I just got back from my second trip to see Master! And my goodness, we had sex a lot. Much more so than my previous visit, if I remember things correctly. Not that I'm complaining - far from it; I was the one who initiated a good portion of sexings.
On several occasions I was struck by how damn horny I was. Usually, I'm good with one go-round, but this time I wasn't satisfied until we had sex two, maybe even three times in a row. Which is really bizarre, because even though I'm multi-orgasmic, usually by the end of sex I'm a quivering, incoherent mess. But during the trip I'd have a half-dozen brain-shattering orgasms in one session and I'd just want more! It was great fun, but it made me wonder.
At first I thought it had to do with the fact that I hadn't seen Master in a while. But the time between my first trip and this last one was much shorter than the end of the school year and my first trip, even though I was hornier this time 'round. So that wasn't it. It's possible that it was hormones, since I think my period started while I was there. (But I'm not sure, since my Mirena makes my periods - when I do have them - super light, and it's possible the teensy bit of blood was the side effect of lots of rough sex in a short period of time, lol.)
I think one of the biggest differences was the time of day we had sex this time around. My first trip, we usually had it at night - often past midnight, when I'm already tired from a long day of wandering around the city. This time, however, we almost always had sex after we woke up between ten AM and noon. Not only was I refreshed and rarin' to go by that point, but I've also noticed that I tend to be hornier around noon. Which kinda sucks when I'm at work all day, but is awesome when I have nothing to do but lounge about with Master. >:3
I'm not sure what it is that makes me hornier during the day. Is it the "taboo" aspect - sex is supposed to be a nighttime activity, after all - something to do with my sleep cycle, or some independent factor? My guess is the third, since we have more-or-less independent cycles for our other urges, like sleep and hunger and such. Why can't sex have its own cycle?
Other changes between my first trip and my second? Well, I went on a free-range diet, which means I'm essentially vegetarian now, and I started doing yoga almost daily. (Gawd, I'm such a hippy.) Maybe they had something to do with it, but I don't think so.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Sunday, July 13, 2008
If you're into it
I'm fairly certain most people agree that what causes the plethora of sexual attractions, fetishes, what have you is a mystery. For example, when Master and I are doing it doggy-style, it drives me crazy whenever he grabs my ankle. I don't know why this is such a major turn-on for me, but nevertheless it is. M, on the other hand, can be reduced to an incoherent puddle by applying pressure to her collar bone - not even biting it, just pressing on it with your finger. I'll bet that everyone has their own little sexual quirks like these, and that no one can really explain why. Most people are pretty understanding of this, too; when confronted with a desire that they can't understand, many people will just shrug and say, "Hey, if that's what you're into."
The biologist in me wants to say it has something to do with genetics, since I've never had any environmental exposure to ankle-grabbing that would lead me to view it in such a positive manner. But far be it from me to be a genetic essentialist who views every aspect of personality as something that can be boiled down to a few lines of DNA. (TATTC causes an ankle-squeezing fetish, while TAATC would cause a propensity for water sports? Probably not.)
After all, sexual desires are far from immutable. Incredibly enough, when I first started dating Master I wasn't turned on by spanking in the slightest. He tried it once or twice during sex, and when he asked me whether I liked it, I believe my exact response was to shrug and say, "Meh." But for some reason I grew to like it. It wasn't because Master pressured me; he stopped it after I told him it wasn't a turn-on, and only once we started using other aspects of BDSM, like bondage, did he reintroduce it. By that point, I had suddenly become a spaking whore. Even when it doesn't turn me on physically (get me wet, that is), I just love the physical sensation of a good spanking or paddling.
Everyone involved in BDSM - and increasingly more people who aren't - know what limits are. When Master and I began our first forays into kink, I found a "limit checklist" designed for people negotiating a scene. It was, in essence, a list of various kinky activities, which one could either mark as "major turn-on," "curious about," "not too interested but willing to try," and "hard limit; never ever ever." I filled it out for myself and showed it to Master, and that was our starting point. As I've pulled up the list since then and revised it, I've noticed an evolution - a softening, if you will - of what I'm willing to do. I still have some rock-hard limits (bestiality, scat play, watersports, anything involving breaking the skin, incest) that are so ingrained into my psyche by biology and society that I doubt I could ever be swayed. But there are others (anal play, sensory deprevation, and a whole host of others) that are now piquing my interest when they haven't before. For some of them it is because Master has introduced them to me and I liked them; for others, something about myself has changed, and even though I've never tried them before I suddenly think they sound interesting and fun.
