Good influence

Recently I visited Ume and Gene to celebrate their birthday. (They were born on the same day!) When I was regaling a friend of the event later on, I ended the story with, "The events immediately preceding me falling asleep are kinda blurry. And then I woke up in a bed with four other people, and my skirt was missing." I thought it was quite funny.

"...Wow," my friend said. "I don't think I've ever heard someone tell that kind of story as if it were a good thing."

I realized with a start that he was right - in a different context, what I said could be horrifying. But for me it wasn't; it was pretty typical with how parties with my friends ended. In fact, that party was downright chaste compared to what we usually do - I hadn't done anything more than some close dancing, a kiss or two, and clothes-on snuggling while in bed. (I learned soon after the party that Master had helped me out of my skirt because he didn't want me to wrinkle it in my sleep. So thoughtful!)

That level of trust, that kind of casual intimacy, is normal to me, but I forget it's not normal for a lot of people. Which I suppose isn't a bad thing if people don't want to be that physically close to people, but I certainly wouldn't have it any other way. It's the kind of environment where I really came into my own in terms of my sexuality (and other things, for that matter). I'm glad that my friends and I are making a real effort to keep that network of intimacy even as we spread out across the region post-graduation. I don't know how I'd survive without it.

O My

A bit more on The Story of O, now that I've finished it:

It certainly reads like a French novel, especially with the large amounts of indirect dialogue. ("He asked her if she'd been to see him, and she said she had." etc.) Considering it was first published in 1954, it wasn't nearly as misogynist as I feared it would be. There was still cringe-worthy material, to be sure, such as the descriptions of O's attraction to men vs. women, but the importance of consent featured fairly prominently in the story, and overall I found it a reasonably accurate portrayal of why a sub decides to submit (with some leeway given for the realm of fantasy that the story lives in).

I could also see a lot of similarities between the traditions and lifestyle depicted in the book and traditions practiced today in the kink community: the love of corsets and plush, anachronistic surroundings; the use of masks; even the way the slaves are trained to sit. I wonder, however, if the present-day kink community was influenced by the book, or if the book was describing traditions that already existed. It's something I'd like to look more in to.

It also gave me some ideas of things I'd like to try. For one, I'd like to try bondage with things other than rope. I know leather straps are a bit cliche, but there is definitely an aesthetic appeal there. Getting flogged/cropped on my thighs is also intriguing. Master and I have discussed the idea of whoring me out to other people, but that's not something we'll probably be doing anytime soon.

Words! Mean! Things!

I've finally gotten around to reading The Story of O. I'm not completely done with it yet, so I won't give a detailed post on my impressions, but I do want to say this:

"Womb" does not mean "vulva" or "vagina."

"Belly" does not mean "vulva" or "vagina."

I understand wanting to use euphemistic language for the genitalia; however, don't use words that are for completely different body parts!

Seriously, what does, "He seized her womb," even mean? I imagine him grabbing her pooch - or, granting that by "womb" the author actually meant "vulva," him tugging at her labia. Neither image is particularly sexy, nor do I suspect that was what the author intended.

Out of time

In the same way that populations level out once they've reached carrying capacity, I've reached carrying capacity in my romantic population. Though I'd like to find a lady lover in my home town, I simply do not have the time or the energy, especially considering lady-loving ladies are much harder to come by than lady-loving dudes.

But then I feel shitty because it's almost like I'm falling into heterosexuality out of laziness. :(

I just discovered there's a gay bar just a few blocks from my apartment. I should hit it up sometime soon.

How to be pro-choice when the choice isn't yours to make

Recently I had a conversation with Ume, and later with Master, about the roles, rights, responsibilities that each partner has when dealing with an unexpected pregnancy. They were really refreshing because, even though I disagreed with them on some things, we were always affectionate, respectful, and thoughtful to each other. That rarely happens when talking about anything even tangentially related to abortion.

Anyway, it got me thinking, and here's some things that I think all male-bodied folk can do to be supportive of their female-bodied partners:

1. DO have a conversation about what to do in the event of unexpected pregnancy. Ideally, do this before an unexpected pregnancy actually happens. But, this is the real world, so that's not always going to happen.
2. DO listen to everything your partner has to say. Sometimes it's simple as, "I'll get an abortion if I get pregnant." Sometimes it's, "I'll keep it if we've been living together for a year." Sometimes it's, "I don't know what I'd do."
3. DO decide if your partner's plan is compatible with your plans, values, etc. If there is a fundamental disagreement, it is okay to end the relationship. This is a big issue, and you shouldn't force yourself or your partner to compromise; it's better for both of you to find other people you're more compatible with.
4. DON'T give your opinion unless your partner asks. Like it or not, abortion and pregnancy can be a very stressful thing. If your partner doesn't identify as a woman, that can compound the issue, considering how tied up pregnancy is with the "ESSENCE OF WOMANHOOD" and all that bullshit. Some people want their partners' input; others do not. Respect what your partner prefers.

Yep, that's about it.

Slutty Ethics

I finally got around to reading The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy, which Ume and Gene gave to me for Christmas. As it's one of the only books explicitly about ethical non-monogamy available, of course I'd already heard a lot about it. Specifically, I'd already heard one of the biggest criticisms of the book, which is that it places too much emphasis on "owning one's feelings," which leads to people blaming themselves for their partners' legitimately problematic behavior.

I can definitely see where this criticism comes from. However, I don't think it's what the authors intended. (Somewhere, my Literary Criticism professor's hair just stood up on the back of her neck!) When Easton and Hardy talk about owning your feelings, they specifically talk about it in the context of giving yourself agency. When you realize that your feelings are coming from within you and aren't inflicted upon you, you realize that you have options on how to deal with those feelings.

Where Easton and Hardy fell flat, in my opinion, is that they never explicitly said, "One of those options is to end the relationship." They do talk about determining your limits, and they talk about breaking up, and how not every conflict has a happy resolution. However, I think they needed to tie that idea more closely to the idea of owning one's feelings.

Overall, though, I thought the book was very good. While a lot of the "exercises" that it included weren't the most helpful, considering I've been poly for several years, it still had a lot of valuable insight. It did get a little "hippy-dippy" at times, but Easton and Hardy kept their observations pertinent to modern culture. Though I wouldn't go so far as to say every poly person should own this book, it's definitely a good idea to check it out from the library.

I'm coming out

I have to come out to my parents. Tapeti's graduation is on Memorial Day weekend, and they're going to want a damn good reason why I can't come visit them.

I know that I need to do it, and I know more or less exactly what I'm going to say. I'm also pretty sure they'll take to it all right; Master came out to his mother, who was completely unfazed by it.

I'm still scared out of my mind, though.