Friday, August 29, 2008

Not all at once, now.

Several things have happened in the last few days. I'll try to give them all justice, but it may take more than one post.

Firstly, I had to use my safeword over the weekend. It was bizarre - Master wasn't even in the same room. He's not even in the same state! But he went past a limit; he told me I should play with someone I'm not interested in.

That's just... no. No, no, no. It's one thing to suggest, one thing to fantasize, but I am not one for playing with someone whom I don't care for deeply. The person he wanted me to play with was a woman I don't even hang out with. When I said I wasn't interested in her, he said, "If I want you to do anything, you will do it. And you will thank me. Is that understood?"

I felt cornered. I felt trapped. My hands were shaking. So I used the safeword, and immediately Master asked me if I was okay. No. No I was not okay. I did not want to play with that woman, and he was scaring me. Master calmed me down; he wasn't going to make me do anything. We talked about it, and in a minute or so I felt better.

I'm not sure when exactly we slipped back into our D/s dynamic after I used the safeword. I'm not even sure if we ever stepped out of our dynamic. I suppose that's just one of the weird things about being in a 24/7 relationship - you don't ever "break character." You just scale the intensity up and down as the situation warrants. And this adapting, this shifting from more-D/s to less-D/s, has begun to happen so naturally and so subtlely that I hardly even notice it taking place anymore. It's just... part of who I am, and part of who we are as a couple.

Honestly, I think it was a good thing that I used the safeword (besides for the obvious reason that it stopped a situation I was uncomfortable with). It really highlighted for me - and perhaps for Master too, though I can't presume to know what his thoughts are - that this is 24/7 for us. There is never a time when Master is not my Master (unless there's explicit rules laid out beforehand), and there's never a time where I can't use the safeword to stop whatever's going on.


Trinity said...

That's very odd. Did he know you didn't like this person?

Zula said...

Well, she is a friend of ours, just not a terribly close one. And I have kissed her before - at a lingerie party, where the whole point is to be flirtatious and promiscuous. He wanted to see if I was willing to go beyond that.

Trinity said...

Okay, that makes more sense. I read it as "I know you don't like this person but I want to see you together so there" and... yeah, that's D/s, but it strikes me as really BAD D/s unless 1) the dominant person knows the person well and can vouch for the physical risks AND 2) the submissive one wants to be pushed that extremely.