Sunday, November 29, 2009


Right now I really need someone to whom I can say, "My boyfriend probably had sex with another woman last night, and might again tonight, and even though we talked about it beforehand I'm feeling a little apprehensive and need to be reminded that yeah, I'm cared about too."

But all the people I'd normally turn to for that aren't here right now. :(

Tuesday, November 24, 2009


A while ago - before I went to visit Master - I had a very interesting experience with Lupa and a guy I'll call Finnian. He's a friend of ours, two years younger than Lupa and me, and he has a bit of a romantic history with Lupa, though the two have never been together officially.

Anyway, since the beginning of this year I've caught myself eying Finnian like a cat eying a plump squirrel. He's a good friend, he's funny, and he's attractive to boot - and I've been rather hungry now that Master's gone. But I know that Lupa still likes him (kind of; she's got mixed feelings) and he still likes her (probably), so I haven't done much more than watch him and chatter my teeth with anticipation.

However, there is one thing that Finnian and I both love to do, and that's torment Lupa. One night, Lupa was miserable from studying for a particularly vicious test, so Finnian and I took it upon ourselves to distract her. Our teasing and biting and licking escalated pretty quickly, but because we were in the living room we couldn't progress beyond a certain point without fear of it getting very awkward should a roommate happen to come in. But it was pretty obvious we all wanted to go further.

Master has been telling me I need to be more assertive. And Lupa and I had been joking for weeks about doing a "Twin Cougar Strike" on Finnian (a play on the name of an attack power in Dungeons & Dragons (yeah, we're super nerds)). This, I realized, was the perfect opportunity.

"Do you wanna go upstairs?" I whispered in Lupa's ear. After much incomprehensible flailing, Lupa nodded, so I helped her to her feet (her legs were already a little wobbly at this point). Then I turned to Finnian. "[Lupa] and I are going upstairs to have randy lesbian sex," I said, sounding much calmer than I felt. "You're welcome to come, if you'd like."

"Sure," Finnian said after a pause. "Might learn a thing or two."

So yeah. It was funny, because while I definitely participated, it felt a lot like I was orchestrating Lupa and Finnian's actions. Which was just fine - I like being a voyeur - but it was strange. It was much more intellectual, more "heady" than I usually am during sex. Sometimes I'd even be so explicit as to tell Finnian, "Do this," so he'd know precisely what Lupa liked, and a couple times I even manhandled the two into a better position for sexin'.

I don't think I'd call what I did "dominating," though, because I wasn't imposing my will on either of them. I was guiding them, giving them suggestions, that kind of thing. Mostly because both of them are pretty inexperienced compared to me. (And lordy do I feel weird saying that. Me? Experienced?!) Finnian was actually the least experienced of us, which was both fun and frustrating. It was fun because we got to experiment with what he liked, but it was frustrating because even he didn't know what he liked, so he couldn't just tell us. And his technique could use a little improvement, but that can only come with more practice! :)

Since then, I've wanted to be intimate with Finnian again - without Lupa. I'm not sure why I have that particular desire; I think it's a possession/dominance thing. "He's mine, see, I can do what I want with him." Which is petty, to be sure, and besides there's still the fact that there's more chemistry between those two than between him and me. Soooo it's probably not going to happen, but try telling my Id that.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009


Lupa and I visited Master this past weekend, and at last Master and I had an intensive play session. I was stressed out because my car was having troubles and I needed to travel 300+ miles the next day, so I asked Master if he could tie me up and help me relax.

He tied my wrists together and then bound them between my ankles; I felt very much like a trussed chicken (and, according to Master, looked like one, too), which made me feel both very silly and very vulnerable. I was also mildly embarrassed, which I liked; it added an extra shot of adrenaline.

Master spanked me for a bit, then pulled out a wood paddle that he found in one of the college dormitories, of all places. I've always found paddles to be rather intimidating; we don't use them often, and they look a lot more like actual weapons than other implements do, in my opinion. And do they ever sting! I haven't had a proper spanking in too long, so it was tough for me to take what Master dished out, but I think Master could tell, as he wasn't nearly as mean as he could have been.

My hands eventually started to go numb (I was lying on my side and my legs were squishing them), so Master loosed them and had me suck his cock for a while. At some point during all this, Lupa knocked and Master let her in. He wanted to show her what a lovely little pet he had - and she naturally wanted to play, too! So we got her out of her clothes right quick, and Master fucked both of our brains out while we used each other's shoulders and thighs as gags. Om nom nom. Lupa has a nice line of bruises now that I get to poke.

