Monday, December 21, 2009


Master was hit by a car while riding his bike a week ago. He's been in the hospital ever since.

He's definitely getting better - he should leave the ICU in the next day or two - but it's so hard sometimes. I feel so lost and alone and helpless. I just want him to get better.

Please pray, chant, cast magick, whatever it is you do.

Thursday, December 10, 2009


In Master's absence I've been tentatively exploring my dominant side a bit more. I still have a hard time feeling truly comfortable expressing dominance - especially towards men (damn our patriarchal society!) - but I've been getting a feel for what kind of dominance turns me on.

Enter Male Submission Art. So many pretty men! :D The blog-keeper's commentary on each post is nice, too. From what I gather he's a submissive man himself, and I don't think I've read/followed many blogs that feature male subs. While theoretically that shouldn't make a difference - a sub is a sub - the fact is that our gendered society makes the experience of submission different for men and women, I think. Or at least it's different from my perspective.

Because men are expected to dominate and women are expected to submit, the most obvious difference is that male submission has an element of transgression beyond what female submission has. Of course, this doesn't mean that female submission is bad for reifying the gender binary or whatever; however, it does mean we have to approach it and process it differently.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

'Tis the season!

Seems Fetlife is doing a contest where you can enter to win one of three prizes of your choosing (out of many, many options). Me likey!

I chose the impact play kit, the Medusa flogger, and a silk waist cincher. ^_^

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Delicious sky-pie :D

I was talking to Master about browsing some BDSM sites and lusting over all these cool toys I can never have because they're too expensive. Then he told me to pick one thing that I'd like more than anything else, even though it's a total pie-in-the-sky deal. SO, without further ado, my totally-never-gonna-happen kinky wish list. (They all come from one website because that happened to be the site I was browsing when I was talking to Master.)

1) The Slave Driver Sex Machine

2) Vibrating Pleasure Periscope

3) Deerskin Flogger

On a more realistic note, I think it'd be fun to invest in a Wartenberg pinwheel. I could probably find one for a reasonable price. Maybe it'll be an anniversary present to Master. ^_^

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Tentative foray

I've never written smut before, despite being an avid writer, because I always feel awkward about it. The words sound so funny and, I always psych myself out before I even start trying; the fact that I hadn't had any firsthand experience until relatively recently didn't help much.

But! I want to expand my writing abilities, and I think part of that is learning how to write smut. I already have some experience from cybering/phone-sexing with Master. Plus, I have a plot bunny (for once) of the smutty variety - and it's steampunky, to boot. (Of course it is.) So I'm going to try my hand at the sexy writing and post my attempt here. Let's see what happens.

Sunday, November 29, 2009


Right now I really need someone to whom I can say, "My boyfriend probably had sex with another woman last night, and might again tonight, and even though we talked about it beforehand I'm feeling a little apprehensive and need to be reminded that yeah, I'm cared about too."

But all the people I'd normally turn to for that aren't here right now. :(

Tuesday, November 24, 2009


A while ago - before I went to visit Master - I had a very interesting experience with Lupa and a guy I'll call Finnian. He's a friend of ours, two years younger than Lupa and me, and he has a bit of a romantic history with Lupa, though the two have never been together officially.

Anyway, since the beginning of this year I've caught myself eying Finnian like a cat eying a plump squirrel. He's a good friend, he's funny, and he's attractive to boot - and I've been rather hungry now that Master's gone. But I know that Lupa still likes him (kind of; she's got mixed feelings) and he still likes her (probably), so I haven't done much more than watch him and chatter my teeth with anticipation.

However, there is one thing that Finnian and I both love to do, and that's torment Lupa. One night, Lupa was miserable from studying for a particularly vicious test, so Finnian and I took it upon ourselves to distract her. Our teasing and biting and licking escalated pretty quickly, but because we were in the living room we couldn't progress beyond a certain point without fear of it getting very awkward should a roommate happen to come in. But it was pretty obvious we all wanted to go further.

Master has been telling me I need to be more assertive. And Lupa and I had been joking for weeks about doing a "Twin Cougar Strike" on Finnian (a play on the name of an attack power in Dungeons & Dragons (yeah, we're super nerds)). This, I realized, was the perfect opportunity.

"Do you wanna go upstairs?" I whispered in Lupa's ear. After much incomprehensible flailing, Lupa nodded, so I helped her to her feet (her legs were already a little wobbly at this point). Then I turned to Finnian. "[Lupa] and I are going upstairs to have randy lesbian sex," I said, sounding much calmer than I felt. "You're welcome to come, if you'd like."

"Sure," Finnian said after a pause. "Might learn a thing or two."

So yeah. It was funny, because while I definitely participated, it felt a lot like I was orchestrating Lupa and Finnian's actions. Which was just fine - I like being a voyeur - but it was strange. It was much more intellectual, more "heady" than I usually am during sex. Sometimes I'd even be so explicit as to tell Finnian, "Do this," so he'd know precisely what Lupa liked, and a couple times I even manhandled the two into a better position for sexin'.

I don't think I'd call what I did "dominating," though, because I wasn't imposing my will on either of them. I was guiding them, giving them suggestions, that kind of thing. Mostly because both of them are pretty inexperienced compared to me. (And lordy do I feel weird saying that. Me? Experienced?!) Finnian was actually the least experienced of us, which was both fun and frustrating. It was fun because we got to experiment with what he liked, but it was frustrating because even he didn't know what he liked, so he couldn't just tell us. And his technique could use a little improvement, but that can only come with more practice! :)

Since then, I've wanted to be intimate with Finnian again - without Lupa. I'm not sure why I have that particular desire; I think it's a possession/dominance thing. "He's mine, see, I can do what I want with him." Which is petty, to be sure, and besides there's still the fact that there's more chemistry between those two than between him and me. Soooo it's probably not going to happen, but try telling my Id that.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009


Lupa and I visited Master this past weekend, and at last Master and I had an intensive play session. I was stressed out because my car was having troubles and I needed to travel 300+ miles the next day, so I asked Master if he could tie me up and help me relax.

He tied my wrists together and then bound them between my ankles; I felt very much like a trussed chicken (and, according to Master, looked like one, too), which made me feel both very silly and very vulnerable. I was also mildly embarrassed, which I liked; it added an extra shot of adrenaline.

Master spanked me for a bit, then pulled out a wood paddle that he found in one of the college dormitories, of all places. I've always found paddles to be rather intimidating; we don't use them often, and they look a lot more like actual weapons than other implements do, in my opinion. And do they ever sting! I haven't had a proper spanking in too long, so it was tough for me to take what Master dished out, but I think Master could tell, as he wasn't nearly as mean as he could have been.

My hands eventually started to go numb (I was lying on my side and my legs were squishing them), so Master loosed them and had me suck his cock for a while. At some point during all this, Lupa knocked and Master let her in. He wanted to show her what a lovely little pet he had - and she naturally wanted to play, too! So we got her out of her clothes right quick, and Master fucked both of our brains out while we used each other's shoulders and thighs as gags. Om nom nom. Lupa has a nice line of bruises now that I get to poke.

At one point, before Lupa joined in, Master ordered me to describe in detail what I was going to do with his cock. I'm often shy/awkward about dirty talk, which he's been trying to help me get over - but when I get all submissive and kitten-y I tend to get tongue-tied, so for a while all I could do was stammer, "Um, ah, Imma... um..." Master gently grasped my chin, turned my head to the side, and slapped my cheek. It wasn't very hard - the brief sting was nothing compared to what he does to my ass - but it was very... profound. It reinforced Master's dominance just as effectively, if not more so, than even a hard spanking.

"Use your words, Kitten," Master chastised. When I didn't get my act together quickly enough, he slapped me again, and finally my tongue was loosened enough to give a timid, but adequate, description of how I'd taste his cock.

Master had never slapped me before, and I distinctly remember thinking it was a hard limit of mine not too long ago. But I wasn't bothered by it at all; it was unexpected, sure, and I was pushed pretty deep into subspace from it, but not in a bad way. Perhaps I would have been set off if he'd done it harder, but Master didn't use much force at all; I imagine he was trying to go for a psychological effect instead of a physical one.

Interestingly, when he slapped my right cheek I didn't really flinch, but I shied away rather violently when he tried to slap my left cheek. (He just did the right cheek again, instead.) I think it's because I was in a play two years back in which I had to get slapped by another actor, and my right cheek was the one that was slapped. And we practiced that scene a lot - until I wouldn't flinch, since my character didn't know it was coming, even though I did. I had no idea that training was still ingrained in me.

Anyway, in all it was a lovely session. :)

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Unwarranted self-importance

Sometimes I get envious of Master because he gets to have all these fun sexcapades in the city while I'm stuck on campus in the boonies. Theoretically this shouldn't be a problem, since I've got scads of close friends who love cuddling and such, but somehow it never works out quite the way I'd like.

Master says I'm just not confident enough - that I need to take initiative more and seize the opportunity to get the people I fancy.

I think he has a point, but at the same time I don't want to get into the mindset that I deserve other people and that it's odd if people don't want to be with me. Such entitlement is repugnant, whether in a man or a woman.

