Muses

Master recently asked me if I considered my kinky "personas" as separate characters, and/or if I pretend to be specific fictional characters when I'm sceneing. I had to think about it for a bit because it's not really something I consciously consider when I slip into my Dom or sub roles. But I realized I do at least have characters that are "points of inspiration" for me, though I don't necessarily pretend to be them, specifically.

My muse for domming is Number Six from Battlestar Galactica. She is the type of woman that I try to be when I'm domming: sultry, sexy, and seductive; someone who knows exactly what she wants, and has no hesitations about using others to get it; a person who relies more on force of personality and psychological manipulation than physical force.

When I imagine my "Domme self," I imagine a woman who looks like her (though not necessarily as blonde as her, as my hair is nothing like that). I like to imagine myself in slinky dresses and elegant jewelry (things which are sadly underrepresented in my actual wardrobe), and with high heels that I can somehow walk in effortlessly. The femme fatale, if you will. It's funny because I'm normally nowhere near that femme in my everyday appearance, nor do I particularly want to be. But my conception of domming is inextricably linked with high femme, for whatever reason.

My muse for subbing - and this one is a little more embarrassing to admit - is Merle from Escaflowne. The feline aspect is obvious, however, there are other reasons why my kitten persona is similar to hers. She is fiercely loyal to her Lord, but not in a simpering way; she has a lot of fight and mischievousness in her. She's bubbly, talkative, eager to please, and doesn't care too much for fancy-shmancy attire or surroundings.

I'm not sure if I imagine my kitten persona as looking similar to Merle, besides the catlike features; my mental self-image is much murkier in that regard, for some reason. I do imagine myself as being considerably shorter and smaller than everyone else, like Merle is. I'm not sure how old Merle is supposed to be, as there are "adult" catpeople who are bigger and more grown-up-looking in the show, but age difference doesn't really factor in as part of my persona (the childishness implied in "kitten" notwithstanding).

On Squirting

I can squirt when I orgasm, sometimes.

It's a pretty infrequent occurrence, and I used to think that it was more-or-less random, but I've discovered that there is a semi-reliable way to make me squirt: play with my clit while forcing me to keep a cock in my mouth, e.g. by holding the back of my head or my hair. The last few times Master has done that to me, I've squirted, and I'm fairly certain the one or two times I squirted with a different partner were under similar conditions.

I'm not sure why that particular situation causes me to squirt. It's not a breathplay thing, as I can breathe just fine with a cock in my mouth. My instinct when I'm getting close to orgasm is to flail around, be very vocal, etc, so maybe it's something about being restrained by the head? I think it might force me to "focus" more because I can't "dispel" my energy via flailing and such. So it's like a buildup of more and more energy, and I can't release it the way I normally do, so I squirt. Almost as if it were condensing, hahaha.

I'd be very interested to do some experiments and figure out which particular variables cause the squirting. For example, maybe restrain me but leave my mouth free, and see if I can squirt that way. And maybe try with a ball gag or something similar, see if it's the mouth specifically that triggers it.

Science!

Blowing off the dust

I haven't posted for a while, for no real reason other than I haven't felt like it. I'm in a comfortable place w/r/t my kinkiness and my feminism, so I haven't needed to hash that out here; I'm still in an LDR (well, multiple LDRs), so I don't get a lot of play-time to recount; things have, overall, been quiet.

One change that has occurred over the months, though, is that I no longer identify as a sub; I identify as a switch now. I still submit to Master, of course, but I now dom Ume more than vice-versa. So it feels wrong to call myself just a sub.

I think I just wasn't confident enough in myself to "take control" as a dom before. Women are supposed to be submissive, so it was easy for me to adopt that role. But now I've been sexually active for almost six years, and kinky for just a little bit less time, so now I feel competent enough to dom. But subbing is still a lot of fun, so there's no way I'm going to stop doing that!

I should probably rename this blog, though, to more accurately reflect my new identity. Any ideas are welcome.

Fantasy

I regularly make friendly bets with Ume, and I won our most recent one. (It was on what percentage of votes Ron Paul would get in the Wisconsin primary.) Our wager this time was that the loser must writer an erotica for the winner, with the winner picking the scenario.

Well, I won. So I had to pick a scenario that I'd find sexy.

