Muses

Master recently asked me if I considered my kinky "personas" as separate characters, and/or if I pretend to be specific fictional characters when I'm sceneing. I had to think about it for a bit because it's not really something I consciously consider when I slip into my Dom or sub roles. But I realized I do at least have characters that are "points of inspiration" for me, though I don't necessarily pretend to be them, specifically.

My muse for domming is Number Six from Battlestar Galactica. She is the type of woman that I try to be when I'm domming: sultry, sexy, and seductive; someone who knows exactly what she wants, and has no hesitations about using others to get it; a person who relies more on force of personality and psychological manipulation than physical force.

When I imagine my "Domme self," I imagine a woman who looks like her (though not necessarily as blonde as her, as my hair is nothing like that). I like to imagine myself in slinky dresses and elegant jewelry (things which are sadly underrepresented in my actual wardrobe), and with high heels that I can somehow walk in effortlessly. The femme fatale, if you will. It's funny because I'm normally nowhere near that femme in my everyday appearance, nor do I particularly want to be. But my conception of domming is inextricably linked with high femme, for whatever reason.

My muse for subbing - and this one is a little more embarrassing to admit - is Merle from Escaflowne. The feline aspect is obvious, however, there are other reasons why my kitten persona is similar to hers. She is fiercely loyal to her Lord, but not in a simpering way; she has a lot of fight and mischievousness in her. She's bubbly, talkative, eager to please, and doesn't care too much for fancy-shmancy attire or surroundings.

I'm not sure if I imagine my kitten persona as looking similar to Merle, besides the catlike features; my mental self-image is much murkier in that regard, for some reason. I do imagine myself as being considerably shorter and smaller than everyone else, like Merle is. I'm not sure how old Merle is supposed to be, as there are "adult" catpeople who are bigger and more grown-up-looking in the show, but age difference doesn't really factor in as part of my persona (the childishness implied in "kitten" notwithstanding).

On Squirting

I can squirt when I orgasm, sometimes.

It's a pretty infrequent occurrence, and I used to think that it was more-or-less random, but I've discovered that there is a semi-reliable way to make me squirt: play with my clit while forcing me to keep a cock in my mouth, e.g. by holding the back of my head or my hair. The last few times Master has done that to me, I've squirted, and I'm fairly certain the one or two times I squirted with a different partner were under similar conditions.

I'm not sure why that particular situation causes me to squirt. It's not a breathplay thing, as I can breathe just fine with a cock in my mouth. My instinct when I'm getting close to orgasm is to flail around, be very vocal, etc, so maybe it's something about being restrained by the head? I think it might force me to "focus" more because I can't "dispel" my energy via flailing and such. So it's like a buildup of more and more energy, and I can't release it the way I normally do, so I squirt. Almost as if it were condensing, hahaha.

I'd be very interested to do some experiments and figure out which particular variables cause the squirting. For example, maybe restrain me but leave my mouth free, and see if I can squirt that way. And maybe try with a ball gag or something similar, see if it's the mouth specifically that triggers it.

Science!

Blowing off the dust

I haven't posted for a while, for no real reason other than I haven't felt like it. I'm in a comfortable place w/r/t my kinkiness and my feminism, so I haven't needed to hash that out here; I'm still in an LDR (well, multiple LDRs), so I don't get a lot of play-time to recount; things have, overall, been quiet.

One change that has occurred over the months, though, is that I no longer identify as a sub; I identify as a switch now. I still submit to Master, of course, but I now dom Ume more than vice-versa. So it feels wrong to call myself just a sub.

I think I just wasn't confident enough in myself to "take control" as a dom before. Women are supposed to be submissive, so it was easy for me to adopt that role. But now I've been sexually active for almost six years, and kinky for just a little bit less time, so now I feel competent enough to dom. But subbing is still a lot of fun, so there's no way I'm going to stop doing that!

I should probably rename this blog, though, to more accurately reflect my new identity. Any ideas are welcome.

Fantasy

I regularly make friendly bets with Ume, and I won our most recent one. (It was on what percentage of votes Ron Paul would get in the Wisconsin primary.) Our wager this time was that the loser must writer an erotica for the winner, with the winner picking the scenario.

Well, I won. So I had to pick a scenario that I'd find sexy.

I'm still on a Skyrim kick (and still a furry), so I wanted something with a Khajiit. But I didn't have a particular preference for a male vs. female Khajiit. I realized I'm turned on both by the idea of being held by fur-covered arms and having those fur-covered arms. But either way, I wanted the Khajiit to be the dominant individual. They are predators, and it is exciting to be either the hunter or the hunted.

When determining what kind of story to write, Ume asked me an interesting question: how intelligent did I want the Khajiit character to be? More animal-like, human-like, or superior to humans? I decided I wanted the Khajiit to be at least as intelligent as a human, but with strong instincts to hunt and pursue. It's that marriage - that fusion - of human cunning and animal desire that I find so entrancing and so arousing. It makes them even more dangerous.

