Performing gender

It's hot during the summer. (Duh.) Since I spend a good portion of the day in a "professional" office environment and shorts are considered too casual (so far), that means I wear a lot of skirts. I don't mind this at all - skirts can be very comfortable, and a nice breeze in the crotch region can be very refreshing!

Anyway, one thing I've noticed is that, in conjunction with wearing traditionally feminine clothes more, I also perform other aspects of femininity more - specifically wearing makeup - when I'm dressed for my internship. (When I'm just doing whatever, I don't bother.) Normally I don't wear any makeup at all, save for a couple dots of concealer if I've got blemishes. However, over the summer I've fallen in love with eyeshadow. I've got several different palettes now in varying colors - some subdued, others more outré - and one of my most enjoyable parts of my morning routine is picking my eyeshadow for the day and applying it.

I think some of it has to do with the fact that I bought actual brushes for applying it - instead of just the little sponge wand that comes with the compact. Something about using brushes makes it all seem more theatrical, which I think is a lot of the appeal. I love acting and performing, taking on different roles, and makeup can be a part of that; when I put it on, I'm playing the role of Young Professional - or perhaps Funky Clubber, if I'm going out to the bar. These are characters written by society, but I can take these roles, examine them, adopt them, and play with my own interpretation of them.

No doubt this also has to do with why I love drag - again, I'm playing with gender performance, just with the gender I usually don't identify with. I get a thrill out of adopting an appearance and mannerisms that are relatively foreign to me and seeing if I can perform them to others' satisfaction. Do I make a convincing guy? (I've been told I make an attractive guy, which is a start.) Do I want to pass completely, or do I want to just confuse people because it's fun? It depends on my mood, really; again, I adopt the masculine roles to suit my fancy in that particular instance.

Later I'll make a post about drag kings vs. drag queens vs. cross-dressers, if I remember.

Progress & expectations

I'm coming along well in my anal training. I can take Master's cock a good way past the head now, or so he says. I can't really see - but it feels like a lot! The biggest obstacle I need to overcome is the width, methinks.

Master also administered an anal douche last week. It was a very strange experience; the water was very warm, and it made me feel all full and a little bloaty. We did a bit of impromptu medical roleplay, where he was a kind, young country doctor running a clinic out of his home and I was his shy, embarrassed patient. It was fun, but I think what I really want from medical scenes is the evil!doctor - something closer to a mad scientist figure - that subjects poor widdle me to all sorts of nasty experiments.

Kind doctors aren't terribly sexy to me because they aren't a fantasy; they're the kind of doctors I meet in real life. I've had the fortune of never being subjected to immoral medical practices, so I can afford to build up images in my head of a cruel doctor without having to actually experience the terror of being medically violated.

In that way, I suppose, its similar to how/why I experience rape fantasies. Though obviously people who have similar fantasies are going to have vastly different reasons. Kind of like convergent evolution - starting from disparate psychologies, two people can reach similar sexual profiles.

"...Then came home and fucked my sister."

The brother/sister roleplay was hella fun. I was in character as soon as Master opened the door for me, and we didn't break character until we were lying together on the bed going, "....Whew!"

Master and I are both actors and we both play table-top RPGs, so I think we applied a lot of that to our playsession. The only problem is, I'm not the greatest at improv and I didn't spend a whole lot of time thinking about my character beforehand. "Her boyfriend just broke up with her... and she wants to bang her older brother," was about the extent of her characterization. Still, I think I did all right.

I also discovered that seduction is DAMN HARD. I don't really seduce very often (which is partially why Master wanted to do this scenario), and what made it even more difficult was that we both knew it was a farce; I wasn't really seducing Master, since he already wanted to sleep with me, but we both needed to figure out how many of the perfunctory motions I had to go through before he could "cave." It's a delicate balance between "LOLOK" and completely shutting my advances down.

The sex itself was... frantic. It was desperate. It was guilty. It was awesome. Throughout the entire scene the sexual tension was thick in the air, and I was wet even long before the first kiss. Though, as Master remarked afterward, "It was hard to think of something to say other than, 'Oh, Sibling-Pronoun.'" At one point I almost slipped and called him Master, but I stopped myself. :3

However, throughout the entire scene I had the weirdest urge to say something completely off the fucking wall. Like when my "brother" insisted on using a condom, I had to bite my tongue to keep from saying, "Yeah, we don't want any freaky-deaky inbred babies!" And in the middle of sex it required some real willpower to keep from saying, "Oh man, you fuck just like Daddy!" I have no idea why I wanted to say weird shit like that. I mean, yeah it would have been hilarious, but it would have entirely broken the mood of the scene. Which may have been the reason - I wanted to remind myself (by forcing Master and me to break character) that this wasn't real, that we aren't actually siblings.

Or maybe I've just heard one too many "inbred hillbilly" jokes.

You know, this is going to sound weird, but the sexual tension in the early part of the scene actually reminds me of when Master and I first started dating. (Three years ago! My, how the time flies!) Before we started having sex - before we even kissed - Master would invite me over to his room for "platonic sleepovers." We would both be fully clothed and wouldn't do anything else besides caress each other's arms, backs, and bellies, but holy crap would my panties be soaked by morning. I wanted to have sex with him so badly, and I knew that I probably could if I just asked. But I also knew I shouldn't because I was a virgin and he was the handsomest boy at school and we weren't in a serious relationship and blah blah blah. It was bad. It was naughty.

But God-damn if it wasn't hot.

(As an aside, does anyone have any recommendations for a good beginner's anal plug? I can take one finger easily now, but the jump in width between one and two is proving a little difficult; I think something more tapered (like a plug) would be helpful.)