I'm still on a Skyrim kick (and still a furry), so I wanted something with a Khajiit. But I didn't have a particular preference for a male vs. female Khajiit. I realized I'm turned on both by the idea of being held by fur-covered arms and having those fur-covered arms. But either way, I wanted the Khajiit to be the dominant individual. They are predators, and it is exciting to be either the hunter or the hunted.

When determining what kind of story to write, Ume asked me an interesting question: how intelligent did I want the Khajiit character to be? More animal-like, human-like, or superior to humans? I decided I wanted the Khajiit to be at least as intelligent as a human, but with strong instincts to hunt and pursue. It's that marriage - that fusion - of human cunning and animal desire that I find so entrancing and so arousing. It makes them even more dangerous.

I also didn't really want any explicit BDSM themes in the story. No dungeon setting, no crops/floggers, no chains. Those are a very tactile, physical appeal to me; just thinking about them doesn't do it. I have to be actually experiencing them. However, the mind games involved in bending someone to your will - or, conversely, in getting your will slowly get broken and overpowered by a good dom - is something that does turn me on just by thinking about it.

I'm interested to see what Ume comes up with. He decided he wanted to give the story a more modern setting, so it won't be purely a Skyrim fanfic. I'm also getting the urge to try writing my own erotica. I've tried before, but I've never been able to finish a story; either I feel too incredibly awkward to write out the sex scene, or I get so turned on by it that I start fapping furiously, and then I forget.

Visibility

I recently got my hair cut. Whereas before it was about chin-length, it's now in a pixie cut - no more than a couple inches.

Whereas I wear the same types of clothing that I did before - relatively androgynous cargo-shorts-and-tee-shirt getup - I seem to draw stares and attention that I didn't when my hair was longer. I think it's because my old hair length was enough to put me in the "acceptably feminine" category. Now I've strayed "too far" into butch territory; I'm suddenly, visibly queer.

It's an interesting reminder of how much gender and sexuality is still policed in our society; while I haven't actually been accosted, I can feel the stares of people - particularly men - on me when I go about my business. I don't think they know what to make of me. And, being the rebellious person that I am, it makes me want to push those gender boundaries even more. I'll give you something to stare at, I think.

I feel a little more at home in queer spaces, too. Less like an impostor; more like I belong there. I get knowing smiles from other visibly queer women when I pass them. Too bad I still don't know how to approach ladies. >.<

It's interesting how such a small, superficial thing can have such a large social impact.

Shibari wish list

Master and I bought (one of?) Midori's books on shibari for Valentine's day, and I've been looking around to see what kind of knots I'd like to try the next time we're together.

The first one I like is this one. The repetitive pattern of the knots up her arms is really cool, and I'm intrigued by the hint that her arms are tied both to her chest harness and to her thighs. Seems like an interesting predicament! Also, Wonder Woman. Hot.

The second one I'd like to try is this one, though it's probably beyond Master's and my ken. It just looks so... relaxing. Like a hammock or a porch swing.

Finally, I'm really intrigued by this one. Though it looks really simple, it also looks like it'd feel really nice; your arms are braced against this wooden pole, your legs bound, no sight, a gag keeping you from speaking... mmmm. That particular leg position might make it more difficult for Master to fuck me, but he could still torment my pussy with his hands or with toys. :3 And if one simply removes the gag, one has easy access to a blowjob!

What what, in the butt

I fucked someone in the ass for the first time over the weekend. It was pretty cool.

It was Furby, my old friend and a regular partner of Master's now that she's in the same city as him. She looooves ass play (in fact, I think she's the one who first told me that hey, girls can like it too), so when she was with Master and me we decided to double-stuff her because I'd brought my little ass dildo along.

At first I was pretty scared, because my own ass is very tender and I have to be very careful with anything going up there (though I usually love it once it is). But I made sure to use plenty of lube (and a condom, natch), and she was having a grand old time, and soon I was too. I've watched her get fucked in the ass before, and the noises she makes when she comes from it are unmatched. I mean, goddamn that woman has a set of pipes.

Once I got over the initial fear of hurting her, it really wasn't that different from using a strap-on for PIV stuff. I can't really feel anything, but there is a psychological thrill to eliciting such strong reactions from someone. I always worry that I'm tiring too quickly because my muscles aren't used to moving that way during sex, but afterwards Master always comments on how hard I was going to town on whomever I was with, so I guess it's not really a problem.

