Muses

Master recently asked me if I considered my kinky "personas" as separate characters, and/or if I pretend to be specific fictional characters when I'm sceneing. I had to think about it for a bit because it's not really something I consciously consider when I slip into my Dom or sub roles. But I realized I do at least have characters that are "points of inspiration" for me, though I don't necessarily pretend to be them, specifically.

My muse for domming is Number Six from Battlestar Galactica. She is the type of woman that I try to be when I'm domming: sultry, sexy, and seductive; someone who knows exactly what she wants, and has no hesitations about using others to get it; a person who relies more on force of personality and psychological manipulation than physical force.

When I imagine my "Domme self," I imagine a woman who looks like her (though not necessarily as blonde as her, as my hair is nothing like that). I like to imagine myself in slinky dresses and elegant jewelry (things which are sadly underrepresented in my actual wardrobe), and with high heels that I can somehow walk in effortlessly. The femme fatale, if you will. It's funny because I'm normally nowhere near that femme in my everyday appearance, nor do I particularly want to be. But my conception of domming is inextricably linked with high femme, for whatever reason.

My muse for subbing - and this one is a little more embarrassing to admit - is Merle from Escaflowne. The feline aspect is obvious, however, there are other reasons why my kitten persona is similar to hers. She is fiercely loyal to her Lord, but not in a simpering way; she has a lot of fight and mischievousness in her. She's bubbly, talkative, eager to please, and doesn't care too much for fancy-shmancy attire or surroundings.

I'm not sure if I imagine my kitten persona as looking similar to Merle, besides the catlike features; my mental self-image is much murkier in that regard, for some reason. I do imagine myself as being considerably shorter and smaller than everyone else, like Merle is. I'm not sure how old Merle is supposed to be, as there are "adult" catpeople who are bigger and more grown-up-looking in the show, but age difference doesn't really factor in as part of my persona (the childishness implied in "kitten" notwithstanding).

Fantasy

I regularly make friendly bets with Ume, and I won our most recent one. (It was on what percentage of votes Ron Paul would get in the Wisconsin primary.) Our wager this time was that the loser must writer an erotica for the winner, with the winner picking the scenario.

Well, I won. So I had to pick a scenario that I'd find sexy.

I'm still on a Skyrim kick (and still a furry), so I wanted something with a Khajiit. But I didn't have a particular preference for a male vs. female Khajiit. I realized I'm turned on both by the idea of being held by fur-covered arms and having those fur-covered arms. But either way, I wanted the Khajiit to be the dominant individual. They are predators, and it is exciting to be either the hunter or the hunted.

When determining what kind of story to write, Ume asked me an interesting question: how intelligent did I want the Khajiit character to be? More animal-like, human-like, or superior to humans? I decided I wanted the Khajiit to be at least as intelligent as a human, but with strong instincts to hunt and pursue. It's that marriage - that fusion - of human cunning and animal desire that I find so entrancing and so arousing. It makes them even more dangerous.

I also didn't really want any explicit BDSM themes in the story. No dungeon setting, no crops/floggers, no chains. Those are a very tactile, physical appeal to me; just thinking about them doesn't do it. I have to be actually experiencing them. However, the mind games involved in bending someone to your will - or, conversely, in getting your will slowly get broken and overpowered by a good dom - is something that does turn me on just by thinking about it.

I'm interested to see what Ume comes up with. He decided he wanted to give the story a more modern setting, so it won't be purely a Skyrim fanfic. I'm also getting the urge to try writing my own erotica. I've tried before, but I've never been able to finish a story; either I feel too incredibly awkward to write out the sex scene, or I get so turned on by it that I start fapping furiously, and then I forget.

Dork alert!

Every summer I get a farmer's tan of sorts, with my extremities being much darker than my torso and a steady gradation between the two. I know normally this is to be avoided - hence tanning booths and so on - but I actually kind of like it. It makes me feel like a Siamese or Balinese cat. :3

Angry kitty

Thursday night Master and I had an excellent play session. It wasn't terribly fancy - mostly just tying up and spanking - but there were some new twists that I really enjoyed.

First Master had me take off my shirt and underwear, keeping on just my little green punk skirt. Then he bound my arms and legs with thick black rope, winding the rope down my arms and up my calves to keep me from twisting them. He blindfolded me and gave me an incredible spanking, switching between the wooden paddle, his hand, and the riding crop. Master was absolutely merciless, and he definitely pushed my pain tolerance. Then he fingered my bum; I can take two fingers now, though not very far.

