I'm coming out

I have to come out to my parents. Tapeti's graduation is on Memorial Day weekend, and they're going to want a damn good reason why I can't come visit them.

I know that I need to do it, and I know more or less exactly what I'm going to say. I'm also pretty sure they'll take to it all right; Master came out to his mother, who was completely unfazed by it.

I'm still scared out of my mind, though.

...But not TOO out there.

I recently read an interview with Lady Gaga (I wouldn't call myself a "little monster," but I do think she does some cool stuff), and something in particular struck me as I was reading it. When the author presses Gaga about her recent subdermal body mods in her face and shoulders, and whether it might inspire her fans to get similar body mods, she says, "It's artistic expression.... It's a performance-art piece. I have never, ever encouraged my fans or anyone to harm themselves, nor do I romanticize masochism.... [M]y fans know me. They would never hurt themselves. And if they have hurt themselves, they come to me and say, 'Gaga, I want to stop, and your music helps me want to stop. Your music makes me want to love myself.' I am in no way promoting sadomasochism or masochism."

...Wait, what?

There's a drastic conflation of three disparate things here: BDSM, body modification, and self harm. The first is about consensual kink, which can manifest in countless ways; the second is about aesthetically altering one's appearance for myriad reasons; the third is about intentionally injuring oneself as a coping mechanism or as a symptom of mental illness. I'm sure there's some amount of overlap in these three populations - some people with tattoos self harm, some kinksters enjoy body mods - but I shouldn't have to point out that these are far from synonymous.

As a self-appointed figurehead/ambassador/idol for all the "monsters" of the world - all the "weirdos" and "freaks" and their myriad subcultures - I would expect Gaga to be aware of this. It's irresponsible of her not to; why would I want to be represented by someone who doesn't even understand me?

Unless she doesn't actually want to reach out to me and my kind at all; maybe, for all her messages of inclusiveness and accepting yourself as you are, there was an implicit "except for you people."

Wouldn't be the first time that's happened.

:/

Convergent Evolution

I've been going on a few dates with a guy (whom I shall call The Italian). Recently we fooled around (first time I've done that with someone not from college), and it threw into stark relief that what I'm used to is not necessarily "normal" (or at least common).

He was frustratingly vanilla, for one thing. At this point, my first reaction when I get excited is to bite. Hard. While he didn't freak out or anything, he did make it clear that wasn't his bag. And he's ticklish, which means I can't caress him where/how I normally caress people. So what the hell am I supposed to do? Plain ol' making out for 15 or 30 minutes straight is boring. :/

Also he didn't bite me much, and when he did it wasn't nearly hard enough (despite my encouraging). He handled my tits way too gently, and he didn't pull my hair for long enough or hard enough. This left me feeling frustrated.

In the past, when I've sensed that my partner wasn't going to dominate me, I'd turn the tables and start getting aggressive. (Like many animals, I can sense weakness. >:3) But, for reasons mentioned above, I couldn't really express any domliness I was feeling. So there wasn't really any power dynamic going at all; it was just some wishy-washy blob.

Maybe if I'd been intimate with more people before my discovery of kink, this would be more familiar to me. But Master was the first person I ever had sex with, and by some stroke of luck all my friends in college (or at least all the ones I wound up having sex with) are kinky to some degree. So that's basically all I know, and I know that's shaped my desires. I imagine it's gone something like this:

1) I have a vague, undefined interest in kink.
2) I love/trust the people I'm with, so I try it with them.
3) Any enjoyment I get intrinsically from kink is reinforced/amplified by my positive feelings for my partners.
4) Because I enjoyed it, I do it more.
5) My enjoyment is once again reinforced/amplified by my partners.
6) Repeat steps 4 and 5.

If I were in a different environment when I first started having sex, I imagine my sexuality would have evolved differently. And now I am in a different environment, and I'm finding myself ill-adapted to it. I can't just assume that everyone I make out with is into leaving bruises.

So now I'm starting to wonder if I should, like, screen for kinkiness when meeting potential dates. Because I'm pretty certain that plain vanilla stuff isn't going to do it for me anymore, and while The Italian is an awesome guy and all, if we're not going to click sexually then I don't know what I should do. :/

(Also: His dick was definitely not the size/shape/etc. that I'm used to. I am suddenly apprehensive about having sex with men other than Master because I had forgotten that he's not typical in that department and I'm worried I won't enjoy anything other than his penis profile.)

Tip on the tightrope

I'm trying to determine how "out" I should be at my work. It is by all measures a very relaxed, casual, welcoming place - it feels more like another college than a corporation - but with the lack of ENDA I'm still nervous.

My bisexuality probably won't be an issue - there are some very out gays and lesbians on staff, and sexual orientation is explicitly written into the company's anti-discrimination policies - but my non-monogamy and my kinkiness might be. Those generally don't count as "sexual orientation" (something I don't mind too much, since I personally don't conceive my poly-ness or kinkiness as orientational, at least not in the same way as bisexuality), which means theoretically I could get fired for them and not have a case.

