonks me out like an intense play session. After a scene of spanking, knife play, and bondage (among other things, but those are a few of my favorites), I always sleep like a baby.

Conversely, nothing perks me up in the morning like an energetic bout of (mostly) vanilla sex. After that, I'm ready to go face the day!

The lesson is: sex and/or BDSM is appropriate for any time of day, and you should do it as often as possible, ideally multiple times a day.

Yes indeed.

Friday, August 15, 2008


LET ME SHOW YOU IT. (warning: there be fake p33n on the other end of that link.)

I went to the Smitten Kitten in Minneapolis with F the other day. It was super-awesome! The store was smaller than I expected, but it was very open and airy - and they had free water, which was nice because it was hot out. Though F wasn't looking for anything in particular, I was there on a mission: I wanted one of their little floggers and a nice, relatively cheap strap-on harness to use with M in the future.

I think I may have weirded F out a little bit, since she's vanilla, though she seems understanding of me getting all giddy over elkhide floggers. She does like light bondage - but that's all I liked at first, too, and now look at me. Really, it's only a matter of time... *plots*

Ahem. In any case, the Smitten Kitten was really neat. And it's actually really easy for me to get to - so maybe I'll be making trips there more often. I also saw on their website that they're hiring. Oooh, so tempting.

Random note: most amusing item they had there was the "Vanilla Bondage Set," which had packaging shaped like a carton of vanilla ice cream. And all the ribbons etc. inside smelled like vanilla, too. Very cute. ^_^

Uh... I wanted to say more, but I forgot. I'm sleepy. I'll talk more later.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Why I don't like talking about sex

You may not be able to tell from this blog, but in real life I am extremely private when it comes to my sex life. Late last year, I would semi-regularly play with two friends, R (a guy), and S (a girl) in addition to master. What I did with R and S I never really shared with Master in detail, though he was aware of my time with them; similarly, I didn't tell R and S much about what I did with Master. At the time, I thought I was just being polite; it isn't very nice to compare your sex partners, after all, and I didn't want to make anyone jealous. But mostly I think I was just shy.

For someone who is such a staunch advocate for healthy and exuberant expression of sexuality (I suppose you could call me "sex-positive," though like a lot of people who may fit the label I have some quibbles with the term), it's really weird that I'm so reluctant to share my own sexuality with others. I'm sure a good portion of the cause is our dysfunctionally prurient society, which teaches everyone that whatever you do behind closed doors, make sure it stays behind closed doors. (Unless, of course, it's something freaky, at which point it's dragged out for the general public to gawk at.)

But blaming society is too much of a cop-out. There's gotta be more to it than that.

In high school, I was decidedly part of the "relationships? Pff - who needs 'em!" crowd. Even though I had a girlfriend for two-thirds of my high school experience, we were low-key about it, partially out of necessity (being the only lesbian couple in a school that had no gay community to speak of) and partially because we were both pretty laid back. Not only that, but my friends and I were band geeks, science nerds, orchestra dorks - the kind of students who tended to not have boyfriends or girlfriends. At lunch, the gussied-up preppie girls two tables over would gab on and on and on and on about their boyfriends, and my friends and I would mercilessly mock them behind their backs. The message was clear: don't talk about your boyfriend/girlfriend because no one likes a braggart.

And even though I had a great girlfriend, we both identified more with my sullenly single compatriots. We were the outcasts, the unloved, the cynical realists. We scoffed at the bubbly depictions of high school romance in the movies and our peers' airheaded attempts to replicate it, which ultimately ended in drama-filled breakups. We were simultaneously above the rest of the student body, since we saw through all the pettiness, and jealous of their dates and their parties and their steamy encounters.

So then I entered college. I still considered myself one of those ragtag (virgin) misfits that no one really pays attention to except fellow misfits. That was fine; I liked it that way - misfits are more interesting. It's fun to laugh at the mundies and all that.

Then I met Master. He was simultaneously everything I loved about my friends and everything I hated about the "popular kids": a gamer with a goofy sense of humor, smart, incredibly handsome, and popular! My lord, it seemed everyone on campus loved him! Well, according to the paradigm I'd brought along from high school, his popularity automatically precluded me from any chance of dating him. I was a geeky, naive freshman, and he was a suave, well-liked upperclassman; there was no chance in hell he'd notice little ol' me.

But he did. And, to my shock, he actually took an interest in me! It was so much more than anything a little dweeb like me could hope for! Now I had another reason to be quiet: I felt like I was committing a horrible transgression - I was reaching beyond my rightful "place," as it were, and I didn't want anyone to lash out at me in retribution.