But I don't know how to find the balance point yet. So I'm just going to sit here and be miserable for now.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Breath of fresh air

I recently participated in a photo shoot for C, a friend of mine. It was a "Last Supper"-esque tableau of several people in various states of undress doing kinky/bizarre things. My assigned role was pseudo-suspension; another student, H, who's a fellow shibari enthusiast rigged up a chest harness, tied my bent leg up to my chest, and then threw the slack over a hook in the ceiling while I sat on a cleverly-hidden stool. When the time came to take the picture, I wrapped the slack around my wrists, stood up so I was balancing on one foot, and voila! - the appearance of suspension without the actual hassle.

This was the first time since Master left that I got to participate in significant shibari, and it reminded me exactly what I love about it. The feeling of the rope against my skin, the meditative aspect of waiting patiently while all the knots are secured, and the aesthetic appeal of the ropes were all delicious, even though the sexual aspect was stripped as much as possible from the situation. (This was for art, after all; we needed to stay professional. Or as professional as one can be when frolicking around a room, naked.)

But the artistic atmosphere lent its own appeal. I love art, and I love performance, and I love consciously trying to pose my body in a way that is artistic. The concept of the body (male and female) as a work of art is one that I enjoy exploring; the human form was my favorite subject of my own photography, and one I was most successful in shooting, I think. So I got an intellectual thrill (and a way to indulge my vanity) from the shoot, too.

I wasn't the only one trussed up; Z, another friend of mine (who played the role of the "supper") was hog-tied on the table while wearing nothing but stilettos and panties. H used a technique that I don't think Master has ever used on me; it involved a series of loops - I think she called the knot a butterfly knot - around Z's arms, which were held extended behind her back. The results were breathtaking; it basically was one of these made out of rope. Having the rope loop around the heels of Z's stilettos (one of my favorite images when viewing shibari) only added to the awesomeness. (Z was also very pleased, of course.)

I'd known before then that H was interested in shibari, but I'd never really seen her work before, and I was blown away (as I told her many times). I kind of want to ask her to tie me up again - just tie me up and let me bask in the sensation for a while, maybe take some pictures for posterity - but she's a very shy woman and we're not terribly close. I think it'd be too awkward. However, when C found out I enjoy being tied up and photographed he said he'd might ask me to pose for him again. If it means I get to satiate my kink drive, I'm all for it!

Monday, October 26, 2009

For teh lulz

Master is pretending he's married for the purposes of getting a job; it's a lot easier for married men in his line of work, unfortunately. So, if anyone from his work asks, we were handfasted in a hot air balloon over Lake Michigan last summer, but we didn't get an official marriage because of all our gay friends. This isn't the first time we've pretended; while he was interning I was his "fiancee."

I know there's a long and proud history of fake marriages for teh lulz, but I was never one for Facebook romances. Don't ask me why, but for some reason I came to the conclusion long ago that marriage was Serious Fucking Business and you didn't joke around about being married - in fact, don't even say the m-word around your significant other because it means you're a clingy wacko who looks for way too much commitment too fast. So for Master and I to joke about who we got to play at our nonexistent wedding (and for him to say, "OMG! We're getting divorced!" when I admit ignorance about a band he mentioned) is kind of weird for me.

It's also weird that we're discussing marriage seriously too - from what our close friends' engagement means for our relationship to (sometimes heated) discussions about name changes to potential future kids. And even though we both agree we don't want to get married for a long time - we really do want to hold off until same-sex marriage is legal - the fact that discussing it seems like a good idea is... weird. As in I never expected it to happen. It's a good thing, no doubt; I'm glad we're both secure enough in this relationship that we can talk about it. But it still feels almost surreal for me.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Prurient interest

Last night Master had a foursome with three of his friends - two women and a man. He told me about it today, and I was just bursting with questions about it. I especially wanted to know about his interactions with his male friend - who, like Master, identifies as straight AFAIK. How much did they interact? Master says there was an air of competition between the two, and they would not-so-subtly compare techniques. He also said that he tied his friend up. Did he enjoy tying his male friend up? Did they do anything else together? Would he want to do something like that again?

I held back some of my questions because they were more about entertaining my fantasies of group sex with Master and another man (or men) than about helping Master process his feelings of the event. Sometimes I fear I'm a little too enthusiastic when Master shows even the slightest inkling of bisexual thoughts; I certainly don't want to pressure him, and I don't want to put my own fantasies above his comfort.

The only time I started getting some negative feelings was when Master started describing his domination of his friends in more detail. I really miss having him top me, and I felt lonely and envious of his friends that they were on the receiving end of his spankings and not me. I don't think I got enough of a kink fix the last time Master came up to visit; fortunately, he might be visiting again for Halloween, and even if he doesn't it'd be just a few more weeks until I go down to see him. Still, it feels like a long wait. :(

Wednesday, October 14, 2009


Updated January 2011

Tapeti, Master and I went over our relationship rules, since some of the ones we used to have are no longer relevant because we've changed as people, or our situations have changed.

  1. Be honest. And be proactive in your honesty - always disclose to the other partners if you share more than a kiss with someone.
  2. No hard drugs - this goes for us three as well as any outside partners. "Hard drugs" include WoW.
  3. Don't mess with virgins.
  4. No one else can act as our Master/kitten/bunny.
  5. No one else can touch my collar/grab my ankles. (This one was actually suggested by me - I get SUPER weirded-out and uncomfortable when someone besides those two touches my collar.)
  6. Always use condoms. Dental dams and latex gloves are not required.
  7. Get tested for STDs at least once a year.
  8. Don't have PIV or PIA sex with people that the other two haven't met.
All in all, a good set of rules, I think.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

"How lifestyle are you?"

The other day Ume sent me a link to a post on Reddit. I don't follow the site, but apparently they do this thing where someone posts "I am [brief, attention-grabbing description]. Ask me anything." And anyone curious can ask them a question about the OP's particular situation. The link he sent me was a woman in a "completely submissive" relationship with her fiancee, and he wanted to know my reaction to the questions and her answers.

My perception was that, for the most part, the questioners were genuinely curious and mostly respectful. There were a few smartass "I want me one of these," and "Make me a sammich," comments, and one or two "OMG ABUSIVE" remarks, but most of the people seemed to come from a position of just wanting to learn about a unique relationship style.

As for the OP, my reaction to her was similar to almost any other submissive woman's description of her relationship that I read; there were some parts that resonated deeply with me, and other parts that squicked me to no end. She spoke of how the strictness of their relationship had loosened over time, and I nodded; she said that her master would physically punish her when she misbehaved - not "punish" for fun, but truly punish her, and I almost threw the computer across the room in horror. But then she eloquently described how she'd do anything her master said, but she trusted him not to make her do anything ridiculous, and that trust was a huge part of the relationship, and I was all nods and appreciative noises again.

Lupa, who's rooming with me this year, saw the post as well, and brought it up while we were lounging in the living room. "So how lifestyle are you and [Master]?" she asked.

I pursed my lips, not sure how to answer the question. "Well... I don't wear this collar for fashion..."

"Yeah I know. I mean - does he make all the decisions for you? That kind of thing."

I shrugged. "Not... really. It's mostly that... sometimes I don't want to make a decision. And then I ask him to make it for me, and I trust him to make the best one."

Though Lupa was satisfied with the answer, I'm not sure if I accurately described our relationship. It's just so hard to feel like it's 24/7 when he's not here (or I'm not there). And most of the D/s in our relationship is just little things: I kneel beside him while he's at his computer and rest my head on his lap; I make the bed before we turn in; he gently grabs the scruff of my neck. Usually my deferral to him is so subconscious that I hardly even notice it; it's like second nature to me.

It might be time for Master and me to go over the "terms" of our D/s again, just to update anything that needs updating and to make sure we're still on the same page. Fortunately he's coming up to visit soon.

Sunday, September 27, 2009


I'm so glad that Master and I have talked about living together after I graduate. It gives me something to look forward to, and it also gives me a sense of security regarding the future. I don't know what kind of job I'm going to have (if I do get a job; one never knows in this economy) or what my house/apartment will be like or anything like that, but I know what city I'm going to (at first, at least; we may move depending on what kind of jobs there are), and I know Master will be there - constant and supportive.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Women's work

I visited Master this weekend, and as we walked down the sidewalk we noticed an unopened bottle of Corona. "You know, the Corona beer company is the only one owned by a woman," Dan said.

"That's really interesting because beer brewing used to be a female-dominated business," I replied, recalling a recent history lecture.

"What? When?"

"During the middle ages. It was one of the few ways a woman could own her own business. It was said - and there's some scientific evidence to back it up, but it's kinda eeeeh - that women are better at discerning temperature, and temperature control is really important during the fermenting process."

"Have you ever thought about brewing beer?"

I shrugged. "I've thought about making dandelion wine and the like, but not beer. I thought it'd be too difficult."

"I think you'd be really good at it," Master said enthusiastically. "I mean, you like science, you like chemistry - "

"And I like beer," I finished with a laugh.

"What if I got you a microbrewing kit? Would you like that?"

"Yeah, I would."

