A Submissive With Claws

For science!

2011-10-19T23:28:00.003-05:00

One of the unexpected benefits of having multiple sexual partners is that we can talk about and compare our bodies and our sexual preferences; the differences between us are often fascinating.

For example, my vagina is deeper than Lupa's; this is probably why we enjoy different sensations when being penetrated. She prefers ribs and bumps and textures, while I prefer smooth, deep, hard fuckings. As another example, Gene has a bigger clit than I do, which means oral techniques that drive her wild just don't work on me.

The other fun thing about my sexual partners is that I have more people to learn from. Not too long ago I was having sexytime with Lupa and Ume, and when I gestured for Lupa to start sucking off Ume, she hesitated. "I actually don't know very much about how to do that," she admitted.

"All right, lesson time!" Ume said, sitting up. What followed was a brief anatomy lecture on the parts of the male genitalia and the relative sensitivity of each part. He then showed us a handjob technique he called "Five-Star Exploding Palm Technique" that I have to try out on Master next time we're together.

I know that when people say someone approaches sex "academically," they mean it as an insult. But for me and my lovers, it's the opposite; we love learning, we're curious people, and we enjoy engaging each other intellectually as well as - and sometimes at the same time as - sexually. (The subject line is often the "excuse" we provide when we suggest a new sexual activity.)

I don't know how common this attitude is in the population at large. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in our own little kinky/poly world that I forget we're not the norm. For example, I recently read a study that found the median "ideal number" of sexual partners for both men and women was one. Only one?! I thought. That can't be right! It's gotta be two or three. Then I remembered - most people do that whole monogamy thing. Oh yeah...

I need to be careful not to have my worldview lose the wider perspective. That would be unscientific. :)

New experiences

2011-10-12T23:41:00.003-05:00

I had my first orgy over the weekend.

There were nine people including me, two of whom I'd never met before that night (but were quite lovely people, really).

There wasn't very much fucking going on, actually - but a tooon of oral. I didn't mind in the least, of course; I adore both giving and receiving from both sexes. There was lots of giggling and hardly any awkwardness, which means that I feel secure declaring the orgy a resounding success. Huzzah!

I think I am getting used to Master and me being not-primaries. I didn't feel the need to be all up on him the entirety of the orgy (and the party leading up to it), and I didn't get super-depressed about the short amount of time we had together.

I think that now the expectation that we will eventually live together - that we should live together - has been lifted, I'm starting to relax. I still get bummed out about it sometimes, to be honest, but it's getting better. Slowly, it is getting better.

Quality instead of quantity

2011-10-06T01:16:00.002-05:00

I discovered this post on What Kind of Submissive Are You? My brief answers:

How much do you like being owned? That is an 8-10 to me. I get a real thrill knowing that I am Master's pet, and his alone.
How much do you like to serve? 5-7. Sometimes I enjoy serving Master, but other times I prefer to be pampered by him.
How much do you want to be degraded, yelled at, called "dirty" or a "slut"? 4-8. This one varies wiiiidely. On the one hand, I love it when he calls me his "slut" and his "cum bucket" and other sexually-charged things like that. On the other hand, I hate hate hate being called stupid, or a bitch, or things like that that aren't explicitly sexually charged.
How much do you want to be tied down and restrained? 10!!! This is my favorite - both physically and psychologically!
Do you want or need to be beaten? I'd say this is an 8. I really crave a good spanking, but I'm pretty sure I'm a wuss compared to a lot of subs when it comes to physical punishment.
How much do you like to be fucked? 10!!! BDSM and sex are pretty closely tied for me.
How much do you desire to be given away? 5. On the one hand, I like the fantasy of it. On the other hand, I would not want it to mean I couldn't be with Master anymore, and I wouldn't want it to be with someone I wouldn't have sex with on my own anyway. (So it's a pretty select list, when you get down to it.)

"From Vista to XP"

2011-09-18T21:15:00.001-05:00

Master and I have downgraded our relationship.

Basically, we're not primary partners anymore. But we don't have "replacement" primaries either. Just secondaries all around.

I'm still trying to adjust to this; I'm not going to lie, I didn't exactly want it to happen. I'm not yet comfortable with how little input I have in his outside relationships (e.g. no more veto power), even though it also means I have much more freedom.

At least he's still my Master, and I'm still his only kitten. I'm glad we still have that.

Gratitude

2011-09-06T23:40:00.002-05:00

Lately I've had a hard time keeping positive about my relationship with Master; all I can think about is how far apart we are, all the things that we can't do together because we live in different states, all the people that he's with that aren't me.

So, to help cheer me up, here is a list of things that I'm grateful for in my relationship with him:

I am grateful that I can use modern technology to see his face even when we're hundreds of miles away, or to chat with him even when we're at work.
I am grateful that my clutter won't make him frustrated because he's not here to see it.
I am grateful that I can own cats - he'd never allow it if we lived together.
I am grateful that we're only three hours apart instead of five, or eight.
I am grateful that I got to spend one night in his arms this past weekend.
I am grateful that I got to have sex with him once this past weekend.
I am grateful that he is willing to listen to me when I'm upset.
I am grateful that he is willing to work with me to help me feel more secure.
I am grateful that he loves me.
I am grateful that he wants to make our relationship work.

Agog

2011-08-31T22:20:00.002-05:00

Lady Gaga attended the MTV Awards as her male alter-ego, Jo Calderone. Naturally, this caused quite a stir among the media, which immediately began digging up all the tidbits on the performance (for it was a performance, make no mistake) that they could. Some of the resulting coverage was obviously put out by people not familiar with drag ("OMG! SHE WORE A FAKE PENIS!!!" Uh... it's called packing.) while some of it was pretty interesting.

For example, apparently Jo used the men's restroom. If it's true (I take all celebrity gossip rags with a mountain of salt), it's a neat commentary on how silly gender-segregated bathrooms are in general.

I also found it amusing that she went in drag for her award in the Best Female Video category. I'm positive that was entirely intentional. After all, what is "female", anyway?

I noticed that a lot of the responses to Jo were that the character was "exhausting" and "annoying." The accent certainly was grating after a bit (And the slouching! Stand up, man!), but overall I found the performance entertaining. It hit on the major theme of Gaga's schtick - the idea that she is constantly performing. And I was intrigued that Jo hinted that was not a good thing. (But what is the alternative? We are always performing for someone, even if it is just ourselves.) I also liked that he highlighted the ultra-femininity of Gaga's usual persona, as opposed to, well, him. Some times it seemed like the (probably mostly, if not entirely) cis male backup dancers were dancing more femininely than Jo was. They certainly did more pirouettes, which actually made sense considering they weren't holding microphones.

I'll be interested to see if Jo appears more often in the future. Admittedly, I haven't been keeping up with all things Gaga because her latest album was rather meh, IMO. But I'm sure that the media will get all aflutter again the next time Jo shows up, so I'm bound to hear about it.

Stay sharp

2011-08-26T00:40:00.001-05:00

I'm trying to decide if the infrequency of the kink scenes I can participate in is a good thing or a bad thing.

On the one hand, I'm more sensitive, which means it doesn't take as much to get the same subjective effect.

On the other hand, I can't take as much abuse! It wounds my pride. I also worry that Master gets frustrated if he can't do all the mean things he used to.

So what could I do to keep myself "in practice," as it were? I don't usually go for self-inflicted sadism, but maybe it's worth a shot.

Cost/Benefit

2011-08-19T18:04:00.002-05:00

This is what happens when Master decides to fuck me while I'm updating my blog, and forces me to type what I'm thinking while he does it. He gave me a few prompts on the subject matter. Such as what we'd do if we were with Ume and Gene, and what I liked about being with Furby. And then he made me post it because I'm a bad sub who didn't update her blog on time!

Enjoy!
----------------

Being in a long-distance relationship is tough. I don't think that's news to anyone. It's difficult in a lot of ways:

1) Lack of physical intimacy. No matter what kind of relationship you have - open or closed,;aljkm d bfddddddddddddf;dsflfdsdsfdfsfdsdsfhyfggrf ficn;lka;lksi can'tjoaiw; dsid don't know what tgo tyopeow owow owowoowowowowowowo it feels goootooooi i love ;oyou mastere ikjdkits so deep i can't i don't know what to type it feels good i f ffnon me=y back dkkdkdkdkdkd ofn py back i yses herkdi don' fuck me on my back with you on top please an dhold my face down i'd have them pull nout athe sofaebed and put the air mattress next to it and then jiddid and hand then d we'd jfbli i wnant to watfch you fuk gene i want youj jaj;lralkiouji wnant to watch you fuck her FROM BEHIND!!!!!!!!!!!! nand then i'd have you fuck me as i s;uckeds off ume and athtthaht;se gene would play with you r neuts dk and dkty and then dk and then i would suck you off while gene sat on your face and you would taste her sweet pussy

i like being spanked when I'm bent over the bed with my arms stretched out in front of me and tied down maybe my legs tied down toooooo and then i can't see what master is going to hit me with next

i liked it when i got to taste her pussy because it tasted so sweet and so good and i liked filming you fuck her andtasting her while you fuck me . watching you two vie for control was also fun to watch and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and i liked it when i was tied to the headboar

Death by Snu-Snu!

2011-08-10T21:55:00.003-05:00

Recently I've found myself entranced with the idea of Amazonian women. I think I know what triggered it; I got hooked on the excellent webcomic Drowtales, where Drow women are the dominant gender and typically portrayed as larger and stronger than Drow men, and I also have been reading the excellent comic series Secret Six by Gail Simone, which features Knockout (technically an alien) and several literal Amazons, including the most famous example, Wonder Woman.

As is the case with almost any superhero that's been around for seventy (!!!) years, Wonder Woman's been portrayed in many different ways over the years, and I find myself drawn to a specific version of her: 6+ feet tall (officially she's supposed to be 5'11", but more recent artists have drawn her at about the same height as Superman, who's 6'3"), clearly muscular, and in many ways more of a warrior than either Bats or Supes - namely, in that she is willing to kill if necessary. Her access to magical items, and her resistance to magic, arguably make her even more powerful than Superman; she's probably the only person who could kill him in a straight-up fight (and has come close to doing so)!

I'm not sure if I want to be one of these Amazons or if I want to be with one. I think it's a little of both; the idea of being in the mere presence of such a powerful and commanding person gives me the chills, and at the same time I like to imagine what it would be like to wield that kind of strength and martial prowess. I guess that's the switch in me, wanting to at once dominate and be dominated - for in any of my daydreams and fantasies involving an Amazon, she is never the one being dominated. Amazons, by their very nature, cannot be dominated by anyone (except maybe another Amazon).

Thanks to DnD, I can express my desires to an extent; I recently created a female paladin of St. Cuthbert who's 6'1" and expresses a lot of the traits I associate with the Amazon character: quiet competence, protectiveness (particularly towards other women), and devotion to noble ideals that she tries to temper with pragmatism (though she doesn't always succeed, and sometimes gets too zealous). In fact, right now all the female PCs in this DnD campaign are tanks and heavy hitters, while all the male PCs are squishy rogues and spellcasters! I'm having a lot of fun with it. :)

Another feature of Amazon stories that I like is the exploration of matriarchal societies. Drowtales in particular does a good job of imagining what a militant matriarchal society would be like, though occasionally I can't help but think, "That attitude makes sense only if the character were raised in a patriarchy! Which s/he wasn't!" Maybe this is just a hint that I should try my hand at writing my own.

Square peg, round hole?

2011-08-03T22:35:00.003-05:00

Master and I have reached a meeting of the minds, as it were, with our old friends Ume and Gene, and now we swing together* whenever our schedules allow.

We have a planned rendez-vous later this month, and last night I chatted with Ume about what we'd like to do the next time we meet. Eventually he brought up that, though this month's meeting would be too soon for comfort, sometime in the future he'd be interested in perhaps trying pegging.

I've considered whether I'd like to try pegging before, and I must say that I find the idea a little weird, though not so much that I'm unwilling to try it. However, I'm trying to determine what the source of my disinterest is.

Part of it is that I'm not confident in my ability to avoid hurting Ume - it's the same reason I'm hesitant to anally penetrate anyone, male or female. However, there does seem to be something to woman-on-man penetration that I find mildly off-putting in a way that man-on-man, woman-on-woman, and man-on-woman penetration are not. This makes me think that my discomfort is a result of socialization.

This doesn't quite make sense to me, even though that's where the evidence points; after all, I enjoy fem dom/male sub as much as any other permutation of genders and power dynamics. And even then, penetration doesn't always equate with domination anyway - so why does the specific scenario of a woman penetrating a man cause this reaction?

My frustration with the irrationality of the whole thing makes me more keen on trying it at least once, to see if I can overcome the socialization that I believe is affecting me. However, I think this does raise a larger question: how do we find the balance between owning our sexual preferences and working to undo sexist/racist/whatever conditioning? For example, while it's okay to find, say, Asian women attractive, it's not okay to fetishize them as "exotic" or anything like that. How do we discern what is a genuine and/or benign preference and what is a problematic mindset? (And that doesn't even get into the post-structuralist idea that there is no such thing as "genuine" sexual attraction or gender expression. (Yes, I've been reading Judith Butler lately, how did you guess?))

In any case, as I said, pegging is something I'm willing to try. Maybe once I'm actually performing the act I'll find out it's actually awesome; maybe I'll grow to love it, like I did with spanking. Or maybe I'll just be "meh," but at least I can say I tried it. There are very few sexual practices that I'm willing to dismiss offhand.

*I get the impression that "swinging" as a concept has something of a sour flavor for the poly community in general, but that really is the best way to describe what we do, I think. However, I'll save that for another post.

Maaasturbation!

2011-07-27T23:45:00.002-05:00

Recently I had a conversation with Master that went along these lines:

Master: I'm thinking I'm going to cut back on masturbating. Not stop entirely, but try to restrain myself more.

Me: Oh?

Master: Yeah. I want to limit myself to two times a day.

Me: Two times a day?! How often do you usually do it?!

Master: About six times a day.

Me: SIX TIMES A DAY?!

Master: Yeah, about.

Me: ...Wow. Like, I'm not even upset or anything. I'm just... impressed! Most guys have trouble just getting it up half that number of times! (Or so I hear.)

It's true - I am really impressed. However, it also got me thinking. You see, I haven't really masturbated in... well, months. I used to do it several times a week - sometimes multiple times a day - but for the past several months my desire to jerk off has plummeted.

My sex drive hasn't been affected at all; I still want to fuck Master a good three times a day or so when we're together. But I never get a very strong urge to masturbate anymore; it's nothing more than a vague, "Hmm, wanking might be nice," but the urge is never strong enough to make me do anything about it. I tried wanking last night, but I got distracted by (non-sexually) playing with my lopsided labia (they are quite fun to mess with), and the mood left me.

I'm kind of sad about this. I know that one's sexual desires fluctuate over time and all that, and it's not like I don't want to have sex anymore, but masturbating is fun! I know that it's relaxing, that it helps perk up my mood, and other fun things. I wonder if I should just make a habit of trying to masturbate every day, or something like that, to jump-start my desire again. I've heard that cis women's sex drives are a "use it or lose it" type thing, where the more you are sexual, the more you want to be sexual. Maybe that's my issue. I'll give it a try.

So that's what they were talking about

2011-07-21T00:23:00.002-05:00

I've been pretty lucky since living on my own, as I generally haven't had to deal with the minor terrors that often accompany being a single woman. Not a lot of catcalls, I live in a pretty safe neighborhood, that kind of thing.

But there's a creeper who's been creeping around my apartment building recently, and while he hasn't done anything threatening, his constant presence and his insistence on striking up a conversation is unnerving. He always manages to remind me that I'm a woman, and I'm alone, and therefore I am vulnerable.

I hate it.

Where to turn

2011-07-13T12:55:00.003-05:00

For a series of reasons that I won't get in to, a while ago Master vetoed a guy I was seeing. I ended things with the guy, but I'd still like to be friends with him.

Master has a lot more experience maintaining relationships with exes than I do (mine have all tended to drift out of my life altogether), so I thought I'd ask him for advice and reassurance.

But he got mad as soon as I mentioned the guy, and he shut down the conversation. I don't understand; I thought he said I wouldn't have to cut the guy out of my life entirely, but it seems like I will have to if I don't want to either 1) frequently piss Master off or 2) keep one of my friends "in the closet" all the time.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I love Master utterly and completely, and I'm not going to leave him over this. But it still hurts.

MFMFF

2011-07-06T23:21:00.002-05:00

I participated in my first MFMFF fivesome this weekend with Ume, Gene, Master, and Lupa. It was originally supposed to be a foursome, but we picked up Lupa on the way. :D

It was a lot of fun, even though it was mostly "one guy on this bed, one guy on this bed, ladies switch up occasionally." I suppose that's what'll happen when you have one straight guy and one mostly-straight guy. I kind of wish I had a little more time to fuck Ume, but Master called the safeword and requested we change partners. At first I was worried that I'd somehow done something wrong - had I broken a rule without realizing it? had I done something to trigger jealousy? - but he says he enjoyed the experience, so I suppose I shouldn't fret about it. He's always taken safewords much less... hmmm... seriously? than me. As in, I tend to think (whether rightly or wrongly) that safewords should only be used for "WHOA BACK THE FUCK UP" situations, while he uses them more as in, "time out, I'm breaking character for a sec," such as if I just cracked a joke that made him giggle in a very un-domly matter.