When I finally got over my inferiority complex, a new reason for me to stay my tongue emerged: we were both going to be on the Residential Life staff next year, and it would be... less than professional for two staff members to be openly seeing each other. Not only that, but throughout this time Master was still in a long-distance relationship with a girl in Chicago. Though they had agreed it would be okay to sleep with other people, it would still look sketchy to people who didn't know of their agreement. So I kept my head down.

I did allow myself to tell two people, though - two high school friends who didn't have any connection with my college, so there was no way the information could leak back to campus. The first person I told called me a whore and a sex addict when he found out I was having sex (gasp!) three times a week. I can only imagine what he'd think of me now. Needless to say, I didn't remain friends with him much longer. The second person I told, F, I had a significantly more complicated history with. F was my best friend in high school, the very first woman that I developed a full-on crush for, and the catalyst for my self-discovery as a bisexual (she says, and all the bisexual women and lesbians nod with sympathetic understanding). As you can guess, it did not end terribly well. She was attracted to me, but maybe not, but... We made out a few times, I made my first fumbling, awkward attempt at lesbian sex, and then we went our separate ways, never to speak of it again.

I assumed that F wanted to put her ill-fated brush with bisexuality behind her. So I was shocked when, after telling her I had lost my virginity, she was incredibly hurt and jealous. The reason why dawning on me, I asked, "Are you jealous of me or of him [Master]?" A pit of dread settled nicely in my stomach as she affirmed that it was him he was jealous of because he was intimate with me.

Great. I had done a fine job of alienating the one person I was actually comfortable talking about my sex life with (besides the person I was actually having sex with, of course). Lesson learned - best not say anything to anyone.

It's possible that these are just convenient excuses that I latched on to in order to cover my shyness, but I think there's some legitimacy behind them.

So what do I do to overcome my aversion? Well, I post here, of course. I can start posting at my non-anonymous journal too - little bits, at least at first. Master wants me to talk to F about it, but so far my efforts have been for naught, mostly because I have no idea how to go about it and end up being incredibly bumbling and awkward. I'll have to try again soon.

Friday, August 8, 2008

Oh noes, teh books

I can't find my "Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns" book. :( I think I lent it to Master; I hope he still has it. It's nigh-on-impossible to get a copy of the damn thing.

However, I did just order a copy of "Opening Up" on Somebody posted a quote of it on Livejournal and their take on it (Yeah, I have a Livejournal. No, I'm not telling what my username is. (Hint: it has nothing to do with this blog)), and my mind exploded a little bit, but in the good way. So I figured I should try reading the rest of the book and see if it helps me at all.

Monday, August 4, 2008

"Relationship Broken, Add More People," or, "What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger"

Master and I have agreed that we can play around with people (short of actual sexual intercourse) while we're apart, as long as we clear it with each other beforehand. Master mentioned one woman in particular - a former girlfriend of his - that he was considering playing with, and I told him that was fine. A day or two later, Master told me of a party he went to that this woman hosted, where he said he got a bit sloshed and ended up messing around with her. When I asked him for more details on the extent of his escapade, he reassured me, "Nothing you wouldn't approve of." I assumed (my first mistake) that he meant some fondling and making out. Okay, no problem.

Later that night, I learned that Master and the woman did significantly more than fondle and make out. They didn't break our rule of no sex, but they came closer than I realized I was comfortable with.

Well, shit.

I'm sure that Master got exasperated with me during the ensuing long telephone conversation. Why was I upset now? I hadn't been upset before - what had changed? I'm not sure. A lot of it was good, old-fashioned jealousy: this woman was doing things with Master that I'd give my right hand to do right now (well, I hyperbolize, but you get the idea), and Master was having fun partying while I was stuck being bored and employed full-time. But then, I've dealt with enviousness stemming from not having fun while Master is before, over things as banal as him going to a movie while I'm stuck at work for the evening.

Another reason, I think, that I was having problems was because I've never met this woman at all, and Master has only mentioned her once or twice in passing. When Master does things with M, I don't have as much jealousy because I've been around the two of them and I can see, quite plainly, how much Master cares about her. I care about her, too. Though Master tells me that the other woman was important to him, on the other hand, it's hard for me to conceptualize when I've been given very little indication of it. So when Master engages in activities with her that I view as very special and indicative of our closeness, and I can't see that he is also close to her, it feels to me like he's cheapening what we have.

I know, I know - it's all very convoluted and not very rational. Unfortunately, that knowledge didn't make it any easier to shake the profound feeling of uneasiness that I had.

