Sometimes I get envious of Master because he gets to have all these fun sexcapades in the city while I'm stuck on campus in the boonies. Theoretically this shouldn't be a problem, since I've got scads of close friends who love cuddling and such, but somehow it never works out quite the way I'd like.
Master says I'm just not confident enough - that I need to take initiative more and seize the opportunity to get the people I fancy.
I think he has a point, but at the same time I don't want to get into the mindset that I deserve other people and that it's odd if people don't want to be with me. Such entitlement is repugnant, whether in a man or a woman.
But I don't know how to find the balance point yet. So I'm just going to sit here and be miserable for now.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Breath of fresh air
I recently participated in a photo shoot for C, a friend of mine. It was a "Last Supper"-esque tableau of several people in various states of undress doing kinky/bizarre things. My assigned role was pseudo-suspension; another student, H, who's a fellow shibari enthusiast rigged up a chest harness, tied my bent leg up to my chest, and then threw the slack over a hook in the ceiling while I sat on a cleverly-hidden stool. When the time came to take the picture, I wrapped the slack around my wrists, stood up so I was balancing on one foot, and voila! - the appearance of suspension without the actual hassle.
This was the first time since Master left that I got to participate in significant shibari, and it reminded me exactly what I love about it. The feeling of the rope against my skin, the meditative aspect of waiting patiently while all the knots are secured, and the aesthetic appeal of the ropes were all delicious, even though the sexual aspect was stripped as much as possible from the situation. (This was for art, after all; we needed to stay professional. Or as professional as one can be when frolicking around a room, naked.)
But the artistic atmosphere lent its own appeal. I love art, and I love performance, and I love consciously trying to pose my body in a way that is artistic. The concept of the body (male and female) as a work of art is one that I enjoy exploring; the human form was my favorite subject of my own photography, and one I was most successful in shooting, I think. So I got an intellectual thrill (and a way to indulge my vanity) from the shoot, too.
I wasn't the only one trussed up; Z, another friend of mine (who played the role of the "supper") was hog-tied on the table while wearing nothing but stilettos and panties. H used a technique that I don't think Master has ever used on me; it involved a series of loops - I think she called the knot a butterfly knot - around Z's arms, which were held extended behind her back. The results were breathtaking; it basically was one of these made out of rope. Having the rope loop around the heels of Z's stilettos (one of my favorite images when viewing shibari) only added to the awesomeness. (Z was also very pleased, of course.)
I'd known before then that H was interested in shibari, but I'd never really seen her work before, and I was blown away (as I told her many times). I kind of want to ask her to tie me up again - just tie me up and let me bask in the sensation for a while, maybe take some pictures for posterity - but she's a very shy woman and we're not terribly close. I think it'd be too awkward. However, when C found out I enjoy being tied up and photographed he said he'd might ask me to pose for him again. If it means I get to satiate my kink drive, I'm all for it!
This was the first time since Master left that I got to participate in significant shibari, and it reminded me exactly what I love about it. The feeling of the rope against my skin, the meditative aspect of waiting patiently while all the knots are secured, and the aesthetic appeal of the ropes were all delicious, even though the sexual aspect was stripped as much as possible from the situation. (This was for art, after all; we needed to stay professional. Or as professional as one can be when frolicking around a room, naked.)
But the artistic atmosphere lent its own appeal. I love art, and I love performance, and I love consciously trying to pose my body in a way that is artistic. The concept of the body (male and female) as a work of art is one that I enjoy exploring; the human form was my favorite subject of my own photography, and one I was most successful in shooting, I think. So I got an intellectual thrill (and a way to indulge my vanity) from the shoot, too.
I wasn't the only one trussed up; Z, another friend of mine (who played the role of the "supper") was hog-tied on the table while wearing nothing but stilettos and panties. H used a technique that I don't think Master has ever used on me; it involved a series of loops - I think she called the knot a butterfly knot - around Z's arms, which were held extended behind her back. The results were breathtaking; it basically was one of these made out of rope. Having the rope loop around the heels of Z's stilettos (one of my favorite images when viewing shibari) only added to the awesomeness. (Z was also very pleased, of course.)