I think the one thing I didn't like about it was the smell. Which I know is kind of inevitable with buttsex, but it's still unpleasant when it occurs.

Master asked me afterwards if I wanted to peg Ume, because Ume had expressed passing curiosity in it in the past. I'm honestly not sure. I can see myself doing it for his sake, as a sort of fun experiment, but I have to admit that the thought of it doesn't actually turn me on. It's kind of a sure, why not thing. It doesn't help that Ume is so much taller than me, so I have a harder time imagining the logistics of it.

Frustratingly enough, I still can't take Master in my ass - not even one of his fingers. Even though I can take my ass dildos, which are bigger than his fingers; it's one of my new favorite ways to masturbate, in fact. I'm not sure what the problem is; maybe Master isn't using enough lube? I think he's trying to do the in-and-out motion too quickly, because when I masturbate I slowly get the whole dildo in before doing any in-and-out. (And even then, I usually don't do very much.) And dildos don't have body heat! I think that has something to do with it too. Also performance anxiety.

Sigh. If we were able to be together more often I think I'd be able to manage it.

Plans plans plans

I have big plans for Valentine's day (kind of).

On the actual V-day I'm going to give myself some self-loving. Take a long bath, meticulously groom myself, and pleasure myself silly. Maybe play some Skyrim while drinking wine. :)

On Wednesday I'm dropping my kitties off at the cat-sitter and driving to see Master, and I should arrive by mid-afternoon. He'll still be at work at that point, but I'll go downtown myself and buy a sexy nurse outfit per his request at my favorite sex shop in his city (which is much better-stocked than the one in mine). We'll meet downtown after he gets off of work and have dinner at a nice restaurant there - maybe a sushi place. Then we'll go back to his place and I can "care" for him in my new outfit.

On Thursday I'll have a lazy day - he still has work, so I'll probably sleep in. Maybe I'll hang out with one of my metamours, if she's not working that day, but otherwise I'll knit and play with Master's bunny. (Not a euphemism - he has an ADORABLE pet rabbit.) I'll be wearing nothing but my collar when Master gets home from work. :3

On Friday I'll sleep in and be lazy again while he works, and in the evening we're having a mini-party. Ume and Gene are arriving that night (IIRC), so we get to see them! Yay! There will be much socializing and having fun.

On Saturday we'll all go out for a meal together and get ready for the masquerade ball that night. Then is the ball, which will be much fun and enjoyment, and when we get home I imagine we'll have an awesome orgy.

On Sunday we might orgy a bit more, but regardless we'll have breakfast together; maybe get something from Dunkin' Donunts. Then I'll go home and pick up my kitties. :)

Alter Egos

Yikes, I hadn't realized I'd neglected this blog for quite so long. Well, no need to dwell on it - I doubt more than a handful of people noticed anyway - so on to the subject at hand.

In my experience, having "kinky alter egos" is a pretty common thing. For example, when we're sceneing my boyfriend becomes Master and I become kitten. Many of my other partners have names for their alter egos as well, at least the dominant ones. (For a long time I was almost exclusively submissive, so their own subbiness didn't get much practice with me.)

But I've noticed an interesting difference between me and a few of my partners in terms of how we relate to our kinky sides. They refer to their alter egos in the third person, almost as if they are separate people. "Lupa is very mad at you," my friend will growl sweetly, hinting at what will come later that evening. Even more interestingly, Ume's alter ego Jack comes up in places other than the bedroom; he says that he finds Jack useful when playing poker and he must find the right balance of being a cutthroat risk-taker and a prudent observer of people's behavior. Jack is certainly a useful persona; he's earned his rent check (and then some) many times that way.

I didn't think much of this until recently, when playing with Lupa and Ume. I recently worked up the courage to express my Domme side around Ume, to the great delight of us both. (Domming a man who's significantly bigger than me has been a fantasy of mine for a little while.) While Lupa and I had fun tormenting him, he suddenly asked, "Do you have a name you want me to call you?"

I paused. "You know, I haven't actually thought of that," I admitted.

"Is what I've been calling you so far okay?" he asked, having been calling me Mistress up until that point.

