Showing posts with label 24/7. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 24/7. Show all posts

Thursday, October 8, 2009

"How lifestyle are you?"

The other day Ume sent me a link to a post on Reddit. I don't follow the site, but apparently they do this thing where someone posts "I am [brief, attention-grabbing description]. Ask me anything." And anyone curious can ask them a question about the OP's particular situation. The link he sent me was a woman in a "completely submissive" relationship with her fiancee, and he wanted to know my reaction to the questions and her answers.

My perception was that, for the most part, the questioners were genuinely curious and mostly respectful. There were a few smartass "I want me one of these," and "Make me a sammich," comments, and one or two "OMG ABUSIVE" remarks, but most of the people seemed to come from a position of just wanting to learn about a unique relationship style.

As for the OP, my reaction to her was similar to almost any other submissive woman's description of her relationship that I read; there were some parts that resonated deeply with me, and other parts that squicked me to no end. She spoke of how the strictness of their relationship had loosened over time, and I nodded; she said that her master would physically punish her when she misbehaved - not "punish" for fun, but truly punish her, and I almost threw the computer across the room in horror. But then she eloquently described how she'd do anything her master said, but she trusted him not to make her do anything ridiculous, and that trust was a huge part of the relationship, and I was all nods and appreciative noises again.

Lupa, who's rooming with me this year, saw the post as well, and brought it up while we were lounging in the living room. "So how lifestyle are you and [Master]?" she asked.

I pursed my lips, not sure how to answer the question. "Well... I don't wear this collar for fashion..."

"Yeah I know. I mean - does he make all the decisions for you? That kind of thing."

I shrugged. "Not... really. It's mostly that... sometimes I don't want to make a decision. And then I ask him to make it for me, and I trust him to make the best one."

Though Lupa was satisfied with the answer, I'm not sure if I accurately described our relationship. It's just so hard to feel like it's 24/7 when he's not here (or I'm not there). And most of the D/s in our relationship is just little things: I kneel beside him while he's at his computer and rest my head on his lap; I make the bed before we turn in; he gently grabs the scruff of my neck. Usually my deferral to him is so subconscious that I hardly even notice it; it's like second nature to me.

It might be time for Master and me to go over the "terms" of our D/s again, just to update anything that needs updating and to make sure we're still on the same page. Fortunately he's coming up to visit soon.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Tradition

Master and I have recently started a new routine when I spend the night: as he brushes his teeth and futzes around, I make the bed. When I'm done, I strip down (I normally sleep in the nude) and curl up in my kitty-corner next to the bed and wait for Master to arrive.

He turns off the light and climbs into bed, and I ask if I can climb in too. He sometimes says "yes" right away, but usually he says "no" or "not yet." Then I curl up in my kitty corner while he scritches my head and he'll ask me a few questions - "Have you been a good girl today?" "Why do you like being my kitten?" - stuff like that. After talking for a few minutes, he lets me into bed, and we snuggle. ^_^

*warm fuzzies*

Friday, December 19, 2008

Wah. :[

Master and I have gone to our respective homes for the holidays. While I was able to spend a good week with him in his hometown, it's very difficult to have good sex in a three-bedroom house with five to six other people in it. :/

While Master and I were hanging out in his family's pub, House, M.D. was playing on one of the TVs. It was an older episode that I'd somehow missed (I'm a rather rabid fan >.>) in which the patient of the day was a sub/bottom who also had a fetish for breath play* and was in a rather strict 24/7 relationship with a Domme. I didn't quite catch if she was a professional or not (the volume was too low to hear in the bar and the clost captioning was shit), but it seemed like a genuine loving relationship - not just a business arrangement.

Of course, there were good and bad things in this portrayal in the show. On the one hand, Chase was/had been a part of the scene, so he was sympathetic to the patient and his Domme; he guessed the nature of their relationship right away, but didn't want to "out" them and stayed silent (whether he should have as a doctor is another thing), and he stood up for them when Cuddy barred the Domme from the hospital. And the smile on his face when he watched the two reunite was priceless!

That was outweighed by the general disgust of the rest of the cast, though - mostly Foreman and the clinic's laywer, as well as Cuddy. And the patient's family, of course - but they were quite obviously painted as the "villains" in the episode: people so intolerant, so insensitive towards their son that they were almost willing to sit back and let him die. House took them to task quite thoroughly for that; and for his part, House cracked his off-color jokes about leather and so on, but for the most part didn't give a damn about what the patient did in the sack - very House of him, really.

As for the portrayal of the Domme and sub... I'm mixed. Though it was nice to see a D/s relationship that didn't have chains and latex all over the place, and the Domme was obviously very intelligent and cared deeply about her sub, I didn't like how the sub was portrayed as a spineless, sobbing twit without the Domme. I mean, Jesus Christ, I may be a sub, but I have enough self-esteem to make critical medical decisions about myself! For fuck's sake!