Well, Master and I talked. And talked and talked. We went in a lot of circles; I seemed to be stuck in a rut of moroseness. Despite all my openness and willingness over polyamoury, I couldn't seem to get over this one little thing. Finally, I said, "I guess I still have a long way to go, huh?"

"You have come a long way. Remember last year? You spent the night crying because I danced with C instead of you, and you and I weren't even together yet!"

That flash of perspective suddenly made me feel a lot better. He was right! Why was I so insecure then? Because I didn't know if Master really wanted to be with me. Now I'm sure of it - it's one of the few things in life I'm absolutely, completely positive of. So why should I get so hung up over one drunken incident that I'd even agreed to beforehand? It wasn't a complete, magical turn-around, but it helped a lot to realize that I'm a much stronger, more confident person and more more secure in my relationship - and it's partially because, I think, of my efforts to be polyamorous.

I'm certain that I'm not inherently monogamous. I'm also certain that I'm not inherently polyamorous. What's "natural" for me - and for most other people, I'm sure - is to sleep around as much as I want while keeping my partner(s) exclusive to me, which is the most evolutionarily advantageous technique. For obvious reasons, however, this is simply not possible in reality. So I have a choice: I can either suppress my wanderlust and become monogamous, or suppress my possessiveness and become polyamorous. Most people take the former route, probably because it's generally easier.

Because let's face it - being poly is fucking hard. Not only does it fly in the face of our selfish, insecure nature, but it requires a level of dedication to your relationship(s) that many people can find exhausting. You must communicate with your partner more openly and more clearly, especially concerning those ever-muddled emotions. You must subject yourself to rigorous self-examination to determine what your boundaries really are and what you're willing to do to make your relationship(s) work. And, of course, whenever there are more people there are more possibilities for misunderstandings and hurt feelings and just plain wankery.

For a lot of people, the rewards aren't worth the effort. They're content with one person in their life, and are willing to sacrifice the occasional romp in the hay to keep that one special person close. This is a perfectly legitimate way to live. However, I don't think it it fits me for a couple of reasons. For one, I'm pansexual, and I like feminine aspects just as much as masculine aspects. I want to keep in touch with that part of my sexual identity, which is most easily accomplished by playing with women as well as men. For two, Master and I are in a long-distance relationship part of the year, and we're both very physical (ok, sexual) people. If we can't get that physical aspect from each other for three months at a time, it only makes sense to look elsewhere for relief.

So I self-examine. I pick apart at my nebulous masses of feelings and dredge the depths of my vocabulary to put words to what emotions I find. I confront parts of myself that are unpleasant in an attempt to conquer and subdue them. And I share parts of myself with Master that I haven't shared with anyone before, often not even myself.

It can be painful at times, but I think that this rigorous self-discipline has actually helped me - not only in my relationship with Master, but in general. Yeah, it's pretty kitschy to say so, but I think polyamoury has made me into a better person. Of course, I still have a long way to go (the road of self-improvement is neverending), but looking back at where I was from where I am now does give me hope.

Friday, August 1, 2008

In lighter news

Ack, I'm tired. Despite three pillows, a sheepskin rug, and a throw blanket, the floor is not condusive to a sound night's sleep. -_-

Regardless, lookee what I gots here!

Whee! I feel special. :3 Thanks a bunch, Trin!
Now, seven other blogs who should get one... *peruses blogroll*
You know what? I nominate all those people over there. There's a reason I put 'em over there - they're good! All of them! Go read them now!
(Psst: if anyone can point me towards some good blogs of fellow petplayers, or even... *gulp* furries (I still have a bit of hesitation calling myself that), I'd be much obliged.)

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Know thyself, know thy place

I've been a bad kitten - a bad sub - and now I'm being punished for it. Master and I got into a few arguments (about really stupid things, and I don't know why I got so impassioned about them), and he said that it wasn't that I argued that bothered him - "If I wanted to be with someone who never stated their opinion, there are plenty of vapid twats out there," he said - but that I argued so belligerently and got so defensive.

It made him question whether I really wanted to be his pet.

If I could, I'd shout, "Yes, yes, a thousand times - yes!" so loudly that he'd be able to hear me two states over. My relationship with Master has been deeper, richer, and more fulfilling than any other I've had in my life, and I have no doubt that this is greatly due to the amount of trust, openness, discipline, and intimacy that D/s has brought into our relationship.

But sometimes it's hard. I am not a submissive person; I am submissive to Master and Master alone because there is something about him that brings out that aspect of me - that holds me, entranced, at his feet. When we're hundreds of miles apart, though, and all I can communicate with is words on a screen or a disembodied voice on a phone... it's more difficult for me to stay in the mindset of his pet.

