Wednesday, February 20, 2008

The deep end

Last night Master pushed my limits much further than he ever had before. He didn't really do anything new - anal, spanking, shibari, clothespins, ice cubes - but he spanked me longer and harder, the bondage was heaver than before, and he used the ice cube much more extensively. All of it in combination sent me much deeper into subspace than I'd ever gone before.

Anal has always been a surefire way to get me into subspace quickly. I'm not sure what it is about it, but I find it to be one of the most submissive acts possible. I think it's because 1) Master is touching me in a place I don't even touch myself, 2) Master could hurt me very easily there, so I'm at his mercy, and 3) it feels kind of like I have no control over my bowels. That's one of the most intensely personal functions one has, and even that was taken from me (or seemed to be, anyway). Afterwards, as I lay on the bed while Master washed his hands, I felt like a little baby. I was completely helpless. It was incredible.

And that was only the beginning. Over the next hour, Master pushed me even further. It was so strange to experience. I felt like I couldn't look Master in the face, I was so submissive. I couldn't tell what was pain and what was pleasure; the clothespins on my nipples felt exquisite, then I'd forget they were even there, then they'd be excruciating. I wasn't me anymore; I was kitten, and only kitten. At one point I said the safeword - I can't even remember why now - and when Master stopped to make sure I was okay and to reassure me, he used my real name. That pulled me out of it for a moment, and I was able to lock eyes with him. When we started again, however, I dived back down almost right away.

Afterwards, when Master was holding me, I started trembling and shaking. Apparently I was also slurring my words, but I didn't even notice that. All I could do was cling to Master as these little spasms wracked my body and try to put my mind back in order. My thoughts were all muddied and slow, and I still couldn't bring myself to look Master in the face or call him by his real name. I told Master that if he called me by my real name I'd probably snap out of it, but he said he didn't want me to just yet. So we lay there together for a while - I don't know how long. Master was a little worried about me because this had never happened to me before, but I assured him that I was okay and that he hadn't hurt me at all.

And I was exhausted. So completely exhausted! I was as weak as a newborn kitten. Thank goodness Master was there to take care of me.

Master told me once I'd completely come out of it that he wanted to keep things up at that intensity for a while, and once I was comfortable with it he'd push a little more. I'm a little nervous about what he's going to do next, but the thought of being pushed into that zone again makes me want to try it.


On a side note, I got a new collar! It's a red dog collar. I really like it because it's durable and casual enough that I can wear it with my everyday clothes, but Master says it's a little less subtle than he's used to. I'd like to get a nametag for it someday. I'm not sure whether to put my real name, the nickname that everyone calls me, or Master's pet name for me on it. My pet name is kind of a secret, so I'm a little hesitant to use that one, even though it'd probably be most appropriate.

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