"Oh yes!" I said, and we continued with our fun. It certainly made me feel in charge, and I don't call Master anything other than Master, so Mistress was sufficient for me.

Later, Lupa asked Ume if it'd be possible to "talk out" Jack. I was curious; though he'd taken a dominant role in our playsessions before, I had never noticed a distinct persona, like I do when Master is Master. So we started bantering, references to gambling and luck being prominent in our innuendo. As Ume explained the difference between himself and Jack, I could see the shift in his body language and in his speech patterns as he began to settle into Jack's mindset. However, I was still in a Dommy mood myself, and I couldn't bring myself to be properly "afraid," even though I could see that hungry gleam in his eye. Instead, I kept teasing him - being a real brat. "So," Ume finally asked me, "how are you going to make good on our bet?"

"Well," I said with a grin as I lounged on the bed, "I guess you can just tell me what to do, and I'll fulfill your request to the best of my ability."

He looked me up and down once, again with that predatory gleam. "Good," he said. He pinned me down to the bed and kissed me - and I immediately could tell that this was Jack. Whereas normally Ume's kisses are incredibly gentle - I'd even call them tentative - this kiss was forceful, hungry, and confident. He knew what he wanted, and he knew he could take it. And, like flipping a switch (HA HA I MADE A FUNNY) I was suddenly in full-on submissive mode.

This was the first session where I've switched from Domme to sub like that (and where my partner has done the same), so I think that's why it got me thinking about alter egos. I certainly have different behaviors, speech patterns, etc. when I'm kitten (instead of everyday me), but I don't really think of "kitten" as separate from "me." But then again, "I" would be fucking pissed off if someone called me a slut or a cocksucker, where as "kitten" loves it. Would it be helpful for me to think of my submissive (and my dominant) personality as separate personas? Or would that lead to unhealthy compartmentalization? I don't know. I'll have to think about it more.

For science!

One of the unexpected benefits of having multiple sexual partners is that we can talk about and compare our bodies and our sexual preferences; the differences between us are often fascinating.

For example, my vagina is deeper than Lupa's; this is probably why we enjoy different sensations when being penetrated. She prefers ribs and bumps and textures, while I prefer smooth, deep, hard fuckings. As another example, Gene has a bigger clit than I do, which means oral techniques that drive her wild just don't work on me.

The other fun thing about my sexual partners is that I have more people to learn from. Not too long ago I was having sexytime with Lupa and Ume, and when I gestured for Lupa to start sucking off Ume, she hesitated. "I actually don't know very much about how to do that," she admitted.

"All right, lesson time!" Ume said, sitting up. What followed was a brief anatomy lecture on the parts of the male genitalia and the relative sensitivity of each part. He then showed us a handjob technique he called "Five-Star Exploding Palm Technique" that I have to try out on Master next time we're together.

I know that when people say someone approaches sex "academically," they mean it as an insult. But for me and my lovers, it's the opposite; we love learning, we're curious people, and we enjoy engaging each other intellectually as well as - and sometimes at the same time as - sexually. (The subject line is often the "excuse" we provide when we suggest a new sexual activity.)

I don't know how common this attitude is in the population at large. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in our own little kinky/poly world that I forget we're not the norm. For example, I recently read a study that found the median "ideal number" of sexual partners for both men and women was one. Only one?! I thought. That can't be right! It's gotta be two or three. Then I remembered - most people do that whole monogamy thing. Oh yeah...

I need to be careful not to have my worldview lose the wider perspective. That would be unscientific. :)

New experiences

I had my first orgy over the weekend.

There were nine people including me, two of whom I'd never met before that night (but were quite lovely people, really).

There wasn't very much fucking going on, actually - but a tooon of oral. I didn't mind in the least, of course; I adore both giving and receiving from both sexes. There was lots of giggling and hardly any awkwardness, which means that I feel secure declaring the orgy a resounding success. Huzzah!

I think I am getting used to Master and me being not-primaries. I didn't feel the need to be all up on him the entirety of the orgy (and the party leading up to it), and I didn't get super-depressed about the short amount of time we had together.

I think that now the expectation that we will eventually live together - that we should live together - has been lifted, I'm starting to relax. I still get bummed out about it sometimes, to be honest, but it's getting better. Slowly, it is getting better.