I guess you could say that I was starting to go feral.

This doesn't excuse me, of course. After mulling it over yesterday, I decided that I needed to punish myself - to make up for the lack of discipline. So I slept on the floor, or tried to. After a few hours my hips hurt too badly for me to sleep, so I moved back up to the bed. I wish I could say it's the thought that counts, but that feels like a cop-out.

When I finally spoke to Master tonight, he said, "The only time you really think about your transgression is when I withdraw from you." He's right - I was frantically trying to contact him today, even bursting into tears because I knew we needed to talk and the longer we went without the worse it seemed to get. I think it has something to do with how our relationship came to be. Last summer, we weren't officially "together." We loved each other - we were incredibly in love, just like we are now - but we weren't supposed to be, for myriad reasons. So Master tried to suppress our budding relationship; I, my reason addled by emotions, clawed desperately to keep it up. I managed to restrain my phone calls to one per week, but if I wasn't able to talk to Master for over seven days I would grow increasingly frantic, fearing that perhaps he'd finally grown tired of me.

I think that is why I was nearly panicking when I couldn't get ahold of Master for an entire day. It was just like the bad old days, when he tried to avoid me because he wanted to deny how we felt for each other. It's one thing when we can't speak for an extended period of time due to extenuating circumstances: one of us is on vacation, work keeps us busy, whatever. It's another entirely when there's no reason for Master not to pick up and I have the terrible suspicion that he can hear the phone and just chooses not to answer - chooses to ignore me. I guess you could say it's a form of seperation anxiety or something.

But Master doesn't want to simply cut me off, however temporarily, whenever I need to be punished. It's as hard on him as it is on me. I told him how I slept on the floor last night, and he said I'm going to do it again tonight - only this time I'm not to move to the bed, no matter what. I'll just lie on my stomach; that should be most comfortable.

"And tomorrow," he said after telling me to sleep on the floor, "for breakfast, you're going to get your dish and fill it with water. And that's all you'll have until five o'clock."

My eyes teared up when I heard that. "No lunch?"


"Can I have my tea in the morning?" I always bring a mug of tea to work with me; the caffeine keeps me from falling asleep at my desk.



Then Master asked me if I would rather go without food until 5 pm tomorrow or go without speaking to him until 5 pm. I paused, since I wasn't sure whether this was a trick question or not. "Well, I'd rather go without speaking to you until five, but that's because I normally don't get home until around five anyway - so that's not really a punishment."

"That's good. I wanted to make sure your lunch was more important than speaking to me."

"Yeah, my lunch is more important to me."

"Okay. I'm going to hang up the phone now. I'll talk to you at five."

Though I'm glad I get to eat food tomorrow, part of me feels like I should fast anyway. Whenever Master does this - threatens to implement a particularly draconian punishment in order to scare me, then ultimately settles for something milder - I feel... almost cheated. Well no, not cheated, but like I'm cheating. What have I done to deserve him going easy on me? Far be it from me to feel ungrateful; to the contrary, I feel undeserving of such generosity.

Well, I'm still sleeping on the floor. I suppose that's punishment enough.

I just wish we were back at school together. I feel like all of this would have been avoided if I were just able to sit beside his chair with my head in his lap.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Almost Out, or, All In The Family

I went for a walk with my mother and the dog when two young guys on a tandem bike rode by. "Evening, ladies," one of them said jauntily. "I like your collar."

"He likes your collar," my mom said with a laugh. "Your collar!"

Her teasing was nothing new to me; I'd worn them on occasion even before I got into kink, and so by now I'd just learned to roll with it. "You done yet?" I asked.

"Why do you wear a collar? Is it an S&M thing?"

"Because I want to," I said without missing a beat.

I want to say that I'm just that smooth, that I can think on my feet when faced with an awkward situation. The truth is, I'd been mentally rehearsing for exactly this kind of scenario for some time. I've decided that my stock response to the question of why I wear my collar is, "Because I want to." It isn't lying - I certainly want to wear it, and love wearing it - but it's vague enough that I don't need to divulge more about my sex life than I'm comfortable with. Really, Mom's the only one who's asked me (though a handful of others have made cracks about it).

I feel somewhat hypocritical because I'm out to my parents about being queer. I had a girlfriend in high school; my parents were all aflutter over both of us when we went to prom, so I know they don't have problem with that. I think that part of it has to do simply with not being comfortable sharing details of my sex life with my parents. They undoubtedly know that I have sex with Master, and I've discussed birth control with them, but it was only in abstractions. I'm not one of those women who gossips with her mother about how great her lover is in bed.