We all agreed that it'd be fun to do again sometime. I hope that winds up happening.

Although I think I'd like to take a more toppy (or at least switchy/combative) role with Ume next time we're together. While I didn't have a problem being subby towards him, it definitely wasn't the same as submitting to Master. Then again, it's likely no one else can replicate the way Master makes me feel.

I'm starting to think that I'm more a straight-up switch, and there's just something about Master that brings out the uber-sub in me.

TIL

2011-07-05T22:18:00.004-05:00

When random strangers are offering spanks with a Bat-signal-shaped riding crop, do NOT say you want to be spanked "very hard" because you don't have any idea what their definition of "very hard" is.

Four days later and I still have a bat-bruise!

Good influence

2011-06-22T21:09:00.002-05:00

Recently I visited Ume and Gene to celebrate their birthday. (They were born on the same day!) When I was regaling a friend of the event later on, I ended the story with, "The events immediately preceding me falling asleep are kinda blurry. And then I woke up in a bed with four other people, and my skirt was missing." I thought it was quite funny.

"...Wow," my friend said. "I don't think I've ever heard someone tell that kind of story as if it were a good thing."

I realized with a start that he was right - in a different context, what I said could be horrifying. But for me it wasn't; it was pretty typical with how parties with my friends ended. In fact, that party was downright chaste compared to what we usually do - I hadn't done anything more than some close dancing, a kiss or two, and clothes-on snuggling while in bed. (I learned soon after the party that Master had helped me out of my skirt because he didn't want me to wrinkle it in my sleep. So thoughtful!)

That level of trust, that kind of casual intimacy, is normal to me, but I forget it's not normal for a lot of people. Which I suppose isn't a bad thing if people don't want to be that physically close to people, but I certainly wouldn't have it any other way. It's the kind of environment where I really came into my own in terms of my sexuality (and other things, for that matter). I'm glad that my friends and I are making a real effort to keep that network of intimacy even as we spread out across the region post-graduation. I don't know how I'd survive without it.

O My

2011-06-15T21:21:00.002-05:00

A bit more on The Story of O, now that I've finished it:

It certainly reads like a French novel, especially with the large amounts of indirect dialogue. ("He asked her if she'd been to see him, and she said she had." etc.) Considering it was first published in 1954, it wasn't nearly as misogynist as I feared it would be. There was still cringe-worthy material, to be sure, such as the descriptions of O's attraction to men vs. women, but the importance of consent featured fairly prominently in the story, and overall I found it a reasonably accurate portrayal of why a sub decides to submit (with some leeway given for the realm of fantasy that the story lives in).

I could also see a lot of similarities between the traditions and lifestyle depicted in the book and traditions practiced today in the kink community: the love of corsets and plush, anachronistic surroundings; the use of masks; even the way the slaves are trained to sit. I wonder, however, if the present-day kink community was influenced by the book, or if the book was describing traditions that already existed. It's something I'd like to look more in to.

It also gave me some ideas of things I'd like to try. For one, I'd like to try bondage with things other than rope. I know leather straps are a bit cliche, but there is definitely an aesthetic appeal there. Getting flogged/cropped on my thighs is also intriguing. Master and I have discussed the idea of whoring me out to other people, but that's not something we'll probably be doing anytime soon.

Words! Mean! Things!

2011-06-08T12:13:00.002-05:00

I've finally gotten around to reading The Story of O. I'm not completely done with it yet, so I won't give a detailed post on my impressions, but I do want to say this:

"Womb" does not mean "vulva" or "vagina."

"Belly" does not mean "vulva" or "vagina."

I understand wanting to use euphemistic language for the genitalia; however, don't use words that are for completely different body parts!

Seriously, what does, "He seized her womb," even mean? I imagine him grabbing her pooch - or, granting that by "womb" the author actually meant "vulva," him tugging at her labia. Neither image is particularly sexy, nor do I suspect that was what the author intended.

Out of time

2011-06-01T21:50:00.002-05:00

In the same way that populations level out once they've reached carrying capacity, I've reached carrying capacity in my romantic population. Though I'd like to find a lady lover in my home town, I simply do not have the time or the energy, especially considering lady-loving ladies are much harder to come by than lady-loving dudes.

But then I feel shitty because it's almost like I'm falling into heterosexuality out of laziness. :(

I just discovered there's a gay bar just a few blocks from my apartment. I should hit it up sometime soon.

How to be pro-choice when the choice isn't yours to make

2011-05-25T21:59:00.002-05:00

Recently I had a conversation with Ume, and later with Master, about the roles, rights, responsibilities that each partner has when dealing with an unexpected pregnancy. They were really refreshing because, even though I disagreed with them on some things, we were always affectionate, respectful, and thoughtful to each other. That rarely happens when talking about anything even tangentially related to abortion.

Anyway, it got me thinking, and here's some things that I think all male-bodied folk can do to be supportive of their female-bodied partners:

DO have a conversation about what to do in the event of unexpected pregnancy. Ideally, do this before an unexpected pregnancy actually happens. But, this is the real world, so that's not always going to happen.
DO listen to everything your partner has to say. Sometimes it's simple as, "I'll get an abortion if I get pregnant." Sometimes it's, "I'll keep it if we've been living together for a year." Sometimes it's, "I don't know what I'd do."
DO decide if your partner's plan is compatible with your plans, values, etc. If there is a fundamental disagreement, it is okay to end the relationship. This is a big issue, and you shouldn't force yourself or your partner to compromise; it's better for both of you to find other people you're more compatible with.
DON'T give your opinion unless your partner asks. Like it or not, abortion and pregnancy can be a very stressful thing. If your partner doesn't identify as a woman, that can compound the issue, considering how tied up pregnancy is with the "ESSENCE OF WOMANHOOD" and all that bullshit. Some people want their partners' input; others do not. Respect what your partner prefers.

Yep, that's about it.

Slutty Ethics

2011-05-19T18:16:00.003-05:00

I finally got around to reading The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy, which Ume and Gene gave to me for Christmas. As it's one of the only books explicitly about ethical non-monogamy available, of course I'd already heard a lot about it. Specifically, I'd already heard one of the biggest criticisms of the book, which is that it places too much emphasis on "owning one's feelings," which leads to people blaming themselves for their partners' legitimately problematic behavior.

I can definitely see where this criticism comes from. However, I don't think it's what the authors intended. (Somewhere, my Literary Criticism professor's hair just stood up on the back of her neck!) When Easton and Hardy talk about owning your feelings, they specifically talk about it in the context of giving yourself agency. When you realize that your feelings are coming from within you and aren't inflicted upon you, you realize that you have options on how to deal with those feelings.

Where Easton and Hardy fell flat, in my opinion, is that they never explicitly said, "One of those options is to end the relationship." They do talk about determining your limits, and they talk about breaking up, and how not every conflict has a happy resolution. However, I think they needed to tie that idea more closely to the idea of owning one's feelings.

Overall, though, I thought the book was very good. While a lot of the "exercises" that it included weren't the most helpful, considering I've been poly for several years, it still had a lot of valuable insight. It did get a little "hippy-dippy" at times, but Easton and Hardy kept their observations pertinent to modern culture. Though I wouldn't go so far as to say every poly person should own this book, it's definitely a good idea to check it out from the library.

I'm coming out

2011-05-07T01:06:00.001-05:00

I have to come out to my parents. Tapeti's graduation is on Memorial Day weekend, and they're going to want a damn good reason why I can't come visit them.

I know that I need to do it, and I know more or less exactly what I'm going to say. I'm also pretty sure they'll take to it all right; Master came out to his mother, who was completely unfazed by it.

I'm still scared out of my mind, though.

Good news, everyone!

2011-04-28T20:37:00.002-05:00

Well, I'm excited! My good friend Ume and his fiancee, Gene*, have been open for a while. They approached Master and me a while back about a possible hook-up, but we were just starting our relationship with Tapeti at the time, so we said "not right now." Then Master and I were talking about it, and we decided to bring it back up with them. And they said yes! Yaaaaay. :D

We still need to hash out the specifics of what/where/when. We don't want to do a straight-up swap; that feels kind of weird. However, I am intrigued by watching a couple have sex and have sex at the same time. The idea of hearing them beside me, of seeing them moving together while I can feel Master moving in me, is incredibly hot.