I'd known before then that H was interested in shibari, but I'd never really seen her work before, and I was blown away (as I told her many times). I kind of want to ask her to tie me up again - just tie me up and let me bask in the sensation for a while, maybe take some pictures for posterity - but she's a very shy woman and we're not terribly close. I think it'd be too awkward. However, when C found out I enjoy being tied up and photographed he said he'd might ask me to pose for him again. If it means I get to satiate my kink drive, I'm all for it!
Monday, October 26, 2009
For teh lulz
Master is pretending he's married for the purposes of getting a job; it's a lot easier for married men in his line of work, unfortunately. So, if anyone from his work asks, we were handfasted in a hot air balloon over Lake Michigan last summer, but we didn't get an official marriage because of all our gay friends. This isn't the first time we've pretended; while he was interning I was his "fiancee."
I know there's a long and proud history of fake marriages for teh lulz, but I was never one for Facebook romances. Don't ask me why, but for some reason I came to the conclusion long ago that marriage was Serious Fucking Business and you didn't joke around about being married - in fact, don't even say the m-word around your significant other because it means you're a clingy wacko who looks for way too much commitment too fast. So for Master and I to joke about who we got to play at our nonexistent wedding (and for him to say, "OMG! We're getting divorced!" when I admit ignorance about a band he mentioned) is kind of weird for me.
It's also weird that we're discussing marriage seriously too - from what our close friends' engagement means for our relationship to (sometimes heated) discussions about name changes to potential future kids. And even though we both agree we don't want to get married for a long time - we really do want to hold off until same-sex marriage is legal - the fact that discussing it seems like a good idea is... weird. As in I never expected it to happen. It's a good thing, no doubt; I'm glad we're both secure enough in this relationship that we can talk about it. But it still feels almost surreal for me.
I know there's a long and proud history of fake marriages for teh lulz, but I was never one for Facebook romances. Don't ask me why, but for some reason I came to the conclusion long ago that marriage was Serious Fucking Business and you didn't joke around about being married - in fact, don't even say the m-word around your significant other because it means you're a clingy wacko who looks for way too much commitment too fast. So for Master and I to joke about who we got to play at our nonexistent wedding (and for him to say, "OMG! We're getting divorced!" when I admit ignorance about a band he mentioned) is kind of weird for me.
It's also weird that we're discussing marriage seriously too - from what our close friends' engagement means for our relationship to (sometimes heated) discussions about name changes to potential future kids. And even though we both agree we don't want to get married for a long time - we really do want to hold off until same-sex marriage is legal - the fact that discussing it seems like a good idea is... weird. As in I never expected it to happen. It's a good thing, no doubt; I'm glad we're both secure enough in this relationship that we can talk about it. But it still feels almost surreal for me.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Prurient interest
Last night Master had a foursome with three of his friends - two women and a man. He told me about it today, and I was just bursting with questions about it. I especially wanted to know about his interactions with his male friend - who, like Master, identifies as straight AFAIK. How much did they interact? Master says there was an air of competition between the two, and they would not-so-subtly compare techniques. He also said that he tied his friend up. Did he enjoy tying his male friend up? Did they do anything else together? Would he want to do something like that again?
I held back some of my questions because they were more about entertaining my fantasies of group sex with Master and another man (or men) than about helping Master process his feelings of the event. Sometimes I fear I'm a little too enthusiastic when Master shows even the slightest inkling of bisexual thoughts; I certainly don't want to pressure him, and I don't want to put my own fantasies above his comfort.