An argument against that is that BDSM is more than just sex for me. Master and I live it 24/7; the collar is just one part of it. To say that coming out as queer to my parents was sharing my sex life is only telling half the picture; my pansexuality colors my entire worldview. Can the same be said of kink?

On a slightly related note, I suspect my brother is also into kink. I also suspect he suspects I'm into kink. And I suspect he suspects I suspect he's into kink. It's all very strange.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Growing pains

The other day Master and I had a conversation about feminism. He feels that the feminist movement has evolved so much since its inception (and it has; just compare second wave and third wave philosophies!) that the word "feminism" can no longer even be accurately applied to it. I disagree, considering that a sizable chunk of words in the English language have meaning that are far evolved from their origin, and also because "feminism" has almost become a slur - I want to change that.

Master certainly respects my decision to label myself a feminist, since he agrees with its ideals, but he wanted to make sure I'm solid in my reasoning for adopting the label and not just the philosophy. The way he made sure was by testing my reasoning - by poking and prodding and shaking the foundations of my philosophy to make sure they were solid. He pointed out the faults in my arguments, asked questions that I didn't know how to articulate answers to, and when I tried to retreat defensively he dragged me back out.

I understand that he was doing this to help me - after all, if I can't defend my choices against someone I love, then how could I against someone who's outright hostile? But it left me feeling emotionally drained afterward. I really could have used some aftercare, but, alas, he was several hundred miles away - another reason why long-distance relationships suck hardcore.

So. Why do I choose to identify as a feminist?

For the same reason I choose to identify as kinky, polyamorous, liberal, queer, and all the other labels I've decided to pin to myself. These labels resonate with me deeply because behind those labels are a set of philosophies and entire communities that make me feel more at ease. They give me something to ground myself with, something to identify with. Being and individual is cool and all, but it's scary being all by your lonesome. That's why almost everyone has at least one group they choose to associate with. And even though there are people whose interpretations of kink/polyamory/liberalism/queer activism/feminism I'll disagree with (an inevitability, really), there are still hundreds of awesome human beings that I've met or heard of who helped me understand who I am as a person and where I fit in this world. I want to associate with them, I want to help others find their place in the same way that these people helped me.

And, yeah, I do kinda want to save the world.

That's why I call myself a feminist.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Let's put a smile on that face!

To all the radical feminists who bemoan how scary it is to be a "real" feminist, who repeat over and over (and over and over) how hard and alienating and depressing it is, who are convinced if you aren't a pariah you're not trying hard enough, who complain about the "fun feminists" who dare to crack a smile and enjoy themselves once in a while...

Why so serious?

Tuesday, July 22, 2008


I just got back from my second trip to see Master! And my goodness, we had sex a lot. Much more so than my previous visit, if I remember things correctly. Not that I'm complaining - far from it; I was the one who initiated a good portion of sexings.

On several occasions I was struck by how damn horny I was. Usually, I'm good with one go-round, but this time I wasn't satisfied until we had sex two, maybe even three times in a row. Which is really bizarre, because even though I'm multi-orgasmic, usually by the end of sex I'm a quivering, incoherent mess. But during the trip I'd have a half-dozen brain-shattering orgasms in one session and I'd just want more! It was great fun, but it made me wonder.

At first I thought it had to do with the fact that I hadn't seen Master in a while. But the time between my first trip and this last one was much shorter than the end of the school year and my first trip, even though I was hornier this time 'round. So that wasn't it. It's possible that it was hormones, since I think my period started while I was there. (But I'm not sure, since my Mirena makes my periods - when I do have them - super light, and it's possible the teensy bit of blood was the side effect of lots of rough sex in a short period of time, lol.)

I think one of the biggest differences was the time of day we had sex this time around. My first trip, we usually had it at night - often past midnight, when I'm already tired from a long day of wandering around the city. This time, however, we almost always had sex after we woke up between ten AM and noon. Not only was I refreshed and rarin' to go by that point, but I've also noticed that I tend to be hornier around noon. Which kinda sucks when I'm at work all day, but is awesome when I have nothing to do but lounge about with Master. >:3

I'm not sure what it is that makes me hornier during the day. Is it the "taboo" aspect - sex is supposed to be a nighttime activity, after all - something to do with my sleep cycle, or some independent factor? My guess is the third, since we have more-or-less independent cycles for our other urges, like sleep and hunger and such. Why can't sex have its own cycle?

Other changes between my first trip and my second? Well, I went on a free-range diet, which means I'm essentially vegetarian now, and I started doing yoga almost daily. (Gawd, I'm such a hippy.) Maybe they had something to do with it, but I don't think so.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

If you're into it

I'm fairly certain most people agree that what causes the plethora of sexual attractions, fetishes, what have you is a mystery. For example, when Master and I are doing it doggy-style, it drives me crazy whenever he grabs my ankle. I don't know why this is such a major turn-on for me, but nevertheless it is. M, on the other hand, can be reduced to an incoherent puddle by applying pressure to her collar bone - not even biting it, just pressing on it with your finger. I'll bet that everyone has their own little sexual quirks like these, and that no one can really explain why. Most people are pretty understanding of this, too; when confronted with a desire that they can't understand, many people will just shrug and say, "Hey, if that's what you're into."

The biologist in me wants to say it has something to do with genetics, since I've never had any environmental exposure to ankle-grabbing that would lead me to view it in such a positive manner. But far be it from me to be a genetic essentialist who views every aspect of personality as something that can be boiled down to a few lines of DNA. (TATTC causes an ankle-squeezing fetish, while TAATC would cause a propensity for water sports? Probably not.)

After all, sexual desires are far from immutable. Incredibly enough, when I first started dating Master I wasn't turned on by spanking in the slightest. He tried it once or twice during sex, and when he asked me whether I liked it, I believe my exact response was to shrug and say, "Meh." But for some reason I grew to like it. It wasn't because Master pressured me; he stopped it after I told him it wasn't a turn-on, and only once we started using other aspects of BDSM, like bondage, did he reintroduce it. By that point, I had suddenly become a spaking whore. Even when it doesn't turn me on physically (get me wet, that is), I just love the physical sensation of a good spanking or paddling.

Everyone involved in BDSM - and increasingly more people who aren't - know what limits are. When Master and I began our first forays into kink, I found a "limit checklist" designed for people negotiating a scene. It was, in essence, a list of various kinky activities, which one could either mark as "major turn-on," "curious about," "not too interested but willing to try," and "hard limit; never ever ever." I filled it out for myself and showed it to Master, and that was our starting point. As I've pulled up the list since then and revised it, I've noticed an evolution - a softening, if you will - of what I'm willing to do. I still have some rock-hard limits (bestiality, scat play, watersports, anything involving breaking the skin, incest) that are so ingrained into my psyche by biology and society that I doubt I could ever be swayed. But there are others (anal play, sensory deprevation, and a whole host of others) that are now piquing my interest when they haven't before. For some of them it is because Master has introduced them to me and I liked them; for others, something about myself has changed, and even though I've never tried them before I suddenly think they sound interesting and fun.

It's for this reason that I'm skeptical of people who say they were "born" kinky/poly/some other sexual descriptor. I mean, certainly genetics plays a part, but we are not static creatures. We change a hundred times over the course of a lifetime, and though the seeds of kinkiness may have been there since birth, it was a million other influences that shaped me into the exact incarnation I am today.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

What to do

Master, at my request, is looking into the possibility of us going to a play party and/or BDSM club when I'm in town again next week. I'm excited, but also incredibly nervous. I have no idea what to expect or how to behave. I mean, I know basic etiquette - don't pick up someone else's toys without asking them, don't get in the way of a scene, yadda yadda - common sense stuff. But I'm still terrified that I'll make some terrible social gaffe.

Really, I get this way whenever I'm entering a new social situation. My first cross-country races and ski meets gave me the same trepidation. It doesn't make it any easier. >.<

Sunday, July 6, 2008

The only thing we have to fear

I keep up with a women's health community online, and by far the most common question asked by people on the board is something along the lines of, "I'm on hormonal birth control and my period isn't due for another week yet and I haven't ever actually had sex but my boobs are kind of sore and yesterday I was nauseous which may be because I had the stomach flu but I hear it's a symptom of pregnancy. AM I PREGNANT?!?!?!"

The fear and paranoia that so many young women have regarding pregnancy is baffling. If the number of questions of this sort are any indication, it seems a good portion of sexually active women - and some who aren't even sexually active - live in almost constant anxiety that the condom broke or they missed a pill or their IUD expelled and now they're preggo. Where does this irrational fear come from? Surely they've read up on the birth control that they're using and know the success/failure rates. After all, why the hell wouldn't you do research on something that can have such a large impact on your life? Just a few minutes of web searching would reveal that most birth control methods, particularly hormonal ones, have a success rate in the 90% range, even for "typical" use. Even the withdrawal method, which is so often ridiculed as an ineffective birth control method, can have a 96% success rate during "perfect use." (Granted, "typical use" has a 73% success rate, but that's still a hell of a lot better than nothing.)