Also, OMG! Two penises! I've never been able to play with two at the same time before, so that will be fun. I don't think Master and Ume are interested in playing directly with each other, which makes the yaoi fangirl in me shed a single tear, but I still think it'll be fun.

I'm not sure how much Gene will want to play with me; she's mostly straight, AFAIK, which means I might not be able to eat her pussy. Sad day. But I know she's fine with makin' out with ladies, so that's something, at least!

I am so excite.

*Pseudonyms, obviously.

...But not TOO out there.

2011-04-21T22:04:00.003-05:00

I recently read an interview with Lady Gaga (I wouldn't call myself a "little monster," but I do think she does some cool stuff), and something in particular struck me as I was reading it. When the author presses Gaga about her recent subdermal body mods in her face and shoulders, and whether it might inspire her fans to get similar body mods, she says, "It's artistic expression.... It's a performance-art piece. I have never, ever encouraged my fans or anyone to harm themselves, nor do I romanticize masochism.... [M]y fans know me. They would never hurt themselves. And if they have hurt themselves, they come to me and say, 'Gaga, I want to stop, and your music helps me want to stop. Your music makes me want to love myself.' I am in no way promoting sadomasochism or masochism."

...Wait, what?

There's a drastic conflation of three disparate things here: BDSM, body modification, and self harm. The first is about consensual kink, which can manifest in countless ways; the second is about aesthetically altering one's appearance for myriad reasons; the third is about intentionally injuring oneself as a coping mechanism or as a symptom of mental illness. I'm sure there's some amount of overlap in these three populations - some people with tattoos self harm, some kinksters enjoy body mods - but I shouldn't have to point out that these are far from synonymous.

As a self-appointed figurehead/ambassador/idol for all the "monsters" of the world - all the "weirdos" and "freaks" and their myriad subcultures - I would expect Gaga to be aware of this. It's irresponsible of her not to; why would I want to be represented by someone who doesn't even understand me?

Unless she doesn't actually want to reach out to me and my kind at all; maybe, for all her messages of inclusiveness and accepting yourself as you are, there was an implicit "except for you people."

Wouldn't be the first time that's happened.

:/

All eyes turn north

2011-04-16T00:53:00.002-05:00

If you're at all involved in polyamory, you've probably heard about the court case in Canada that challenges its long-held anti-polygamy law on the grounds that it is unconstitutionally broad. They just finished with closing arguments, so perhaps we'll hear a ruling soon.

I think the case made against this law is pretty good. The harmful behavior that it's purportedly trying to prevent - child marriage, abuse, etc. - are already criminalized, so this law is redundant. Similarly, it makes no distinction between an egalitarian polyamorous relationship and an abusive patriarchal one. I'm sure this was intentional; I imagine the law, despite what is claimed now, was designed to prohibit non-monogamy for the sake of being non-monogamy.

It's easy to say non-monogamy is inherently bad when you're using non-secular morality. Can't really argue with, "God says so." However, the only basis for secular morality is the prevention of harm to self and others. And when you genuinely and vigorously apply secular morality to a lot of our laws governing personal behavior, as Canada seems to be doing a much better job of than the U.S., those laws start to fall apart.

I'm currently too cynical to expect the U.S. to develop a true separation of church and state; I don't think it ever existed, thanks to certain segments of the population who are convinced that a Christian theocracy is the only way to... um... actually, I'm not sure what they're trying to do. Win at life, maybe? Anyway, I think it'll be a long time before we are able to critically examine our laws with a truly secular mindset. But who knows. Apparently a slight majority of U.S. citizens support gay marriage now; something I wasn't expecting for a while. And I didn't expect us to elect a non-white president until I was middle-aged at least (though that seemed to be a "one step forward; one hundred steps back" situation). So maybe I can allow myself to be a little optimistic about this.

It works out

2011-04-10T21:21:00.002-05:00

Offbeat Home featured a fun post about how to appropriate the Iron Gym for other kinds of exercise. Master has one of these nifty fellers, and that immediately got me thinking.

-I wouldn't trust this as a swing; it's not meant to be permanent, and it's not meant to, um, swing on.

-I think this could work as a spreader bar, too. Maybe stick one's head through the middle part for a pseudo-yoke thing?

-However, I think having it in the doorway, and then having one's wrists tied to it, would be the best use. Now that neither of us are living in a place with exposed pipework in the ceiling, it's not as easy for Master to string me up, and I miss the sensation. While it didn't involve actual suspension, often times I would feel like I was dangling - like when I wanted to fall over from whatever he was doing, but was forced to remain at least partially erect.

Once Master gets his own place (he's in the process of moving), we'll have to try it out. Or I could get my own Iron Gym - they're quite useful for non-sexual reasons too, I've discovered. :)

Musical

2011-04-04T17:52:00.004-05:00

There are some songs I like that, whether because of the music video or the lyrics or je ne sais quoi, really trigger the kinky side(s) of me when I hear them. While I don't generally have a "soundtrack" or background music of any sort when I scene (or if I do, it's not chosen specifically to get me in the "kinky" mood), I do enjoy the subby or dommy feelings that these songs elicit when I'm in the car, or at work, or anywhere that I happen to hear them. It's a way to indulge my kinkiness anywhere I please without getting arrested! :D

First, let's get the obvious one out of the way: Rihanna's "S&M"

Yeah, I know this one's almost too easy. I haven't really looked at how the kink community responded to this song, so I don't know what kind of critiques it's faced. (Though I'd be interested to read them, if anyone would be so kind as to point me in the right direction.) I imagine the most obvious is the usual "appropriating kink just for shock value/sales," but for some reason I feel this isn't the case (as much as it usually is, anyway).

This video discards most of the kink stereotypes - there isn't a black leather catsuit to be seen! - and has several kinks featured that are generally ignored outside the scene, like mummification in plastic wrap. And that's why I like this video. It feels more like how I actually experience kink much of the time - bright and fun and chaotic and goofy. None of that gloomy dungeons-and-leather stuff. (Not that there's anything wrong with that! I'm just usually not in the mood for it.)

It also hits on several specific kinks of mine: shibari, mummification, petplay, flogging, and being put on display. (Not sure if that counts as exhibitionism? It has a different feel to it than what I associate with the term.)

Also, I'd be topped by Rihanna. Any day.

Next up: Katy Perry's "E.T."

There's a lot to criticize about Katy Perry - I am incredibly ambivalent and uncomfortable about her (in?)famous "I Kissed A Girl" for reasons that deserve their own post - but this song and video only make me go, "OMG YES YES WANT."

This one's interesting because it throws my fetishes at odds with each other, kind of, but in a neat way. I'm very turned on by the idea of abduction by an alien creature, so when I see Katy Perry's alien (OMG THOSE EYES *SWOONS*) I want to be dominated by it/her. Yet it's the alien who's singing about being dominated. (by a human?) So I simultaneously empathize with the alien and am objectifying it.

The mixture of both death and life imagery, and tying both in with sexual ecstasy, is also very appealing to me because, on those occasions where I'm not in the mood for happy-bubbly-funtimes kink, I feel kink is a way to explore existential issues. Pain is also pleasure; life is also death. (Le petit mort, anyone?) These contradictory concepts are part of what makes kink appealing.

Also, human-animal hybrids! YUM!

Next: Lady GaGa's "Teeth"

This one also arouses contradictory feelings in me, in that it appeals to both my dommy and my subby side. On the one hand, GaGa sings about "[loving] you with my hands tied," says "my religion is you," and entreats the listener to "take a bite of my bad girl meat," and "show me your fangs," which suggests she's bottoming to an aggressive creature - something I empathize with, of course.

On the other hand, she commands, "Open your mouth, boy," and reassures him, "Don't be scared; I've done this before." Indeed, the oft-repeated imperative, "Show me your teeth," is pretty dommy - think of how vulnerable we all are when we're lying in the dentist's chair! It invokes the image of GaGa (or me >:3) leering over a helpless man* strapped to a chair, one hand forcing his mouth open for inspection, like a horse at a market.

I'm a little hesitant to post this last one, but for the sake of being honest: Kanye West's "Monster" (TRIGGER WARNING: Graphic depictions of violence against women.)

I first saw this video on Feministing in a post taking him to task for the shockingly violent imagery he has in this video. I think the poster has a good point that the narrative of white women are victims/black women are animals (and black men love to rape/kill white women) is incredibly problematic and not nearly as "edgy" or "avant-garde" as I'm sure Kanye was hoping to be.

And yet... I love werewolves. I love seeing "masculine" werewolf traits expressed in women, especially, and I'm fascinated by the monstrous in general. Plus the dualism of Nikki Minaj's scene, where she torments herself, really plays with my switchiness (Do I empathize with the top or bottom? Is she top or bottom? Both!) - and those fangs! *fans self* And the scene where Kanye is being grabbed by the dozens of hands, and you can tell that he's enjoying it even as they nearly overpower him... mm-mmm.

What songs or music videos appeal to your kinky side?

*Interestingly, my dommy fantasies are almost exclusively about dominating men, while I fantasize about subbing to men and women about equally; to make it more complicated, in practice I've almost never topped a man - only women.

A loss

2011-03-31T19:31:00.002-05:00

What do you do when someone you love does something you think is wrong?

What do you do when he doesn't seem to care about what you think, or what you feel?

What do you do when his behavior is so uncharacteristic of him that it's frightening?

What do you do when you can't find any way to bridge the rift between you?

What do you do?

Hard

2011-03-26T20:06:00.003-05:00

Tapeti has a fetish that is a hard limit of mine.

It's not a fetish that she wants to inflict upon me, so we're not going to run into troubles there. However, I was very surprised when she expressed her desire for it; even though I understand that there are lots of people with desires that are starkly different from mine, for some reason I still expect everyone I'm sexual with to be perfectly compatible in every way.

I'm not sure why I feel this way - even Master, who's probably the most compatible of my partners ever (most likely because I basically discovered my sexuality through him, so I "imprinted"), has some fetishes that I'm not so keen on, and I have some that he's not into. It's not a big deal, so maybe that's why I'm always surprised; I forget that those differences exist because they don't have any negative impact on my relationship.

Where we are

2011-03-18T17:11:00.000-05:00

My homework assignment is to take this diagram of nonmonogamy and figure out 1) where Master, Tapeti and I are on it, and 2) where I'm afraid of us going. So what I don't want. I marked where we are with a happy face and where I don't want to be with a saddie face. Whereas there wasn't really a quote-example for where we are - Open-poly-kinky-casual sex - the quote for where I'm afraid of going is in Unicorn Polyamory: "My husband allows me to have another girlfriend, but I am not allowed to have another man."

My fear goes gender-reversed, too - that I would have a girlfriend who doesn't want me to date any other women, only men. It would be le sad.

ಠ_ಠ

2011-03-17T21:25:00.003-05:00

You know what's funny? Funny as in "HahahaNO." When conservative Christians get all up in arms about porn because it degrades women.

I mean, really?

Really?

I mean, it's not like there aren't valid critiques to be made about the porn industry. There are plenty! A lot of porn reifies sexist or racist tropes, and there isn't as much diversity among actors in terms of body type, age, etc. as I'd like. But when I point out things that would actually help, such as improving sex ed (so people learn earlier on that porn sex is not like everyday sex), destigmatizing sex work so that it's easier to expose and prosecute abuse of workers, and supporting feminist-friendly producers, it gets drowned out in cries of, "OMG! Porn causes divorce! It turns men into addicted, sex-crazed maniacs!"

And then I keep digging, trying to suss out critiques of the industry from critiques of porn as a media, and it turns out it really all boils down to, "The Bible says looking at naked people is bad!"

ಠ_ಠ

I mean, I can understand if someone said, "I feel like I'm betraying my partner when I watch other people have sex, so I don't watch porn." I'd also understand if someone said, "I really feel uncomfortable with my partner looking at porn." That's totally legitimate - sex and body image and everything is complex and highly personal.

But appropriating feminist language to hide your attempts at imposing religious doctrine on everyone - especially when, besides for the porn issue, you don't give a flying fuck about feminism and actively attempt to subjugate women with all that, "Women must be subordinate to their husbands, men are meant to protect women, oh and PS if you get raped you have no say over what happens to your body and you probably deserved it anyway YOU SLUT WHY DID YOU WEAR THAT SHIRT IF YOU DIDN'T WANT IT," FUCKING BULLSHIT -

It pisses me off a little bit.

Spring cleaning

2011-03-10T19:40:00.005-06:00

I updated my dramatis personae page. Master was right - it was horribly out of date! I hadn't realized how much time has passed.

Recently I done goofed. I tried introducing Master and Pineapple, and while it wasn't a complete disaster it was definitely awkward, which made me feel dumb. I also forgot to tell Tapeti about Pineapple, which was a violation of our rules. :/ I haven't even had the "what do we want out of our relationship" talk with Pineapple yet. I could be cute and blame this on NRE, but the truth is I fucked up. *sigh*

Well, lesson learned, hopefully.

And, on a completely random (and much more cheerful) note, I am very pleased that the men I hang out with are just as "I'm straight but I'm gonna make out with someone of the same gender just for the hell of it" as women are.

(Also, WTF Blogger why are you mangling my HTML?)

HA HA DISREGARD THAT I SUCK COCKS

2011-03-03T23:13:00.003-06:00

Literally.

Apparently I don't need to worry about sexual compatibility as long as I stick to people in my DnD groups. No, seriously - all the people from my DnD groups (college and here) whom I've been sexual with I had great chemistry with. Mostly because they've all been at least moderately kinky.

But I should back up a bit first.

Last night I finally got the chance to go out with a guy from my DnD group, whom I shall call Pineapple. We get along really well; he (and everyone else in the party) reminds me very strongly of my college friends, and when we're hanging out it almost feels like I'm back in school - in the best way possible.

Pineapple and I were rather drunk from having spent time at the bar (we walked back to my apartment, so no worries there), and we were watching funny videos on Youtube - actually, we were only half paying attention because we were having too much fun talking - when suddenly we start making out and BAM! my clothes are gone.

Fortunately I had the presence of mind to tell him at some point (can't remember when, exactly) that I wasn't having any PIV or PIA sex that night, and he had the presence of mind to respect that. We still had a hell of a lot of fun biting and scratching the shit out of each other; it was almost like a wrestling match interspersed with kisses (which usually turned into bites). Perhaps it was because I was still frustrated from my experience with The Italian, but I was definitely more aggressive than normal, as in I (unintentionally) drew blood and swore a blue streak at him whenever he held me down.

It was fun.

On the downside, now I look like I got into a fight; all I'm missing is a black eye. I definitely feel like I got in a fight, too - so sore! None of my coworkers asked questions, thank goodness. I'll have to tone it down in the future. Or invest in turtlenecks.

Convergent Evolution

2011-03-02T18:01:00.004-06:00

I've been going on a few dates with a guy (whom I shall call The Italian). Recently we fooled around (first time I've done that with someone not from college), and it threw into stark relief that what I'm used to is not necessarily "normal" (or at least common).

He was frustratingly vanilla, for one thing. At this point, my first reaction when I get excited is to bite. Hard. While he didn't freak out or anything, he did make it clear that wasn't his bag. And he's ticklish, which means I can't caress him where/how I normally caress people. So what the hell am I supposed to do? Plain ol' making out for 15 or 30 minutes straight is boring. :/

Also he didn't bite me much, and when he did it wasn't nearly hard enough (despite my encouraging). He handled my tits way too gently, and he didn't pull my hair for long enough or hard enough. This left me feeling frustrated.

In the past, when I've sensed that my partner wasn't going to dominate me, I'd turn the tables and start getting aggressive. (Like many animals, I can sense weakness. >:3) But, for reasons mentioned above, I couldn't really express any domliness I was feeling. So there wasn't really any power dynamic going at all; it was just some wishy-washy blob.

Maybe if I'd been intimate with more people before my discovery of kink, this would be more familiar to me. But Master was the first person I ever had sex with, and by some stroke of luck all my friends in college (or at least all the ones I wound up having sex with) are kinky to some degree. So that's basically all I know, and I know that's shaped my desires. I imagine it's gone something like this:

1) I have a vague, undefined interest in kink.
2) I love/trust the people I'm with, so I try it with them.
3) Any enjoyment I get intrinsically from kink is reinforced/amplified by my positive feelings for my partners.
4) Because I enjoyed it, I do it more.
5) My enjoyment is once again reinforced/amplified by my partners.
6) Repeat steps 4 and 5.

If I were in a different environment when I first started having sex, I imagine my sexuality would have evolved differently. And now I am in a different environment, and I'm finding myself ill-adapted to it. I can't just assume that everyone I make out with is into leaving bruises.

So now I'm starting to wonder if I should, like, screen for kinkiness when meeting potential dates. Because I'm pretty certain that plain vanilla stuff isn't going to do it for me anymore, and while The Italian is an awesome guy and all, if we're not going to click sexually then I don't know what I should do. :/

(Also: His dick was definitely not the size/shape/etc. that I'm used to. I am suddenly apprehensive about having sex with men other than Master because I had forgotten that he's not typical in that department and I'm worried I won't enjoy anything other than his penis profile.)

