Monday, March 31, 2008


Master and I milled in the orange gloom of the darkroom. Outside, a late-season blizzard pawed at the doors, but we couldn't hear it over the music playing. I sat on a stool and flipped through a book of erotic photographs, occasionally pointing out ones I liked to Master while he paced between enlarger and developing sink.

When I finished the book, I crossed the room to where Master watched his latest print blossom in the developer. "Is it all right if I go?" I asked. Though it had been fun helping him set up the chemicals and such, it was getting late.

He turned and smiled, draping his arms over my shoulders. "Yes, you can go now. I won't be long." His smile acquired a devious air. "I've got something special planned for you tonight."

My eyes widened as he leaned forward and kissed my neck, my ear. "You do?" I squeaked.


"O-okay." I gave Master one last kiss before scurrying out.


I'm still waiting, and it's killing me! >.<

People who really should know better

A few days ago, a feminist blog I follow made a post regarding a male chastity device. It's pretty obvious that the thing's intended for BDSM fantasy play - or at least it is to me. The poster missed that the first time around, which is fine if she's not familiar with BDSM. Learn something new every day, right?

What really gets me, though, is that after making an edit saying she missed that it was intended for fantasy play the first time around, she ends it with "Men get to fantasize about having their sexuality controlled, while everyone tries to control a woman's. Funny, innit."

GAH. So if a guy's a Dom, he's exercising male privilege by subjugating poor sub women like me, but if a guy's a sub, he's exercising male privilege by indulging in fantasies of subjugation (that for some reason women like me are incapable of)?

Fuck. That. Shit. Just because I like being tied up and spanked during sex doesn't mean I like being paid less then the guy next door or ridiculed for "acting like a woman." Those are two completely different things! It's all about desire and consent. You'd think people claiming to be tolerant, liberated, etc. would know as much.

The real irony is, I don't think I'd be able to express my submissive sexual tendencies without the advances feminism has made regarding sexual expression and liberation. How d'ya like that?

And the real kicker? This post was tagged under "sexual assault." I don't even know WHAT to make of that. Seriously.

Fortunately, the vast vast majority of comments on the post were from people sharing my opinion. Yay for sex-positive and kink-positive feminism!

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Up and running, hopefully

Well, we've got a tentative date set for the first BDSM club meeting. I'm thinking of naming it "Anything But Vanilla." I'll run it by the others when we meet. So far, about six or seven people are attending; hopefully we'll be able to get more with time.

I really hope this works. This'll be the first organization that I've ever started, much less one that gets off the ground.

Sunday, March 23, 2008


On the night of the lingerie party, Master and I went back to my room. There, he told me to take off all my clothes. When I had, I stood before him, and he looked me up and down. "Aren't you forgetting something?" he asked.

"...You mean this?" I asked, touching my white leather collar.

He nodded. "Your earrings, too."

I began piling all my jewelry - my collar, my earrings, my rings - on my desk. I stopped and reached down, touching the little green anklet that I always wore, the first gift he ever gave me. "This, too?"

"Yes, that too."

When I had stripped myself of absolutely everything, I stood before him as he leaned against my bed. "How do you feel?" he asked me.

"Naked," I said.

"That's because you are naked," Master replied with a smile. He was right, of course, but this was a nakedness more profound than most. Even when I shower, I still always have my anklet on me. The only time I take it off is when I model for life drawing, and then I'm not truly naked. I'm still clothed in an invisible layer of art, of propriety, of anonymity. Master looked me up and down. "Do you remember when you said you wanted me to push your limits a little more?"

"Yes." My heart rate instantly doubled. What did he want me to do? Walk down the hallway naked? Something even worse?

He looked me in the eyes. "And you know I love you, right?"


"Close your eyes."

I complied, my throat dry with anticipation. After a few moments, I felt him put something in my hand, then he said, "You can open them now." I did, and saw in my hands... a leash. My leash. Except now I was on the opposite end, and the person wearing the collar was... not Master. He looked like Master, he used to be Master, but he was not Master. He looked small and helpless with the collar on. He dipped his head a bit, so he could look up at me like a child wanting sweets.

He was boy.

I pulled boy close and kissed him, long and hard. I examined my new toy, running my hands over his body. He was mine, I realized. For tonight, he was mine.

As I started playing with boy, I quickly found out that being a top is hard. I bent boy over and spanked him, but my slaps sounded pitifully quiet compared to Master's. "Do tell me if I'm hitting too hard - or not hard enough," I purred in boy's ear.

"Yes, Mistress," he said, then he winced as I smacked him again. After a bit, I realized I should switch it up. But what else could I do? I spotted my ruler on my desk. Well, I could just hit him with something else... So I swatted him with that for a bit. "Is that the hardest you can do?" boy asked.

I hit him with an extra-hard blow. "No." Another extra-hard smack. "And next time, don't be so impertinent."

