Sizing up

Master gave Tapeti a collar over the weekend - a cute pink one with silver threading. It didn't come with any stipulations; she isn't beholden to him or me at all, and she can wear it (or not wear it) as she pleases. She was mighty pleased with it!

However, I got the impression that Lupa was a little sad that she did not get a collar. She has known Master and me longer than Tapeti has, but it's harder for us to feel... relationship-y towards her. I think it's for a couple reasons.

While Tapeti is a hardcore sub/bottom, Lupa is a super-switch, and neither Master nor I know quite what to make of that. Though sometimes I can be a little bit of a brat towards Master, and though I do like to assert myself over other people, switching roles frequently - sometimes multiple times in the same scene, as Lupa does - just confuses me. It's hard for me to completely reorient my headspace at the drop of a hat; it reminds me of one time when I was asked to play two of my characters - mother and son - at the same time in a tabletop game. Trying to hop between two mindsets was too much for me, and eventually I needed the GM to take over one of them. (As an aside, I think that's why I'm not a very successful GM, too.)

So I don't know where I stand with Lupa - is she dominant over me? She often co-tops with Master, and finds great glee in tormenting me. I'm more sexually experienced than her, though, and that leads to me often taking the initiative with her and "leading" the encounter - not to mention that she is incredibly physically sensitive, so it's pretty easy for me to subdue her with a few bites and caresses. But, on the other hand, she gets cranky if she doesn't get the opportunity to tie someone up! I can only imagine how difficult it is for Master to get a bead on her.

Tapeti, by comparison, is pretty straightforward. She is submissive. Very, very submissive. Much more so than I am, so by default I'm above her in the "pecking order" of our little kinky menagerie. The chain of command is clear: Master > Me > Tapeti. With everything so clear-cut, it's easier for us to integrate her into our relationship.

I'd feel worse for Lupa, except that she's explicitly told me that she prefers being able to act as she pleases, without the ties of an official "relationship." She definitely values her independence; I don't think she's been in a monogamous relationship her entire life.

It's funny - for a wolf, Lupa sure resists clear-cut hierarchies. She sure is an odd one. But I love her anyways.

A fun find

I found this place called dapperQ, which is a style website for masculine(ish)-presenting people that don't have the typical cis-male body. So awesome! Though it's brand new and doesn't have much up right now, I know I'll be going there for tips. And to look at all the pretty pictures of androgynous and butch people :3

Only problem: I've yet found a satisfying way to wear both a collar and a necktie. Currently, when I want to butch/queer it up, I just wear a very small, unobtrusive collar (more a choker or necklace) and then hide it under my shirt and tie. But I always feel a little bit dishonest doing that - like hiding your wedding ring or something, even though it obviously isn't on quite the same level. Does this mean I must resign myself to a necktie-less life? Woe!

Incognito

I find one way to draw attention away from my collars, when I'm going to be in situations where I want to be a little more subtle, is (paradoxically) to wear a necklace or two with it.By pairing my collar with a necklace or two, the whole thing blends together and the collar itself stands out less.

My particular favorite combo is my white leather collar with a replica of the One Ring on a silver chain. :)

Okay, so it's not exactly "subtle," but punk rockers draw less attention than BDSMers.

Negotiating

The place I'm working at this summer is much more "professional" than my previous jobs, which means no walking around in dog collars like I'm wont to do on a normal basis. I have several nice chokers that are very formal/professional, but unfortunately those tend to be more fragile and several of them are broken. (There's a reason I prefer regular pet collars!)

My mother has used this job as an excuse to buy me an entire new wardrobe, and she's intent on getting accessories to go with. It's difficult for me because I can't just say, "No, I can't/don't want to wear a regular necklace because I need to wear a collar or choker to symbolize my relationship with [Master]." I'm sure if she knew I was only interested in chokers it'd cut down on browsing time a lot, but as it stands I just wind up shaking my head a lot.

Almost Out, or, All In The Family

I went for a walk with my mother and the dog when two young guys on a tandem bike rode by. "Evening, ladies," one of them said jauntily. "I like your collar."

"He likes your collar," my mom said with a laugh. "Your collar!"