IAMA

2011-02-24T00:46:00.002-06:00

Master wants me to pick three questions from this IAMA on Reddit to answer, so here I go!

1) Re: the dynamic between those in the "pre-established" relationship and the "new" relationship - there definitely is a difference, and it's one that is still jarring to me at times. There are no "rules" for this kind of dynamic (at least none that are common knowledge), so when I try to fit my reality to the standards society gives me it often doesn't fit. And then I wonder if something is wrong, but there's no real reason to think that other than that my relationship doesn't fit others' expectations.

2) A couple people brought up extended family, and I have to admit that I'm considering coming out to my family. I haaaate hate hate hate it when I have to refer to Tapeti as my "friend" when talking to them, or when I have to consciously omit her from retellings of my weekends. It leaves a sour taste in my mouth. But I think I need to talk to her and Master about it more first.

3) Sleeping arrangements - I'm honestly thinking about getting a bigger bed! Until then, though, I'll just retreat to my kitty corner when I need alone time.

Differentiation

2011-02-17T22:42:00.003-06:00

Master and Tapeti came to visit for V-Day! It was super-exciting; I got the most play I've had in a good long time, and we got to try new things too.

First Master blindfolded me, and I had to guess whether he or Tapeti was using the crop on me. I guessed right. :) Then Tapeti and I switched places, and she was able to guess correctly, too. In the final game, Master was blindfolded, and he had to taste both our pussies and guess which was with.

Someone - I can't remember who - suggested tying Master's hands so he couldn't grab us, which might clue him in (Tapeti and I have rather different body types). I sort of ran with the idea and came up with a rather clever (if I may say so) way to tie Master's arms spread-eagle on the bed.

I've come to realize I really like the aesthetic of a man with his arms spread-eagle like that. I think it's because it shows off his chest and shoulders, which are the parts I like most and find the most masculine, yet he is simultaneously very vulnerable. I like the juxtaposition, the tension, of two normally exclusive traits.

Even after Master guessed correctly (despite our best efforts to stay silent, he could distinguish us by the sounds we made), we didn't untie/unblindfold him right away. Instead we teased him, went down on him, etc. It was funny how hungry he was - lunging up when he thought we were in kissing distance, straining against the ropes, and so on. I made a point of staying out of his reach; I got a mischievous pleasure out of it, knowing that normally I wouldn't be allowed to get away with it. And when we finally loosed him! It was amazing.

I think that, while I'm not really big on domming, I do enjoy topping, in a bratty, teasing kind of way.

Update!

2011-02-09T00:18:00.000-06:00

I am updating my blog! I miss my sweeties!

Corrupting the innocent

2011-01-30T23:10:00.002-06:00

I'm debating whether to invite a guy that I've been hanging out to play with me. On the one hand, I'm not sure if he's into it. Also, we haven't even kissed - just played video games and had drinks together. On the other hand, I want to get tied up, dammit.

Argh!

Toughen up

2011-01-23T13:08:00.002-06:00

I visited Master this weekend, and I. Am. SORE. :(

I have the impression that I'm not able to take as much "abuse" as I used to, when we were playing on a regular basis. He can't spank me for as hard or as long before I've reached my limit, and I get sore from sex more easily.

Or so it seems to me. Maybe I'm just conveniently forgetting the soreness of times past in the fog of nostalgia.

In any case, I'd still like to work up my endurance to withstand spanking, flogging, etc more. Now that we live relatively close together we can play more often, which I think will help. I think just getting in better physical shape in general will help, too. (I'm going to try exercising more regularly - Master's orders! :D) I suppose finding people to play with regularly in my city would help too, but I'm kind of hesitant to join up in the scene there. No particular reason - I'm just shy. But I am meeting people who are probably kink-friendly, so there's promise that I'll find people. WE'LL SEE.

Kinky geek, geeky kink

2011-01-16T22:29:00.005-06:00

This weekend I had a surprise visit from Master, who convinced me to go on a spontaneous road trip to see Tapeti. While at first I wasn't keen on driving that far only to spend a day there, it was definitely worth it.

We came up with a new position! Well, it's more like a variation on an existing one. Master fucks me from behind, while Tapeti is beneath me, and she wraps her legs around my waist. Then Master can grab her legs and use them as leverage to fuck me. We all loved it; next time we're together, Tapeti and I will have to switch places to see what that's like.

I also got some nice, good spankings in, as well as some domination. Master got pretty creative - I liked it a lot. ^_^ He tied me up with some LAN cables and whipped me for a bit with one (without the hard ends that you plug into things), though that was too harsh for me, generally. I think I'd need a lot more preparation to enjoy it.

He also made me live-blog having sex with him, kind of. We were snuggling, and I wanted to have sexy-time, but he insisted that I update this blog. I protested a bit, but it was no use, so I got my laptop and started typing. As I struggled to come up with something to write about, he knelt next to me and started touching himself. Naturally, I was distracted by this, but he ordered me to keep typing - even when he grabbed my head and made me start sucking him off, and then when he started fucking me. He ordered me to type what I was thinking and feeling while he did it.

I'm not going to post exactly what I typed; it was too racy and embarrassing even for this sex blog, and it'd be mostly incomprehensible anyway since my spelling, understandably, went flying out the window. Master read it out loud to me afterward, though, which added another layer of domination to it, since he was reading my very thoughts - and it was a little bit embarrassing, but not in the bad way.

However, I think it'd be fun to find more creative ways to involve technology with kink. Live blogging sex is one way; I think doing something with video games would also be interesting (and not just the kink games you can find online). Maybe whoever wins a round in a video game gets to be the top for that evening? That's almost too easy, though; I'm sure there are more creative ways to go about video game kinkiness. Then again, I'm a huge geek, so of course I would find that fun.

New year, new stuff.

2011-01-09T13:26:00.003-06:00

Master, Tapeti and I finally got to get together as a triple. We had a nice talk about what we wanted our rules of our relationship to be, since our situation has obviously changed a lot since we were first together. I updated my old rules post to reflect our new guidelines.

I went on a date a few days ago, kind of. Actually, I'm not sure if it was a date, which I suppose could be problematic, but I've never really done the grown-up dating scene before. We just had a few beers, played go, and talked a lot. The guy actually went to college with my best friend from high school - what are the odds? In any case, at least OKCupid is helping me find cool friends.

I haven't been tied up and beaten in too long. :( We never seem to get around to it when Tapeti or Master visits. We're too caught up in SEX SEX SEX NAO!!! to pause to grab the rope. At the time I don't mind, obviously, but afterwards I realize, oh, I never got to do [kinky thing I wanted to do]. And then I am sad-face.

Spreading my wings

2010-12-25T18:23:00.003-06:00

I made a profile for OKCupid last weekend, at the prompting of Tapeti. She said it'd be a great way to find friends, and it seems she was right - I've already found some people to play DnD with, and someone else to play Go with. Woot!

It's really weird though - I mean, I didn't just make a profile to find friends. I also kinda want to find dates. I don't see Master or Tapeti nearly enough to satiate my desire for romancing, and since I'm already in a nonmonogamous relationship I might as well do something about it!

But I still feel almost guilty about it. I think it's because up until now, none of us has actively gone looking for dates on our own. (At least, not that I'm aware of.) So it feels like I'm crossing a new threshold, and I'm not sure I'm "allowed" to. Of course, I know that Master and Tapeti are okay with it, but I still can't shake that self-policing aspect of myself. I guess I haven't fully discarded that mono-normative socialization yet. Maybe this will help me.

teh analz

2010-12-16T21:02:00.003-06:00

Master and I have experimented with anal play in the past. It was easier when we lived on the same campus, since we saw each other all the time and could work on it regularly. But then he graduated, and both of us bounced around the country (or the world, in his case) for a while, which isn't conducive to a regimen of any kind - especially a sexual one.

But now we've both settled down, at least for the medium-term, and so it's time to start once again. It's a little bit trickier since we're still in separate cities (albeit only 3 hours apart), but it was an obstacle easily overcome with TECHNOLOGY! I.e. silicone.

I found an awesome feminist sex shop in town and went to them for guidance. It was there I learned that anal training isn't about "stretching" anything - it's not even about getting used to something of that size up your butt. Instead, the goal is simply to become more aware of your muscles and to learn how to consciously relax them. I was glad to learn this, since the Master's-penis-sized toys they had available were a lot scarier (and pricier) than the smaller ones. I ended up purchasing one that's somewhat larger than an average man's middle finger, and in a very pleasant purple that matches the very first dildo I ever bought.

