Friday, December 26, 2008

The Talk

When we get back on campus, Master and I are going to have The Talk. Not that Talk (I already know babies come from Raptor Jesus), but the Talk about where we want our relationship to go in the next few years.

We both want to stay together after he graduates this year, and we both would like for me to move to his city after I graduate next year - we've already determined that part. What we still need to work out is the logistics of how we'll get to that point. What will be the terms of our relationship while he's out of the country? While I'm still in school? That kind of thing.

We're also going to talk about our fears and uncertainties and how we're going to deal with them. I, for one, am worried by my past experiences with people who graduate, as we seem to inevitably lose contact with each other and just... drift apart. I'm terrified of that happening between me and Master. Obviously I shouldn't put too much weight on past experiences because those relationships weren't anything like what Master and I have. They were "just friends," as it were, while Master is infinitely more than that, making our bond that much stronger.

Still, I worry. I do that.

Thing is, I know I can live without Master. I'm not dependent on him for my survival. But it's getting harder and harder for me to imagine what a life without him would be like, and what I do imagine I don't particularly like.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Wah. :[

Master and I have gone to our respective homes for the holidays. While I was able to spend a good week with him in his hometown, it's very difficult to have good sex in a three-bedroom house with five to six other people in it. :/

While Master and I were hanging out in his family's pub, House, M.D. was playing on one of the TVs. It was an older episode that I'd somehow missed (I'm a rather rabid fan >.>) in which the patient of the day was a sub/bottom who also had a fetish for breath play* and was in a rather strict 24/7 relationship with a Domme. I didn't quite catch if she was a professional or not (the volume was too low to hear in the bar and the clost captioning was shit), but it seemed like a genuine loving relationship - not just a business arrangement.

Of course, there were good and bad things in this portrayal in the show. On the one hand, Chase was/had been a part of the scene, so he was sympathetic to the patient and his Domme; he guessed the nature of their relationship right away, but didn't want to "out" them and stayed silent (whether he should have as a doctor is another thing), and he stood up for them when Cuddy barred the Domme from the hospital. And the smile on his face when he watched the two reunite was priceless!

That was outweighed by the general disgust of the rest of the cast, though - mostly Foreman and the clinic's laywer, as well as Cuddy. And the patient's family, of course - but they were quite obviously painted as the "villains" in the episode: people so intolerant, so insensitive towards their son that they were almost willing to sit back and let him die. House took them to task quite thoroughly for that; and for his part, House cracked his off-color jokes about leather and so on, but for the most part didn't give a damn about what the patient did in the sack - very House of him, really.

As for the portrayal of the Domme and sub... I'm mixed. Though it was nice to see a D/s relationship that didn't have chains and latex all over the place, and the Domme was obviously very intelligent and cared deeply about her sub, I didn't like how the sub was portrayed as a spineless, sobbing twit without the Domme. I mean, Jesus Christ, I may be a sub, but I have enough self-esteem to make critical medical decisions about myself! For fuck's sake!

I also was perturbed that it was the sub's kink that made him wind up in the hospital. I mean, even though the general tone was vaguely sympathetic, the fact that the sub had to give up his fetish or die gave seemed to give a "he got what was coming" message. But I may be reading to much into it - and I wasn't able to catch all of the episode before they turned to a football game, so maybe I'm missing a critical part that changed the entire meaning of the episode.

*I've noticed that whenever BDSM is featured in the media, it almost always involves erotic asphyxiation - to an extent much further than it seems to feature in the actual community. I wonder what it is about breath play that makes it particularly alluring to TV writers; perhaps the fact that it's so obviously dangerous makes it easier to vilify? After all, you wouldn't want the viewers to get any ideas.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Kinky vanilla?

(Taking a quick break from working on my final portfolio for my writing class.)

The other night Master and I had completely vanilla sex. Before we began, he laid out the "rules" - no spanking, no dirty-talking, no biting, no calling each other "Master" and "kitten." It was to be as "normal" as possible.

Let me tell you, it was weird. I mean, it was still sex, so it was nice, but it was absolutely bizarre. It felt so much more staged than our playsessions. I suppose it was - we were roleplaying as a vanilla college couple.

It was kind of cool, though, how I could feel Master restraining himself. I could sense that he wanted to grab me, to hold me down, to bite and smack me, but he didn't. He was practically trembling from the contained energy and violence. Oh man, was that awesome. That was definitely a turn-on.

Still, it wasn't something I'd want to do a lot. I definitely prefer kink. It's hard to believe that Master and I used to have sex that way all the time for an entire year. Buh. We talked about it afterwards, and we both agree that we could never go back to a plain vanilla relationship. No way, man. I've been too thoroughly corrupted. ;)

Thursday, December 4, 2008

On Incest

I admit it; I occasionally have incest dreams. When I told Master this, he said, "Oh yeah, I have those too," which reassures me this is a fairly normal occurrence. Considering how much more bizarre our minds are than we'd like people to believe, I'm not surprised. However, I've noticed there are two distinct types of incest dreams that I have.

The first kind involves actual members of my family, usually my siblings. In these dreams, the sex usually isn't depicted very positively; often I'll perceive a rank, putrid odor while dreaming about it, and even in the dream I often think, "Oh ew, what the hell am I doing?" It almost always involves multiple family members at a time; one time my entire family was there at once. The sex is usually frantic and furtive, and we're usually rolling around in garbage, like rats.

The second kind involves people whom my mind identifies as a family member but who is entirely fictitious. Invariably my "relative" is dashingly good-looking (and often closely resembles Master, ha!) and we always have the classic, angst-tastic, "NO, we cannot do this - our love is forbidden! ...BUT I CANNOT RESIST YOU," scene before making sweet, sweet love to each other. In other words, it's the stereotypical heterosexual (most of the time my "relative" is male) female fantasy, except with a twist.

If I were to hypothesize why I have these two starkly different types of dreams, I'd guess that it's two different ways of my brain playing with the incest taboo, in each case focusing on something different.

Let's face it - taboos are alluring. They're fascinating. They're sexy. That's the whole point of the story of Genesis. We're repulsed by taboos, but it is that very repugnance that makes them irresistible.

So. Incest. Definitely taboo.* But something my brain can't ignore. So it constructs these fantasies to explore this particular taboo. Sometimes it focuses on the reality of incest - that it's having sex with family members. This is something that I'm wired to find disgusting. So when I dream about it, my unconscious expresses its disgust even as it dreams about it. Other times, my brain focuses on why the taboo is alluring, which is because it's "forbidden." Oooooh, fun! Humans, instigators that we are, can't resist forbidden stuff. We love it. So my brain expresses how much it loves playing with the forbidden by constructing the ideal "relative" for me to get nasty with. Tee hee! Aren't I naughty - I'm doing something I'm not supposed to!

I wonder if I have incest dreams at a higher frequency than the average vanilla person, since I'm more in to busting taboos. (FWIW, I have 'em about once a month, if that.)

*Whether it's rightfully taboo is something else altogether, and something I don't know the answer to, so I won't get into that right now.