I've been testing the waters, so to speak. I casually mentioned "my girlfriend" in a conversation with fellow new hires who I'm pretty sure had already heard me talk about "my boyfriend." They didn't seem to notice. Today I wore one of my "casual" collars to work; we have no dress code to speak of, except when we're meeting with customers, and I've felt out the general atmosphere enough that I think that I'll be okay as long as I'm not wearing anything with leather and/or spikes. Low key all the way. Even though I hate being in the closet, I hate being unemployed even more.

Off the grid

I just got a new job, which necessitated moving to a new home in a new city in a new state. Hence the scarcity of my posts recently.

Also, I don't have internet in my apartment yet. And for obvious reasons I'm loath to post from my office computer. Right now I'm at the local pub.

In any case, I haven't even had the time yet to get to know my new city's kink scene. I know for a fact it exists - I just need to find it. But I've been too busy with moving, then with my new job, and now I've got all sorts of issues that still need sorting out.

I did go to a newbie munch in Master's hometown last weekend, which was nice. The crowd was much older than I'm used to, though. Hopefully there's an under-35 or somesuch group in my town. No offense to older kinksters - I just tend to be more comfortable and have more in common with young'ns like me.

Lately it seems I've been hearing more and more public derision and condemnation and plain ol' bigotry against kink and poly folk. Not just in conversations around me, either - I'm talking on TV, on the radio, in print. A recent example would be a DJ, when talking about rumors that some celebrity couple or another has an open marriage, saying, "That's not marriage; that's gross." It hurts every time. It's not like when I hear homophobic bullshit; then I just roll my eyes and write the spewer off as an ass, and I know that the majority of America would agree with me - they're just a lot quieter than the very loud, very bigoted minority. But I don't know that about kink and poly. So I still feel very small and alone and unwanted when it comes to that.

Seeing red

A woman recently got arrested in my state for operating a dungeon. Well, the reason is "suspicion of prostitution," though my guess is that she wasn't having "actual sex" (as defined by anti-prostitution laws) with her clients; she stated as much on her website. Not that that stopped cops from busting her, of course.

Pretty much everything about the newspaper article pissed me right the fuck off. The breathless, "isn't this naughty?" tone, the suspiciously detailed description of what the cops confiscated from her property, and - most of all - a quote from a woman who lived nearby: "I worry about what kind of people she was bringing into the neighborhood."

FUCK YOU, LADY.

She was "bringing in" people JUST LIKE YOU - parents, suburbanites, people who have normal jobs and normal homes and normal families. Yet somehow having sex in a different way makes them "dangerous." Fuck. There are few times when I want to just clock someone; this is one of those times.

Normally when I read something in the paper that pisses me off, I bust out my English Major skillz and channel my rage into an eloquent letter to the editor. It normally works - I've even been published in the paper a couple times. But I can't do that this time; I'd be effectively outing myself to the entire metro area. And, as this recent incident has proven, there are definite negative repercussions to being outed as a kinkster.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

And don't even get me started on how stupid anti-sex work laws are in the first place!

I hate society.

Negotiating

The place I'm working at this summer is much more "professional" than my previous jobs, which means no walking around in dog collars like I'm wont to do on a normal basis. I have several nice chokers that are very formal/professional, but unfortunately those tend to be more fragile and several of them are broken. (There's a reason I prefer regular pet collars!)

My mother has used this job as an excuse to buy me an entire new wardrobe, and she's intent on getting accessories to go with. It's difficult for me because I can't just say, "No, I can't/don't want to wear a regular necklace because I need to wear a collar or choker to symbolize my relationship with [Master]." I'm sure if she knew I was only interested in chokers it'd cut down on browsing time a lot, but as it stands I just wind up shaking my head a lot.

Wah. :[

Master and I have gone to our respective homes for the holidays. While I was able to spend a good week with him in his hometown, it's very difficult to have good sex in a three-bedroom house with five to six other people in it. :/

While Master and I were hanging out in his family's pub, House, M.D. was playing on one of the TVs. It was an older episode that I'd somehow missed (I'm a rather rabid fan >.>) in which the patient of the day was a sub/bottom who also had a fetish for breath play* and was in a rather strict 24/7 relationship with a Domme. I didn't quite catch if she was a professional or not (the volume was too low to hear in the bar and the clost captioning was shit), but it seemed like a genuine loving relationship - not just a business arrangement.

Of course, there were good and bad things in this portrayal in the show. On the one hand, Chase was/had been a part of the scene, so he was sympathetic to the patient and his Domme; he guessed the nature of their relationship right away, but didn't want to "out" them and stayed silent (whether he should have as a doctor is another thing), and he stood up for them when Cuddy barred the Domme from the hospital. And the smile on his face when he watched the two reunite was priceless!

That was outweighed by the general disgust of the rest of the cast, though - mostly Foreman and the clinic's laywer, as well as Cuddy. And the patient's family, of course - but they were quite obviously painted as the "villains" in the episode: people so intolerant, so insensitive towards their son that they were almost willing to sit back and let him die. House took them to task quite thoroughly for that; and for his part, House cracked his off-color jokes about leather and so on, but for the most part didn't give a damn about what the patient did in the sack - very House of him, really.