I wasn't expecting to accommodate the entire toy on my first try, but I did it with much greater ease than I ever managed when Master played with my ass. I think it's a combination of being more relaxed on my own - no performance anxiety! - and I was already somewhat used to the sensations. When I was with Master this past weekend, however, I started tensing up again, and it wasn't as easy. I'm also not able to handle any in-and-out motion yet. But I'll keep working on it!

Anal wouldn't be nearly as pleasurable if I weren't a masochist, I think. That isn't to say it hurts - I'm so paranoid about damaging something sensitive and important that the slightest hint of pain signals game over for me. However, it definitely isn't pleasurable in the same way that vaginal sex is. It's intense. I kind of want to compare it to a deep-tissue massage. And as a masochist I think I tend to interpret more kinds of stimulation as "pleasurable" than the average Jane, and I'm more open to incorporating them in sexual contexts.

Nevertheless, I'm glad that Master doesn't fixate on anal as some sort of sexual "holy grail" in the way that some guys seem to. He describes it as "Dominant icing on the cake of sex," which I think is a great way of looking at it. It's a lovely treat, but it's not the be-all-end-all, which means he doesn't get frustrated when I can't take him in my ass - something that happens quite often, since I still need to work on getting over that performance anxiety.

He mentioned he might get me a butt plug with a kitty tail on it. That would be awesome. :3

I am an artiste

2010-12-03T21:43:00.005-06:00

Check out this super-hot drawing I did of me, Master, and Tapeti.

Aw yeah. So hot.

I heart the internet. (All links NSFW)

2010-11-28T20:49:00.004-06:00

I just started reading a webcomic called Menage a 3. I'm really enjoying it, especially the character Zee, as she is very much like I am/would like to be: unabashedly (bi)sexual, yaoi fangirl, enjoys porn of various types while still being critical of their shortcomings, and mistaken for a boy more often than she'd like. And she hates J-Pop. There are some bits that I didn't like, though. For example, taking naked pictures of someone without their knowledge is most definitely Not Cool. I'm still working through to the most recent strip, so we'll see how it turns out. Hilarious nerdy/sexy hijinks have abounded so far, though.

Secondly, Master is having me watch an instructional video about FMF threesomes by Nina Hartley. I'm recording my reactions to the video here as I watch it:

- When Nina says that porn is a reflection of people's actual fantasies, I think that's only partly true. I mean, obviously real people are making the porno, and they're probably basing it off their own fantasies (and the fantasies of people they know), but I'd argue that porno influences people's fantasies as much as the other way around. For example, there are positions that are used in porn because they allow good camera angles that are rather uncomfortable (or just meh) in terms of actual pleasure. I would also point to the prevalence of shaved pussies and money shots as trends that originated in porn and have since influenced real people's behavior.

- However, Nina is spot-on when she says that bringing a third person into the bedroom only to please your partner is a recipe for disaster, regardless of the genders involved. That's one of the reasons why we haven't had a MFM threesome yet; Master's straight (or at least he hasn't found a guy he'd like to have sex with yet), and so he wouldn't really enjoy having another guy there. And if he isn't enjoying himself, I'm not enjoying myself, so it would be bad news all around.

- Nina is also very insightful when she says that, in a perfect world, women wouldn't need the reassuring presence of a man to explore her same-sex attraction, but, because we live in the society that we do, a three-way is often the only way an otherwise-straight woman will be with a woman.

- Oh wow! She brought up the fact that female bisexuality is more prevalent/more accepted than male bisexuality because of the male gaze! And she advocates mutual enthusiastic consent! I like this lady!

- I feel kind of weird when she brings up that you should get to know the third partner before doing anything because Master and I kind of... didn't with Tapeti. We knew her for less than 24 hours before we had sex for the first time, and it's become a relationship that's lasted for over a year now. I suppose we're the exception to the rule.

- The demonstration with Nicole and Voodoo is very silly and goofy, like actual sex. You can tell they're not just following a script.

- Yay spanking! :D

- Master, Tapeti, and I tried the oral sex triangle (I don't know that position's "official" name), and it didn't really work out. Our proportions were too different for it to be comfortable. Though now that I'm watching them do it, maybe we should try again. With some better positioning maybe we'll be able to pull it off.

- Dammit, cameraman, I've seen heterosexual fellatio before! Zoom out so I can see what the third person is doing!

- I've seen other porn actors lightly tap the woman's pussy before, but I don't think I've ever had it done on me. I don't imagine it'd feel awesome, but I suppose I should give it a try first.

-I like that they ask/tell each other what they enjoy. Their conversation in general is really fun.

- OH GOD DON'T SLAP HIM THERE! (Though he apparently likes it, so... carry on, then.)

- Hahaha, I like how the guy randomly espouses the advantages of being uncut while he's got two ladies going down on him - and you'd never tell from his tone of voice, it's so calm and conversational.

- Hmm, one ball per lady while the guy jerks himself off. Might lead to some bumped noses, but it looks intriguing. I do greatly enjoy playing with balls.

- I'm also glad they don't completely edit out them putting on a condom and applying lube. Since porn is many people's first exposure to what sex is, it's good to establish that, yes, safety/comfort measures are a normal part of sex, too.

-The first position they fuck in is great for access to the lady's clit (by all parties) and good for voyeurism. However, I'll be the involved lady's legs would get tired really fast.

- God, I LOVE guiding Master's cock into Tapeti. LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT.

- Oh man, spanking in time to fucking? GENIUS!

- Damn, Nina's in really good shape! I don't think I'd be able to hold that pose for as long as she does.

- Ah, the good ol' Napoleon's Hat. Always a good choice! Though I'm always afraid that my butthole will be all smelly when I'm the one receiving oral.

- Wow, Nicole gets a real rip-roaring orgasm when Nina uses the vibrator. I can sympathize - it's one of those "my clit is being so stimulated that I need to pull away/shield myself even though it's good stimulation" orgasms.

I stopped watching after the first demo - Master said the second one wasn't as good, and it's a looooong video. Overall, though, I was really pleased and impressed with it. It felt much more genuine than you usually find in porn; the fact that Nicole and Voodoo are actually wife and husband probably helped. They seemed pleasure-centered and spontaneous instead of scripted, and it was educational to boot. I'll have to look up more of Nina Hartley's work.

(PS, Is it bad if I automatically want to type "Nina Harker," as in the character from Dracula?)

Hnngggg

2010-11-18T22:53:00.002-06:00

I finally have internet in my apartment. Though I don't really have anything of note to update about because I'm living alone and haven't yet figured out where all the kinky people are living in my city. It is very sad. :(

Tip on the tightrope

2010-10-20T22:39:00.003-05:00

I'm trying to determine how "out" I should be at my work. It is by all measures a very relaxed, casual, welcoming place - it feels more like another college than a corporation - but with the lack of ENDA I'm still nervous.

My bisexuality probably won't be an issue - there are some very out gays and lesbians on staff, and sexual orientation is explicitly written into the company's anti-discrimination policies - but my non-monogamy and my kinkiness might be. Those generally don't count as "sexual orientation" (something I don't mind too much, since I personally don't conceive my poly-ness or kinkiness as orientational, at least not in the same way as bisexuality), which means theoretically I could get fired for them and not have a case.

I've been testing the waters, so to speak. I casually mentioned "my girlfriend" in a conversation with fellow new hires who I'm pretty sure had already heard me talk about "my boyfriend." They didn't seem to notice. Today I wore one of my "casual" collars to work; we have no dress code to speak of, except when we're meeting with customers, and I've felt out the general atmosphere enough that I think that I'll be okay as long as I'm not wearing anything with leather and/or spikes. Low key all the way. Even though I hate being in the closet, I hate being unemployed even more.

Off the grid

2010-10-12T20:26:00.002-05:00

I just got a new job, which necessitated moving to a new home in a new city in a new state. Hence the scarcity of my posts recently.

Also, I don't have internet in my apartment yet. And for obvious reasons I'm loath to post from my office computer. Right now I'm at the local pub.

In any case, I haven't even had the time yet to get to know my new city's kink scene. I know for a fact it exists - I just need to find it. But I've been too busy with moving, then with my new job, and now I've got all sorts of issues that still need sorting out.

I did go to a newbie munch in Master's hometown last weekend, which was nice. The crowd was much older than I'm used to, though. Hopefully there's an under-35 or somesuch group in my town. No offense to older kinksters - I just tend to be more comfortable and have more in common with young'ns like me.

Lately it seems I've been hearing more and more public derision and condemnation and plain ol' bigotry against kink and poly folk. Not just in conversations around me, either - I'm talking on TV, on the radio, in print. A recent example would be a DJ, when talking about rumors that some celebrity couple or another has an open marriage, saying, "That's not marriage; that's gross." It hurts every time. It's not like when I hear homophobic bullshit; then I just roll my eyes and write the spewer off as an ass, and I know that the majority of America would agree with me - they're just a lot quieter than the very loud, very bigoted minority. But I don't know that about kink and poly. So I still feel very small and alone and unwanted when it comes to that.