It's for this reason that I'm skeptical of people who say they were "born" kinky/poly/some other sexual descriptor. I mean, certainly genetics plays a part, but we are not static creatures. We change a hundred times over the course of a lifetime, and though the seeds of kinkiness may have been there since birth, it was a million other influences that shaped me into the exact incarnation I am today.
The biologist in me wants to say it has something to do with genetics, since I've never had any environmental exposure to ankle-grabbing that would lead me to view it in such a positive manner. But far be it from me to be a genetic essentialist who views every aspect of personality as something that can be boiled down to a few lines of DNA. (TATTC causes an ankle-squeezing fetish, while TAATC would cause a propensity for water sports? Probably not.)
After all, sexual desires are far from immutable. Incredibly enough, when I first started dating Master I wasn't turned on by spanking in the slightest. He tried it once or twice during sex, and when he asked me whether I liked it, I believe my exact response was to shrug and say, "Meh." But for some reason I grew to like it. It wasn't because Master pressured me; he stopped it after I told him it wasn't a turn-on, and only once we started using other aspects of BDSM, like bondage, did he reintroduce it. By that point, I had suddenly become a spaking whore. Even when it doesn't turn me on physically (get me wet, that is), I just love the physical sensation of a good spanking or paddling.
Everyone involved in BDSM - and increasingly more people who aren't - know what limits are. When Master and I began our first forays into kink, I found a "limit checklist" designed for people negotiating a scene. It was, in essence, a list of various kinky activities, which one could either mark as "major turn-on," "curious about," "not too interested but willing to try," and "hard limit; never ever ever." I filled it out for myself and showed it to Master, and that was our starting point. As I've pulled up the list since then and revised it, I've noticed an evolution - a softening, if you will - of what I'm willing to do. I still have some rock-hard limits (bestiality, scat play, watersports, anything involving breaking the skin, incest) that are so ingrained into my psyche by biology and society that I doubt I could ever be swayed. But there are others (anal play, sensory deprevation, and a whole host of others) that are now piquing my interest when they haven't before. For some of them it is because Master has introduced them to me and I liked them; for others, something about myself has changed, and even though I've never tried them before I suddenly think they sound interesting and fun.
It's for this reason that I'm skeptical of people who say they were "born" kinky/poly/some other sexual descriptor. I mean, certainly genetics plays a part, but we are not static creatures. We change a hundred times over the course of a lifetime, and though the seeds of kinkiness may have been there since birth, it was a million other influences that shaped me into the exact incarnation I am today.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
What to do
Master, at my request, is looking into the possibility of us going to a play party and/or BDSM club when I'm in town again next week. I'm excited, but also incredibly nervous. I have no idea what to expect or how to behave. I mean, I know basic etiquette - don't pick up someone else's toys without asking them, don't get in the way of a scene, yadda yadda - common sense stuff. But I'm still terrified that I'll make some terrible social gaffe.
Really, I get this way whenever I'm entering a new social situation. My first cross-country races and ski meets gave me the same trepidation. It doesn't make it any easier. >.<
Really, I get this way whenever I'm entering a new social situation. My first cross-country races and ski meets gave me the same trepidation. It doesn't make it any easier. >.<
Sunday, July 6, 2008
The only thing we have to fear
I keep up with a women's health community online, and by far the most common question asked by people on the board is something along the lines of, "I'm on hormonal birth control and my period isn't due for another week yet and I haven't ever actually had sex but my boobs are kind of sore and yesterday I was nauseous which may be because I had the stomach flu but I hear it's a symptom of pregnancy. AM I PREGNANT?!?!?!"
The fear and paranoia that so many young women have regarding pregnancy is baffling. If the number of questions of this sort are any indication, it seems a good portion of sexually active women - and some who aren't even sexually active - live in almost constant anxiety that the condom broke or they missed a pill or their IUD expelled and now they're preggo. Where does this irrational fear come from? Surely they've read up on the birth control that they're using and know the success/failure rates. After all, why the hell wouldn't you do research on something that can have such a large impact on your life? Just a few minutes of web searching would reveal that most birth control methods, particularly hormonal ones, have a success rate in the 90% range, even for "typical" use. Even the withdrawal method, which is so often ridiculed as an ineffective birth control method, can have a 96% success rate during "perfect use." (Granted, "typical use" has a 73% success rate, but that's still a hell of a lot better than nothing.)