I've been thinking about the idea of femininity as a subculture. Like, there are activities that women have traditionally participated in, stories we've passed to one another, that kind of thing. How much of this culture should be cherished and carried on, and how much should be discarded as patriarchal baggage? How can we differentiate the two?

If I take up brewing beer because it used to be a feminine endeavor, am I being empowering? I want to say yes because the idea of anything beer-related being feminine has fallen far from society's consciousness. Also, beer-brewing used to be an avenue of power for women; I'd like to think I'm honoring those women who used brewing as a way to get some measure of control over their lives in a world that was far unfriendlier than the present day's.

Sunday, September 13, 2009


I'm going down to visit Master next Friday. In order to spend a decent amount of time with him, I'm leaving early Friday, which means skipping class. The question is... should I let my profs know I'm going to be gone, or just... not show up? Decisions...

Also, random observation of the day: the dreams that turn me on the most are the ones where I give blow jobs. More so than the ones were I have sex. Which, now that I think about it, are much less frequent.

Friday, September 4, 2009


I find one way to draw attention away from my collars, when I'm going to be in situations where I want to be a little more subtle, is (paradoxically) to wear a necklace or two with it.By pairing my collar with a necklace or two, the whole thing blends together and the collar itself stands out less.

My particular favorite combo is my white leather collar with a replica of the One Ring on a silver chain. :)

Okay, so it's not exactly "subtle," but punk rockers draw less attention than BDSMers.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

There and back again

Master came, and we had fun.

I was spanked, dominated, fucked for the first time in months. It was wonderful. We didn't even use any of the toys (other than my food dish), though I kind of wish we had. I just never thought to ask in the heat of the moment. And we needed to be careful of making too much noise much of the time.

We cuddled and cuddled and cuddled. I slept better than I have in weeks when I was next to him.

In a few weeks I'm going down to see him. Just a few weeks - not months, like it was last time.

I think we can do this.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Good luck sleeping tonight

Like an anxious cat, I've been fastidiously grooming myself in anticipation of Master's arrival. Trim and paint my nails, shower, shave, carefully lay out my outfit and my makeup, whiten my teeth, brush-floss-mouthwash.

Then double-check everything, just to make sure.

I have to make sure I'm my best for him.

By now he's already on the bus over here. I can't wait!

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Nerd alert - a second look at Revolutionary Girl Utena

When I was in high school, I fell in love with a manga series called Revolutionary Girl Utena. The plot is rather complicated (and doesn't make a whole lot of sense, tbh), but the gist is something like this: Utena (the girl with pink hair) is saved as a little girl by a strange, noble man whom she considers her "prince." She decides that she must do everything she can to become a "prince" herself in honor of this man, and during her search for her childhood benefactor she winds up at a private boarding school.

At this school, the members of the student council participate in secret ritual duels over the hand of the "Rose Bride," Anthy (the girl with purple/black hair). Whoever consummates their marriage with the Rose Bride gains the godlike powers of a being alternatively referred to Dios and World's End. Utena, ignorant of the mystical stuff going on, is disgusted by some of the members' treatment of Anthy and takes it upon herself to become Anthy's "prince" - to protect her from mistreatment - and unknowingly/unwillingly gets drawn into the struggle to claim World's End.

When I first read the series, I enjoyed it because I identified strongly with Utena - playing with traditionally masculine ideas such as being a "prince" and athletic, but still with feminine touches, such as long pink hair and good fashion sense. I also liked that Utena and Anthy, at least superficially, resembled me and my then-girlfriend - though she was bi-racial Latina/Native American instead of Indian, as Anthy appears to be, and though my girlfriend was far from the feminine, passive person that Anthy was (and was, in fact, a better athlete than me). It was also one of the only lesbian manga series widely known at the time (to me, anyway) so there was a bit of a "beggars can't be choosers" thing going on.

Re-reading it several years later, I'm a little less enthusiastic about it. First, the lesbian themes in it aren't nearly as strong as they seemed at first. There's one side character who's explicit about her crush on Utena, but as far as a relationship between Utena and Anthy, it doesn't seem to progress a whole lot beyond friendship. Though the two are technically "engaged" for most of the series, Utena is actively fighting to dismantle that concept and is more concerned with helping Anthy grow into her own than forging a close relationship. They only share one little kiss during the "consummation ceremony" - and then (SPOILER ALERT), since the whole thing was just a charade to trap Utena, the actual "consummation" is Utena being symbolically penetrated by Anthy's brother. Kind of the opposite of lesbianism. Perhaps Utena and Anthy's relationship is more explicit in the anime or the OVA; I haven't seen either.

I also examined the idea of sexual servitude more closely this time around, for obvious reasons. Anthy, as the Rose Bride, is bound to be completely servile to whomever "wins" her in a duel. Though the sexual implications aren't brought up explicitly, it's not much of a stretch to figure them out. The concepts of sexual coercion and power in general are brought up multiple other times, mostly involving various men attempting to control Utena or Anthy. The way these themes are handled left me feeling... ambivalent?

For most of the series, Anthy is little more than a passive receptacle for the desires of others. Though she comes into her own at the end of the series (with Utena's help), I felt like the reasons why she was so submissive in the first place weren't adequately explored. Love for her "brother(s?)" played a strong part, but I felt that was kind of a cop-out. How was Anthy's love different from Utena's protective love? Was it different? Most of the time it was almost impossible to tell when Anthy was telling the truth, which, while it made her a more interesting character, makes it different to tease out the true nature of her submission.

Also, while power dynamics of many configurations play out between both men and women, it is only when men exert power over women that power takes on a sexual tone. At one point a character, describing another's manipulations, says that it's all the same - man or woman. But it's not, regardless of whether we want it to be; to ignore that fact passes up a great opportunity to explore.

There's also the problematic construct of "prince=protector/princess=protected." While Revolutionary Girl explicitly says that both men and women can be princes and princesses (and gives examples of female princes and male princesses), I'm not sure if it's really all that subversive or revolutionary. Princes have been rescuing princesses for centuries; isn't it just confirming old gender roles? *shrugs*

Sunday, August 9, 2009


I love Eddie Izzard. He's funny as hell and attractive to boot. (There's something alluring about a guy in heels and lipstick.) However, in terms of the concept of "performing gender," I'm a wee bit confused.

See, despite wearing traditionally feminine clothes, I'm not sure that Izzard is actually "performing femininity" when he cross-dresses. When I watch him perform while cross dressing it doesn't seem like he's trying to act feminine. He maintains his masculine voice and speech patterns and uses traditionally masculine gestures. He's not trying to hide the fact that he's a man, you know?

During one of his routines, Izzard talks about wearing false breasts. Occasionally he'll go to the store or wherever while wearing them, and he's invariably called, "sir," which he finds bemusing because guys usually don't have breasts. Of course, I haven't seen him during these trips, but I wonder if it isn't because, like during his stand-up, he isn't adopting any traditionally feminine behavior.

So is Izzard performing femininity? For me, I make the association of "performance" with "acting," but is that a valid connection in this case? Performing femininity seems to be two-part: one behavioral and one visual. Can/should we separate the two? It could be valid in some cases, perhaps.

I don't have an answer to any of these questions. I do know that Izzard is amazing, though.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009


Living in a conservative state is making me all jaded and cynical. :/ I wanna go hoooome!

Friday, July 31, 2009

Performing gender

It's hot during the summer. (Duh.) Since I spend a good portion of the day in a "professional" office environment and shorts are considered too casual (so far), that means I wear a lot of skirts. I don't mind this at all - skirts can be very comfortable, and a nice breeze in the crotch region can be very refreshing!

Anyway, one thing I've noticed is that, in conjunction with wearing traditionally feminine clothes more, I also perform other aspects of femininity more - specifically wearing makeup - when I'm dressed for my internship. (When I'm just doing whatever, I don't bother.) Normally I don't wear any makeup at all, save for a couple dots of concealer if I've got blemishes. However, over the summer I've fallen in love with eyeshadow. I've got several different palettes now in varying colors - some subdued, others more outré - and one of my most enjoyable parts of my morning routine is picking my eyeshadow for the day and applying it.

I think some of it has to do with the fact that I bought actual brushes for applying it - instead of just the little sponge wand that comes with the compact. Something about using brushes makes it all seem more theatrical, which I think is a lot of the appeal. I love acting and performing, taking on different roles, and makeup can be a part of that; when I put it on, I'm playing the role of Young Professional - or perhaps Funky Clubber, if I'm going out to the bar. These are characters written by society, but I can take these roles, examine them, adopt them, and play with my own interpretation of them.

No doubt this also has to do with why I love drag - again, I'm playing with gender performance, just with the gender I usually don't identify with. I get a thrill out of adopting an appearance and mannerisms that are relatively foreign to me and seeing if I can perform them to others' satisfaction. Do I make a convincing guy? (I've been told I make an attractive guy, which is a start.) Do I want to pass completely, or do I want to just confuse people because it's fun? It depends on my mood, really; again, I adopt the masculine roles to suit my fancy in that particular instance.

Later I'll make a post about drag kings vs. drag queens vs. cross-dressers, if I remember.

Friday, July 24, 2009


So. We've got this comic, which I'm guessing (from the language used) was made by an anti-BDSM radfem. Hm. Two reactions:

1) That third panel makes me cringe. If there's one thing that I've learned from intersectionalist analysis, it's that comparing one form of oppression to another (as in, "X oppression is just like Y!") is almost always problematic. And this particular example strikes me as less satirical and more... straight-up racist. I dunno - there's something about the use of a blackface character (in front of a black background, no less) with a "U.S.S. Kinky" hat talking in a stereotypical "darkie" accent that... it seems as though the creator of this comic doesn't really care about fighting racism and instead is just using provocative imagery to vilify BDSM. Because comparing kink to blackface? Really? Really?!

2) In the very next panel, the first sailor points out he can't help that he's turned on by women in bondage, while the second sailor (i.e. the mouthpiece for the creator) pontificates at length about how "this stuff" (I'm assuming he/the author means bondage porn) promotes violence against women at the expense of love and intimacy ("though there's nothing wrong with erotica," of course*). Meanwhile, Wonder Woman, who's hog-tied, says, "Hey guys! I think my feet are falling asleep!" But, of course, she's ignored.

I think this particular panel neatly encapsulates a lot of debate over BDSM (and porn, and basically any type of sex work, too). On the one hand, you've got the average consumer, who says, "I like what I like! Besides, I love women!" On the other hand, you've got the mostly radfem types who pontificate at length about how BDSM/porn/sex work/all of the above degrades all women, full stop. And the women actually involved in BDSM/porn/sex work/all of the above, who have the most to contribute to the conversation, are ignored by both sides.

But I don't think that's the point the author wanted to make.


*How does that old saying, go again? Something along the lines of, "What I like is erotica and is beautiful; what you like is pornography and is disgusting."

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Public Enemies

I saw Public Enemies this weekend, and I have two main reactions to it (relevant to this blog, anyway):

1) I found John Dillinger and Billie Frechette's relationship to be really... problematic at first. The one scene I'm thinking of in particular is when he visits her at her job as a coat checker; he's mad at her for leaving without him the night (or maybe a few nights; can't remember) before, and wants to convince her to come with him.

Now, remember that they've only met once before. But he explicitly says that she's his girl and she's coming with him. She protests of course, saying she's not anyone's girl. Meanwhile, a customer is getting irritated that Billie is arguing with John instead of doing her job and starts making snarky remarks to that effect. John gets annoyed with the customer, beats him upside the head, and grabs Billie's coat, ordering her to come with him.

Okay. She knows that he's a criminal who's killed several people. She just saw him assault a random stranger just because he got annoyed. And now he's ordering her to come with him. Shit, I wouldn't be surprised if she was too scared to protest! Given his actions toward her, it's very reasonable to think he'd hurt or kill her if she didn't do what he said!

But we're supposed to believe that no, no, she truly deeply loves him (and he truly deeply loves her) and they're a match made in heaven. :/

2) After Billie is arrested, she's tortured by one of the police in an attempt to learn where Dillinger is. She's handcuffed to a chair, verbally abused and threatened, slapped, and even hit with (what looks like) a phone book at one point. They leave her chained to the chair for so long that she wets herself, and when Melvin Purvis finally rescues her, she so weak that she can't walk; he has to carry her through the crowd of people to the bathroom so she can clean herself up.

As I watched that scene, her dress soaked as she clung to Purvis's neck, all I could think was, She must be so embarrassed. And I felt my heart beat faster and my body tense up, and I realized that I wanted to feel that embarrassment... kind of.

I imagined the intense conflict running through Billie's mind. On the one hand, I imagined, she was grateful that someone was finally helping her. On the other hand, she was ashamed that she was caught in such a powerless condition - that she even needed help walking down the hall. And then there'd be her pride; she wouldn't want everyone to see her reduced in this way, but there was no way she could avoid having all those people see her.

It's that conflict that I wanted - to know that something needs to be done but one's sense of pride or whatever screams "no."

But if Master and I work with this in future play sessions, we'll have to be really careful. How do we avoid going over the edge into genuine nonconsent? How can we make sure that we both truly enjoy the event, while still capturing that pull of wills, pride against pragmatism, that grabs my guts and makes me gasp?

What activities could we do? Perhaps a role-play of a similar scenario, where Master interrogates me for information. I enjoyed the mild embarrassment and sense of helplessness when we used an enema; that might be worth pursuing. Obviously nothing as extreme as what was depicted in the movies; I don't actually want to be beaten until my face is swollen, and I'm ambivalent about wetting myself. It'll all have to be carefully negotiated before we try anything.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

I'm all alone...

I looked up bisexual and lesbian groups in my area... they all seem to be defunct.

Le sad. :(

Saturday, July 11, 2009

King of the World

Lately I've been thinking a lot about gender play. I've participated in my college's drag show a couple times and have played male roles in theater, and I've always had a blast doing so. Recently I've been getting the itch to grab some ace bandages and do it again.

I think part of it is because I'm apart from Master - in fact, I know it is. Master makes me feel very feminine; the heterosexuality of our relationship is undeniable, even though I'm not straight and we're far from a normal couple. I feel strange - uncomfortable - whenever I interact with Master while I'm in drag; kitten is not masculine, and it seems dishonest to act so around Master even in an non-sexual context. (Though, interestingly, the one time I've seen Master in drag (he was Nurse Joker for Halloween) I thought he looked absolutely incredible.)

But left to my own devices, I tend to be more androgynous. I've been mistaken for a man before (though that's rare), and - as mentioned above - I love cross-dressing in non-sexual contexts. I've also had male/masculine sexual fantasies before, too. They were mostly when I was first realizing my bisexual identity - I'd have fantasies of fucking my female crushes as a man - and once I became secure in my sexual identity they fell by the wayside.

So maybe this is an upside to Master being gone this next year - I can explore my masculine/androgynous side more easily. I'll be in the drag show again, of course, and maybe I'll look into performing drag after college too. When I told a friend of mine that I'd counter the girliness of my townhouse (it'll be all-women next year instead of the usual 50/50 split) by cross-dressing, I was only half-joking. Maybe I'll talk to Lupa about doing some gender-play with her.

We'll see how it goes.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009


I'm out-of-state for the summer, living with extended family. I only see them once every handful of years, so we're not terribly close. To be very blunt, I don't have any friends here.

It's like I was floating around in a little bubble of isolation - serene, calm, content with the everyday, superficial interaction with people at work, on the train, whatever. At home I had the forced familiarity of roommates, mixed with the forced familiarity of family relation.

Then I met this guy during a Fourth of July festival. We started talking and walked around the main drag after the fireworks before exchanging numbers and going our separate ways. I told Master about it, and he seemed amused more than anything.

But I've been all out of sorts. Having been faced with the possibility of an actual friend - the first one in over a month - I'm all a-fluster. I don't know what to do! I've never made friends outside of an academic context. I don't know how this whole "calling back" thing works. Add to this that I have a boyfriend I should tell the person about, which I also don't know how to do politely/effectively and don't even have the resources of mainstream society to learn from.

But I do really want a friend. My bubble's been popped; I'm no longer insulated against the sting of loneliness. Nggggh.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Well, I know what I won't be watching this summer

The most recent Gerard Butler "romantic" "comedy" is called The Ugly Truth.

At one point in the trailer, while giving advice to Katherine Heigl's character, Butler's character says, "You have to be two people: the librarian and the stripper."


Librarian: connotations of primness, propriety, "bookishness," intellectualism, prudishness, etc.

Stripper: connotations of sexiness, promiscuity, sexual experience, etc.

So you have to be... both a virgin... and a whore!



You know, watching the trailer for this movie, I can honestly say I've never seen a mainstream movie that more explicitly moralizes against feminist ideas. I mean, it literally says that men are nothing but sex-hungry, ravenous beasts (wow... who knew that anti-feminism was also so anti-male) and that any career woman who demands such outlandish things as a man who respects her for her intelligence and success should just shut up because that's not gonna happen anytime soon, amirite? And would it kill them to show more cleavage once in a while? GAWD.

Excuse me for a moment. *grabs a case of dynamite and a bus ticket to Hollywood*

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Off-the-cuff response to a recent "scientific" study

A local news station did a segment on a study conducted recently on what men and women perceive as "attractive" in the opposite sex. To their credit, they included a wide range of ages for both sexes - I think it was from mid-twenties to late sixties.

Ignoring the heteronormativity of the study for a moment (did they ensure that those surveyed were actually attracted to the opposite sex, or did they just assume it?), there were several things problematic with it.

First, it found that men were attracted to women who are young and "beautiful." As the news anchor said, "duh." But wait a minute - what do they mean by "beautiful"? Are we going by the scientists' standard, or the standard of society at large or what?

This fuzzy terminology is made more problematic because the study claims that men have a narrower perception of attractiveness than women, who were all over the place (cuz who knows what women want, amirite?). But depending on how you're defining "beautiful," you could include a very large or very small portion of the population.

Could it be that hetero men are afforded a wider definition of "beautiful" than women because of their priveleged position in society? A narrow definition of "beautiful" is one more way to control women - you must adhere to this unreasonable standard to be accepted in society, and since few to no women can meet that standard, society is justified in giving them the shaft, etc etc. This is a pretty basic idea in feminism.