The only time I started getting some negative feelings was when Master started describing his domination of his friends in more detail. I really miss having him top me, and I felt lonely and envious of his friends that they were on the receiving end of his spankings and not me. I don't think I got enough of a kink fix the last time Master came up to visit; fortunately, he might be visiting again for Halloween, and even if he doesn't it'd be just a few more weeks until I go down to see him. Still, it feels like a long wait. :(
I held back some of my questions because they were more about entertaining my fantasies of group sex with Master and another man (or men) than about helping Master process his feelings of the event. Sometimes I fear I'm a little too enthusiastic when Master shows even the slightest inkling of bisexual thoughts; I certainly don't want to pressure him, and I don't want to put my own fantasies above his comfort.
The only time I started getting some negative feelings was when Master started describing his domination of his friends in more detail. I really miss having him top me, and I felt lonely and envious of his friends that they were on the receiving end of his spankings and not me. I don't think I got enough of a kink fix the last time Master came up to visit; fortunately, he might be visiting again for Halloween, and even if he doesn't it'd be just a few more weeks until I go down to see him. Still, it feels like a long wait. :(
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Revamp
Master and I had a nice, in-depth discussion about different aspects of our relationships. We talked about how we could continue the D/s part even when we're long-distance - in ways that involve more than just "he tells me what to do from a long ways away." Right now, besides that part, we have a meeting every Thursday, and I tell him what underwear I'm wearing every morning. :3
We also updated our limits regarding nonmonogamy, based on what we were comfortable with. Our new guidelines are as follows:
1) We must always inform each other of outside liaisons. Preferably we would let each other know ahead of time, but if that's not possible, then as soon as we can afterward
2) Master may have intercourse with people I know personally.
3) Master may make out, fondle, and give/receive oral with people I don't know personally.
4) I may have intercourse with whomever I wish.
5) Only Master may dominate me. Lupa may spank me.
6) Only Master can grab my ankles.
7) Cybersex is fine.
I'm very satisfied with these new guidelines. I was kinda worried about the asymmetry of the arrangement - how I can have PIV sex with people Master does not know, but not vice versa because I'm really uncomfortable with it - but as long as we both are pleased and comfortable with the arrangement I think it should work. Master also talked about his concerns with poly, which we were able to examine and deal with pretty well.
It's pretty funny - Master and I have both noticed that our desire to have sex with other people has declined as the opportunity increases. Forbidden fruit, perchance?
We also updated our limits regarding nonmonogamy, based on what we were comfortable with. Our new guidelines are as follows:
1) We must always inform each other of outside liaisons. Preferably we would let each other know ahead of time, but if that's not possible, then as soon as we can afterward
2) Master may have intercourse with people I know personally.
3) Master may make out, fondle, and give/receive oral with people I don't know personally.
4) I may have intercourse with whomever I wish.
5) Only Master may dominate me. Lupa may spank me.
6) Only Master can grab my ankles.
7) Cybersex is fine.
I'm very satisfied with these new guidelines. I was kinda worried about the asymmetry of the arrangement - how I can have PIV sex with people Master does not know, but not vice versa because I'm really uncomfortable with it - but as long as we both are pleased and comfortable with the arrangement I think it should work. Master also talked about his concerns with poly, which we were able to examine and deal with pretty well.
It's pretty funny - Master and I have both noticed that our desire to have sex with other people has declined as the opportunity increases. Forbidden fruit, perchance?
Thursday, October 8, 2009
"How lifestyle are you?"
The other day Ume sent me a link to a post on Reddit. I don't follow the site, but apparently they do this thing where someone posts "I am [brief, attention-grabbing description]. Ask me anything." And anyone curious can ask them a question about the OP's particular situation. The link he sent me was a woman in a "completely submissive" relationship with her fiancee, and he wanted to know my reaction to the questions and her answers.
My perception was that, for the most part, the questioners were genuinely curious and mostly respectful. There were a few smartass "I want me one of these," and "Make me a sammich," comments, and one or two "OMG ABUSIVE" remarks, but most of the people seemed to come from a position of just wanting to learn about a unique relationship style.