Quality instead of quantity

I discovered this post on What Kind of Submissive Are You? My brief answers:

1. How much do you like being owned? That is an 8-10 to me. I get a real thrill knowing that I am Master's pet, and his alone.
2. How much do you like to serve? 5-7. Sometimes I enjoy serving Master, but other times I prefer to be pampered by him.
3. How much do you want to be degraded, yelled at, called "dirty" or a "slut"? 4-8. This one varies wiiiidely. On the one hand, I love it when he calls me his "slut" and his "cum bucket" and other sexually-charged things like that. On the other hand, I hate hate hate being called stupid, or a bitch, or things like that that aren't explicitly sexually charged.
4. How much do you want to be tied down and restrained? 10!!! This is my favorite - both physically and psychologically!
5. Do you want or need to be beaten? I'd say this is an 8. I really crave a good spanking, but I'm pretty sure I'm a wuss compared to a lot of subs when it comes to physical punishment.
6. How much do you like to be fucked? 10!!! BDSM and sex are pretty closely tied for me.
7. How much do you desire to be given away? 5. On the one hand, I like the fantasy of it. On the other hand, I would not want it to mean I couldn't be with Master anymore, and I wouldn't want it to be with someone I wouldn't have sex with on my own anyway. (So it's a pretty select list, when you get down to it.)
   
8. 
   

"From Vista to XP"

Master and I have downgraded our relationship.

Basically, we're not primary partners anymore. But we don't have "replacement" primaries either. Just secondaries all around.

I'm still trying to adjust to this; I'm not going to lie, I didn't exactly want it to happen. I'm not yet comfortable with how little input I have in his outside relationships (e.g. no more veto power), even though it also means I have much more freedom.

At least he's still my Master, and I'm still his only kitten. I'm glad we still have that.

Gratitude

Lately I've had a hard time keeping positive about my relationship with Master; all I can think about is how far apart we are, all the things that we can't do together because we live in different states, all the people that he's with that aren't me.

So, to help cheer me up, here is a list of things that I'm grateful for in my relationship with him:

1. I am grateful that I can use modern technology to see his face even when we're hundreds of miles away, or to chat with him even when we're at work.
2. I am grateful that my clutter won't make him frustrated because he's not here to see it.
3. I am grateful that I can own cats - he'd never allow it if we lived together.
4. I am grateful that we're only three hours apart instead of five, or eight.
5. I am grateful that I got to spend one night in his arms this past weekend.
6. I am grateful that I got to have sex with him once this past weekend.
7. I am grateful that he is willing to listen to me when I'm upset.
8. I am grateful that he is willing to work with me to help me feel more secure.
9. I am grateful that he loves me.
10. I am grateful that he wants to make our relationship work.
    

Agog

Lady Gaga attended the MTV Awards as her male alter-ego, Jo Calderone. Naturally, this caused quite a stir among the media, which immediately began digging up all the tidbits on the performance (for it was a performance, make no mistake) that they could. Some of the resulting coverage was obviously put out by people not familiar with drag ("OMG! SHE WORE A FAKE PENIS!!!" Uh... it's called packing.) while some of it was pretty interesting.

For example, apparently Jo used the men's restroom. If it's true (I take all celebrity gossip rags with a mountain of salt), it's a neat commentary on how silly gender-segregated bathrooms are in general.

I also found it amusing that she went in drag for her award in the Best Female Video category. I'm positive that was entirely intentional. After all, what is "female", anyway?

I noticed that a lot of the responses to Jo were that the character was "exhausting" and "annoying." The accent certainly was grating after a bit (And the slouching! Stand up, man!), but overall I found the performance entertaining. It hit on the major theme of Gaga's schtick - the idea that she is constantly performing. And I was intrigued that Jo hinted that was not a good thing. (But what is the alternative? We are always performing for someone, even if it is just ourselves.) I also liked that he highlighted the ultra-femininity of Gaga's usual persona, as opposed to, well, him. Some times it seemed like the (probably mostly, if not entirely) cis male backup dancers were dancing more femininely than Jo was. They certainly did more pirouettes, which actually made sense considering they weren't holding microphones.

I'll be interested to see if Jo appears more often in the future. Admittedly, I haven't been keeping up with all things Gaga because her latest album was rather meh, IMO. But I'm sure that the media will get all aflutter again the next time Jo shows up, so I'm bound to hear about it.