Then again, maybe they don't know these things. Fear is born from ignorance, and it seems the conservative movement is premised entirely on keeping people ignorant. I read in my local paper not too long ago that a Minnesota study showed an increase in abortions among teens (though a decrease in all other demographic groups) in the past year or two, coupled with a decrease in the number of women using contraceptives. When one recalls the spate of investigations that revealed the inaccuracies and outright lies that abstinence-only education feeds to kids, and the current (but waning, fortunately) administration's stance on sex education, it only makes sense, sadly enough.

When I went to public school as a kid, parents were given a choice of which sex ed course to put their kids in either "abstinence-based," which said abstinence is preferred but didn't shy away from teaching about other forms of contraception and safer sex techniques, or "abstinence until marriage," which taught exactly what the name says - and nothing more. Fortunately for me, my parents are of the more progressive bent (most of the time), so they put me in abstinence-based.

Though I'm grateful for my parents' choice, the course still was woefully inadequate. Like most sex-ed courses, it was mostly about scaring kids away from sex. I got to see my share of explicit photographs showing advanced cases of syphillis, gonorrhea, and genital warts - but was never told that most STIs are treatable, even cureable. To their credit, the teachers were very good about dispelling myths on HIV/AIDS; never did I think that HIV could be spread via public toilet seats. In terms of contraception, however, basically all we learned about were condoms - male condoms, at that - probably because condoms also protect against STIs. Birth control pills were mentioned in passing, but that's about it. I didn't even know IUDs existed until I entered college, and I'd be willing to bet that the majority of college-aged women still haven't ever heard of them, despite IUDs being one of the most effective contraceptives available.

I partially blame my good-but-not-good-enough sex education on the one pregnancy panic I've had in my life, which occured a little over a year ago. This was before I'd started on any sort of birth control; the condom fell off at some point, probably after we'd finished and Master was pulling out, and though I didn't feel any semen get on/in my vulva I decided to get some Plan B from the school nurse just to be safe. Looking back on it later, I realized the chances of my getting pregnant were slim to nil - not only was it unlikely any sperm managed to get their way inside me, but my period had ended that day so it was basically impossible for there to be a viable egg for them to find. On top of that, I took the Plan B just as directed, reducing the possibiliy of pregnancy even further.

Even so, for the entire two weeks between taking the Plan B and seeing the nurse for follow-up, I was constantly wondering what if? what if? Keeping the baby was out of the question, but the nearest abortion clinic was all the way in the Twin Cities, to my knowledge. How would I get down there? There was no way I could tell my parents about it, but keeping a secret like that from them would tear me up inside. And then, of course, there was the small part of me that said I wouldn't have to get an abortion, that maybe having a baby would be okay. That part scared me the most.

Though the pregnancy test I took at my follow-up was negative, I couldn't truly relax until my period arrived, right on schedule, a week later. (Contrast that to now: I haven't had my period in... oh... two months? Three? (Cessation of menstruation is a side effect of the Mirena.) But I'm not worried in the least.)

And while I partially blame my own ignorance on my anxiety - I didn't know at the time how incredibly unlikely it was that I was pregnant - I know all too well that reason goes flying out the window when one is worried about something. Take for example all the parents who stay up late imagining all the horrible scenarios that could happen to their kids when they're just playing video games at a friend's house and lost track of the time. So while education does a lot to reduce fear of pregnancy, it can only do so much.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008


I just got back from my visit to see Master. It was so amazingly awesome! We went all around the city - and, of course, made up for all the lost time spent apart. ;)

We went to the gay district, where we visited a sex shop that I really like. It's run by a bunch of really cool women, and it totally flaunts the seedy, dark, dingy stereotype. It's more like a trendy boutique than anything. In any case, we got a nice riding crop. It's a bit on the short side, with a nice wide flap-thingie (whatever it's called) at the end. Master used it on me a couple times while we were in the basement at his house, but he couldn't hit very hard (*sad*) because his parents were sleeping upstairs, lol. I admit I was a little disappointed, since the light whipping he gave me didn't really satisfy my craving for a good, hard scene. But it couldn't be helped, and it certainly was enjoyable in its own right. Two minutes in heaven is better than one minute in heaven and all that.

What was really funny, though, was that we were walking all around the city after we bought the crop, which didn't fit in Master's messenger bag. So we had to walk around the city with a riding crop (albeit in a black plastic bag) sticking out and poking the random passerby.