Then again, maybe they don't know these things. Fear is born from ignorance, and it seems the conservative movement is premised entirely on keeping people ignorant. I read in my local paper not too long ago that a Minnesota study showed an increase in abortions among teens (though a decrease in all other demographic groups) in the past year or two, coupled with a decrease in the number of women using contraceptives. When one recalls the spate of investigations that revealed the inaccuracies and outright lies that abstinence-only education feeds to kids, and the current (but waning, fortunately) administration's stance on sex education, it only makes sense, sadly enough.
When I went to public school as a kid, parents were given a choice of which sex ed course to put their kids in either "abstinence-based," which said abstinence is preferred but didn't shy away from teaching about other forms of contraception and safer sex techniques, or "abstinence until marriage," which taught exactly what the name says - and nothing more. Fortunately for me, my parents are of the more progressive bent (most of the time), so they put me in abstinence-based.
Though I'm grateful for my parents' choice, the course still was woefully inadequate. Like most sex-ed courses, it was mostly about scaring kids away from sex. I got to see my share of explicit photographs showing advanced cases of syphillis, gonorrhea, and genital warts - but was never told that most STIs are treatable, even cureable. To their credit, the teachers were very good about dispelling myths on HIV/AIDS; never did I think that HIV could be spread via public toilet seats. In terms of contraception, however, basically all we learned about were condoms - male condoms, at that - probably because condoms also protect against STIs. Birth control pills were mentioned in passing, but that's about it. I didn't even know IUDs existed until I entered college, and I'd be willing to bet that the majority of college-aged women still haven't ever heard of them, despite IUDs being one of the most effective contraceptives available.
I partially blame my good-but-not-good-enough sex education on the one pregnancy panic I've had in my life, which occured a little over a year ago. This was before I'd started on any sort of birth control; the condom fell off at some point, probably after we'd finished and Master was pulling out, and though I didn't feel any semen get on/in my vulva I decided to get some Plan B from the school nurse just to be safe. Looking back on it later, I realized the chances of my getting pregnant were slim to nil - not only was it unlikely any sperm managed to get their way inside me, but my period had ended that day so it was basically impossible for there to be a viable egg for them to find. On top of that, I took the Plan B just as directed, reducing the possibiliy of pregnancy even further.
Even so, for the entire two weeks between taking the Plan B and seeing the nurse for follow-up, I was constantly wondering what if? what if? Keeping the baby was out of the question, but the nearest abortion clinic was all the way in the Twin Cities, to my knowledge. How would I get down there? There was no way I could tell my parents about it, but keeping a secret like that from them would tear me up inside. And then, of course, there was the small part of me that said I wouldn't have to get an abortion, that maybe having a baby would be okay. That part scared me the most.
Though the pregnancy test I took at my follow-up was negative, I couldn't truly relax until my period arrived, right on schedule, a week later. (Contrast that to now: I haven't had my period in... oh... two months? Three? (Cessation of menstruation is a side effect of the Mirena.) But I'm not worried in the least.)
And while I partially blame my own ignorance on my anxiety - I didn't know at the time how incredibly unlikely it was that I was pregnant - I know all too well that reason goes flying out the window when one is worried about something. Take for example all the parents who stay up late imagining all the horrible scenarios that could happen to their kids when they're just playing video games at a friend's house and lost track of the time. So while education does a lot to reduce fear of pregnancy, it can only do so much.
The fear and paranoia that so many young women have regarding pregnancy is baffling. If the number of questions of this sort are any indication, it seems a good portion of sexually active women - and some who aren't even sexually active - live in almost constant anxiety that the condom broke or they missed a pill or their IUD expelled and now they're preggo. Where does this irrational fear come from? Surely they've read up on the birth control that they're using and know the success/failure rates. After all, why the hell wouldn't you do research on something that can have such a large impact on your life? Just a few minutes of web searching would reveal that most birth control methods, particularly hormonal ones, have a success rate in the 90% range, even for "typical" use. Even the withdrawal method, which is so often ridiculed as an ineffective birth control method, can have a 96% success rate during "perfect use." (Granted, "typical use" has a 73% success rate, but that's still a hell of a lot better than nothing.)
