Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Fulfilling my needs

I miss Master. Not only do I miss Master, I miss the things Master would do to me. I miss the spankings, the paddlings, the clothespins, the ice cubes, the ropes, the blindfolds, the handcuffs, the knives. I miss him ordering me to crawl on the floor, scolding me for some "infraction" between swats with a wooden spoon, murmuring, "Good girl, kitten," in my ear. I miss being so deep in subspace that I can't open my eyes because even the light from a single candle is too bright and I can't even speak. I miss the sensation of having all my nerves alight and quivering, so the lightest touch makes me shiver and twitch.

I miss having sex with Master, too, of course. I miss that terribly. But that's a different thing. It's like being stranded in a desert; you want food and water, but they're still separate things. This particular desire is new to me, though; last summer Master didn't yet own me - indeed, I had never even tried BDSM. I know how to handle my sex drive; how do I handle my newly-awakened kink drive?

If I'm horny, I can just masturbate and I'm good. Problem solved. But self-gratification in BDSM seems a bit trickier. I don't think spanking myself would cut it - it's not just about the pain, it's the fact that someone else is inflicting it on me. I can't submit to myself.

I suppose I could hire a prodom, theoretically. That's expensive, though - and expense is the least of my hesitations. Not only do I worry about how Master would feel about it, I also worry about how I would feel about it. Master - and M, to a much lesser extent - is the only person who has dominated me. How would it be different? Would I even like it if someone else was holding the flogger? It's the same thing that keeps me from considering finding a play partner; when Master and I play together, it's not just about him giving pain/orders and me receiving it/them. The entire subtext of our relationship is behind it - our friendship, our love, everything. I need to have that if I'm going to submit/bottom to someone, and I don't think that kind of relationship is possible with someone I'm playing with just for the summer or someone I'm paying to hit me.


I go to visit him in a week!

So there's hope after all.

No comments: