Master recently asked me if I considered my kinky "personas" as separate characters, and/or if I pretend to be specific fictional characters when I'm sceneing. I had to think about it for a bit because it's not really something I consciously consider when I slip into my Dom or sub roles. But I realized I do at least have characters that are "points of inspiration" for me, though I don't necessarily pretend to be them, specifically.
My muse for domming is Number Six from Battlestar Galactica. She is the type of woman that I try to be when I'm domming: sultry, sexy, and seductive; someone who knows exactly what she wants, and has no hesitations about using others to get it; a person who relies more on force of personality and psychological manipulation than physical force.
When I imagine my "Domme self," I imagine a woman who looks like her (though not necessarily as blonde as her, as my hair is nothing like that). I like to imagine myself in slinky dresses and elegant jewelry (things which are sadly underrepresented in my actual wardrobe), and with high heels that I can somehow walk in effortlessly. The femme fatale, if you will. It's funny because I'm normally nowhere near that femme in my everyday appearance, nor do I particularly want to be. But my conception of domming is inextricably linked with high femme, for whatever reason.
My muse for subbing - and this one is a little more embarrassing to admit - is Merle from Escaflowne. The feline aspect is obvious, however, there are other reasons why my kitten persona is similar to hers. She is fiercely loyal to her Lord, but not in a simpering way; she has a lot of fight and mischievousness in her. She's bubbly, talkative, eager to please, and doesn't care too much for fancy-shmancy attire or surroundings.
I'm not sure if I imagine my kitten persona as looking similar to Merle, besides the catlike features; my mental self-image is much murkier in that regard, for some reason. I do imagine myself as being considerably shorter and smaller than everyone else, like Merle is. I'm not sure how old Merle is supposed to be, as there are "adult" catpeople who are bigger and more grown-up-looking in the show, but age difference doesn't really factor in as part of my persona (the childishness implied in "kitten" notwithstanding).
How much do you like being owned? That is an 8-10 to me. I get a real thrill knowing that I am Master's pet, and his alone.
How much do you like to serve? 5-7. Sometimes I enjoy serving Master, but other times I prefer to be pampered by him.
How much do you want to be degraded, yelled at, called "dirty" or a "slut"? 4-8. This one varies wiiiidely. On the one hand, I love it when he calls me his "slut" and his "cum bucket" and other sexually-charged things like that. On the other hand, I hate hate hate being called stupid, or a bitch, or things like that that aren't explicitly sexually charged.
How much do you want to be tied down and restrained? 10!!! This is my favorite - both physically and psychologically!
Do you want or need to be beaten? I'd say this is an 8. I really crave a good spanking, but I'm pretty sure I'm a wuss compared to a lot of subs when it comes to physical punishment.
How much do you like to be fucked? 10!!! BDSM and sex are pretty closely tied for me.
How much do you desire to be given away? 5. On the one hand, I like the fantasy of it. On the other hand, I would not want it to mean I couldn't be with Master anymore, and I wouldn't want it to be with someone I wouldn't have sex with on my own anyway. (So it's a pretty select list, when you get down to it.)
I participated in my first MFMFF fivesome this weekend with Ume, Gene, Master, and Lupa. It was originally supposed to be a foursome, but we picked up Lupa on the way. :D
It was a lot of fun, even though it was mostly "one guy on this bed, one guy on this bed, ladies switch up occasionally." I suppose that's what'll happen when you have one straight guy and one mostly-straight guy. I kind of wish I had a little more time to fuck Ume, but Master called the safeword and requested we change partners. At first I was worried that I'd somehow done something wrong - had I broken a rule without realizing it? had I done something to trigger jealousy? - but he says he enjoyed the experience, so I suppose I shouldn't fret about it. He's always taken safewords much less... hmmm... seriously? than me. As in, I tend to think (whether rightly or wrongly) that safewords should only be used for "WHOA BACK THE FUCK UP" situations, while he uses them more as in, "time out, I'm breaking character for a sec," such as if I just cracked a joke that made him giggle in a very un-domly matter.
We all agreed that it'd be fun to do again sometime. I hope that winds up happening.
Although I think I'd like to take a more toppy (or at least switchy/combative) role with Ume next time we're together. While I didn't have a problem being subby towards him, it definitely wasn't the same as submitting to Master. Then again, it's likely no one else can replicate the way Master makes me feel.
I'm starting to think that I'm more a straight-up switch, and there's just something about Master that brings out the uber-sub in me.
There are some songs I like that, whether because of the music video or the lyrics or je ne sais quoi, really trigger the kinky side(s) of me when I hear them. While I don't generally have a "soundtrack" or background music of any sort when I scene (or if I do, it's not chosen specifically to get me in the "kinky" mood), I do enjoy the subby or dommy feelings that these songs elicit when I'm in the car, or at work, or anywhere that I happen to hear them. It's a way to indulge my kinkiness anywhere I please without getting arrested! :D
First, let's get the obvious one out of the way: Rihanna's "S&M"
Yeah, I know this one's almost too easy. I haven't really looked at how the kink community responded to this song, so I don't know what kind of critiques it's faced. (Though I'd be interested to read them, if anyone would be so kind as to point me in the right direction.) I imagine the most obvious is the usual "appropriating kink just for shock value/sales," but for some reason I feel this isn't the case (as much as it usually is, anyway).
This video discards most of the kink stereotypes - there isn't a black leather catsuit to be seen! - and has several kinks featured that are generally ignored outside the scene, like mummification in plastic wrap. And that's why I like this video. It feels more like how I actually experience kink much of the time - bright and fun and chaotic and goofy. None of that gloomy dungeons-and-leather stuff. (Not that there's anything wrong with that! I'm just usually not in the mood for it.)
It also hits on several specific kinks of mine: shibari, mummification, petplay, flogging, and being put on display. (Not sure if that counts as exhibitionism? It has a different feel to it than what I associate with the term.)
Also, I'd be topped by Rihanna. Any day.
Next up: Katy Perry's "E.T."
There's a lot to criticize about Katy Perry - I am incredibly ambivalent and uncomfortable about her (in?)famous "I Kissed A Girl" for reasons that deserve their own post - but this song and video only make me go, "OMG YES YES WANT."
This one's interesting because it throws my fetishes at odds with each other, kind of, but in a neat way. I'm very turned on by the idea of abduction by an alien creature, so when I see Katy Perry's alien (OMG THOSE EYES *SWOONS*) I want to be dominated by it/her. Yet it's the alien who's singing about being dominated. (by a human?) So I simultaneously empathize with the alien and am objectifying it.
The mixture of both death and life imagery, and tying both in with sexual ecstasy, is also very appealing to me because, on those occasions where I'm not in the mood for happy-bubbly-funtimes kink, I feel kink is a way to explore existential issues. Pain is also pleasure; life is also death. (Le petit mort, anyone?) These contradictory concepts are part of what makes kink appealing.
Also, human-animal hybrids! YUM!
Next: Lady GaGa's "Teeth"
This one also arouses contradictory feelings in me, in that it appeals to both my dommy and my subby side. On the one hand, GaGa sings about "[loving] you with my hands tied," says "my religion is you," and entreats the listener to "take a bite of my bad girl meat," and "show me your fangs," which suggests she's bottoming to an aggressive creature - something I empathize with, of course.
On the other hand, she commands, "Open your mouth, boy," and reassures him, "Don't be scared; I've done this before." Indeed, the oft-repeated imperative, "Show me your teeth," is pretty dommy - think of how vulnerable we all are when we're lying in the dentist's chair! It invokes the image of GaGa (or me >:3) leering over a helpless man* strapped to a chair, one hand forcing his mouth open for inspection, like a horse at a market.
I'm a little hesitant to post this last one, but for the sake of being honest: Kanye West's "Monster" (TRIGGER WARNING: Graphic depictions of violence against women.)
I first saw this video on Feministing in a post taking him to task for the shockingly violent imagery he has in this video. I think the poster has a good point that the narrative of white women are victims/black women are animals (and black men love to rape/kill white women) is incredibly problematic and not nearly as "edgy" or "avant-garde" as I'm sure Kanye was hoping to be.
And yet... I love werewolves. I love seeing "masculine" werewolf traits expressed in women, especially, and I'm fascinated by the monstrous in general. Plus the dualism of Nikki Minaj's scene, where she torments herself, really plays with my switchiness (Do I empathize with the top or bottom? Is she top or bottom? Both!) - and those fangs! *fans self* And the scene where Kanye is being grabbed by the dozens of hands, and you can tell that he's enjoying it even as they nearly overpower him... mm-mmm.
What songs or music videos appeal to your kinky side?
*Interestingly, my dommy fantasies are almost exclusively about dominating men, while I fantasize about subbing to men and women about equally; to make it more complicated, in practice I've almost never topped a man - only women.
