Blowing off the dust

I haven't posted for a while, for no real reason other than I haven't felt like it. I'm in a comfortable place w/r/t my kinkiness and my feminism, so I haven't needed to hash that out here; I'm still in an LDR (well, multiple LDRs), so I don't get a lot of play-time to recount; things have, overall, been quiet.

One change that has occurred over the months, though, is that I no longer identify as a sub; I identify as a switch now. I still submit to Master, of course, but I now dom Ume more than vice-versa. So it feels wrong to call myself just a sub.

I think I just wasn't confident enough in myself to "take control" as a dom before. Women are supposed to be submissive, so it was easy for me to adopt that role. But now I've been sexually active for almost six years, and kinky for just a little bit less time, so now I feel competent enough to dom. But subbing is still a lot of fun, so there's no way I'm going to stop doing that!

I should probably rename this blog, though, to more accurately reflect my new identity. Any ideas are welcome.

MFMFF

I participated in my first MFMFF fivesome this weekend with Ume, Gene, Master, and Lupa. It was originally supposed to be a foursome, but we picked up Lupa on the way. :D

It was a lot of fun, even though it was mostly "one guy on this bed, one guy on this bed, ladies switch up occasionally." I suppose that's what'll happen when you have one straight guy and one mostly-straight guy. I kind of wish I had a little more time to fuck Ume, but Master called the safeword and requested we change partners. At first I was worried that I'd somehow done something wrong - had I broken a rule without realizing it? had I done something to trigger jealousy? - but he says he enjoyed the experience, so I suppose I shouldn't fret about it. He's always taken safewords much less... hmmm... seriously? than me. As in, I tend to think (whether rightly or wrongly) that safewords should only be used for "WHOA BACK THE FUCK UP" situations, while he uses them more as in, "time out, I'm breaking character for a sec," such as if I just cracked a joke that made him giggle in a very un-domly matter.

We all agreed that it'd be fun to do again sometime. I hope that winds up happening.

Although I think I'd like to take a more toppy (or at least switchy/combative) role with Ume next time we're together. While I didn't have a problem being subby towards him, it definitely wasn't the same as submitting to Master. Then again, it's likely no one else can replicate the way Master makes me feel.

I'm starting to think that I'm more a straight-up switch, and there's just something about Master that brings out the uber-sub in me.

Out of time

In the same way that populations level out once they've reached carrying capacity, I've reached carrying capacity in my romantic population. Though I'd like to find a lady lover in my home town, I simply do not have the time or the energy, especially considering lady-loving ladies are much harder to come by than lady-loving dudes.

But then I feel shitty because it's almost like I'm falling into heterosexuality out of laziness. :(

I just discovered there's a gay bar just a few blocks from my apartment. I should hit it up sometime soon.

I got very little sleep

Beltaine was fun, for the most part. Master, Lupa and I went to the beach and set up a (slightly illegal) camp. We had delicious hobo stew for dinner, lounged around and played the harmonica and banjo, and generally had a fine time. Once it was dark, we stripped naked and jumped over the campfire before running back to the tent. It was cold at first, but we were able to warm the tent up pretty quick. ;)

We ended up not bringing enough padding/blankets, so I didn't actually get any sleep that night, being squished between the other two, but otherwise it was fun.

The night before, Master and I talked about polyamory, specifically my propensity for it, about how I'm only jealous if I'm not friends with whomever Master sleeps with. I also get a little twinge of jealousy if he doesn't come inside me during group sex, but it's not that huge a deal for me. I think it's an evolutionary holdover - his genetic material is for me, goddamn it - and therefore pretty easy to rationalize into submission.

Master also talked about how, when it came down to it, he doesn't think he could have sex with a guy. "That usually means you're straight, you know," I said teasingly. He agreed to an extent, but said he's still figuring out his identity. I remember when I was coming into my identity as queer in high school; it wasn't always fun. Hopefully Master will have an easier time of it, whatever conclusion he reaches. Whatever happens, I'll definitly be willing to lend a supportive ear and mind.