Then again, maybe they don't know these things. Fear is born from ignorance, and it seems the conservative movement is premised entirely on keeping people ignorant. I read in my local paper not too long ago that a Minnesota study showed an increase in abortions among teens (though a decrease in all other demographic groups) in the past year or two, coupled with a decrease in the number of women using contraceptives. When one recalls the spate of investigations that revealed the inaccuracies and outright lies that abstinence-only education feeds to kids, and the current (but waning, fortunately) administration's stance on sex education, it only makes sense, sadly enough.
When I went to public school as a kid, parents were given a choice of which sex ed course to put their kids in either "abstinence-based," which said abstinence is preferred but didn't shy away from teaching about other forms of contraception and safer sex techniques, or "abstinence until marriage," which taught exactly what the name says - and nothing more. Fortunately for me, my parents are of the more progressive bent (most of the time), so they put me in abstinence-based.
Though I'm grateful for my parents' choice, the course still was woefully inadequate. Like most sex-ed courses, it was mostly about scaring kids away from sex. I got to see my share of explicit photographs showing advanced cases of syphillis, gonorrhea, and genital warts - but was never told that most STIs are treatable, even cureable. To their credit, the teachers were very good about dispelling myths on HIV/AIDS; never did I think that HIV could be spread via public toilet seats. In terms of contraception, however, basically all we learned about were condoms - male condoms, at that - probably because condoms also protect against STIs. Birth control pills were mentioned in passing, but that's about it. I didn't even know IUDs existed until I entered college, and I'd be willing to bet that the majority of college-aged women still haven't ever heard of them, despite IUDs being one of the most effective contraceptives available.
I partially blame my good-but-not-good-enough sex education on the one pregnancy panic I've had in my life, which occured a little over a year ago. This was before I'd started on any sort of birth control; the condom fell off at some point, probably after we'd finished and Master was pulling out, and though I didn't feel any semen get on/in my vulva I decided to get some Plan B from the school nurse just to be safe. Looking back on it later, I realized the chances of my getting pregnant were slim to nil - not only was it unlikely any sperm managed to get their way inside me, but my period had ended that day so it was basically impossible for there to be a viable egg for them to find. On top of that, I took the Plan B just as directed, reducing the possibiliy of pregnancy even further.
Even so, for the entire two weeks between taking the Plan B and seeing the nurse for follow-up, I was constantly wondering what if? what if? Keeping the baby was out of the question, but the nearest abortion clinic was all the way in the Twin Cities, to my knowledge. How would I get down there? There was no way I could tell my parents about it, but keeping a secret like that from them would tear me up inside. And then, of course, there was the small part of me that said I wouldn't have to get an abortion, that maybe having a baby would be okay. That part scared me the most.
Though the pregnancy test I took at my follow-up was negative, I couldn't truly relax until my period arrived, right on schedule, a week later. (Contrast that to now: I haven't had my period in... oh... two months? Three? (Cessation of menstruation is a side effect of the Mirena.) But I'm not worried in the least.)
And while I partially blame my own ignorance on my anxiety - I didn't know at the time how incredibly unlikely it was that I was pregnant - I know all too well that reason goes flying out the window when one is worried about something. Take for example all the parents who stay up late imagining all the horrible scenarios that could happen to their kids when they're just playing video games at a friend's house and lost track of the time. So while education does a lot to reduce fear of pregnancy, it can only do so much.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Reunion
I just got back from my visit to see Master. It was so amazingly awesome! We went all around the city - and, of course, made up for all the lost time spent apart. ;)
We went to the gay district, where we visited a sex shop that I really like. It's run by a bunch of really cool women, and it totally flaunts the seedy, dark, dingy stereotype. It's more like a trendy boutique than anything. In any case, we got a nice riding crop. It's a bit on the short side, with a nice wide flap-thingie (whatever it's called) at the end. Master used it on me a couple times while we were in the basement at his house, but he couldn't hit very hard (*sad*) because his parents were sleeping upstairs, lol. I admit I was a little disappointed, since the light whipping he gave me didn't really satisfy my craving for a good, hard scene. But it couldn't be helped, and it certainly was enjoyable in its own right. Two minutes in heaven is better than one minute in heaven and all that.
What was really funny, though, was that we were walking all around the city after we bought the crop, which didn't fit in Master's messenger bag. So we had to walk around the city with a riding crop (albeit in a black plastic bag) sticking out and poking the random passerby.
We also met with M, who's having a lot of fun prodomming. However, she did have a bit of an accident during an erotic photo shoot and had to go to the emergency room with a rather embarrassing wound. The poor baby. :( When her prodom friends heard about it, they gave her a gift basket full of floggers and paddles and other toys. I hope she brings them up to school with her - or I get to see them next time I go down to see Master and her!