We sat on the bus, under the sterile fluorescent lights, the only other passengers a thirtysomething couple several rows up. Master pulled me close to whisper in my ear. "I can't wait to get home, tie you down, fuck your tight little pussy, and fill it up with my hot cum." I wiggled at the power of his words; I probably blushed, too. "It makes me hard just thinking about it," he said. "Feel how hard I am."
I pulled back to meet his gaze, my eyes wide and serious. "No! I can't. Not right now."
"Why not?" he asked.
"'Cause... people will see." I slouched forward in my seat, bashful.
Master was not impressed. "Who will see?" He flicked his eyes towards the other couple, who were gazing straight ahead, oblivious to us behind them.
"The bus driver," I said, gazing fearfully at the rounded mirror at the front of the bus.
"The bus driver is watching the road. Now do it. Here I'll even put my hand in the way so they can't see," he said, crossing his leg and resting one arm on it.
I put my hand on his thigh, then hesitated.
"Do it. Do it or I won't fuck you."
Faced with that ultimatum, I reached out with my pinkie to stroke the hard shape beneath his pants, then pulled my hand away. Master smiled.
"Good girl."
----
"You know," Master said, "I've been thinking about your subbiness, and I think you don't actually want a boss - you want a bad guy to fight against. You want the conflict."
"Yeah," I said. "But... it's not that I want a bad guy; I want an antagonist. An antagonist isn't necessarily a bad guy; he's like a rival or a foil."
Master gave Tapeti a collar over the weekend - a cute pink one with silver threading. It didn't come with any stipulations; she isn't beholden to him or me at all, and she can wear it (or not wear it) as she pleases. She was mighty pleased with it!
However, I got the impression that Lupa was a little sad that she did not get a collar. She has known Master and me longer than Tapeti has, but it's harder for us to feel... relationship-y towards her. I think it's for a couple reasons.
While Tapeti is a hardcore sub/bottom, Lupa is a super-switch, and neither Master nor I know quite what to make of that. Though sometimes I can be a little bit of a brat towards Master, and though I do like to assert myself over other people, switching roles frequently - sometimes multiple times in the same scene, as Lupa does - just confuses me. It's hard for me to completely reorient my headspace at the drop of a hat; it reminds me of one time when I was asked to play two of my characters - mother and son - at the same time in a tabletop game. Trying to hop between two mindsets was too much for me, and eventually I needed the GM to take over one of them. (As an aside, I think that's why I'm not a very successful GM, too.)
So I don't know where I stand with Lupa - is she dominant over me? She often co-tops with Master, and finds great glee in tormenting me. I'm more sexually experienced than her, though, and that leads to me often taking the initiative with her and "leading" the encounter - not to mention that she is incredibly physically sensitive, so it's pretty easy for me to subdue her with a few bites and caresses. But, on the other hand, she gets cranky if she doesn't get the opportunity to tie someone up! I can only imagine how difficult it is for Master to get a bead on her.
Tapeti, by comparison, is pretty straightforward. She is submissive. Very, very submissive. Much more so than I am, so by default I'm above her in the "pecking order" of our little kinky menagerie. The chain of command is clear: Master > Me > Tapeti. With everything so clear-cut, it's easier for us to integrate her into our relationship.
I'd feel worse for Lupa, except that she's explicitly told me that she prefers being able to act as she pleases, without the ties of an official "relationship." She definitely values her independence; I don't think she's been in a monogamous relationship her entire life.
It's funny - for a wolf, Lupa sure resists clear-cut hierarchies. She sure is an odd one. But I love her anyways.
In Master's absence I've been tentatively exploring my dominant side a bit more. I still have a hard time feeling truly comfortable expressing dominance - especially towards men (damn our patriarchal society!) - but I've been getting a feel for what kind of dominance turns me on.
Enter Male Submission Art. So many pretty men! :D The blog-keeper's commentary on each post is nice, too. From what I gather he's a submissive man himself, and I don't think I've read/followed many blogs that feature male subs. While theoretically that shouldn't make a difference - a sub is a sub - the fact is that our gendered society makes the experience of submission different for men and women, I think. Or at least it's different from my perspective.
Because men are expected to dominate and women are expected to submit, the most obvious difference is that male submission has an element of transgression beyond what female submission has. Of course, this doesn't mean that female submission is bad for reifying the gender binary or whatever; however, it does mean we have to approach it and process it differently.
