Monday, January 7, 2008


I could start at the beginning and introduce myself, but instead I'm going to jump right in with what's on my mind at the moment.

Master and I don't always have BDSM sex. He doesn't always tie me up, spank me, pull my hair. I don't always call him Master; he doesn't always call me kitten. But as vanilla as our sex may seem sometimes, I don't think it's ever completely free of D/s. Master is still the one who calls the shots in bed, even though he does so with a gentle, loving voice and even asks me what I would like to do next. Even when I'm on top - an apparently "dominant" position - he oftentimes controls the situation. I'm not sure if this disqualifies our "vanilla" sex as really vanilla, since I'm pretty sure that most couples have one of the people calling the shots in bed, even if it's so subtle that it isn't noticed.

Or maybe I have a hard time imagining sex without some amount of power exchange.

And even though BDSM rarely intrudes into our everyday lives, still Master is normally the one in charge at some level. When he decides it'd be nice to have some tea, I jump to my feet to put the kettle on. If I cook breakfast that morning, and Master is still in bed when it's served, I ask for his permission to start eating without him. Sometimes BDSM takes a more overt role in our lives as well; right now I'm wearing a rope chest harness underneath my clothes. And then, of course, there's the collar that I wear in some form every day.

All this makes me wonder if our relationship is "24/7." I'm hesitant to use any label at all, since we're both newcomers to BDSM and I'm afraid of using a label incorrectly, but I'm especially leery of affixing "24/7" to our relationship because of the mixed feelings that seem to swirl around it. There are some who say 24/7 relationships breach the SSC tenants of BDSM and are inherently dangerous/abusive/what have you. And there are those who say this is poppycock and, done properly, a 24/7 power exchange is rewarding and fulfilling for both the Dom and the sub.

I've read the blogs of Masters and of slaves in 24/7s, and much of what I read seems beyond what I'm currently comfortable with. I'm not a slave, and I do not want to be a slave; I have bound myself to my Master and willingly subject to him, but I am not a piece of property. The idea that I would be forbidden to sit on the furniture, to only speak when spoken to, and so on squicks me out a bit, if I may be honest.

Then again, I'm sure if this were read, two dozen people would chime in saying, "But not all 24/7s are like that! [Insert counterexample here.]"

So I don't know. Are we 24/7? Maybe. Whatever we are right now, I'm happy with where it's going, and so is Master. That's really all that matters, isn't it?

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