Conversely - could it be that, because women are assumed to be "non-visually" stimulated, society has focused less on what women find visually attractive and therefore women have been given more freedom to develop their tastes without societal pressure? Think about it - there's really only one type of woman that's portrayed as "attractive" in mass media: thin, white, young, large-breasted, etc. If that's the only option that men are given, then of course that's what they're going to find attractive; to be attracted to (or admit being attracted to, at least) anything else is to be labeled a deviant, a weirdo, a freak, what have you.

The study concluded that men (the poor dears) would have a harder time finding a "mate" (their word) because there would be higher competition for fewer women.

And yet it seems that hetero and bisexual men across America have no problem falling deeply, passionately, head-over-heels in love with all types of women - large, small, black, white, brown, able-bodied, disabled, you name it. Isn't that something to be considered?

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Raging Lesbian!

For some reason I've found it incredibly important recently to let the world know that I love women. Maybe it's a side-effect of talking about Master all the time (which I really can't help; he's almost all I think about). Every time I have a particularly hetero moment (ogling a hot guy; gushing over how awesome Master is; what have you), I have to resist the urge to say, "BTW I LOVE THE PUSSY," or something to that effect.

Unfortunately, the state I'm in right now isn't exactly the most gay-friendly. :( I have no idea where the gay district is! What am I gonna dooooooooo?

Tuesday, June 16, 2009


Sometimes I'm afraid that I've been too happy.

Sometimes I'm afraid that I don't deserve Master.

Sometimes I'm afraid that I've been ungrateful.

And so sometimes I fear that the universe will take Master away from me.

I fear I'll be left all alone.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Tuesday, June 2, 2009


I found this lovely erotic comic (many parts NSFW, obviously) the other day. It's the right balance of plot and sex, the drawing style is charming, and it's neo-Victorian sci-fi to boot! My fave.

I'm not sure why I enjoy the idea of robot sex or mechanical sex. I suppose a lot of it has to do with being a sci-fi geek (or am I a sci-fi geek because I enjoy robot sex? :o), and with the fantastical nature of it. I mean, how wild is having sex with a robot, amirite?

Looked at from another angle, I like the idea of being hooked up to a sex machine and being completely helpless while forced into the throes of ecstasy. Ties back into my "mad scientist" fantasy, I suppose.

Though the real-life "sex machines" that I've seen available have been kinda "meh" for me. Maybe it's one of those things that's much better in my head than in real life.

Friday, May 29, 2009


The place I'm working at this summer is much more "professional" than my previous jobs, which means no walking around in dog collars like I'm wont to do on a normal basis. I have several nice chokers that are very formal/professional, but unfortunately those tend to be more fragile and several of them are broken. (There's a reason I prefer regular pet collars!)

My mother has used this job as an excuse to buy me an entire new wardrobe, and she's intent on getting accessories to go with. It's difficult for me because I can't just say, "No, I can't/don't want to wear a regular necklace because I need to wear a collar or choker to symbolize my relationship with [Master]." I'm sure if she knew I was only interested in chokers it'd cut down on browsing time a lot, but as it stands I just wind up shaking my head a lot.

Monday, May 25, 2009


I didn't cry when he tied me down for the last time, when my ass turned crimson from his blows for the last time.

I didn't shed a tear when we woke up next to each other, the morning light making our skin glow as we held each other, for the last time.

I was all smiles when I watched him walk down the aisle in his black robes to receive his diploma, ending his career at our college.

I laughed and chatted as we drank hot chocolate and apple cider together for the last time.

And as our hands parted for the last time, I kept a strong face.

But that night, after a long ride home, when I was alone in my bed - so big and empty - with no one to hold on to, no one to kiss good night...

That was when I cried.

Saturday, May 16, 2009


I'm in the midst of writing a poem about how Master makes me feel. When I get a good first draft, I will post it here. It uses imagery that's considerably more violent than I usually use, but not in a bad way. We'll see how it works.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Angry kitty

Thursday night Master and I had an excellent play session. It wasn't terribly fancy - mostly just tying up and spanking - but there were some new twists that I really enjoyed.

First Master had me take off my shirt and underwear, keeping on just my little green punk skirt. Then he bound my arms and legs with thick black rope, winding the rope down my arms and up my calves to keep me from twisting them. He blindfolded me and gave me an incredible spanking, switching between the wooden paddle, his hand, and the riding crop. Master was absolutely merciless, and he definitely pushed my pain tolerance. Then he fingered my bum; I can take two fingers now, though not very far.

After being fingered I realized I needed to pee, and I asked Master if I could go to the bathroom. "You may," he said. "Stand up." I struggled to my feet - still tied and blindfolded - and he slung me over his shoulder and carried me to the toilet. He left so I could pee, and when I was done he came back in. I was having trouble wiping because of how my wrists were tied, and he asked, "Do you need help?"

"Ummm... uh... yes," I admitted in a tiny voice. Master took the tissue from my hand and gently, ever so gently, wiped me clean. Then, just like that, he hoisted me over his shoulder again and carried me back to the bedroom, where he threw me down on the bed.

I think that was the tipping point for me. Needing help going to the bathroom had already made me feel deeply submissive; being bound, blindfolded, and completely disoriented as he tossed me around, depending entirely on his ability to keep me from harm - that sent me flying away into Kitten-land fast. Master lay down on the bed beside me and gave my butt a smack, making me mew. "There's my kitten," he murmured.

He fucked me hard and fast, and something about that night - I'm still not sure what - made me go a little crazy. I was yowling, clawing at the sheets, tearing at my bonds with my teeth. I wanted to rip something apart, to feel the rush that comes with destruction. I think it's called "displaced aggression" - when an animal is harassed by a dominant animal, they direct their frustration at something else (usually someone lower on the pecking order or an inanimate object) because they can't fight back. It was like that, but I wasn't mad at Master or anything. I loved it! I wanted to take all this energy, all this violence that he was pouring into me and direct it somewhere else to show him how fierce of a kitty he can make me.

Afterwards, Master held me as I trembled, stroking my skin and making reassuring noises. I was jumpy; I was on edge. When he touched me, I reflexively nipped at him, biting whatever was closest to my teeth. After this happened a couple times, Master decided he wouldn't have any more of it and grabbed the scruff of my neck, gently but firmly. I coiled, then relaxed under his grip; the energy dissipated, and all I wanted to do was fall into a deep, contented sleep.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Uh-huh, right

The BBC posted an article about (yet another) male hormonal contraceptive being tested. This one's an injection of testosterone that suppresses the production of sperm. I'm skeptical about this one panning out; word of another male HBC in the pipes pops up every couple of months and somehow the funding always dries up, despite sustained interest by men.

But what really got me was this: "Previous attempts to develop an effective and convenient male contraceptive have encountered problems over reliability and side effects, such as mood swings and a lowered sex drive." (Emphasis mine.)

Mood swings? Lowered sex drive? What, you mean the exact same side effects women deal with EVERY DAY when they're on HBC?

Oh wait, I forgot - women are moody, hormonal, and hate sex anyway, so who cares if they get those side effects?

Give me a break.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

I got very little sleep

Beltaine was fun, for the most part. Master, Lupa and I went to the beach and set up a (slightly illegal) camp. We had delicious hobo stew for dinner, lounged around and played the harmonica and banjo, and generally had a fine time. Once it was dark, we stripped naked and jumped over the campfire before running back to the tent. It was cold at first, but we were able to warm the tent up pretty quick. ;)

We ended up not bringing enough padding/blankets, so I didn't actually get any sleep that night, being squished between the other two, but otherwise it was fun.

The night before, Master and I talked about polyamory, specifically my propensity for it, about how I'm only jealous if I'm not friends with whomever Master sleeps with. I also get a little twinge of jealousy if he doesn't come inside me during group sex, but it's not that huge a deal for me. I think it's an evolutionary holdover - his genetic material is for me, goddamn it - and therefore pretty easy to rationalize into submission.

Master also talked about how, when it came down to it, he doesn't think he could have sex with a guy. "That usually means you're straight, you know," I said teasingly. He agreed to an extent, but said he's still figuring out his identity. I remember when I was coming into my identity as queer in high school; it wasn't always fun. Hopefully Master will have an easier time of it, whatever conclusion he reaches. Whatever happens, I'll definitly be willing to lend a supportive ear and mind.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Role reversal

Poor Master was really sick a few days ago; my maternal instinct kicked in and I was fawning over him constantly, making sure he got enough sleep and enough water and so on. He's much better now, fortunately. :)

I remember one time I told Master I felt that protecting someone else was a very feminine act. It makes me think of mother bears who will tear a person to shreds if they get too close to her cubs, or a wolf who will viciously protect her pups. There's so much talk about fathers "protecting the family," but more often than not the mother is the last line of defense against a threat. (Not to impugn the fathers of the world; being a dad is just as hard as being a mom, just in different ways.)

Friday, April 17, 2009


I'm reading Ambiguity and Sexuality: A Theory of Sexual Identity by William S. Wilkerson. In it, Wilkerson (a philosopher who identifies as gay) lays out his theory on how sexual identity - any sexual identity - is constructed.