After being fingered I realized I needed to pee, and I asked Master if I could go to the bathroom. "You may," he said. "Stand up." I struggled to my feet - still tied and blindfolded - and he slung me over his shoulder and carried me to the toilet. He left so I could pee, and when I was done he came back in. I was having trouble wiping because of how my wrists were tied, and he asked, "Do you need help?"

"Ummm... uh... yes," I admitted in a tiny voice. Master took the tissue from my hand and gently, ever so gently, wiped me clean. Then, just like that, he hoisted me over his shoulder again and carried me back to the bedroom, where he threw me down on the bed.

I think that was the tipping point for me. Needing help going to the bathroom had already made me feel deeply submissive; being bound, blindfolded, and completely disoriented as he tossed me around, depending entirely on his ability to keep me from harm - that sent me flying away into Kitten-land fast. Master lay down on the bed beside me and gave my butt a smack, making me mew. "There's my kitten," he murmured.

He fucked me hard and fast, and something about that night - I'm still not sure what - made me go a little crazy. I was yowling, clawing at the sheets, tearing at my bonds with my teeth. I wanted to rip something apart, to feel the rush that comes with destruction. I think it's called "displaced aggression" - when an animal is harassed by a dominant animal, they direct their frustration at something else (usually someone lower on the pecking order or an inanimate object) because they can't fight back. It was like that, but I wasn't mad at Master or anything. I loved it! I wanted to take all this energy, all this violence that he was pouring into me and direct it somewhere else to show him how fierce of a kitty he can make me.

Afterwards, Master held me as I trembled, stroking my skin and making reassuring noises. I was jumpy; I was on edge. When he touched me, I reflexively nipped at him, biting whatever was closest to my teeth. After this happened a couple times, Master decided he wouldn't have any more of it and grabbed the scruff of my neck, gently but firmly. I coiled, then relaxed under his grip; the energy dissipated, and all I wanted to do was fall into a deep, contented sleep.

Tradition

Master and I have recently started a new routine when I spend the night: as he brushes his teeth and futzes around, I make the bed. When I'm done, I strip down (I normally sleep in the nude) and curl up in my kitty-corner next to the bed and wait for Master to arrive.

He turns off the light and climbs into bed, and I ask if I can climb in too. He sometimes says "yes" right away, but usually he says "no" or "not yet." Then I curl up in my kitty corner while he scritches my head and he'll ask me a few questions - "Have you been a good girl today?" "Why do you like being my kitten?" - stuff like that. After talking for a few minutes, he lets me into bed, and we snuggle. ^_^

*warm fuzzies*

On roleplaying and owning cats

Master and I finally played again last night; he'd asked me to choose some old clothes that I didn't want to keep, and he would then rip them off me (after they'd been primed with a few well-placed snips) during a rape scene.

It's funny - yes, part of my love for roleplaying of that sort comes from the visceral thrill that rape invokes (oh, how I do love exploring the darker aspects of human psychology and society), but a good part of it is simply my love for acting. It's fun to pretend to be someone else; it's a mental exercise, a game. So when he holds the knife to my throat, even while I'm thinking, "Ohmygod is he gonna kill me?" I'm also thinking, "What could I do to make this more dramatic (that won't get one of us hurt)?" It's an interesting dualism; neither thought process detracts from the other. Yay cognitive dissonance?

Part that made me lol but not really: At one point I accidentally slipped out a, "Yes!" And Master heard it, and commented on it. ("Oh, you like it, huh?") I was like, Crap! I'm supposed to not like it! Uhh... fuck, I'll just run with it! Afterwards, Master commented, "I wasn't sure if your character liked it at the end or not."

"I wasn't sure either." Heheh.

Another tidbit of post-scene conversation: Master said to me, "You know, you don't have to be afraid to say I'm yours."

"Eh? How do you mean?"

"I mean sometimes I notice you seem... reluctant to say that I'm yours. You don't need to be."

I nodded; I knew what he meant. Up to that point, I'd made a conscious point of subverting any tendencies I had to claim some sort of ownership over him. I didn't want to make him feel like I wasn't actually submitting to him - something that had been a point of issue earlier in our relationship. When I explained this all to him, Master said, "Well, you may own a cat, but the cat also owns you."