The other day Ume sent me a link to a post on Reddit. I don't follow the site, but apparently they do this thing where someone posts "I am [brief, attention-grabbing description]. Ask me anything." And anyone curious can ask them a question about the OP's particular situation. The link he sent me was a woman in a "completely submissive" relationship with her fiancee, and he wanted to know my reaction to the questions and her answers.
My perception was that, for the most part, the questioners were genuinely curious and mostly respectful. There were a few smartass "I want me one of these," and "Make me a sammich," comments, and one or two "OMG ABUSIVE" remarks, but most of the people seemed to come from a position of just wanting to learn about a unique relationship style.
As for the OP, my reaction to her was similar to almost any other submissive woman's description of her relationship that I read; there were some parts that resonated deeply with me, and other parts that squicked me to no end. She spoke of how the strictness of their relationship had loosened over time, and I nodded; she said that her master would physically punish her when she misbehaved - not "punish" for fun, but truly punish her, and I almost threw the computer across the room in horror. But then she eloquently described how she'd do anything her master said, but she trusted him not to make her do anything ridiculous, and that trust was a huge part of the relationship, and I was all nods and appreciative noises again.
Lupa, who's rooming with me this year, saw the post as well, and brought it up while we were lounging in the living room. "So how lifestyle are you and [Master]?" she asked.
I pursed my lips, not sure how to answer the question. "Well... I don't wear this collar for fashion..."
"Yeah I know. I mean - does he make all the decisions for you? That kind of thing."
I shrugged. "Not... really. It's mostly that... sometimes I don't want to make a decision. And then I ask him to make it for me, and I trust him to make the best one."
Though Lupa was satisfied with the answer, I'm not sure if I accurately described our relationship. It's just so hard to feel like it's 24/7 when he's not here (or I'm not there). And most of the D/s in our relationship is just little things: I kneel beside him while he's at his computer and rest my head on his lap; I make the bed before we turn in; he gently grabs the scruff of my neck. Usually my deferral to him is so subconscious that I hardly even notice it; it's like second nature to me.
It might be time for Master and me to go over the "terms" of our D/s again, just to update anything that needs updating and to make sure we're still on the same page. Fortunately he's coming up to visit soon.
When I was in high school, I fell in love with a manga series called Revolutionary Girl Utena. The plot is rather complicated (and doesn't make a whole lot of sense, tbh), but the gist is something like this: Utena (the girl with pink hair) is saved as a little girl by a strange, noble man whom she considers her "prince." She decides that she must do everything she can to become a "prince" herself in honor of this man, and during her search for her childhood benefactor she winds up at a private boarding school.
At this school, the members of the student council participate in secret ritual duels over the hand of the "Rose Bride," Anthy (the girl with purple/black hair). Whoever consummates their marriage with the Rose Bride gains the godlike powers of a being alternatively referred to Dios and World's End. Utena, ignorant of the mystical stuff going on, is disgusted by some of the members' treatment of Anthy and takes it upon herself to become Anthy's "prince" - to protect her from mistreatment - and unknowingly/unwillingly gets drawn into the struggle to claim World's End.
When I first read the series, I enjoyed it because I identified strongly with Utena - playing with traditionally masculine ideas such as being a "prince" and athletic, but still with feminine touches, such as long pink hair and good fashion sense. I also liked that Utena and Anthy, at least superficially, resembled me and my then-girlfriend - though she was bi-racial Latina/Native American instead of Indian, as Anthy appears to be, and though my girlfriend was far from the feminine, passive person that Anthy was (and was, in fact, a better athlete than me). It was also one of the only lesbian manga series widely known at the time (to me, anyway) so there was a bit of a "beggars can't be choosers" thing going on.
Re-reading it several years later, I'm a little less enthusiastic about it. First, the lesbian themes in it aren't nearly as strong as they seemed at first. There's one side character who's explicit about her crush on Utena, but as far as a relationship between Utena and Anthy, it doesn't seem to progress a whole lot beyond friendship. Though the two are technically "engaged" for most of the series, Utena is actively fighting to dismantle that concept and is more concerned with helping Anthy grow into her own than forging a close relationship. They only share one little kiss during the "consummation ceremony" - and then (SPOILER ALERT), since the whole thing was just a charade to trap Utena, the actual "consummation" is Utena being symbolically penetrated by Anthy's brother. Kind of the opposite of lesbianism. Perhaps Utena and Anthy's relationship is more explicit in the anime or the OVA; I haven't seen either.