We also met with M, who's having a lot of fun prodomming. However, she did have a bit of an accident during an erotic photo shoot and had to go to the emergency room with a rather embarrassing wound. The poor baby. :( When her prodom friends heard about it, they gave her a gift basket full of floggers and paddles and other toys. I hope she brings them up to school with her - or I get to see them next time I go down to see Master and her!

I have something of an infatuation with floggers, though I've never been on either the giving or receiving end of them. They look like they're exquisite, though, and from what I've heard/read of the sensations they produce, I'm practically salivating to have Master or M try one on me. It's possible that, once I actually experience a flogger, I'll find it won't be nearly as exciting as I imagine. But considering the wide variety of floggers and all the different sensations they can produce, I'm sure I'll find at least one type that I like.

Master, M, and I went to a BDSM shop with two of M's friends. Though one of them also seemed interested in kink, one of them was decidedly vanilla, lol. And though he was pretty good about being surrounded by leather hoods and harnesses and chastity belts and whatnot, he definitely was baffled by the entire thing. Sometimes I forget that most people don't like to mix pain with pleasure - I'm not used to having to explain it, since most of the time it never even comes up. So when M's friend asked, "Why in the world do you guys like this stuff?" all I could do was grin and shrug.

The BDSM shop was geared towards leathermen, so there wasn't much stuff specifically for women there, but there was an absolutely gorgeous elkhide flogger there! Aaaaah, it was so soft! It was also very well-balanced (according to M; I don't know enough to make a valid judgement). I think I'm going to save up for one. Yes yes. I think I shall.

Also, Master's going to look into us visiting a BDSM club and maybe even go to a play party next time I go to visit him. I hope we can - I really would like to meet new people in the community in person. Online is fun and all, but it's not the same experience as meeting people and watching them play.


Whenever Master was at his computer, I sat on the floor beside him and rested my head on his lap. As he ran his fingers through my hair, I couldn't think of any place I'd rather be. I can't wait to see him again.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008


Sometimes my family surprises me. The other day, after seeing a trailer for an inane-looking movie called "Mama Mia!", in which a woman tries to figure out which of three hunks is her dad because she absolutely needs her father to "give her away" at her wedding, I remarked that I only want Dad to "give me away" at my wedding (assuming I ever get married) if my husband-to-be is walked down the aisle by his mother. Either he's escorted too, or I get to walk down the aisle by myself, like a big girl.

To my amazement, my mother and sister dismissed the idea, saying things along the lines of, "Oh, it doesn't mean that anymore!" (That is, "giving away" the bride no longer means the father is relinquishing dominion over her.)

I've heard a phrase along the lines of, "The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he doesn't exist." The same thing can be said of sexism.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Fulfilling my needs

I miss Master. Not only do I miss Master, I miss the things Master would do to me. I miss the spankings, the paddlings, the clothespins, the ice cubes, the ropes, the blindfolds, the handcuffs, the knives. I miss him ordering me to crawl on the floor, scolding me for some "infraction" between swats with a wooden spoon, murmuring, "Good girl, kitten," in my ear. I miss being so deep in subspace that I can't open my eyes because even the light from a single candle is too bright and I can't even speak. I miss the sensation of having all my nerves alight and quivering, so the lightest touch makes me shiver and twitch.

I miss having sex with Master, too, of course. I miss that terribly. But that's a different thing. It's like being stranded in a desert; you want food and water, but they're still separate things. This particular desire is new to me, though; last summer Master didn't yet own me - indeed, I had never even tried BDSM. I know how to handle my sex drive; how do I handle my newly-awakened kink drive?

If I'm horny, I can just masturbate and I'm good. Problem solved. But self-gratification in BDSM seems a bit trickier. I don't think spanking myself would cut it - it's not just about the pain, it's the fact that someone else is inflicting it on me. I can't submit to myself.

I suppose I could hire a prodom, theoretically. That's expensive, though - and expense is the least of my hesitations. Not only do I worry about how Master would feel about it, I also worry about how I would feel about it. Master - and M, to a much lesser extent - is the only person who has dominated me. How would it be different? Would I even like it if someone else was holding the flogger? It's the same thing that keeps me from considering finding a play partner; when Master and I play together, it's not just about him giving pain/orders and me receiving it/them. The entire subtext of our relationship is behind it - our friendship, our love, everything. I need to have that if I'm going to submit/bottom to someone, and I don't think that kind of relationship is possible with someone I'm playing with just for the summer or someone I'm paying to hit me.


I go to visit him in a week!

So there's hope after all.