Her teasing was nothing new to me; I'd worn them on occasion even before I got into kink, and so by now I'd just learned to roll with it. "You done yet?" I asked.

"Why do you wear a collar? Is it an S&M thing?"

"Because I want to," I said without missing a beat.

I want to say that I'm just that smooth, that I can think on my feet when faced with an awkward situation. The truth is, I'd been mentally rehearsing for exactly this kind of scenario for some time. I've decided that my stock response to the question of why I wear my collar is, "Because I want to." It isn't lying - I certainly want to wear it, and love wearing it - but it's vague enough that I don't need to divulge more about my sex life than I'm comfortable with. Really, Mom's the only one who's asked me (though a handful of others have made cracks about it).

I feel somewhat hypocritical because I'm out to my parents about being queer. I had a girlfriend in high school; my parents were all aflutter over both of us when we went to prom, so I know they don't have problem with that. I think that part of it has to do simply with not being comfortable sharing details of my sex life with my parents. They undoubtedly know that I have sex with Master, and I've discussed birth control with them, but it was only in abstractions. I'm not one of those women who gossips with her mother about how great her lover is in bed.

An argument against that is that BDSM is more than just sex for me. Master and I live it 24/7; the collar is just one part of it. To say that coming out as queer to my parents was sharing my sex life is only telling half the picture; my pansexuality colors my entire worldview. Can the same be said of kink?

On a slightly related note, I suspect my brother is also into kink. I also suspect he suspects I'm into kink. And I suspect he suspects I suspect he's into kink. It's all very strange.

The deep end

Last night Master pushed my limits much further than he ever had before. He didn't really do anything new - anal, spanking, shibari, clothespins, ice cubes - but he spanked me longer and harder, the bondage was heaver than before, and he used the ice cube much more extensively. All of it in combination sent me much deeper into subspace than I'd ever gone before.

Anal has always been a surefire way to get me into subspace quickly. I'm not sure what it is about it, but I find it to be one of the most submissive acts possible. I think it's because 1) Master is touching me in a place I don't even touch myself, 2) Master could hurt me very easily there, so I'm at his mercy, and 3) it feels kind of like I have no control over my bowels. That's one of the most intensely personal functions one has, and even that was taken from me (or seemed to be, anyway). Afterwards, as I lay on the bed while Master washed his hands, I felt like a little baby. I was completely helpless. It was incredible.

And that was only the beginning. Over the next hour, Master pushed me even further. It was so strange to experience. I felt like I couldn't look Master in the face, I was so submissive. I couldn't tell what was pain and what was pleasure; the clothespins on my nipples felt exquisite, then I'd forget they were even there, then they'd be excruciating. I wasn't me anymore; I was kitten, and only kitten. At one point I said the safeword - I can't even remember why now - and when Master stopped to make sure I was okay and to reassure me, he used my real name. That pulled me out of it for a moment, and I was able to lock eyes with him. When we started again, however, I dived back down almost right away.

Afterwards, when Master was holding me, I started trembling and shaking. Apparently I was also slurring my words, but I didn't even notice that. All I could do was cling to Master as these little spasms wracked my body and try to put my mind back in order. My thoughts were all muddied and slow, and I still couldn't bring myself to look Master in the face or call him by his real name. I told Master that if he called me by my real name I'd probably snap out of it, but he said he didn't want me to just yet. So we lay there together for a while - I don't know how long. Master was a little worried about me because this had never happened to me before, but I assured him that I was okay and that he hadn't hurt me at all.

And I was exhausted. So completely exhausted! I was as weak as a newborn kitten. Thank goodness Master was there to take care of me.

Master told me once I'd completely come out of it that he wanted to keep things up at that intensity for a while, and once I was comfortable with it he'd push a little more. I'm a little nervous about what he's going to do next, but the thought of being pushed into that zone again makes me want to try it.

~~

On a side note, I got a new collar! It's a red dog collar. I really like it because it's durable and casual enough that I can wear it with my everyday clothes, but Master says it's a little less subtle than he's used to. I'd like to get a nametag for it someday. I'm not sure whether to put my real name, the nickname that everyone calls me, or Master's pet name for me on it. My pet name is kind of a secret, so I'm a little hesitant to use that one, even though it'd probably be most appropriate.