I also was perturbed that it was the sub's kink that made him wind up in the hospital. I mean, even though the general tone was vaguely sympathetic, the fact that the sub had to give up his fetish or die gave seemed to give a "he got what was coming" message. But I may be reading to much into it - and I wasn't able to catch all of the episode before they turned to a football game, so maybe I'm missing a critical part that changed the entire meaning of the episode.

*I've noticed that whenever BDSM is featured in the media, it almost always involves erotic asphyxiation - to an extent much further than it seems to feature in the actual community. I wonder what it is about breath play that makes it particularly alluring to TV writers; perhaps the fact that it's so obviously dangerous makes it easier to vilify? After all, you wouldn't want the viewers to get any ideas.

Friday, August 29, 2008

Not all at once, now.

Several things have happened in the last few days. I'll try to give them all justice, but it may take more than one post.

Firstly, I had to use my safeword over the weekend. It was bizarre - Master wasn't even in the same room. He's not even in the same state! But he went past a limit; he told me I should play with someone I'm not interested in.

That's just... no. No, no, no. It's one thing to suggest, one thing to fantasize, but I am not one for playing with someone whom I don't care for deeply. The person he wanted me to play with was a woman I don't even hang out with. When I said I wasn't interested in her, he said, "If I want you to do anything, you will do it. And you will thank me. Is that understood?"

I felt cornered. I felt trapped. My hands were shaking. So I used the safeword, and immediately Master asked me if I was okay. No. No I was not okay. I did not want to play with that woman, and he was scaring me. Master calmed me down; he wasn't going to make me do anything. We talked about it, and in a minute or so I felt better.

I'm not sure when exactly we slipped back into our D/s dynamic after I used the safeword. I'm not even sure if we ever stepped out of our dynamic. I suppose that's just one of the weird things about being in a 24/7 relationship - you don't ever "break character." You just scale the intensity up and down as the situation warrants. And this adapting, this shifting from more-D/s to less-D/s, has begun to happen so naturally and so subtlely that I hardly even notice it taking place anymore. It's just... part of who I am, and part of who we are as a couple.

Honestly, I think it was a good thing that I used the safeword (besides for the obvious reason that it stopped a situation I was uncomfortable with). It really highlighted for me - and perhaps for Master too, though I can't presume to know what his thoughts are - that this is 24/7 for us. There is never a time when Master is not my Master (unless there's explicit rules laid out beforehand), and there's never a time where I can't use the safeword to stop whatever's going on.

Monday, May 26, 2008

Away

Well, I'm back at my family's home, and Master is back at his. We call each other a lot, but I still miss him terribly, and M too.

Last night, Master and I talked a bit about our future together. Next year, he wants to establish more protocol in our relationship. You know how I said earlier that I wasn't forbidden from the furniture? Yeah, well... that may change next year. I'm not sure how to feel about that. On the one hand, it's exciting to have a more intense D/s relationship. We've been fairly low-key up to this point, and ratcheting things up a notch is an exciting prospect. On the other hand, I think, Why can't I sit on the furniture? That's not fair! Granted, a lot of the time I sit on the floor anyway, but still. I don't feel submissive 100% of the time, and so I imagine that the 30% (or however much it is) of the time where I don't I'll be chafing at the restriction.

Which is the whole point, I suppose.

Master also said he's going to buy me a food dish! X3 I can't wait to see it. I wonder what kind of food he'll put in it - cereal, so it's like dry food? Or some sort of hot dish so it's more like canned food? Eeeeek! I want to just rub against his knee and nuzzle up in his lap while he scritches my head.

Now I miss him more. :(

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Ownership

It seems an anti-choice group is starting a campaign that says, I shit you not, hormonal birth control kills babies. I'm not going to bother reiterating how obviously wrong that is, but it did get me thinking about the whole birth control/abortion issue and how it relates to my relationship with Master.

Master and I live 24/7. We're lightweights compared to many people whose experiences I've read; I'm not banned from sitting on the furniture, we split chores pretty equally, I've never had to walk around all day with a buttplug in, etc. Despite our appearance of normalcy, however, ultimately I am Master's pet. So exactly how much does Master's authority extend?

I have an IUD, which is just as effective as sterilization - if not more so- so I'm basically guaranteed to be baby-free for the next five years unless I choose to have it removed. However, say that I'm just that fucking unlucky and somehow get pregnant anyway. Master and I have talked about this possibility before, and we agree that neither of us are ready for a kid and that it'd be best if I got an abortion. I don't think I'd have any qualms about it, because I would have tried my damnedest not to get pregnant, so it's not like I was being irresponsible or anything. Abortion is a last resort. Shit happens sometimes.

However, what if Master didn't want me to have an abortion?

This wouldn't make me immediately say, "Welp, better start shopping for baby clothes!" but it would make me pause. I'd be inclined to at least listen to his argument, not only because he's my Master but because the baby would his as much as mine. I dunno. If I thought Master really believed it would be best to keep the baby, I might acquiesce. This feels like one of those decisions that can only be made when it actually needs to be made, not when I'm playing "what-if" at two in the morning because I'm bored.