Stay sharp

I'm trying to decide if the infrequency of the kink scenes I can participate in is a good thing or a bad thing.

On the one hand, I'm more sensitive, which means it doesn't take as much to get the same subjective effect.

On the other hand, I can't take as much abuse! It wounds my pride. I also worry that Master gets frustrated if he can't do all the mean things he used to.

So what could I do to keep myself "in practice," as it were? I don't usually go for self-inflicted sadism, but maybe it's worth a shot.

Cost/Benefit

This is what happens when Master decides to fuck me while I'm updating my blog, and forces me to type what I'm thinking while he does it. He gave me a few prompts on the subject matter. Such as what we'd do if we were with Ume and Gene, and what I liked about being with Furby. And then he made me post it because I'm a bad sub who didn't update her blog on time!

Enjoy!
----------------

Being in a long-distance relationship is tough. I don't think that's news to anyone. It's difficult in a lot of ways:

1) Lack of physical intimacy. No matter what kind of relationship you have - open or closed,;aljkm d bfddddddddddddf;dsflfdsdsfdfsfdsdsfhyfggrf ficn;lka;lksi can'tjoaiw; dsid don't know what tgo tyopeow owow owowoowowowowowowo it feels goootooooi i love ;oyou mastere ikjdkits so deep i can't i don't know what to type it feels good i f ffnon me=y back dkkdkdkdkdkd ofn py back i yses herkdi don' fuck me on my back with you on top please an dhold my face down i'd have them pull nout athe sofaebed and put the air mattress next to it and then jiddid and hand then d we'd jfbli i wnant to watfch you fuk gene i want youj jaj;lralkiouji wnant to watch you fuck her FROM BEHIND!!!!!!!!!!!! nand then i'd have you fuck me as i s;uckeds off ume and athtthaht;se gene would play with you r neuts dk and dkty and then dk and then i would suck you off while gene sat on your face and you would taste her sweet pussy

i like being spanked when I'm bent over the bed with my arms stretched out in front of me and tied down maybe my legs tied down toooooo and then i can't see what master is going to hit me with next

i liked it when i got to taste her pussy because it tasted so sweet and so good and i liked filming you fuck her andtasting her while you fuck me . watching you two vie for control was also fun to watch and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and i liked it when i was tied to the headboar

Death by Snu-Snu!

Recently I've found myself entranced with the idea of Amazonian women. I think I know what triggered it; I got hooked on the excellent webcomic Drowtales, where Drow women are the dominant gender and typically portrayed as larger and stronger than Drow men, and I also have been reading the excellent comic series Secret Six by Gail Simone, which features Knockout (technically an alien) and several literal Amazons, including the most famous example, Wonder Woman.

As is the case with almost any superhero that's been around for seventy (!!!) years, Wonder Woman's been portrayed in many different ways over the years, and I find myself drawn to a specific version of her: 6+ feet tall (officially she's supposed to be 5'11", but more recent artists have drawn her at about the same height as Superman, who's 6'3"), clearly muscular, and in many ways more of a warrior than either Bats or Supes - namely, in that she is willing to kill if necessary. Her access to magical items, and her resistance to magic, arguably make her even more powerful than Superman; she's probably the only person who could kill him in a straight-up fight (and has come close to doing so)!

I'm not sure if I want to be one of these Amazons or if I want to be with one. I think it's a little of both; the idea of being in the mere presence of such a powerful and commanding person gives me the chills, and at the same time I like to imagine what it would be like to wield that kind of strength and martial prowess. I guess that's the switch in me, wanting to at once dominate and be dominated - for in any of my daydreams and fantasies involving an Amazon, she is never the one being dominated. Amazons, by their very nature, cannot be dominated by anyone (except maybe another Amazon).

Thanks to DnD, I can express my desires to an extent; I recently created a female paladin of St. Cuthbert who's 6'1" and expresses a lot of the traits I associate with the Amazon character: quiet competence, protectiveness (particularly towards other women), and devotion to noble ideals that she tries to temper with pragmatism (though she doesn't always succeed, and sometimes gets too zealous). In fact, right now all the female PCs in this DnD campaign are tanks and heavy hitters, while all the male PCs are squishy rogues and spellcasters! I'm having a lot of fun with it. :)

Another feature of Amazon stories that I like is the exploration of matriarchal societies. Drowtales in particular does a good job of imagining what a militant matriarchal society would be like, though occasionally I can't help but think, "That attitude makes sense only if the character were raised in a patriarchy! Which s/he wasn't!" Maybe this is just a hint that I should try my hand at writing my own.

