Alter Egos

Yikes, I hadn't realized I'd neglected this blog for quite so long. Well, no need to dwell on it - I doubt more than a handful of people noticed anyway - so on to the subject at hand.

In my experience, having "kinky alter egos" is a pretty common thing. For example, when we're sceneing my boyfriend becomes Master and I become kitten. Many of my other partners have names for their alter egos as well, at least the dominant ones. (For a long time I was almost exclusively submissive, so their own subbiness didn't get much practice with me.)

But I've noticed an interesting difference between me and a few of my partners in terms of how we relate to our kinky sides. They refer to their alter egos in the third person, almost as if they are separate people. "Lupa is very mad at you," my friend will growl sweetly, hinting at what will come later that evening. Even more interestingly, Ume's alter ego Jack comes up in places other than the bedroom; he says that he finds Jack useful when playing poker and he must find the right balance of being a cutthroat risk-taker and a prudent observer of people's behavior. Jack is certainly a useful persona; he's earned his rent check (and then some) many times that way.

I didn't think much of this until recently, when playing with Lupa and Ume. I recently worked up the courage to express my Domme side around Ume, to the great delight of us both. (Domming a man who's significantly bigger than me has been a fantasy of mine for a little while.) While Lupa and I had fun tormenting him, he suddenly asked, "Do you have a name you want me to call you?"

I paused. "You know, I haven't actually thought of that," I admitted.

"Is what I've been calling you so far okay?" he asked, having been calling me Mistress up until that point.

"Oh yes!" I said, and we continued with our fun. It certainly made me feel in charge, and I don't call Master anything other than Master, so Mistress was sufficient for me.

Later, Lupa asked Ume if it'd be possible to "talk out" Jack. I was curious; though he'd taken a dominant role in our playsessions before, I had never noticed a distinct persona, like I do when Master is Master. So we started bantering, references to gambling and luck being prominent in our innuendo. As Ume explained the difference between himself and Jack, I could see the shift in his body language and in his speech patterns as he began to settle into Jack's mindset. However, I was still in a Dommy mood myself, and I couldn't bring myself to be properly "afraid," even though I could see that hungry gleam in his eye. Instead, I kept teasing him - being a real brat. "So," Ume finally asked me, "how are you going to make good on our bet?"

"Well," I said with a grin as I lounged on the bed, "I guess you can just tell me what to do, and I'll fulfill your request to the best of my ability."

He looked me up and down once, again with that predatory gleam. "Good," he said. He pinned me down to the bed and kissed me - and I immediately could tell that this was Jack. Whereas normally Ume's kisses are incredibly gentle - I'd even call them tentative - this kiss was forceful, hungry, and confident. He knew what he wanted, and he knew he could take it. And, like flipping a switch (HA HA I MADE A FUNNY) I was suddenly in full-on submissive mode.

This was the first session where I've switched from Domme to sub like that (and where my partner has done the same), so I think that's why it got me thinking about alter egos. I certainly have different behaviors, speech patterns, etc. when I'm kitten (instead of everyday me), but I don't really think of "kitten" as separate from "me." But then again, "I" would be fucking pissed off if someone called me a slut or a cocksucker, where as "kitten" loves it. Would it be helpful for me to think of my submissive (and my dominant) personality as separate personas? Or would that lead to unhealthy compartmentalization? I don't know. I'll have to think about it more.

New experiences

I went to my first play party last night; neither Master nor Tapeti could make it, so I went unaccompanied.

It was actually a lot of fun. Everyone was very friendly and welcoming. And I got spanked and paddled. And I got nipple clamped for the first time, which was awesome. ^_^ And there was lots of food!

Trying to snap out of sub-space was weird, though. After the scene I kept wanting to go "sub sub sub sub sub!" to the person who topped me, but I didn't want to commit any social faux pas either. What is the post-scene etiquette, I wonder?

Fulfilling my needs

I miss Master. Not only do I miss Master, I miss the things Master would do to me. I miss the spankings, the paddlings, the clothespins, the ice cubes, the ropes, the blindfolds, the handcuffs, the knives. I miss him ordering me to crawl on the floor, scolding me for some "infraction" between swats with a wooden spoon, murmuring, "Good girl, kitten," in my ear. I miss being so deep in subspace that I can't open my eyes because even the light from a single candle is too bright and I can't even speak. I miss the sensation of having all my nerves alight and quivering, so the lightest touch makes me shiver and twitch.

I miss having sex with Master, too, of course. I miss that terribly. But that's a different thing. It's like being stranded in a desert; you want food and water, but they're still separate things. This particular desire is new to me, though; last summer Master didn't yet own me - indeed, I had never even tried BDSM. I know how to handle my sex drive; how do I handle my newly-awakened kink drive?

If I'm horny, I can just masturbate and I'm good. Problem solved. But self-gratification in BDSM seems a bit trickier. I don't think spanking myself would cut it - it's not just about the pain, it's the fact that someone else is inflicting it on me. I can't submit to myself.