I also examined the idea of sexual servitude more closely this time around, for obvious reasons. Anthy, as the Rose Bride, is bound to be completely servile to whomever "wins" her in a duel. Though the sexual implications aren't brought up explicitly, it's not much of a stretch to figure them out. The concepts of sexual coercion and power in general are brought up multiple other times, mostly involving various men attempting to control Utena or Anthy. The way these themes are handled left me feeling... ambivalent?
For most of the series, Anthy is little more than a passive receptacle for the desires of others. Though she comes into her own at the end of the series (with Utena's help), I felt like the reasons why she was so submissive in the first place weren't adequately explored. Love for her "brother(s?)" played a strong part, but I felt that was kind of a cop-out. How was Anthy's love different from Utena's protective love? Was it different? Most of the time it was almost impossible to tell when Anthy was telling the truth, which, while it made her a more interesting character, makes it different to tease out the true nature of her submission.
Also, while power dynamics of many configurations play out between both men and women, it is only when men exert power over women that power takes on a sexual tone. At one point a character, describing another's manipulations, says that it's all the same - man or woman. But it's not, regardless of whether we want it to be; to ignore that fact passes up a great opportunity to explore.
There's also the problematic construct of "prince=protector/princess=protected." While Revolutionary Girl explicitly says that both men and women can be princes and princesses (and gives examples of female princes and male princesses), I'm not sure if it's really all that subversive or revolutionary. Princes have been rescuing princesses for centuries; isn't it just confirming old gender roles? *shrugs*
Thursday night Master and I had an excellent play session. It wasn't terribly fancy - mostly just tying up and spanking - but there were some new twists that I really enjoyed.
First Master had me take off my shirt and underwear, keeping on just my little green punk skirt. Then he bound my arms and legs with thick black rope, winding the rope down my arms and up my calves to keep me from twisting them. He blindfolded me and gave me an incredible spanking, switching between the wooden paddle, his hand, and the riding crop. Master was absolutely merciless, and he definitely pushed my pain tolerance. Then he fingered my bum; I can take two fingers now, though not very far.
After being fingered I realized I needed to pee, and I asked Master if I could go to the bathroom. "You may," he said. "Stand up." I struggled to my feet - still tied and blindfolded - and he slung me over his shoulder and carried me to the toilet. He left so I could pee, and when I was done he came back in. I was having trouble wiping because of how my wrists were tied, and he asked, "Do you need help?"
"Ummm... uh... yes," I admitted in a tiny voice. Master took the tissue from my hand and gently, ever so gently, wiped me clean. Then, just like that, he hoisted me over his shoulder again and carried me back to the bedroom, where he threw me down on the bed.
I think that was the tipping point for me. Needing help going to the bathroom had already made me feel deeply submissive; being bound, blindfolded, and completely disoriented as he tossed me around, depending entirely on his ability to keep me from harm - that sent me flying away into Kitten-land fast. Master lay down on the bed beside me and gave my butt a smack, making me mew. "There's my kitten," he murmured.
He fucked me hard and fast, and something about that night - I'm still not sure what - made me go a little crazy. I was yowling, clawing at the sheets, tearing at my bonds with my teeth. I wanted to rip something apart, to feel the rush that comes with destruction. I think it's called "displaced aggression" - when an animal is harassed by a dominant animal, they direct their frustration at something else (usually someone lower on the pecking order or an inanimate object) because they can't fight back. It was like that, but I wasn't mad at Master or anything. I loved it! I wanted to take all this energy, all this violence that he was pouring into me and direct it somewhere else to show him how fierce of a kitty he can make me.
Afterwards, Master held me as I trembled, stroking my skin and making reassuring noises. I was jumpy; I was on edge. When he touched me, I reflexively nipped at him, biting whatever was closest to my teeth. After this happened a couple times, Master decided he wouldn't have any more of it and grabbed the scruff of my neck, gently but firmly. I coiled, then relaxed under his grip; the energy dissipated, and all I wanted to do was fall into a deep, contented sleep.
So there are two different major kinds of submission, as I've figured. I call them "submission" vs. "subjugation" - that is, willing and accepting subs versus what're commonly called "bratty" or "smart-ass" subs. In both cases the sub willingly submits, but in the first they don't struggle while in the second they like to challenge the Dom.
In my relationship with Master, I'm more of the first kind; I don't really resist when Master ties me up or anything like that - I can't bring myself to! On the other hand, when I'm looking at BDSM erotica, I prefer to see some element of struggle or conflict; it's more visually compelling, I think.
