Tongue-tied

When I read over what I've written here, I often get frustrated. The language seems childish and simplistic, so unlike how I normally perceive myself (and how I hope others perceive me). But when I try to express myself more eloquently - when I try to explain myself and Master and what we have together - in more grown-up terms, I fall flat.

I just don't have the tools for it. The things we do, the nuances of our relationship, the emotions I experience are things I've never put word to before and rarely - if ever - read/hear about elsewhere. Yes, I read other submissives' blogs, but so often their experiences are utterly alien to my own and the words they employ are useless to me. I can't appropriate them any more than a carpenter can appropriate a painter's set.

I don't have the vocabulary. I haven't built it yet. I haven't scrounged the depths of language enough to find new words, haven't spent enough time jerry-rigging new words and phrases out of my existing supplies, and my few first attempts so far have been rickety, ugly contraptions that only do enough to get by for now.

But I'm working on it.

Nummy

Master sent me a care package, and in it (among other things) were a new collar and a little metal food dish. With the dish came a note with instructions: I had to eat from it at least once a week, and Master even included a bag of Swedish fish for my first treat. :)

When I crouched on the floor and ate, I felt silly... but it also felt good. I wished that Master was there; I wanted to have his shadow fall over me as he stood over me, to feel his loving eyes watching me, his hands in my hair and on my body. I miss feeling the strength of his presence.

But that I still did as he commanded, even though he's miles away - that I still didn't consider disobeying - I suppose is a testament to our relationship. He holds that much sway over me; I trust him that much. It's a small gesture, in comparison to a lot of things. But I like where we're going.

D/s at work? O.o

My job mostly consists of repairing old computers at work and figuring out whether any of the old junk we have is still useable or not. In the course of my job, I've fiddled around with several hard drives, switching them from one tower to another and suchnot.

While I was doing this at one point, I read the labeling on the hard drive, and read the different pin settings it has: DS Master or DS slave.

LOL!

Homework

Master gave me an assignment a few days ago: decide what my favorite body part is, photograph it in a way I find appealing, and post them here. Well, after a bit of debate, I've decided that my favorite body part is my neck/collarbone - in no small part because that's where my collar is! So, here you all go - the fruits of my labor. Please ignore the stereo in the background; my room's still messy from unpacking. ;P

Perhaps in the future I'll take more pictures - one for each of the collars I have. I really like them.

And yes, that is a kimono I'm wearing. I'm a weeaboo, I admit it!

Longing

Master and M live in the same state. Though they don't live in the same city, they still live closer to each other than I do to either of them. It sucks.

The other night I called M, and it turned out that she and Master were hanging out together with several of M's other friends. They were all being loud and goofy and generally having a good time, but it just made me miserable. I wanted to be with them - especially Master - so badly, and there they were having fun without me! Selfish, I know, but being stuck at work with nothing to do but think about my friends and lovers tends to make me morose.

Later I learned that Master had spent the night at M's house. He spent the night in her guest room, though, and we have a rule that he won't do anything with just M without okaying it with me first. Still, there's a niggling part of me that worries, that is envious. I know it's mostly just because I'm not able to be there; when M spent the night with Master without me during the school year, I was fine with it.

Just one more reason long-distance relationships suck. :(

Away

Well, I'm back at my family's home, and Master is back at his. We call each other a lot, but I still miss him terribly, and M too.

Last night, Master and I talked a bit about our future together. Next year, he wants to establish more protocol in our relationship. You know how I said earlier that I wasn't forbidden from the furniture? Yeah, well... that may change next year. I'm not sure how to feel about that. On the one hand, it's exciting to have a more intense D/s relationship. We've been fairly low-key up to this point, and ratcheting things up a notch is an exciting prospect. On the other hand, I think, Why can't I sit on the furniture? That's not fair! Granted, a lot of the time I sit on the floor anyway, but still. I don't feel submissive 100% of the time, and so I imagine that the 30% (or however much it is) of the time where I don't I'll be chafing at the restriction.

Which is the whole point, I suppose.

Master also said he's going to buy me a food dish! X3 I can't wait to see it. I wonder what kind of food he'll put in it - cereal, so it's like dry food? Or some sort of hot dish so it's more like canned food? Eeeeek! I want to just rub against his knee and nuzzle up in his lap while he scritches my head.

Now I miss him more. :(

New toy!

My new toy came in the mail the other day. (Mine's the dark purple one.) I haven't tried it out yet; it's for the summer when I'm away from Master. It looks really fun, though. And best of all, it's harness-compatible for playing with M! :3

I'll probably go to the Smitten Kitten over the summer and get one. I've never been to their store, but I hear nothing but good things about them. S can come! We'll make it a girl's night out.