Thursday, January 31, 2008

For real

The other day Master was angry with me - truly angry with me. However, he didn't exact a single punishment on me, didn't even raise his voice, for he didn't need to; the mere force of his anger was enough to crush me. It was terrifying. It was the worst I'd ever felt. But his anger was justified, and even though he was mad, he made it clear that he still loved me.

I am very fortunate to be with Master. His patience and love are boundless. I can only hope that I can right the wrong that I made.

Thursday, January 24, 2008


The rest of my French maid costume arrived in the mail today! I'm so excited. I can't wait to try it on and play with Master. Dressing up as a French maid has always been a fantasy of mine, and Master is really good at role-playing. Last time we played as teacher/schoolgirl, and it was lots of fun. Master's a great actor - and he used to be a student teacher, so he knew what he was doing. ^_^

I wonder what other role-playing we should do... I'd really like to do a pseudo-Japanese one. I've had that fantasy for a long time, and I've got a pretty kimono now to dress up in. We'll just have to be careful, though, because kimono tend to be delicate.

Two things

In Britain, a bus company refused service to a man who led his fiancee on a dog leash. (BBC article) I don't know if they were in a D/s relationship - they were described as "goth," and I'm acutely aware that the goth and BDSM subcultures are distinctly different and in no way intrinsically linked. Still, I don't know what to think of this incident. I'd like to know more about what exactly happened, and the bus company's policy regarding leashed pets in general - whether they be human or canine. If leash dogs are allowed and not leashed humans, then it's a clear-cut case of discrimination. But if they don't allow dogs either, then they may have a legitimate case.

I'm a little over 24 hours into a 36 hour orgasm ban. I left too many pairs of shoes in Master's apartment, didn't shave when I was supposed to, and I left the sponge in the sink after I finished washing dishes. 36 hours without orgasming may seem like nothing, and I suppose it is, but I normally have about 5 orgasms every time we have sex... and we have sex at least once a day. So it's still going to be a challenge.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

A woman's place

Man experiences the essence of his masculinity in the act of romantic dominance; woman experiences the essence of her femininity in the act of romantic surrender.

-Ayn Rand
I generally dislike Ayn Rand's philosophies. Though the libertarian/objectivist idea, of, essentially "an ye harm none, do what ye will," is great when applied to personal lives, on a large scale - that of companies and governments - it just can't be done. That, and she called homosexuality "immoral, and more than that; if you want my really sincere opinion, it's disgusting." And she said the gay and feminist activists were demanding "special privileges," which is the biggest load of horse shit ever.

And then I read that quote.

Half of me sneers with disgust, saying, "Ugh, more Ayn Rand sexist/homophobic crap. Bleh."

Half of me blinks, bemused, and says, "Wait a minute... she's talking about me."

Do I not express my sexuality and femininity through submission to Master? Do I not feel more complete than ever before in my life when Master dominates me? How can I criticize Rand when I am doing precisely what she dictates?

I suppose my only defense is just that - she dictates that Man must dominate woman, that it is The Way Things Should Be. Though Master and I may follow that path, we do not believe it is The Way Things Should Be for everyone. There are lots of people who prefer egalitarian relationships - and let's not forget all the lovely Dommes out there!

Yes, I do submit to Master. But he is a specific man - I do not submit to all men because no other man has a right to dominate me. No other man has my permission to dominate me. And I know that sounds Dommish of me, but it's true. The only way a D/s relationship can work is if we want it. He can't force me to submit, because I could just leave; I can't force my submission upon him, because he can refuse to dominate (and leave).

So we both have the choice of D/s, and that's the crucial distinction between me and Ayn Rand's words. For her, feminine submission was a fact, a rule. For me, it is one possibility out of many that I have selected as the one I wish to pursue.

And that's female empowerment - the power of choice.

Monday, January 14, 2008


Recently, Master "punished" me for forgetting to put my collar back on after changing my clothes. He bent me over and spanked me with a ruler, which is nothing new; I enjoy being spanked. Then, before he started to fuck me, he told me that I could not orgasm, no matter how much I wanted to. This was new, and a challenge for me because I orgasm very easily. It wasn't until the very end that Master gave me permission to come, and when I did it was one of the most intense that I've had.

This was the first time that Master had ever "punished" me, and I thought he did an excellent job. It wasn't a real punishment, since he wasn't really mad and I actually enjoyed the experience. Nevertheless, even though I found it pleasurable, it was still a challenge. It took all my self-control to keep from coming before he let me, and that challenge (as well as the uniqueness of the experience, since we'd never tried orgasm control before) reminded me that I should remember to put my collar on.

The spanking was "punishment" as well, even though I enjoy it and we use it on a semi-regular basis, because it's the kind of thing that is usually used as punishment instead of a reward outside of a BDSM context. You never spank your kids to reward them for good grades. This brought home the meaning of "play" for me. We were both pretending he was punishing me, and to an outward observer it might have looked like that, but we knew the truth: we were just playing around and enjoying ourselves.

Friday, January 11, 2008


Ever since Master collared me, I've worn a collar every day. I have several to choose from.

There's the thick velvet cameo choker he gave me when he asked me to be his, by far the most formal of my collars. I have a plain, white leather collar, which I bought for myself some time ago and wear with more casual outfits; it has a matching leash that we use for play. Currently I'm wearing a simple lace collar underneath my turtleneck. My favorite, however, is one that we picked out together. It's made of soft black lace, with a metal heart pendant discreetly studded with small rhinestones. I wear that one most often.

Master never has to remind me to put on my collar. I love matching my outfit with my collars; I love having Master fasten the clasp for me, kissing me on the nape of my neck when he's done. I love hearing others compliment me on my collars, and every time I wonder how many of my friends and classmates know the significance, the meaning behind them. Some might, but I think the vast majority don't.

Throughout the day, I reach up and touch the collar encircling my neck. Every time, it reminds me of Master's love for me, and my commitment to him. When Master told me why he wanted to collar me, he told me, "It's the closest thing to marriage that I'm willing to do at this point in my life." I liked that because I felt the same way. Like a wedding ring, my collars symbolize our devotion to each other. But they mean more than that; they also mean that I am his, that he is my Master, that I am devoted to serving him and he is dedicated to caring for me. It's marriage-lite, with a D/s twist.

Sounds like a tasty drink!

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

My wants, his wants, our wants

After dinner today, I went to my friends' place to play video games. I'd been there for perhaps half an hour when R's cell phone rang. He answered and spoke briefly with the person on the other line, glancing over at me and saying, "Yeah, she's right here. Here you go."

R handed me the phone, and I took it. "Hello?" I said into the receiver, puzzled.

I heard Master's voice on the other line. "Hey, hon. I hate to call you away, but could you come home?" His voice had a somber tone; perhaps it was something about our work - in any case it couldn't be good. I immediately agreed, hung up, and walked the short distance back to our building. Master's door was locked, as usual, so I knocked softly. After a few seconds he answered, wordlessly pulling me inside and kissing me hungrily.

It was a ruse, I realized as he removed my jacket, then my glasses, then my sweater and bra. With one swift motion, he snapped handcuffs to my wrists behind my back. And an excellent ruse, at that.

We made frantic love on the sofa in the living room, me struggling to keep quiet so no one passing by the door would hear. Then Master slung me over his shoulder and carried me into the bedroom, where I didn't have to worry so much about disturbing the random passerby. Eventually he removed the handcuffs from one of my wrists, so I was free to caress him - or scratch him. Before he climaxed, however, Master suddenly gripped my throat with his hand. It wasn't too hard, as I could still breath unhindered, but it was enough that I could feel the pressure against my larynx and my carotid artery. My lace collar was still on; the textured fabric dug into my skin, adding an element of friction to the sensation.

I hadn't asked him to grab my throat, nor had I ever expressed any interest in that kind of play. Afterwards, when Master asked me if I had liked it, I said, "Kind of." To be honest, I wasn't sure whether I liked it or not. It was an interesting sensation, to be sure, but not as intensely pleasurable as spanking or an ice cube. Nor was it incredibly unpleasant, such as wax play. It was... ambivalent.

"Well, I liked it," Master said.

"Then we'll do it," I replied. "As long as you don't grab too hard."

Sometimes I'm afraid that Master participates in BDSM with me only because I like it so much; that is, he's only interested because I'm interested. I don't want it to be like that. Though I'd be flattered if he'd be willing to do so much for me, I want Master to be interested in BDSM for its own sake, too. I'd like him to have his own kinks instead of just accommodating mine. I'm pretty sure he does; he bought some rope and has been researching shibari/rope bondage a lot, though I haven't asked him to. But even so, it feels to me that when we play, usually it's to indulge my kinks instead of his.

So even though having him pretend to choke me isn't much of a turn on, I'll gladly play along because it's what he wants. I want his turn-ons to be fulfilled as much as mine - beyond the whole "turning you on turns me on" thing.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008


On an unrelated note, I opened my iTunes and put it on shuffle, and the first song played was by The Kinks.

Hahaha, oh poetic irony.

Monday, January 7, 2008


This is the first time I've had a blog that's truly anonymous. I have other blogs on other sites under other names, and I made them with the explicit intent of having them read by people who knew me, who knew I was the one writing. I've used blogs for nigh on five years as a way to share my thoughts and experiences with my friends, and never once did I try to hide my identity on them.

So why, then, did I decide to set up an anonymous, separate blog now? I'm not sure. Part of it is a fear of being "outed," though I feel that's hypocritical of me. I'm also pansexual, and I don't hide that part of my identity in my journaling; I even used my primary blog to come out. I never considered hiding my pansexuality from my friends and family, and yet I feel like I must hide my kink from them. There are several who I know wouldn't be bothered by it; there are a few who I'm fairly certain are kinksters themselves! Yet I'm still apprehensive about telling them.

Perhaps one day I will feel more comfortable sharing this part of my life with them, but even then I'll keep this blog as anonymous as possible. Let's face it - kink is even more marginalized/prosecuted in this society than non-heterosexuality. BDSM conventions and practitioners face resistance from city officials and citizens, but having GLBT gatherings is often a source of pride, a mark of how open-minded and progressive a community is. Because of this, I'm much more uncomfortable having acquaintances and coworkers knowing about my kink than my pansexuality.

And besides (at the risk of sounding cynical), I'm currently in a heterosexual relationship. Even if people know that I'm attracted to people with girly-bits (or not-quite-either-bits) too, the fact that I'm with a man gives me legitimacy. I'm still conforming with society's expectations.

I think that perhaps I will direct my kink-friendly friends to this blog, but I'll ask them to refrain from referring me by any name that might link me to my other blogs or real-life acquaintances. I want to share my experiences with them, as well as the random passerby interested in BDSM. As Master said when he encouraged me to start this blog, "If someone is still unsure about how they feel about themselves, maybe your blog will help them." The idea of helping a fellow newcomer to the BDSM lifestyle is more than enough motivation for me.


I could start at the beginning and introduce myself, but instead I'm going to jump right in with what's on my mind at the moment.

Master and I don't always have BDSM sex. He doesn't always tie me up, spank me, pull my hair. I don't always call him Master; he doesn't always call me kitten. But as vanilla as our sex may seem sometimes, I don't think it's ever completely free of D/s. Master is still the one who calls the shots in bed, even though he does so with a gentle, loving voice and even asks me what I would like to do next. Even when I'm on top - an apparently "dominant" position - he oftentimes controls the situation. I'm not sure if this disqualifies our "vanilla" sex as really vanilla, since I'm pretty sure that most couples have one of the people calling the shots in bed, even if it's so subtle that it isn't noticed.

Or maybe I have a hard time imagining sex without some amount of power exchange.

And even though BDSM rarely intrudes into our everyday lives, still Master is normally the one in charge at some level. When he decides it'd be nice to have some tea, I jump to my feet to put the kettle on. If I cook breakfast that morning, and Master is still in bed when it's served, I ask for his permission to start eating without him. Sometimes BDSM takes a more overt role in our lives as well; right now I'm wearing a rope chest harness underneath my clothes. And then, of course, there's the collar that I wear in some form every day.

All this makes me wonder if our relationship is "24/7." I'm hesitant to use any label at all, since we're both newcomers to BDSM and I'm afraid of using a label incorrectly, but I'm especially leery of affixing "24/7" to our relationship because of the mixed feelings that seem to swirl around it. There are some who say 24/7 relationships breach the SSC tenants of BDSM and are inherently dangerous/abusive/what have you. And there are those who say this is poppycock and, done properly, a 24/7 power exchange is rewarding and fulfilling for both the Dom and the sub.

I've read the blogs of Masters and of slaves in 24/7s, and much of what I read seems beyond what I'm currently comfortable with. I'm not a slave, and I do not want to be a slave; I have bound myself to my Master and willingly subject to him, but I am not a piece of property. The idea that I would be forbidden to sit on the furniture, to only speak when spoken to, and so on squicks me out a bit, if I may be honest.

Then again, I'm sure if this were read, two dozen people would chime in saying, "But not all 24/7s are like that! [Insert counterexample here.]"

So I don't know. Are we 24/7? Maybe. Whatever we are right now, I'm happy with where it's going, and so is Master. That's really all that matters, isn't it?