At one point, before Lupa joined in, Master ordered me to describe in detail what I was going to do with his cock. I'm often shy/awkward about dirty talk, which he's been trying to help me get over - but when I get all submissive and kitten-y I tend to get tongue-tied, so for a while all I could do was stammer, "Um, ah, Imma... um..." Master gently grasped my chin, turned my head to the side, and slapped my cheek. It wasn't very hard - the brief sting was nothing compared to what he does to my ass - but it was very... profound. It reinforced Master's dominance just as effectively, if not more so, than even a hard spanking.

"Use your words, Kitten," Master chastised. When I didn't get my act together quickly enough, he slapped me again, and finally my tongue was loosened enough to give a timid, but adequate, description of how I'd taste his cock.

Master had never slapped me before, and I distinctly remember thinking it was a hard limit of mine not too long ago. But I wasn't bothered by it at all; it was unexpected, sure, and I was pushed pretty deep into subspace from it, but not in a bad way. Perhaps I would have been set off if he'd done it harder, but Master didn't use much force at all; I imagine he was trying to go for a psychological effect instead of a physical one.

Interestingly, when he slapped my right cheek I didn't really flinch, but I shied away rather violently when he tried to slap my left cheek. (He just did the right cheek again, instead.) I think it's because I was in a play two years back in which I had to get slapped by another actor, and my right cheek was the one that was slapped. And we practiced that scene a lot - until I wouldn't flinch, since my character didn't know it was coming, even though I did. I had no idea that training was still ingrained in me.

Anyway, in all it was a lovely session. :)

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Unwarranted self-importance

Sometimes I get envious of Master because he gets to have all these fun sexcapades in the city while I'm stuck on campus in the boonies. Theoretically this shouldn't be a problem, since I've got scads of close friends who love cuddling and such, but somehow it never works out quite the way I'd like.

Master says I'm just not confident enough - that I need to take initiative more and seize the opportunity to get the people I fancy.

I think he has a point, but at the same time I don't want to get into the mindset that I deserve other people and that it's odd if people don't want to be with me. Such entitlement is repugnant, whether in a man or a woman.

But I don't know how to find the balance point yet. So I'm just going to sit here and be miserable for now.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Breath of fresh air

I recently participated in a photo shoot for C, a friend of mine. It was a "Last Supper"-esque tableau of several people in various states of undress doing kinky/bizarre things. My assigned role was pseudo-suspension; another student, H, who's a fellow shibari enthusiast rigged up a chest harness, tied my bent leg up to my chest, and then threw the slack over a hook in the ceiling while I sat on a cleverly-hidden stool. When the time came to take the picture, I wrapped the slack around my wrists, stood up so I was balancing on one foot, and voila! - the appearance of suspension without the actual hassle.

This was the first time since Master left that I got to participate in significant shibari, and it reminded me exactly what I love about it. The feeling of the rope against my skin, the meditative aspect of waiting patiently while all the knots are secured, and the aesthetic appeal of the ropes were all delicious, even though the sexual aspect was stripped as much as possible from the situation. (This was for art, after all; we needed to stay professional. Or as professional as one can be when frolicking around a room, naked.)

But the artistic atmosphere lent its own appeal. I love art, and I love performance, and I love consciously trying to pose my body in a way that is artistic. The concept of the body (male and female) as a work of art is one that I enjoy exploring; the human form was my favorite subject of my own photography, and one I was most successful in shooting, I think. So I got an intellectual thrill (and a way to indulge my vanity) from the shoot, too.

I wasn't the only one trussed up; Z, another friend of mine (who played the role of the "supper") was hog-tied on the table while wearing nothing but stilettos and panties. H used a technique that I don't think Master has ever used on me; it involved a series of loops - I think she called the knot a butterfly knot - around Z's arms, which were held extended behind her back. The results were breathtaking; it basically was one of these made out of rope. Having the rope loop around the heels of Z's stilettos (one of my favorite images when viewing shibari) only added to the awesomeness. (Z was also very pleased, of course.)

I'd known before then that H was interested in shibari, but I'd never really seen her work before, and I was blown away (as I told her many times). I kind of want to ask her to tie me up again - just tie me up and let me bask in the sensation for a while, maybe take some pictures for posterity - but she's a very shy woman and we're not terribly close. I think it'd be too awkward. However, when C found out I enjoy being tied up and photographed he said he'd might ask me to pose for him again. If it means I get to satiate my kink drive, I'm all for it!