"I love you like a brother!"

Master and I didn't play on Wednesday because he was too tired, but tonight we are. We are going to play at being brother and sister, which he proposed over winter break after reading my blog post on incest. I'm going to be a younger sister who has just broken up with her boyfriend and turns to her caring older brother for comfort... meheheheh.

We both were very flighty and nervous at first about the prospect, but the more I think about it, the more I'm just plain old excited. We'll see how it goes.

On roleplaying and owning cats

Master and I finally played again last night; he'd asked me to choose some old clothes that I didn't want to keep, and he would then rip them off me (after they'd been primed with a few well-placed snips) during a rape scene.

It's funny - yes, part of my love for roleplaying of that sort comes from the visceral thrill that rape invokes (oh, how I do love exploring the darker aspects of human psychology and society), but a good part of it is simply my love for acting. It's fun to pretend to be someone else; it's a mental exercise, a game. So when he holds the knife to my throat, even while I'm thinking, "Ohmygod is he gonna kill me?" I'm also thinking, "What could I do to make this more dramatic (that won't get one of us hurt)?" It's an interesting dualism; neither thought process detracts from the other. Yay cognitive dissonance?

Part that made me lol but not really: At one point I accidentally slipped out a, "Yes!" And Master heard it, and commented on it. ("Oh, you like it, huh?") I was like, Crap! I'm supposed to not like it! Uhh... fuck, I'll just run with it! Afterwards, Master commented, "I wasn't sure if your character liked it at the end or not."

"I wasn't sure either." Heheh.

Another tidbit of post-scene conversation: Master said to me, "You know, you don't have to be afraid to say I'm yours."

"Eh? How do you mean?"

"I mean sometimes I notice you seem... reluctant to say that I'm yours. You don't need to be."

I nodded; I knew what he meant. Up to that point, I'd made a conscious point of subverting any tendencies I had to claim some sort of ownership over him. I didn't want to make him feel like I wasn't actually submitting to him - something that had been a point of issue earlier in our relationship. When I explained this all to him, Master said, "Well, you may own a cat, but the cat also owns you."

~*~

I know the sterotype of cats is that they're independent to a fault, but that's not at all true. My ten-year-old cat is a farm cat at heart. She was born under a porch, and long ago we gave up on trying to keep her from adventuring outdoors. Yes, she's independent, but she's also formed an intensely strong relationship with me. My father recently told me that the day I left for school, she began to wander the hallways and cry incessantly. She sleeps next to me every night when I'm home. Though she doesn't hesitate to bite me when I cross some arbitrary boundary of hers, she never bites hard enough to actually harm me; just enough to get her point across.

I like to imagine that her relationship towards me is similar to mine and Master's. I love Master with everything that I am; I feel more keenly for him when he's gone, and when we're near I like to go "exploring," though I always return; Master punishes me when I'm out of line - and, conversely, I can rebuke him when he violates my personal set of rules - but that rarely comes up because our needs and wants are closely aligned most of the time; Master tends to dote on me; I'm so eager to please him that I'm sure it's at times exhasperating. :)

I'm sure many people would be perturbed that I just compared the most loving, committed relationship I've ever been in with my cat. But I can think of a lot worse things for my love life to be like.

Suprise sex

The other night, I told Master I wanted to role-play as my Legend of the Five Rings character, a lesbian ninja, and he would play a Kolat agent "torturing" me for information. He agreed, and when I was done with play rehearsal I ran to his apartment. "Do you want me to change in my room or down here?" I asked him.

"Down here," he told me. Giddily, I dashed up the stairs to my room and gathered my costume together. Mask and kimono in hand, I returned to Master's apartment and opened the door, which was unlocked for me. The entire apartment was dark, and I paused, unsure. Had Master gone to the bathroom? I called out his name hesitantly, but there was no reply. Leaving the door open just a crack, I padded across the room and turned on the light. As the yellow glow flooded the room, I turned towards the doorway to the bedroom just in time to see a man in a black ski mask before he pounced and pinned my arms at my sides.

I recognized Master right away, of course. But I also understood what was going on right away. Master was a sneaky monkey, all right - what better time to surprise me for a rape role-play than when I'm expecting a different rape role-play? Ingenious.

I soon discovered, though, that playing the victim is harder than it looks. For one, I had to pretend I didn't want it. When I stopped struggling to make it easier for Master to gag me, he quipped, "How nice of you to hold still for me." I thought, Oh yeah! and started squirming again. But not too much. I also didn't struggle too much because I didn't want to hurt Master!

At one point he said something - I can't remember what exactly, something a stereotypical rapist would say - and I hissed back, "Fuck you." I got such a thrill from saying that. I didn't mean it; I wasn't really angry or hateful, yet it was an act of defiance all the same. I was saying something I shouldn't, something that even I thought was inappropriate to say. Afterwards, as we lied together and talked about the scene, Master said he had expected me to pull the whole "victim falls in love with her attacker" bit. I didn't. I played the defiant all the way to the end, when finally he was able to get a tiny, "Yes! Oh yes!" out of me. I told him I didn't because it felt too cliched (which he promptly teased me about). This was true, but it was also because it was too much fun trying to fight back!

Even so, though, I don't think it's something I want to do very often. I mean, it's a lot of fun, but it's like skydiving - too intense to do on a regular basis. To use a completely different metaphor, the rape play was like rich, dark, chocolate mousse, while the "normal" sex we have is like fruits and vegetables. One is tasty, but have too much and you'll grow sick of it; the other is vital to staying healthy.