I'm sure that, if a more experienced top were to watch my performance, they could point out all the ways I messed up. I tied boy's hands behind his back, then switched to his front when I realized I couldn't reach his bum well. I made him go down on me, I used my belt on his gorgeous shoulders, leaving some nice-looking welts. I used a brush and my spiked collar on his bum, too. I tried to vary my rhythm, so boy would never know when or what I was going to do next.

Whenever I wasn't sure what to do next, I talked to him. "It's really a pity that we're not downstairs, " I said as I caressed his back and searched my room for inspiration. "Otherwise I could take an ice cube and run it over your body, making you squirm from the cold as it melted and the water ran down..."

Boy shuddered. "Are you telling me what you could be doing just to torment me?"

"Perhaps." I didn't tell him it was mostly because I was stalling for time.

"'Cause you're doing a good job."

Eventually, I blindfolded boy and tied his arms spreadeagle to my bedposts. I thought of doing his legs, too, but decided against it. I teased him, made him moan and tremble, and eventually took him in. Watching him strain against his bindings gave me a sense of satisfaction I'd never encountered before. "Do you want to touch me, boy?" I asked.

"Yes, oh God, yes!"

"Too bad." So this was the pleasure that Master got out of watching me squirm! It was a power rush, a thrill. I could give him what he wanted, but I was going to deny them just to confirm my dominance over him.

In the end, though, I'm not a very good top, and I caved quickly. I untied boy, let him touch my body, let him run his hands across my skin. When we were done, and I was kitten and he was Master once again,
we talked about the new perspective we'd gained on each other's roles. Master said he liked it, but wouldn't want to do it very often. I'm glad - though it was fun, I still much prefer being on the receiving end of spankings.

Thursday, March 20, 2008


The other night Master recorded us having sex. I was hesitant to watch it, simply because I always hate watching videos of myself. I always seem so... so dorky, so awkward, so flawed, so ugly. Agh.

Despite (or, more likely, because of) this, Master made me watch it anyway. He also insisted I have a copy. As I lay nestled in the crook of Master's arm, watching us on the digital camera's little viewscreen, watching me twist and writhe under Master's touch, I was struck by how... how beautiful I was.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

The real world

When Master and I went to the lingerie party I mentioned in my previous post, I wore a shibari rope dress (with underwear overneath, of course). Master also had me on a leash a good portion of the time. (Sometimes he let me run loose! >:3) I got lots of compliments about my outfit, and I noticed they tended to fall into two categories: those who said, "Your outfit is really cool/neat/cute!" and those who said, "Hey, that rope dress was done right! Great job!"

There were a surprising number of the latter comments.

That's what I really love about the college I'm attending - there's a good number of people with the same interests as Master and me. Even though wearing BDSM-inspired clothing/lingerie is trendy these days, there were a number of people there whom I could tell weren't just wearing it for the looks. It was a sign of who they were. It felt reassuring to be in the presence of all those other people who knew where I was coming from.

Then I saw an episode of G4's Wired For Sex series. This particular episode was about the Internet's influence on the proliferation of fetishism, with a smattering of cybersex as well. Obviously, it couldn't devote time to all the fetishes out there, so it focused on balloon fetishists and furries. In fact, if I recall correctly, most of the episode was about furries.

What really got me, though, was when they addressed the "darker side" of fetishism. One person they interviewed said, "The downside of this freedom provided by the Internet is that it allows all kinds of fetishes, even if they cross into the realm of evil. Say, for example... child pornography." The narrator then went on to recount the tale of a woman who was murdered while having her fantasy played out. While this was all going on, the episode showed stock videos of people tied up and in hoods, cages, ball gags - all sorts of typical BDSM activities.

Um. What.

What in the hell does BDSM have to do with child porn?! Oh sure, you can devote half an episode to the furries because they're just funny people who dress up in cute costumes, but BDSM? Too scary! Just lump it with the kiddie porn - no one knows the difference anyway! Jesus Christ.

When I told Master about my grievances with the episode, he said, "Well, you're going to have to get used to it. For most of society, BDSM is a very scary thing. You're part of a minority now."

I didn't bother telling him that, as a queer woman, I was already part of a couple minorities. At least it's no longer socially acceptable (for the most part) to openly discriminate against those minority groups. Hopefully BDSMers will receive the same acceptance (more or less) some day.

Monday, March 17, 2008

And then there were three?

A recent debauchery party hosted by some friends of ours got Master and me talking about our limits concerning activities with other people. Eventually, we began discussing the possibility of having a third person join us to play, at least momentarily.

I've participated in threesomes before and have found them to be lots of fun, but Master is a little more cautious of them, and with good reason. Adding a third person greatly increases the number of possible hurt feelings and damaged egos. Until now, I didn't expect to play with anyone except Master unless our relationship ended completely, and I was okay with that. I'm not hardwired for polyamory; it's just one possible scenario that might work, depending on other factors.

Still, it was a pleasant surprise to learn that Master wanted to play with a third person, too.