As for the portrayal of the Domme and sub... I'm mixed. Though it was nice to see a D/s relationship that didn't have chains and latex all over the place, and the Domme was obviously very intelligent and cared deeply about her sub, I didn't like how the sub was portrayed as a spineless, sobbing twit without the Domme. I mean, Jesus Christ, I may be a sub, but I have enough self-esteem to make critical medical decisions about myself! For fuck's sake!

I also was perturbed that it was the sub's kink that made him wind up in the hospital. I mean, even though the general tone was vaguely sympathetic, the fact that the sub had to give up his fetish or die gave seemed to give a "he got what was coming" message. But I may be reading to much into it - and I wasn't able to catch all of the episode before they turned to a football game, so maybe I'm missing a critical part that changed the entire meaning of the episode.

*I've noticed that whenever BDSM is featured in the media, it almost always involves erotic asphyxiation - to an extent much further than it seems to feature in the actual community. I wonder what it is about breath play that makes it particularly alluring to TV writers; perhaps the fact that it's so obviously dangerous makes it easier to vilify? After all, you wouldn't want the viewers to get any ideas.

Kinky vanilla?

(Taking a quick break from working on my final portfolio for my writing class.)

The other night Master and I had completely vanilla sex. Before we began, he laid out the "rules" - no spanking, no dirty-talking, no biting, no calling each other "Master" and "kitten." It was to be as "normal" as possible.

Let me tell you, it was weird. I mean, it was still sex, so it was nice, but it was absolutely bizarre. It felt so much more staged than our playsessions. I suppose it was - we were roleplaying as a vanilla college couple.

It was kind of cool, though, how I could feel Master restraining himself. I could sense that he wanted to grab me, to hold me down, to bite and smack me, but he didn't. He was practically trembling from the contained energy and violence. Oh man, was that awesome. That was definitely a turn-on.

Still, it wasn't something I'd want to do a lot. I definitely prefer kink. It's hard to believe that Master and I used to have sex that way all the time for an entire year. Buh. We talked about it afterwards, and we both agree that we could never go back to a plain vanilla relationship. No way, man. I've been too thoroughly corrupted. ;)

Flux

Ume and I talk about our respective sex lives with relative frequency. It's interesting to compare our similarities and our differences because Ume and his girlfriend are very... well, I don't want to say "egalitarian" because it's not that there isn't any power exchange between them - there is, but it's constantly in flux. They both enjoy sports and gambling, so they make bets and whoever wins gets to "top" (they don't do much more than the light bondage almost every couple engages in) until the next game.

I think that's really cool, and it fits their playful attitudes perfectly. But I don't know if I could do things that way. I like haing a constant in my life - the constant presence of Master's domination oer me. It's not always obvious, but I can feel it, like gravity.

That's not to say that it's constant. We have our own flux, but it's like the scales are balanced differently, so even when we're at "equilibrium" our power exchange still isn't equal - whereas Ume and his girlfriend have an equally balanced scale, but it can tip one way or the other much more easily. Or at least it does in bed; I haven't really asked if they carry this philosophy out of the bedroom. I suppose that's another area of difference between us.

That went well

I "came out" as poly to my ex-girlfriend last night. It happened to come up in conversation, so it wasn't like a "I have something very important to tell you" thing.

The first thing she asked was whether I get tested for STDs, which for me is a "Yeah, duh" but it's a legitimate concern, I suppose.

The next thing she asked was whether I ever get jealous. I told her every once in a while, but for the most part both Master and I are fine - and when one of us does get jealous, we talk it over and work things out.

"Man, I don't think I could do that," she said.

"It's not for everyone," I replied. So far, so good. Pretty standard stuff, and she's taking it well.

"I dunno - that doesn't seem like a real relationship to me. You guys aren't making an actual commitment or anything."

Damn.

I pointed out that, ideally, one enters a relationship for many more reasons than just sex, and that Master and I will always hold the relationship between us as our first priority. (Even then, some poly people don't prioritize their relationships, which is still a valid form of doing things, but I thought pointing out this aspect might appeal to her monogamous values.) She didn't buy it.

It's possible that part of the problem was that I wasn't accurately describing the nature of mine and Master's relationship and she wasn't getting the right impression; I was working on homework at the time and didn't have the time to hash out the nitty gritty details of my sex life. I also didn't mention the kinky part of our relationship; on the one hand, it's probably a good thing I didn't, considering her moderate-conservative streak, and on the other hand it does make the poly thing easier to understand, I think. We may play with other people, but he is my only Master; I am his only pet. That's what makes our relationship significant (among other things).

I was tempted to point out that she has little to no authority to criticize the validity of mine (my?) and Master's relationship, since she has since "gone straight." This may just be me, but saying she no longer dates girls feels like she's invalidating our two-year relationship in high school. But that would have been petty, and probably would have just pissed her off.

*sigh* Oh well. Can't win 'em all, I guess.