~*~

I know the sterotype of cats is that they're independent to a fault, but that's not at all true. My ten-year-old cat is a farm cat at heart. She was born under a porch, and long ago we gave up on trying to keep her from adventuring outdoors. Yes, she's independent, but she's also formed an intensely strong relationship with me. My father recently told me that the day I left for school, she began to wander the hallways and cry incessantly. She sleeps next to me every night when I'm home. Though she doesn't hesitate to bite me when I cross some arbitrary boundary of hers, she never bites hard enough to actually harm me; just enough to get her point across.

I like to imagine that her relationship towards me is similar to mine and Master's. I love Master with everything that I am; I feel more keenly for him when he's gone, and when we're near I like to go "exploring," though I always return; Master punishes me when I'm out of line - and, conversely, I can rebuke him when he violates my personal set of rules - but that rarely comes up because our needs and wants are closely aligned most of the time; Master tends to dote on me; I'm so eager to please him that I'm sure it's at times exhasperating. :)

I'm sure many people would be perturbed that I just compared the most loving, committed relationship I've ever been in with my cat. But I can think of a lot worse things for my love life to be like.

Nummy

Master sent me a care package, and in it (among other things) were a new collar and a little metal food dish. With the dish came a note with instructions: I had to eat from it at least once a week, and Master even included a bag of Swedish fish for my first treat. :)

When I crouched on the floor and ate, I felt silly... but it also felt good. I wished that Master was there; I wanted to have his shadow fall over me as he stood over me, to feel his loving eyes watching me, his hands in my hair and on my body. I miss feeling the strength of his presence.

But that I still did as he commanded, even though he's miles away - that I still didn't consider disobeying - I suppose is a testament to our relationship. He holds that much sway over me; I trust him that much. It's a small gesture, in comparison to a lot of things. But I like where we're going.

Away

Well, I'm back at my family's home, and Master is back at his. We call each other a lot, but I still miss him terribly, and M too.

Last night, Master and I talked a bit about our future together. Next year, he wants to establish more protocol in our relationship. You know how I said earlier that I wasn't forbidden from the furniture? Yeah, well... that may change next year. I'm not sure how to feel about that. On the one hand, it's exciting to have a more intense D/s relationship. We've been fairly low-key up to this point, and ratcheting things up a notch is an exciting prospect. On the other hand, I think, Why can't I sit on the furniture? That's not fair! Granted, a lot of the time I sit on the floor anyway, but still. I don't feel submissive 100% of the time, and so I imagine that the 30% (or however much it is) of the time where I don't I'll be chafing at the restriction.

Which is the whole point, I suppose.

Master also said he's going to buy me a food dish! X3 I can't wait to see it. I wonder what kind of food he'll put in it - cereal, so it's like dry food? Or some sort of hot dish so it's more like canned food? Eeeeek! I want to just rub against his knee and nuzzle up in his lap while he scritches my head.

Now I miss him more. :(

What kitten wants

Our play is finished, thank God. During the cast party on Sunday night, we played "Never have I ever." You start out with five fingers up, and people take turns saying, "Never have I ever [insert something they've never done]." If you have done the thing stated, you have to put down one finger and take a drink. When you're out of fingers, the others can ask you one question which you must answer truthfully. It was lots of fun!

Well, at one point Master and I got out at the same time. The question I was asked (by M, no less!) was, "What's one thing you've wanted in your relationship but have never asked." Now I can get really shy about my sex life - even the vanilla parts - around my friends, so I started squirming and hemming and hawing and turning beet-red because I could think of something, but I was to embarrassed to say. Master rescued me by saying it was time for us to go, and M followed us because she wanted to talk to us. We stood on the front stoop of our friends' townhouse, and Master turned to me and asked, "What is it that you'd like?"

"I... uh... I..." I chewed on my lip and stared at my feet. "I'd really like... a food dish."

"A what?" I don't think Master heard me because my voice was so quiet.

"A food dish," I said, louder. "You know, a little bowl I could eat out of..." my confidence failed me, and I hid my face.

M grinned and gave me a hug. "Awww, that's so cute!" This did nothing to alleviate my embarrassment.

Master smiled and touched my arm. "I think we can do that," he said. "Why were you so afraid to ask?"

"Because it's embarrassing!"

"Why?"

I didn't know how to respond to him. I've wanted to incorporate pet-play more, I've wanted to be more kitten-like for a while. But to say that I want to be treated like an animal, even a loved and cherished one, out loud? I may already be transgressing societal mores, but they still influence me. I knew that Master wouldn't condemn me or think I'm weird. He knows I like to think of myself as a feline. But admitting it out loud is still something I have trouble with.