We talked about possible partners for a while. Though there were a few people I know whom I'm rather interested in, I wanted to make sure it was someone Master was interested in, too. If only two-thirds of a group are enjoying themselves, then it's really not fun at all. Finally, though, we decided on a friend of ours, C. She's a submissive my age who's been in the BDSM "community" longer than either Master or me, I believe. She's the type of woman that I'm normally attracted to, both physically and emotionally/mentally/

We each had our own reasons why we wanted to play with C. For me, on the superficial level it was because she was attractive and I thought it would be fun to top/Dominate her (since she's one of the few people whom I feel more Domme-ish towards). On a more profound level, I wanted to make playing with her an expression of caring, friendship, even love. I want to show that she is valued and beautiful and a wonderful person. Master has similar reasons, and he admitted that on one level it's because he feels her on-again, off-again boyfriend W mistreats her and he wants to show C how he feels a Dom would behave properly. I'm inclined to agree, but I'm leery of "playing therapist" because of the terror that I'll fuck up.

Master and I decided to ask her out as our "date" to the aforementioned lingerie/debauchery party, which happened this past Saturday (more on that later, probably). Master decided that it would be best for me to approach her, since I'm closer to her than he is. I finally wound up the courage to ask, but by that point she was already back together with W and, though honored, had to decline. :(

Even so, Master and I have made it clear to C that the offer is still on the table. (Particularly by chewing on her, hahaha. That particularly confused her, since Master had me on a leash yet I was acting so Dominant towards her. :D) I don't doubt that she and W will break up again, and I'd like to think that now we have a way to help her break out of this painful cycle she has. Now I suppose it's a matter of letting her know we're here for her and hoping she takes the opportunity.

Friday, March 7, 2008

Reaching out

Master and I aren't really part of the BDSM "community." We know it's there, and we've viewed it from afar via the internet. We might even take part of it once in a while (we plan to go to Shibaricon, and TEASE looks inviting as well), but I don't think either of us could truthfully say we're involved in the community.

Part of it, I suppose, is because of our location. We live in a small town of less than 10,000 people in the northern Midwest - a place not exactly known for its liberal attitudes. However, the college we attend is like a microcosm of sexual freedom, with a burgeoning queer population and hedonistic semi-annual lingerie parties. We are far from the only ones we know who practice BDSM. Our friends E and O were over to play video games just the other night, and we were making Dom/sub jokes constantly. Everyone knew where everyone else was coming from. But we've never really had an in-depth discussion regarding BDSM. We've never shared stories or swapped tricks or advice.

Though this might just be because we're not that close of friends, period. They are certainly friends, but not the type that I'd share intimate details of my life with. And BDSM is certainly one of the more private aspects of my life. There really isn't any reason, though, why I couldn't become closer friends with either or both of them. I've wanted for a while to be closer friends with O - perhaps the fact that we're both subs could be a point of connection between us? We'll see; I always have a hard time actively pursuing a relationship - I usually just let them happen.

I do have a few friends who I know are into BDSM that I suppose I could open up to more. M and C, for one. I have talked to M a bit about BDSM, not so much C - but then again, that goes for my relationships with them in general. S is also a sub and one of my closest friends, but she hasn't had much sexual experience and I don't want to sound like I'm bragging to her or anything. :/

Maybe I could organize a mini-munch for my like-minded friends. I think that'd be fun. It'd certainly be less awkward to have a conversation explicitly for BDSM stuff than just randomly asking, "Sooo.... how do you like wax play?" Ha! If there's enough of us, we could even divide into sub munches and Dom Munches, though I don't really know any Doms besides Master and E. I'll have to sniff them all out!

Ok, kitten, don't get ahead of yourself....

Still, I can dream. I think it's a good idea to at least run by Master, see what he thinks of it.

Saturday, March 1, 2008


There is a book I want to read called America Unzipped: in Search of Sex and Satisfaction. The book follows the author, Brian Alexander, as he travels across the United States interviewing various "sexual deviants." They are everyone from a priest who gives sex classes to married couples, to an Ivy League-educated porn king, to women at Passion Parties (like Tupperware parties, but with dildos). The book shows that everyone deviates from the "norm" in some way or another.

So if everyone is a deviant, then no one is.

If I had more money (and time) to spare, I'd buy the book in a heartbeat.

In other news, I recently read a news story saying that people who were spanked as children are more likely to enjoy masochistic sex, among a host of other "problems." Which is complete and utter bullshit. Why is masochistic sex a "problem?" It's not interfering with my life, I'm not damaged by it at all, emotionally or physically (besides a few red marks), so what's the big deal? I was spanked only once when I was growing up, and I'll bet that those researchers would never be able to tell by my everyday behavior that I'm in a D/s relationship and that my idea of a romantic evening is getting tied to the heater pipes and spanked with a wooden spoon.

I can't help but wonder, too, whether they're making the fatal flaw of "correlation = causation." Is it possible that there is some personality aspect that predisposes one to enjoying SM, which, when expressed as a child, makes them more likely to be spanked because of it? That is - spanking doesn't cause people to enjoy SM, but some part of their personality both makes them enjoy SM and get spanked as a child.

Even then, that hypothesis is tenuous. Like I said, I was spanked only once. And I know of plenty of other SM devotees that were never spanked as children.