And "constructed" is the key word, since he rejects the view of many gay rights activists that one is simply "born gay." He contends (and I agree with him) that such a position is merely a knee-jerk reaction to anti-gay criticisms of "choosing a sinful lifestyle" or what have you. This entire "choice vs. genetics" debate - like its close relative, the "nature vs. nurture" debate - is a false dichotomy which leads to both sides being wrong.

I'm only about a third of the way through the book (it's a slow read; he uses a lot of academic jargon and I haven't formally studied philosophy in three years), but a summary of his thesis - filtered through my own interpretation - goes something like this:

There probably is a genetic predisposition to homosexual or heterosexual desires. Some people's genes make them more likely to have one or the other. Then, almost immediately, you have the influence of prenatal conditions on the development of the brain, which can change whether and how these genes express themselves. After birth, children are right away conditioned with society's construction of gender: boys are given trucks and blue clothes, girls are given dolls and pink clothes, all before they can even speak. And, because gender and sexual orientation are almost inexorably tied together in our culture, children are taught that liking boys is "girly" and liking girls is "boyish."

Now, there's going to be a lot of variation in children's upbringing. Some parents/teachers/neighbors are going to be more open-minded about gender expression than others, so some will say it's perfectly okay for girls to play with army men or whatever, and some will refer the kid to a shrink. All these experiences are filtered through children's brains and interpreted based on the outcomes of previous experiences and that little thing called free will, which allows people to outright reject what society tells them.

So it basically goes like this: desire -> interpretation of desire -> acting (or not) upon desire based on interpretation -> societal reaction -> interpretation of societal reaction -> adjustment to sexual paradigm -> interpretation of next desire based on new paradigm -> and the cycle continues again and again and again throughout the course of a person's life. There is no beginning or end to this circle; even before the first desire came about, people still had a rudimentary sexual paradigm based on what they see around them, which was in turn colored by their internal thoughts and feelings. Eventually, people build up mental maps that they use to interpret their sexual desires and actions, and depending on how they've constructed their maps they may adopt many different identities based on similar personal histories.

Take me, for example. I didn't have any conscious attraction to other women until high school. I'd had one boyfriend previously, but I never really cared for him; I just was in a relationship because it seemed like a desireable thing. Now, given these facts, I could have determined that I really didn't like men at all - that I had just been told by society to be heterosexual, when in "reality" I was solely attracted to women. My feelings for women at the time certainly seemed much more real and intense than anything I'd ever felt for guys.

Conversely, because of my budding feminist consciousness at the time, I could have concluded that my attractions to women were the result of internalizing the male gaze - that is, I was so used to seeing women portrayed through the lens of heterosexual male experience (i.e. as objects of desire), I basically was trained to desire them myself. I certainly remember thinking about how women were just inherently prettier than men, and so much nicer to look at/draw.* Therefore, my same-sex attractions weren't "real" - they were a result of patriarchal conditioning.

However, I chose neither of these options. I chose to accept my same-sex desires as "genuine", while acknowledging my history of being attracted to men. Therefore, I concluded, I am bisexual. The thing is, though, I did not make the "right" decision. NONE of these possibilities I've just outlined are "wrong" or "right." They're just different decisions, and it wouldn't have really mattered which one I chose. I'm incredibly happy with where I am right now in my sexuality, but choosing another identity for myself would have set me on a completely different trajectory, and I probably would have been just as happy there, too.

I suppose the point I'm trying to make is that, yes, sexual identity is constructed - both consciously and unconsciously - out of our desires and experiences and interpretations, but just means that no one form of sexuality is more "valid" than another. If a woman's been in a heterosexual marriage for fourty years, then decides to divorce and adopt a lesbian identity, she's no "less" of a lesbian than a woman who's been solely attracted to other women as long as she can remember. The only thing that matters is how one personally interprets and understands one's sexual identity - and that others respect one's sexual identity.

*Now I think that's just silly. Both men and women are beautiful - just for different reasons. And it really makes me sad that men aren't used as artistic nudes, etc, more often.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

The May Rite

Beltaine is fast approaching. Lupa has mentioned a desire to talk about any possible plans, though it's possible she may wish to abstain this year out of respect to her newest love interest. Regardless, Master has talked about going camping and celebrating the "old-fashioned" way - i.e. jumping over a fire and having sex in the woods instead of getting drunk and having sex in the bedroom. No matter how many people are ultimately involved, it should be fun.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Bye bye

Master is gone for the week. Woe is me! *flails*

It seems fitting that my school's Alliance (including me) is observing the Day of Silence today.*

*The actual National Day of Silence is a few weeks from now, but we won't be in class that day.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Types of submission

So there are two different major kinds of submission, as I've figured. I call them "submission" vs. "subjugation" - that is, willing and accepting subs versus what're commonly called "bratty" or "smart-ass" subs. In both cases the sub willingly submits, but in the first they don't struggle while in the second they like to challenge the Dom.

In my relationship with Master, I'm more of the first kind; I don't really resist when Master ties me up or anything like that - I can't bring myself to! On the other hand, when I'm looking at BDSM erotica, I prefer to see some element of struggle or conflict; it's more visually compelling, I think.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Progress & expectations

I'm coming along well in my anal training. I can take Master's cock a good way past the head now, or so he says. I can't really see - but it feels like a lot! The biggest obstacle I need to overcome is the width, methinks.

Master also administered an anal douche last week. It was a very strange experience; the water was very warm, and it made me feel all full and a little bloaty. We did a bit of impromptu medical roleplay, where he was a kind, young country doctor running a clinic out of his home and I was his shy, embarrassed patient. It was fun, but I think what I really want from medical scenes is the evil!doctor - something closer to a mad scientist figure - that subjects poor widdle me to all sorts of nasty experiments.

Kind doctors aren't terribly sexy to me because they aren't a fantasy; they're the kind of doctors I meet in real life. I've had the fortune of never being subjected to immoral medical practices, so I can afford to build up images in my head of a cruel doctor without having to actually experience the terror of being medically violated.

In that way, I suppose, its similar to how/why I experience rape fantasies. Though obviously people who have similar fantasies are going to have vastly different reasons. Kind of like convergent evolution - starting from disparate psychologies, two people can reach similar sexual profiles.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Oh lawdy, is dat sum kink in mah

And so the old battle lines are drawn once again.

Though there is some interesting (genuine) discussion going on, you have to wade through the results of a half-dozen pissing contests to find it.

*debates whether it would be productive to actually comment there*

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Keep your friends close

I find it interesting that, when Master has sexual relations with someone else, I'm only jealous if it's not a friend of mine. When he had sex with Spot - even though he ask/inform me before it happened - I felt no jealousy whatsoever. It was weird, because I tried to feel jealous (it seemed like I should have) but I just couldn't. On the other hand, when he started hanging out and cuddling with a girl on campus I didn't know too well, the jealousy almost ate me up.

Very strange. I wonder if many other nonmonogamous people feel the same way.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Lingerie Party & the Quad

We've had a lingerie party twice a year since winter of my freshman year. What I find most amusing is that they seem to resemble play parties more and more every time. The number of kinky (or even just kink-friendly) people on campus is astonishingly high, especially considering how small a campus it is. Master wanted to make a paddle horse for it (and for us to use afterwards ^_^) , but unfortunately we weren't able to get the tools we needed. Hopefully we can still make one regardless.

Still, he brought several toys along with, like his riding crop and our little flogger and some rope. There was a couch in the kitchen that we could lay people over, and sometimes Master would lend his toys to the other tops at the party, who made good use out of them. One top in particular - he was dressed in a pseudo-gladitorial leather outfit he made himself - wielded the flogger incredibly. The way he moved seemed absolutely effortless, yet with just the smallest movement he made the falls of the flogger just fly. It was incredible. :3

Furby came up for the lingerie party - the first time she's ever been able to visit. We've had sexual encounters in the past, even though she identifies as straight. Not too surprisingly, we had another one at the party... and afterwards. She and I, along with Lupa and Master, played together - though, since Furby's not to interested in kink, there wasn't much actual bondage and such. Mostly just sex.

In the same way a threesome is way different from a twosome, even though you're only adding one person, a foursome is way different from a threesome. Whereas a threesome has a single (albeit constantly shifting) dynamic, a foursome is more like two twosomes that occasionally switch. Or maybe a threesome with a voyeur, if one person is tired. The point is, it's different.

Up to this point, all the women I've been with have been very curvy - a lot more volumptuous than me, as I'm fairly slight. Furby has a similar body type as me, yet it felt very alien to interact with. She felt so delicate; I was afraid I'd break her like a china doll if I bit to hard. But she didn't act delicate at all - nosirree. In fact, Furby holds the distinction of being the first person to give Master a hickey! The way she touched, the way she kissed... it was frantic, furtive, hungry. And yet she was also endearingly awkward.

Lupa had to get up relatively early, but Master, Furby, and I lounged around in bed for a while afterwards. Furby was... a little awkward, but I don't really blame her. It was her first time having sex with more than one person at a time, after all. ;D She had to leave for her college around noon; I called her the day after, and she seemed to be doing well. I'll be checking up on her again in the past few days, just to make sure she isn't all turmoily and such. Such things happen sometimes.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Light reading

I just finished reading Looking Both Ways: Bisexual Politics by Jennifer Baumgardner. I was eager to read it, as every time I check out the "GLBT Issues" section of a bookstore or library it's woefully lacking in specifically bisexual topics. However, I was a little underwhelmed by this book.

Part memoir of Baumgardner's own coming into her bisexual identity, LBW also looks at female bisexuality from historical, feminist, and sociological perspectives. One of the main questions raised by the book is why so many more women today are, if not embracing the bisexual identity, certainly participating in bisexual activities. Baumbardner's thesis is that it is a result of the "incomplete work of the feminist movement."

In short, she posits that, because of the Second Wave of feminism, young women today now know they are entitled to an equal, respectful, and fulfilling relationship. However, since obviously sexism still exists, they often have a hard time getting such a relationship with men. Thanks to the Third Wave, young women are secure enough in their sexuality to search for that ideal relationship elsewhere - i.e. with other women. So more women are having relationships with women to better understand, consciously or not, what they want from men.

It's an interesting concept, one that's never really occurred to me before. I've never consciously applied a philosophy to my sexuality; it's been entirely visceral. I like him, I like her. It just happens. And while my current relationship with Master is certainly healthier than my first (and only other) significant relationship with a guy, I think that has more to do with simple maturity than the intervening lesbian romances. I'm also unsure how I feel about the concept. On the one hand, I think the idea of women (or men, but the book specifically addresses women) exploring who they are and what they want out of a partner is an awesome idea. On the other hand, I worry it may fall back into the same old trope of "bisexuality as a phase," something that women grow out of once they've figured out what they want.

I don't feel that Baumgardner addresses this concern adequately - indeed, she seems to have written the entire book while wearing rose-tinted glasses. She seems blithely unaware that bisexuals are, by and large, more reviled by the general populace than homosexuals (something I found out, to my surprise, when doing research for a Sociology paper). While it's cute/hot/edgy for a woman to make out with another woman at the bar, to be bisexual means you're a slut/promiscuous/STD-riddled/commitment-phobe, what have you. There's a disconnect between acceptable female bisexuality (done for the viewing pleasure of men) and unacceptable bisexuality (done because the woman damn well feels like it), and Baumbardner only touches on this rift before moving on to how awesome Ani DiFranco is.

And that's another thing - who the fuck cares about Ani DiFranco? Baumgardner devotes an entire chapter (and good portions of the rest of the book) to how influential DiFranco has been in helping young queer women come into their own, but, frankly, I don't see it. I've heard all of one DiFranco song, and I still was able to figure out my sexuality just fine, thank you. I think it was in this chapter that Baumgardner's biases really shine through, because when she describes the legions of young women whose lives were changed by DiFranco's music, she's really talking about one demographic: twenty and thirty-something-year-old, white, upper-middle-class, sub/urban, politically far-left, east-coast women. (And even I fall into all those categories save one, yet she still completely missed the mark in describing my experience.) I suppose I should cut her some slack, since the memoir aspect of the book dictates a limit on perspective, but even then it wouldn't've killed her to mention queer WOC, women from blue-collar and rural backgrounds, etc etc etc.

Lest I give the wrong impression, there were parts of the book that I genuinely liked. Baumgardner examines the classic bisexual dilemma: unlike homo and heterosexuals, bisexual identity isn't static - take snapshots from various times in a bisexual woman's experience, and they won't seem to add up. If a woman is married for forty years, gets divorced, and suddenly finds new love with another woman, how do we interpret that? Does her current relationship invalidate her marriage, which was a "lie"? Or is the current relationship just a "phase," not as "genuine" as the previous one because it hasn't lasted as long? What makes a romantic relationship "real" or "valid"? Bisexuals have to grapple with these issues in ways that many hetero and homosexals do not, since the genders of their partners tend to stay more constant (and even then not really, further complicating things). Baumgardner admits she can't answer all the questions given our current vocabulary regarding sexuality, but does state that this exact difficulty is a sign that perhaps nothing regarding sexuality is static, and that perhaps our identities should be viewed more a sexual journeys. Which, when stated like that, is kind of a "duh" thing, but is something most people never really think about.

Baumgardner is a self-avowed feminist (she even worked a stint at Ms. magazine), and while our viewpoints tend to jive there were a couple aspects of her philosophy that I took issue with. For example, while I agree with her that sexual objectification is not inherently bad as long as the ubiquitous Male Gaze is met with an equally powerful Female Gaze, I feel like her cheerful acceptance of male objectification was a bit too... acquiescent? It's hard to put into words, but it made me profoundly uncomfortable. Not to say that her feminist ideas are inferior; I appreciate the fact that she's making me examine my own beliefs and conclusions. Her look at feminism's relationship with female bisexuality from a historical perspective was also insightful and interesting; I know that Third-Wavers like me sometimes feel that Second-Wavers were/are too curmudgeonly and isolationist, but this generational conflict has been going on since the Suffragettes. It's nice to put things in perspective.

Coincidentally, my brother gave me a book last night called Self-Made Man by Norah Vincent. Vincent is a cisgendered lesbian who, as an experiement, dressed up as a man for a year and a half in order to gain an understanding of what society was like from a male perspective and to get a closer look at what masculine culture was like. I'm about halfway through it right now, and it's an interesting read. I'll probably post more on it later.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

*raises eyebrow skeptically*

According to the BBC, a new study shows that women physically suffer disproportionately in strained (heterosexual) marriages. Whereas men and women both showed signs of depression in unhappy marriages, only women showed elevated levels of hypertension, heart disease, etc.

According to some random counselor quoted in the article, "The gender difference could be partly due to the fact that women's hormonal profile is more complex than men's. Women also tend to worry more about their health than men."

Oh, of course! We women are just walking bags of hormones and neuroses! It couldn't possibly be because gender roles in marriage are far from equal and women get the short end of the stick more often than not. *headdesk headdesk headdesk*

Wednesday, February 25, 2009


There's a freshman on campus whom Master and I are friends with; I'll name her Juniper. She's a very interesting lady; though she's been sexually active for many years, she knows next to nothing about kink (not that there's anything wrong with that). When she first heard me and my kinky friends talking about it, her reactions were generally along the lines of, "That's messed up!" and "Why would you do that?" However, she would also listen attentively to our answers, and ask more - especially when she learned that Spot had been a prodomme over the summer. It was pretty apparent she was interested.

Last night she and I, along with a few others, stayed up late chatting about various things, and one of the things that came up was BDSM. Juniper said, "Yeah, I really should talk to some of you guys about that sometime. Like maybe [Spot] or [Lupa]. I really want to know more." I told her that she could ask me or Master any time, as well.

Ironically, Master and I, having noticed Juniper's interest in kink, had discussed the night before about asking her if she'd like us to introduce her to some aspects of BDSM. It'd be just bondage, paddling, that kind of thing - no sex, like when we're playing with Lupa. I think it'd be fun, and I think she'd enjoy it, though we haven't explicitly broached the subject with her. The only thing that makes me apprehensive is that she has a history of abuse, which she's said colors her reaction to BDSM. It doesn't turn her off completely from kink; she recognizes that abuse and BDSM are completely different, but she still gets that initial aversion.

Though we'd very thoroughly talk over what we would and wouldn't do and all that, I still am a little worried about accidentally triggering her during any playtime we have. I don't want to do that to a friend, even unintentionally. We'll probably have to discuss that when/if we do negotiate a play scene.

Monday, February 23, 2009


Master has decided that he'd like to build some bondage furniture. He really like's the St. Andrew's cross (as do I!) but it's too difficult for people with minimal woodworking skills and tools (like us) to do.

I'd like to make a spanking bench out of an old sawhorse; I've also seen some lattice-type pieces that would be super-easy to make and lend themselves to a huge variety of standing positions.

The question is: where would we store it when it's not in use?

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Homework leads to a short post

Impromptu spanking/paddling sessions are so much fun.

Being led around the apartment on a leash makes me all nostalgic.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

My $0.02

(Warning: this post was made late at night when I was rather tired, so the ideas presented herein probably aren't completely thought-out. Be that as it may...)

A lot of "feminist" detractors point to the seeming preponderance of M/f relationships as "proof" that kink is a tool of teh Patriarchy to oppress women.

I have to wonder if they're looking at actual statistics, or just what they've seen from porn. If the latter, I feel compelled to point out that - surprise! - porn is a fantastical, stylized distortion of reality. Fun, amusing, outrageous, sexy? Yes, but not reality. Also - and you'd think they'd know this - porn is heavily influenced by patriarchal standards, which dictate that Men Must Always Be Dominant even when that attitude isn't shared by many people.

There's also the fact that said patriarchal standards condemn F/m relationships because the woman is a "ball-buster" and a "domineering bitch" while the man is "emasculated" and "pussy-whipped," which would understandably make people in F/m relationships more likely to be closeted... hence their underrepresentation in kink communities.