As for the OP, my reaction to her was similar to almost any other submissive woman's description of her relationship that I read; there were some parts that resonated deeply with me, and other parts that squicked me to no end. She spoke of how the strictness of their relationship had loosened over time, and I nodded; she said that her master would physically punish her when she misbehaved - not "punish" for fun, but truly punish her, and I almost threw the computer across the room in horror. But then she eloquently described how she'd do anything her master said, but she trusted him not to make her do anything ridiculous, and that trust was a huge part of the relationship, and I was all nods and appreciative noises again.
Lupa, who's rooming with me this year, saw the post as well, and brought it up while we were lounging in the living room. "So how lifestyle are you and [Master]?" she asked.
I pursed my lips, not sure how to answer the question. "Well... I don't wear this collar for fashion..."
"Yeah I know. I mean - does he make all the decisions for you? That kind of thing."
I shrugged. "Not... really. It's mostly that... sometimes I don't want to make a decision. And then I ask him to make it for me, and I trust him to make the best one."
Though Lupa was satisfied with the answer, I'm not sure if I accurately described our relationship. It's just so hard to feel like it's 24/7 when he's not here (or I'm not there). And most of the D/s in our relationship is just little things: I kneel beside him while he's at his computer and rest my head on his lap; I make the bed before we turn in; he gently grabs the scruff of my neck. Usually my deferral to him is so subconscious that I hardly even notice it; it's like second nature to me.
It might be time for Master and me to go over the "terms" of our D/s again, just to update anything that needs updating and to make sure we're still on the same page. Fortunately he's coming up to visit soon.
My perception was that, for the most part, the questioners were genuinely curious and mostly respectful. There were a few smartass "I want me one of these," and "Make me a sammich," comments, and one or two "OMG ABUSIVE" remarks, but most of the people seemed to come from a position of just wanting to learn about a unique relationship style.
As for the OP, my reaction to her was similar to almost any other submissive woman's description of her relationship that I read; there were some parts that resonated deeply with me, and other parts that squicked me to no end. She spoke of how the strictness of their relationship had loosened over time, and I nodded; she said that her master would physically punish her when she misbehaved - not "punish" for fun, but truly punish her, and I almost threw the computer across the room in horror. But then she eloquently described how she'd do anything her master said, but she trusted him not to make her do anything ridiculous, and that trust was a huge part of the relationship, and I was all nods and appreciative noises again.
Lupa, who's rooming with me this year, saw the post as well, and brought it up while we were lounging in the living room. "So how lifestyle are you and [Master]?" she asked.
I pursed my lips, not sure how to answer the question. "Well... I don't wear this collar for fashion..."
"Yeah I know. I mean - does he make all the decisions for you? That kind of thing."
I shrugged. "Not... really. It's mostly that... sometimes I don't want to make a decision. And then I ask him to make it for me, and I trust him to make the best one."
Though Lupa was satisfied with the answer, I'm not sure if I accurately described our relationship. It's just so hard to feel like it's 24/7 when he's not here (or I'm not there). And most of the D/s in our relationship is just little things: I kneel beside him while he's at his computer and rest my head on his lap; I make the bed before we turn in; he gently grabs the scruff of my neck. Usually my deferral to him is so subconscious that I hardly even notice it; it's like second nature to me.
It might be time for Master and me to go over the "terms" of our D/s again, just to update anything that needs updating and to make sure we're still on the same page. Fortunately he's coming up to visit soon.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Plans
I'm so glad that Master and I have talked about living together after I graduate. It gives me something to look forward to, and it also gives me a sense of security regarding the future. I don't know what kind of job I'm going to have (if I do get a job; one never knows in this economy) or what my house/apartment will be like or anything like that, but I know what city I'm going to (at first, at least; we may move depending on what kind of jobs there are), and I know Master will be there - constant and supportive.
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