I also didn't really want any explicit BDSM themes in the story. No dungeon setting, no crops/floggers, no chains. Those are a very tactile, physical appeal to me; just thinking about them doesn't do it. I have to be actually experiencing them. However, the mind games involved in bending someone to your will - or, conversely, in getting your will slowly get broken and overpowered by a good dom - is something that does turn me on just by thinking about it.

I'm interested to see what Ume comes up with. He decided he wanted to give the story a more modern setting, so it won't be purely a Skyrim fanfic. I'm also getting the urge to try writing my own erotica. I've tried before, but I've never been able to finish a story; either I feel too incredibly awkward to write out the sex scene, or I get so turned on by it that I start fapping furiously, and then I forget.

Visibility

I recently got my hair cut. Whereas before it was about chin-length, it's now in a pixie cut - no more than a couple inches.

Whereas I wear the same types of clothing that I did before - relatively androgynous cargo-shorts-and-tee-shirt getup - I seem to draw stares and attention that I didn't when my hair was longer. I think it's because my old hair length was enough to put me in the "acceptably feminine" category. Now I've strayed "too far" into butch territory; I'm suddenly, visibly queer.

It's an interesting reminder of how much gender and sexuality is still policed in our society; while I haven't actually been accosted, I can feel the stares of people - particularly men - on me when I go about my business. I don't think they know what to make of me. And, being the rebellious person that I am, it makes me want to push those gender boundaries even more. I'll give you something to stare at, I think.

I feel a little more at home in queer spaces, too. Less like an impostor; more like I belong there. I get knowing smiles from other visibly queer women when I pass them. Too bad I still don't know how to approach ladies. >.<

It's interesting how such a small, superficial thing can have such a large social impact.

Shibari wish list

Master and I bought (one of?) Midori's books on shibari for Valentine's day, and I've been looking around to see what kind of knots I'd like to try the next time we're together.

The first one I like is this one. The repetitive pattern of the knots up her arms is really cool, and I'm intrigued by the hint that her arms are tied both to her chest harness and to her thighs. Seems like an interesting predicament! Also, Wonder Woman. Hot.

The second one I'd like to try is this one, though it's probably beyond Master's and my ken. It just looks so... relaxing. Like a hammock or a porch swing.

Finally, I'm really intrigued by this one. Though it looks really simple, it also looks like it'd feel really nice; your arms are braced against this wooden pole, your legs bound, no sight, a gag keeping you from speaking... mmmm. That particular leg position might make it more difficult for Master to fuck me, but he could still torment my pussy with his hands or with toys. :3 And if one simply removes the gag, one has easy access to a blowjob!

What what, in the butt

I fucked someone in the ass for the first time over the weekend. It was pretty cool.

It was Furby, my old friend and a regular partner of Master's now that she's in the same city as him. She looooves ass play (in fact, I think she's the one who first told me that hey, girls can like it too), so when she was with Master and me we decided to double-stuff her because I'd brought my little ass dildo along.

At first I was pretty scared, because my own ass is very tender and I have to be very careful with anything going up there (though I usually love it once it is). But I made sure to use plenty of lube (and a condom, natch), and she was having a grand old time, and soon I was too. I've watched her get fucked in the ass before, and the noises she makes when she comes from it are unmatched. I mean, goddamn that woman has a set of pipes.

Once I got over the initial fear of hurting her, it really wasn't that different from using a strap-on for PIV stuff. I can't really feel anything, but there is a psychological thrill to eliciting such strong reactions from someone. I always worry that I'm tiring too quickly because my muscles aren't used to moving that way during sex, but afterwards Master always comments on how hard I was going to town on whomever I was with, so I guess it's not really a problem.

I think the one thing I didn't like about it was the smell. Which I know is kind of inevitable with buttsex, but it's still unpleasant when it occurs.

Master asked me afterwards if I wanted to peg Ume, because Ume had expressed passing curiosity in it in the past. I'm honestly not sure. I can see myself doing it for his sake, as a sort of fun experiment, but I have to admit that the thought of it doesn't actually turn me on. It's kind of a sure, why not thing. It doesn't help that Ume is so much taller than me, so I have a harder time imagining the logistics of it.

Frustratingly enough, I still can't take Master in my ass - not even one of his fingers. Even though I can take my ass dildos, which are bigger than his fingers; it's one of my new favorite ways to masturbate, in fact. I'm not sure what the problem is; maybe Master isn't using enough lube? I think he's trying to do the in-and-out motion too quickly, because when I masturbate I slowly get the whole dildo in before doing any in-and-out. (And even then, I usually don't do very much.) And dildos don't have body heat! I think that has something to do with it too. Also performance anxiety.

Sigh. If we were able to be together more often I think I'd be able to manage it.