Square peg, round hole?

Master and I have reached a meeting of the minds, as it were, with our old friends Ume and Gene, and now we swing together* whenever our schedules allow.

We have a planned rendez-vous later this month, and last night I chatted with Ume about what we'd like to do the next time we meet. Eventually he brought up that, though this month's meeting would be too soon for comfort, sometime in the future he'd be interested in perhaps trying pegging.

I've considered whether I'd like to try pegging before, and I must say that I find the idea a little weird, though not so much that I'm unwilling to try it. However, I'm trying to determine what the source of my disinterest is.

Part of it is that I'm not confident in my ability to avoid hurting Ume - it's the same reason I'm hesitant to anally penetrate anyone, male or female. However, there does seem to be something to woman-on-man penetration that I find mildly off-putting in a way that man-on-man, woman-on-woman, and man-on-woman penetration are not. This makes me think that my discomfort is a result of socialization.

This doesn't quite make sense to me, even though that's where the evidence points; after all, I enjoy fem dom/male sub as much as any other permutation of genders and power dynamics. And even then, penetration doesn't always equate with domination anyway - so why does the specific scenario of a woman penetrating a man cause this reaction?

My frustration with the irrationality of the whole thing makes me more keen on trying it at least once, to see if I can overcome the socialization that I believe is affecting me. However, I think this does raise a larger question: how do we find the balance between owning our sexual preferences and working to undo sexist/racist/whatever conditioning? For example, while it's okay to find, say, Asian women attractive, it's not okay to fetishize them as "exotic" or anything like that. How do we discern what is a genuine and/or benign preference and what is a problematic mindset? (And that doesn't even get into the post-structuralist idea that there is no such thing as "genuine" sexual attraction or gender expression. (Yes, I've been reading Judith Butler lately, how did you guess?))

In any case, as I said, pegging is something I'm willing to try. Maybe once I'm actually performing the act I'll find out it's actually awesome; maybe I'll grow to love it, like I did with spanking. Or maybe I'll just be "meh," but at least I can say I tried it. There are very few sexual practices that I'm willing to dismiss offhand.

*I get the impression that "swinging" as a concept has something of a sour flavor for the poly community in general, but that really is the best way to describe what we do, I think. However, I'll save that for another post.

Maaasturbation!

Recently I had a conversation with Master that went along these lines:

Master: I'm thinking I'm going to cut back on masturbating. Not stop entirely, but try to restrain myself more.

Me: Oh?

Master: Yeah. I want to limit myself to two times a day.

Me: Two times a day?! How often do you usually do it?!

Master: About six times a day.

Me: SIX TIMES A DAY?!

Master: Yeah, about.

Me: ...Wow. Like, I'm not even upset or anything. I'm just... impressed! Most guys have trouble just getting it up half that number of times! (Or so I hear.)

It's true - I am really impressed. However, it also got me thinking. You see, I haven't really masturbated in... well, months. I used to do it several times a week - sometimes multiple times a day - but for the past several months my desire to jerk off has plummeted.

My sex drive hasn't been affected at all; I still want to fuck Master a good three times a day or so when we're together. But I never get a very strong urge to masturbate anymore; it's nothing more than a vague, "Hmm, wanking might be nice," but the urge is never strong enough to make me do anything about it. I tried wanking last night, but I got distracted by (non-sexually) playing with my lopsided labia (they are quite fun to mess with), and the mood left me.

I'm kind of sad about this. I know that one's sexual desires fluctuate over time and all that, and it's not like I don't want to have sex anymore, but masturbating is fun! I know that it's relaxing, that it helps perk up my mood, and other fun things. I wonder if I should just make a habit of trying to masturbate every day, or something like that, to jump-start my desire again. I've heard that cis women's sex drives are a "use it or lose it" type thing, where the more you are sexual, the more you want to be sexual. Maybe that's my issue. I'll give it a try.