I have something of an infatuation with floggers, though I've never been on either the giving or receiving end of them. They look like they're exquisite, though, and from what I've heard/read of the sensations they produce, I'm practically salivating to have Master or M try one on me. It's possible that, once I actually experience a flogger, I'll find it won't be nearly as exciting as I imagine. But considering the wide variety of floggers and all the different sensations they can produce, I'm sure I'll find at least one type that I like.
Master, M, and I went to a BDSM shop with two of M's friends. Though one of them also seemed interested in kink, one of them was decidedly vanilla, lol. And though he was pretty good about being surrounded by leather hoods and harnesses and chastity belts and whatnot, he definitely was baffled by the entire thing. Sometimes I forget that most people don't like to mix pain with pleasure - I'm not used to having to explain it, since most of the time it never even comes up. So when M's friend asked, "Why in the world do you guys like this stuff?" all I could do was grin and shrug.
The BDSM shop was geared towards leathermen, so there wasn't much stuff specifically for women there, but there was an absolutely gorgeous elkhide flogger there! Aaaaah, it was so soft! It was also very well-balanced (according to M; I don't know enough to make a valid judgement). I think I'm going to save up for one. Yes yes. I think I shall.
Also, Master's going to look into us visiting a BDSM club and maybe even go to a play party next time I go to visit him. I hope we can - I really would like to meet new people in the community in person. Online is fun and all, but it's not the same experience as meeting people and watching them play.
~~~
Whenever Master was at his computer, I sat on the floor beside him and rested my head on his lap. As he ran his fingers through my hair, I couldn't think of any place I'd rather be. I can't wait to see him again.
We went to the gay district, where we visited a sex shop that I really like. It's run by a bunch of really cool women, and it totally flaunts the seedy, dark, dingy stereotype. It's more like a trendy boutique than anything. In any case, we got a nice riding crop. It's a bit on the short side, with a nice wide flap-thingie (whatever it's called) at the end. Master used it on me a couple times while we were in the basement at his house, but he couldn't hit very hard (*sad*) because his parents were sleeping upstairs, lol. I admit I was a little disappointed, since the light whipping he gave me didn't really satisfy my craving for a good, hard scene. But it couldn't be helped, and it certainly was enjoyable in its own right. Two minutes in heaven is better than one minute in heaven and all that.
What was really funny, though, was that we were walking all around the city after we bought the crop, which didn't fit in Master's messenger bag. So we had to walk around the city with a riding crop (albeit in a black plastic bag) sticking out and poking the random passerby.
We also met with M, who's having a lot of fun prodomming. However, she did have a bit of an accident during an erotic photo shoot and had to go to the emergency room with a rather embarrassing wound. The poor baby. :( When her prodom friends heard about it, they gave her a gift basket full of floggers and paddles and other toys. I hope she brings them up to school with her - or I get to see them next time I go down to see Master and her!
I have something of an infatuation with floggers, though I've never been on either the giving or receiving end of them. They look like they're exquisite, though, and from what I've heard/read of the sensations they produce, I'm practically salivating to have Master or M try one on me. It's possible that, once I actually experience a flogger, I'll find it won't be nearly as exciting as I imagine. But considering the wide variety of floggers and all the different sensations they can produce, I'm sure I'll find at least one type that I like.
Master, M, and I went to a BDSM shop with two of M's friends. Though one of them also seemed interested in kink, one of them was decidedly vanilla, lol. And though he was pretty good about being surrounded by leather hoods and harnesses and chastity belts and whatnot, he definitely was baffled by the entire thing. Sometimes I forget that most people don't like to mix pain with pleasure - I'm not used to having to explain it, since most of the time it never even comes up. So when M's friend asked, "Why in the world do you guys like this stuff?" all I could do was grin and shrug.
The BDSM shop was geared towards leathermen, so there wasn't much stuff specifically for women there, but there was an absolutely gorgeous elkhide flogger there! Aaaaah, it was so soft! It was also very well-balanced (according to M; I don't know enough to make a valid judgement). I think I'm going to save up for one. Yes yes. I think I shall.
Also, Master's going to look into us visiting a BDSM club and maybe even go to a play party next time I go to visit him. I hope we can - I really would like to meet new people in the community in person. Online is fun and all, but it's not the same experience as meeting people and watching them play.