What about the converse, if I wanted to keep the baby and Master didn't? That seems trickier for some reason. It feels... almost manipulative of me to do that. Like those girls who get pregnant because they think it'll make their boyfriend stay with that. I don't want to be manipulative, even though I'm not worried about Master leaving me. Though, in theory, Master could just throw me out and refuse to have anything to do with it. Would he? I like to think not.

Either way, a disagreement over something like this could possibly end our relationship. Because that's really the bottom line. If there is something I simply cannot submit to him about and he is unwilling to compromise about, then I can just leave. There is always that option. Like abortion, it's a last resort. It's tough shit.

I'm so glad Master and I agree on the big stuff.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Go free

Last night, Master expressed concern that I was spending too much time with him, and not enough time doing my own things.

I understand where he's coming from, and I think he's right; I'm going to try to do more of the things I did last year, before he took me in.

It isn't good for a cat to be cooped up all day; she needs to exercise, to socialize, to explore. Otherwise, she'll go stir-crazy.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Collars

Ever since Master collared me, I've worn a collar every day. I have several to choose from.

There's the thick velvet cameo choker he gave me when he asked me to be his, by far the most formal of my collars. I have a plain, white leather collar, which I bought for myself some time ago and wear with more casual outfits; it has a matching leash that we use for play. Currently I'm wearing a simple lace collar underneath my turtleneck. My favorite, however, is one that we picked out together. It's made of soft black lace, with a metal heart pendant discreetly studded with small rhinestones. I wear that one most often.

Master never has to remind me to put on my collar. I love matching my outfit with my collars; I love having Master fasten the clasp for me, kissing me on the nape of my neck when he's done. I love hearing others compliment me on my collars, and every time I wonder how many of my friends and classmates know the significance, the meaning behind them. Some might, but I think the vast majority don't.

Throughout the day, I reach up and touch the collar encircling my neck. Every time, it reminds me of Master's love for me, and my commitment to him. When Master told me why he wanted to collar me, he told me, "It's the closest thing to marriage that I'm willing to do at this point in my life." I liked that because I felt the same way. Like a wedding ring, my collars symbolize our devotion to each other. But they mean more than that; they also mean that I am his, that he is my Master, that I am devoted to serving him and he is dedicated to caring for me. It's marriage-lite, with a D/s twist.

Sounds like a tasty drink!

Monday, January 7, 2008

24/7

I could start at the beginning and introduce myself, but instead I'm going to jump right in with what's on my mind at the moment.

Master and I don't always have BDSM sex. He doesn't always tie me up, spank me, pull my hair. I don't always call him Master; he doesn't always call me kitten. But as vanilla as our sex may seem sometimes, I don't think it's ever completely free of D/s. Master is still the one who calls the shots in bed, even though he does so with a gentle, loving voice and even asks me what I would like to do next. Even when I'm on top - an apparently "dominant" position - he oftentimes controls the situation. I'm not sure if this disqualifies our "vanilla" sex as really vanilla, since I'm pretty sure that most couples have one of the people calling the shots in bed, even if it's so subtle that it isn't noticed.

Or maybe I have a hard time imagining sex without some amount of power exchange.

And even though BDSM rarely intrudes into our everyday lives, still Master is normally the one in charge at some level. When he decides it'd be nice to have some tea, I jump to my feet to put the kettle on. If I cook breakfast that morning, and Master is still in bed when it's served, I ask for his permission to start eating without him. Sometimes BDSM takes a more overt role in our lives as well; right now I'm wearing a rope chest harness underneath my clothes. And then, of course, there's the collar that I wear in some form every day.

All this makes me wonder if our relationship is "24/7." I'm hesitant to use any label at all, since we're both newcomers to BDSM and I'm afraid of using a label incorrectly, but I'm especially leery of affixing "24/7" to our relationship because of the mixed feelings that seem to swirl around it. There are some who say 24/7 relationships breach the SSC tenants of BDSM and are inherently dangerous/abusive/what have you. And there are those who say this is poppycock and, done properly, a 24/7 power exchange is rewarding and fulfilling for both the Dom and the sub.

I've read the blogs of Masters and of slaves in 24/7s, and much of what I read seems beyond what I'm currently comfortable with. I'm not a slave, and I do not want to be a slave; I have bound myself to my Master and willingly subject to him, but I am not a piece of property. The idea that I would be forbidden to sit on the furniture, to only speak when spoken to, and so on squicks me out a bit, if I may be honest.

Then again, I'm sure if this were read, two dozen people would chime in saying, "But not all 24/7s are like that! [Insert counterexample here.]"

So I don't know. Are we 24/7? Maybe. Whatever we are right now, I'm happy with where it's going, and so is Master. That's really all that matters, isn't it?