I suppose I could hire a prodom, theoretically. That's expensive, though - and expense is the least of my hesitations. Not only do I worry about how Master would feel about it, I also worry about how I would feel about it. Master - and M, to a much lesser extent - is the only person who has dominated me. How would it be different? Would I even like it if someone else was holding the flogger? It's the same thing that keeps me from considering finding a play partner; when Master and I play together, it's not just about him giving pain/orders and me receiving it/them. The entire subtext of our relationship is behind it - our friendship, our love, everything. I need to have that if I'm going to submit/bottom to someone, and I don't think that kind of relationship is possible with someone I'm playing with just for the summer or someone I'm paying to hit me.

BUT.

I go to visit him in a week!

So there's hope after all.

Tears

A few days ago, Master and I had a much more intense session than usual, sort of as a "good-bye." (We're on spring break right now.) There was some of the usual (spanking, shibari, anal, ice cubes) in greater quantities, as well as some new-ish things. Master did a bit of knife play, which was scary but a lot of fun. Also, at one point he brought out... a carrot!

"Do you know what I'm going to do with this?" he asked as he caressed my body.

My heart raced and my eyes squeezed shut. I was terrified he'd read my earlier post with the eggplant comment and been... inspired by it. Oh no, he wouldn't. He WOULDN'T!!

"Open up," he said, and he stuck the carrot in my mouth sideways, like a bit. "Bite down on that. If you need me to stop, the signal is to clap your hands. Okay?"

I nodded, relieved, and play continued.

Afterwards, as I was lying with my head on his chest, I started crying. I'm not really sure why, because I didn't feel upset at all - it just felt something I couldn't avoid doing, like yawning. Master was worried about me, of course, because I'd never cried after a scene before, though my throat has tightened up with that "about-to-cry" feeling before. I think it had something to do with the release of all the pent-up emotions and stress from the end of the semester. Like lancing a blister (which I know you're not supposed to do, but I do anyway): it hurts, but in a good way, and once all the gross stuff is drained out it feels so much better.

It was a great scene. When Master paused to wash off his hands after the anal play and lay on the bed waiting, little sparkles of light started flashing beneath my closed eyelids. I was like, "Wheee.... pretty lights!" Yeah... I was flying a little bit. It was awesome.

Now I miss Master. ;_; Only a week until I see him again!

The deep end

Last night Master pushed my limits much further than he ever had before. He didn't really do anything new - anal, spanking, shibari, clothespins, ice cubes - but he spanked me longer and harder, the bondage was heaver than before, and he used the ice cube much more extensively. All of it in combination sent me much deeper into subspace than I'd ever gone before.

Anal has always been a surefire way to get me into subspace quickly. I'm not sure what it is about it, but I find it to be one of the most submissive acts possible. I think it's because 1) Master is touching me in a place I don't even touch myself, 2) Master could hurt me very easily there, so I'm at his mercy, and 3) it feels kind of like I have no control over my bowels. That's one of the most intensely personal functions one has, and even that was taken from me (or seemed to be, anyway). Afterwards, as I lay on the bed while Master washed his hands, I felt like a little baby. I was completely helpless. It was incredible.

And that was only the beginning. Over the next hour, Master pushed me even further. It was so strange to experience. I felt like I couldn't look Master in the face, I was so submissive. I couldn't tell what was pain and what was pleasure; the clothespins on my nipples felt exquisite, then I'd forget they were even there, then they'd be excruciating. I wasn't me anymore; I was kitten, and only kitten. At one point I said the safeword - I can't even remember why now - and when Master stopped to make sure I was okay and to reassure me, he used my real name. That pulled me out of it for a moment, and I was able to lock eyes with him. When we started again, however, I dived back down almost right away.

Afterwards, when Master was holding me, I started trembling and shaking. Apparently I was also slurring my words, but I didn't even notice that. All I could do was cling to Master as these little spasms wracked my body and try to put my mind back in order. My thoughts were all muddied and slow, and I still couldn't bring myself to look Master in the face or call him by his real name. I told Master that if he called me by my real name I'd probably snap out of it, but he said he didn't want me to just yet. So we lay there together for a while - I don't know how long. Master was a little worried about me because this had never happened to me before, but I assured him that I was okay and that he hadn't hurt me at all.

And I was exhausted. So completely exhausted! I was as weak as a newborn kitten. Thank goodness Master was there to take care of me.

Master told me once I'd completely come out of it that he wanted to keep things up at that intensity for a while, and once I was comfortable with it he'd push a little more. I'm a little nervous about what he's going to do next, but the thought of being pushed into that zone again makes me want to try it.

~~

On a side note, I got a new collar! It's a red dog collar. I really like it because it's durable and casual enough that I can wear it with my everyday clothes, but Master says it's a little less subtle than he's used to. I'd like to get a nametag for it someday. I'm not sure whether to put my real name, the nickname that everyone calls me, or Master's pet name for me on it. My pet name is kind of a secret, so I'm a little hesitant to use that one, even though it'd probably be most appropriate.