I dunno about you guys, but from where I'm standing The Patriarchy (with a capital P!) seems to hurt kinksters more than benefit from them.

Just sayin'.

Monday, February 9, 2009


Master and I have recently started a new routine when I spend the night: as he brushes his teeth and futzes around, I make the bed. When I'm done, I strip down (I normally sleep in the nude) and curl up in my kitty-corner next to the bed and wait for Master to arrive.

He turns off the light and climbs into bed, and I ask if I can climb in too. He sometimes says "yes" right away, but usually he says "no" or "not yet." Then I curl up in my kitty corner while he scritches my head and he'll ask me a few questions - "Have you been a good girl today?" "Why do you like being my kitten?" - stuff like that. After talking for a few minutes, he lets me into bed, and we snuggle. ^_^

*warm fuzzies*

Sunday, February 8, 2009


I had no idea how much I crave spanking until it was withheld.

"What are you thinking about, pet?" Master asked me as he caressed my nude body.

"I'm thinking I hope you spank me."

"Oh? Why's that?"

"Because I like it." My voice was high-pitched, innocent.

"Hmmm... Have you been a bad girl?"

"Yes!" I chirped immediately, playing along.

"What have you done to make you a bad girl?"

The question made me pause. What had I done? Normally I don't have to enumerate my transgressions. I wracked my mind for something to confess. "Umm... I... I didn't practice today!" I said, as I had forgotten to do my anal training that morning.

Master thought for a moment. "Well, since that only affects you and not me, that's not worthy of punishment."

Dammit! "Uh... I didn't help with the dishes!"

"Yes you did."

Oh yeah... Shit. I desperately tried to think of an offense that met his parameters; as I did, he moved down to the foot of the bed, spread my legs and began to eat me out. I whimpered, gasped, and wriggled in his grasp. How was I supposed to think while he was doing that?! Which was exactly what he wanted. It felt so good, so good... but it wasn't what I wanted. I wanted to be spanked. I wanted to feel my cheeks burn and sting from the blows. Why wouldn't he spank me? "I... I can't think of anything!" I whimpered, close to tears.

Master stopped, sat up. "You can't?" I shook my head, and with startling quickness he flipped me over onto my stomach and held me there. "I ask you to do one simple thing... and you can't even do that?"

A knot built up in my throat, and I sniffled. I knew where he was going - his intent the entire time was to spank me for failing to come up with a reason for him to spank me, but I just wanted him to do it already! Please, please, please, oh please, I needed it so badly - I'd been looking forward to it all week...

Smack. As his hand connected with my ass, I felt a jolt ripple through me, followed by that pleasing, tingling warmth, and all my tension and bad feelings melted away. Ah, that's better.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009


I've wanted to get a tattoo for a long time. However, I've wavered on what exactly to get.

Currently I'm leaning towards getting the BDSM triskele pictured here. Well, this isn't exactly the BDSM triskele, apparently, but a common variant that I think would be recognized by most people in the scene.

I'm not worried about the permanence. Should I be? Kink has become a major influence on my life - I'm in a 24/7 relationship, for gods' sake! - but, on the other hand, Master and I articulated our power exchange only a year ago or so, and our relationship has already evolved and developed into something slightly different. My relationship with BDSM will probably change in the future too.

Of course, I write all this counter-argument as a formality, but I don't honestly think I could ever completely rid my life of kink. It's part of my identity now, and I really would like to have a physical sign of that. I want to subtly let other kinksters know that I'm one of them, to bring a knowing smile to their faces when we pass on the street.

The question is: where would I have it? I kind of like the idea of having it on the underside of my lower arm - on the meaty part right below the elbow - but then I wouldn't be able to wear short-sleeved things at work... if I were working at a place that didn't like tattoos, anyway. Then again, a place that allowed short sleeves also probably would be fine with tattoos...

We'll see. I don't exactly have the money for it right now, and there isn't a decent tattoo artist for at least 60 miles, anyway.

Friday, January 30, 2009

"...Then came home and fucked my sister."

The brother/sister roleplay was hella fun. I was in character as soon as Master opened the door for me, and we didn't break character until we were lying together on the bed going, "....Whew!"

Master and I are both actors and we both play table-top RPGs, so I think we applied a lot of that to our playsession. The only problem is, I'm not the greatest at improv and I didn't spend a whole lot of time thinking about my character beforehand. "Her boyfriend just broke up with her... and she wants to bang her older brother," was about the extent of her characterization. Still, I think I did all right.

I also discovered that seduction is DAMN HARD. I don't really seduce very often (which is partially why Master wanted to do this scenario), and what made it even more difficult was that we both knew it was a farce; I wasn't really seducing Master, since he already wanted to sleep with me, but we both needed to figure out how many of the perfunctory motions I had to go through before he could "cave." It's a delicate balance between "LOLOK" and completely shutting my advances down.

The sex itself was... frantic. It was desperate. It was guilty. It was awesome. Throughout the entire scene the sexual tension was thick in the air, and I was wet even long before the first kiss. Though, as Master remarked afterward, "It was hard to think of something to say other than, 'Oh, Sibling-Pronoun.'" At one point I almost slipped and called him Master, but I stopped myself. :3

However, throughout the entire scene I had the weirdest urge to say something completely off the fucking wall. Like when my "brother" insisted on using a condom, I had to bite my tongue to keep from saying, "Yeah, we don't want any freaky-deaky inbred babies!" And in the middle of sex it required some real willpower to keep from saying, "Oh man, you fuck just like Daddy!" I have no idea why I wanted to say weird shit like that. I mean, yeah it would have been hilarious, but it would have entirely broken the mood of the scene. Which may have been the reason - I wanted to remind myself (by forcing Master and me to break character) that this wasn't real, that we aren't actually siblings.

Or maybe I've just heard one too many "inbred hillbilly" jokes.

You know, this is going to sound weird, but the sexual tension in the early part of the scene actually reminds me of when Master and I first started dating. (Three years ago! My, how the time flies!) Before we started having sex - before we even kissed - Master would invite me over to his room for "platonic sleepovers." We would both be fully clothed and wouldn't do anything else besides caress each other's arms, backs, and bellies, but holy crap would my panties be soaked by morning. I wanted to have sex with him so badly, and I knew that I probably could if I just asked. But I also knew I shouldn't because I was a virgin and he was the handsomest boy at school and we weren't in a serious relationship and blah blah blah. It was bad. It was naughty.

But God-damn if it wasn't hot.

(As an aside, does anyone have any recommendations for a good beginner's anal plug? I can take one finger easily now, but the jump in width between one and two is proving a little difficult; I think something more tapered (like a plug) would be helpful.)

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Things I have learned

Master and I didn't do the brother/sister roleplay the other night (that's tonight) but instead a nice, physical scene with some moderate bondage and other fun things. Anyway, Master introduced a few new things which I immensely enjoyed.

He tied my legs at the ankles with thick rope and then hoisted them up into the air while I was lying on my back on the bed so, though my body weight was still safely on the ground (well, bed), my legs were dangling in the air. He then tied my wrists and secured them to a rope on the other side of the room, so my arms were stretched out over my head. This was heavier bondage than what we usually do, but I loved it - especially the legs in the air bit, and especially when he started playing with my pussy. I'm not sure what it was, but something about my legs being suspended while that was going on made me feel like I was floating, even though I was lying securely on the bed. I can only imagine what one of those sex slings is like... too bad Master and I are too poor to buy one. *sad kitty* Maybe I could try making one from the instructions given in Screw the Roses...? If I had the time and materials, that is.

I've also discovered that I like the feeling of latex gloves - which is weird, because I generally don't like the feeling of condoms, which are pretty much the same thing. Master put on a latex glove when he fingered my bum, but before he did that he just ran the gloved hand over my body for a while, and it was amaaaazing. The texture undoubtedly has something to do with it, but I think it's also from the connotations: medical procedures, authority figures (vis doctors), evil experiements, that kind of thing. (Also, the condoms the school provides are pretty shitty, which no doubt contributes to my dislike of them.)

Master also wore a surgical mask, which added to the effect. It made him scary by obscuring his face, yet it emphasized his incredibly expressive (and beautiful) eyes - both dehumanizing and humanizing him at the same time. Wheeeee mind trip!

So: it seems I have a thing for suspention and medical fantasies. Who knew?

The only time when things weren't so fun was when Master first started fucking me while my legs were still strung up; he entered me too quickly and it started to hurt; combined with my feet starting to fall asleep from all the blood running out of them, it was too much and I had to call the safeword. After I was let down and given a few moments to collect myself, though, we were able to continue, albeit at a more subdued pace.

Though we often don't have the time or energy to do these kinds of scenes, they're by far my favorite. :3

Sunday, January 25, 2009

"I love you like a brother!"

Master and I didn't play on Wednesday because he was too tired, but tonight we are. We are going to play at being brother and sister, which he proposed over winter break after reading my blog post on incest. I'm going to be a younger sister who has just broken up with her boyfriend and turns to her caring older brother for comfort... meheheheh.

We both were very flighty and nervous at first about the prospect, but the more I think about it, the more I'm just plain old excited. We'll see how it goes.

Sunday, January 18, 2009