~~~
Whenever Master was at his computer, I sat on the floor beside him and rested my head on his lap. As he ran his fingers through my hair, I couldn't think of any place I'd rather be. I can't wait to see him again.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
*sigh*
Sometimes my family surprises me. The other day, after seeing a trailer for an inane-looking movie called "Mama Mia!", in which a woman tries to figure out which of three hunks is her dad because she absolutely needs her father to "give her away" at her wedding, I remarked that I only want Dad to "give me away" at my wedding (assuming I ever get married) if my husband-to-be is walked down the aisle by his mother. Either he's escorted too, or I get to walk down the aisle by myself, like a big girl.
To my amazement, my mother and sister dismissed the idea, saying things along the lines of, "Oh, it doesn't mean that anymore!" (That is, "giving away" the bride no longer means the father is relinquishing dominion over her.)
I've heard a phrase along the lines of, "The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he doesn't exist." The same thing can be said of sexism.
To my amazement, my mother and sister dismissed the idea, saying things along the lines of, "Oh, it doesn't mean that anymore!" (That is, "giving away" the bride no longer means the father is relinquishing dominion over her.)
I've heard a phrase along the lines of, "The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he doesn't exist." The same thing can be said of sexism.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Fulfilling my needs
I miss Master. Not only do I miss Master, I miss the things Master would do to me. I miss the spankings, the paddlings, the clothespins, the ice cubes, the ropes, the blindfolds, the handcuffs, the knives. I miss him ordering me to crawl on the floor, scolding me for some "infraction" between swats with a wooden spoon, murmuring, "Good girl, kitten," in my ear. I miss being so deep in subspace that I can't open my eyes because even the light from a single candle is too bright and I can't even speak. I miss the sensation of having all my nerves alight and quivering, so the lightest touch makes me shiver and twitch.
I miss having sex with Master, too, of course. I miss that terribly. But that's a different thing. It's like being stranded in a desert; you want food and water, but they're still separate things. This particular desire is new to me, though; last summer Master didn't yet own me - indeed, I had never even tried BDSM. I know how to handle my sex drive; how do I handle my newly-awakened kink drive?
If I'm horny, I can just masturbate and I'm good. Problem solved. But self-gratification in BDSM seems a bit trickier. I don't think spanking myself would cut it - it's not just about the pain, it's the fact that someone else is inflicting it on me. I can't submit to myself.
I suppose I could hire a prodom, theoretically. That's expensive, though - and expense is the least of my hesitations. Not only do I worry about how Master would feel about it, I also worry about how I would feel about it. Master - and M, to a much lesser extent - is the only person who has dominated me. How would it be different? Would I even like it if someone else was holding the flogger? It's the same thing that keeps me from considering finding a play partner; when Master and I play together, it's not just about him giving pain/orders and me receiving it/them. The entire subtext of our relationship is behind it - our friendship, our love, everything. I need to have that if I'm going to submit/bottom to someone, and I don't think that kind of relationship is possible with someone I'm playing with just for the summer or someone I'm paying to hit me.
BUT.
I go to visit him in a week!
So there's hope after all.
I miss having sex with Master, too, of course. I miss that terribly. But that's a different thing. It's like being stranded in a desert; you want food and water, but they're still separate things. This particular desire is new to me, though; last summer Master didn't yet own me - indeed, I had never even tried BDSM. I know how to handle my sex drive; how do I handle my newly-awakened kink drive?
If I'm horny, I can just masturbate and I'm good. Problem solved. But self-gratification in BDSM seems a bit trickier. I don't think spanking myself would cut it - it's not just about the pain, it's the fact that someone else is inflicting it on me. I can't submit to myself.
I suppose I could hire a prodom, theoretically. That's expensive, though - and expense is the least of my hesitations. Not only do I worry about how Master would feel about it, I also worry about how I would feel about it. Master - and M, to a much lesser extent - is the only person who has dominated me. How would it be different? Would I even like it if someone else was holding the flogger? It's the same thing that keeps me from considering finding a play partner; when Master and I play together, it's not just about him giving pain/orders and me receiving it/them. The entire subtext of our relationship is behind it - our friendship, our love, everything. I need to have that if I'm going to submit/bottom to someone, and I don't think that kind of relationship is possible with someone I'm playing with just for the summer or someone I'm paying to hit me.
BUT.
I go to visit him in a week!
So there's hope after all.
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