Seeing red

2010-09-29T12:06:00.004-05:00

A woman recently got arrested in my state for operating a dungeon. Well, the reason is "suspicion of prostitution," though my guess is that she wasn't having "actual sex" (as defined by anti-prostitution laws) with her clients; she stated as much on her website. Not that that stopped cops from busting her, of course.

Pretty much everything about the newspaper article pissed me right the fuck off. The breathless, "isn't this naughty?" tone, the suspiciously detailed description of what the cops confiscated from her property, and - most of all - a quote from a woman who lived nearby: "I worry about what kind of people she was bringing into the neighborhood."

FUCK YOU, LADY.

She was "bringing in" people JUST LIKE YOU - parents, suburbanites, people who have normal jobs and normal homes and normal families. Yet somehow having sex in a different way makes them "dangerous." Fuck. There are few times when I want to just clock someone; this is one of those times.

Normally when I read something in the paper that pisses me off, I bust out my English Major skillz and channel my rage into an eloquent letter to the editor. It normally works - I've even been published in the paper a couple times. But I can't do that this time; I'd be effectively outing myself to the entire metro area. And, as this recent incident has proven, there are definite negative repercussions to being outed as a kinkster.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

And don't even get me started on how stupid anti-sex work laws are in the first place!

I hate society.

Lapse

2010-09-22T14:42:00.004-05:00

Goodness, it's been a while since I posted here. Shame on me!

I acquired a set of nipple clamps on my most recent trip to visit Master. I haven't tried them yet - we didn't get the opportunity to before I left. I'm tempted to take them out and try them on, perhaps take a few pics and send them to Master and Tapeti, but it just feels weird to do kinky stuff to myself. It's like tickling oneself; it just doesn't work.

Logically, that doesn't make a whole lot of sense - I mean, I have no issues whatsoever with having sex by myself. Hell, I go stir-crazy without it! Yet even though I go similarly stir-crazy when deprived of kink, I can't do the kink equivalent of masturbation. It just does nothing for me. Woe!

Anyway, back to the visit with Master. He did a great predicament bondage - he ran a line of clothespins down either side of my tits and tied the line off at my collar, so if I thrashed my head around too much while he was smacking me (which I am wont to do), I'd accidentally unzip myself. That was genius. However, he accidentally hit my pussy while flogging me (I was in a position where it was pretty exposed), and that really hurt. :( Pussy torture is not something I like. It definitely crosses into "OH GOD SOMETHING IS SERIOUSLY WRONG" hurting.

I get to see both Master and Tapeti in just a few weeks. Joy!

Doing the math

2010-08-24T21:17:00.002-05:00

I recently wondered: all the people who, whether they admit it or not, think that penis size is important in how well a penis-owner performs sexually... do they realize that vagina-owners often masturbate with their fingers? Which are not nearly as long or as girthy as penises? And they get off just fine, thank you?

I wonder if that is related to the "women don't actually masturbate!" thing. (Because trans guys don't exist, amirite. -_-)

Priorities

2010-08-21T13:53:00.002-05:00

One question I have yet to answer is how important a kink community is for me. I'm currently considering the possibility of spending a year in an isolated area for a job opportunity; while in many ways the place is similar to where I went to college, the one big difference is that there's not really a kinky group to speak of. (Then again, my college was very unique in that it had a burgeoning community despite its small size.) In fact, there's exactly one other kinky person that I know of.

On the one hand, kink is very important to me. I don't think I could ever have a long-term romantic relationship/sexual relationship without it, and I greatly enjoy and appreciate having like-minded people to talk to about it - and possibly indulge in some play with. I like their support, and I like having that outlet for my desires.

On the other hand, this is a pretty good job. It doesn't pay well, but it'll look good on my resume and it's good experience for future endeavors. And there's at least a kinky person, and s/he and I get along quite well.

I don't know. I don't have to make a decision just yet. I think I'll return to my home city first, to put things in perspective. Also to discuss things with my partners in person. It's a little hard over the phone in such a spotty reception area.

X-posted: Enlightenment at the end of a scourge

2010-08-14T19:48:00.001-05:00

I am currently reading the 10th Anniversary Edition of The Spiral Dance: A Rebirth of the Ancient Religion of the Great Goddess by Starhawk. I'm somewhat chagrined to say that this is the first time I've read anything by her, considering her importance in the pagan and ecofeminist movements. I will admit that I've been avoiding Starhawk up until now because of her prolific nature; it seemed everywhere I turned I saw her books with their slick, trendy covers, and I figured she was one of those commercial hacks, like that Sylvia Brown "psychic" woman.

Shame on me for assuming.

Though the edition I'm reading is twenty years old (and the original publication even older), I have found an emotional and intellectual resonance with Starhawk's writing that is unlike anything else I've encountered. I knew, as a queer woman and a feminist, that I did not like the heterosexist, cissexist bent of a lot of pagan ideology, with its focus on the Divine Polarity/Union of the Goddess and the God. However, I did not know how to adequately conceive of an alternative; Starhawk has eloquently provided one for me, one that made me grin with joy when I read it.

In fact, that seems to have been my reaction to a lot of what I've read so far. This is the first time I've seen religion and feminism thoroughly and intrinsically integrated, which is something that I've wanted for a long time.

And then I read this:

In Witchcraft, love is never associated with actual physical violence, and nothing could be more antithetical to the spirit of the Craft than the current rash of violent pornography. The God does not perpetrate acts of sadomasochism on the Goddess or preach to Her the "power of sexual surrender." (114)

...Oh.

I had thought that finally - finally! - I had found the key that would unite my spirituality, my sexuality, and my politics into one cohesive whole - a unifying theory, as it were. And Starhawk's book came so close, so so close, to doing that for me.

But apparently the most fulfilling form of sexual expression for me is not right - is "antithetical to the spirit of the Craft." Just like I've been told that it is antithetical to feminism, to being a healthy member of society, to just about everything I'm supposed to be and think and am.

This isn't going to make me give up on the Craft - in the same way that reading anti-kink screeds from certain feminists isn't going to make me give up feminism. I'm cutting Starhawk some slack, since I like most of the rest of her writing and this was written during the height of the polarizing Sex Wars anyway. Hopefully her views have changed since then; I find it hard to believe that she could maintain the views she espouses in the book and still be against kink without a decent amount of cognitive dissonance.

Now, it's true that I don't need to find validation in the writings of others for my sexuality/spirituality/politics. Obviously I'm going to continue being kinky, a witch, and a feminist all at once regardless of what Starhawk or Dworkin or anyone else says. But it is nice to read the thoughts and theories of like-minded people, as it helps me develop a cognizant framework to describe my own life experiences and my own feelings, which are often chaotic and half-formed even to me; I know what feels right, but I can't explain why or how without help.

Fortunately, I've already seen hints of kink-friendly paganism. I just finished reading Craft of the Wise: A Practical Guide to Paganism and Witchcraft by Llyn Annwn, and she briefly mentions the traditional use of the scourge in rituals. Though she doesn't go into detail - only saying that, in the proper circumstances and for the right people, it can be a powerful experience - it provides a hint that, yes, I can incorporate every aspect of my sexuality into my religious practice. However, I don't know where to look to find more material about this. Any suggestions would be much appreciated.

(x-posted to my witchy blog)

Speaking of...

2010-08-12T16:38:00.002-05:00

Relating to my previous, entry, I've recently moved to a very isolated part of the Midwest for an editing job. Though it's a great job and I'm excited about it, I was mildly apprehensive, as I was just getting used to the concept of being open and active in the kink community, and it seemed likely that I'd have to go back underground again for the sake of this job, even though the community I'd be living in was pretty progressive.

Lo and behold, on my first day I find out one of my co-editors is a dominant sadist. And s/he makes regular trips to the nearest large city for munches and workshops! Oh, happy day.

I suppose I should have learned from my time at college that hippie-types and kinky-types are not mutually exclusive. But for some reason I still held that misconception. Perhaps because hippies also have the stereotype of anti-hierarchical anarchism? (Which also doesn't preclude kink, so even THAT assumption is faulty.)

In any case, it'll be nice to have even just one person who I can talk to about kinky stuff when Master isn't around to visit.

Like attracts like

2010-08-03T16:53:00.003-05:00

I'm continually amazed by how much overlap there is between various subcultures. Most of the kinky people I know are nerds... most of the nerds I know are gamers... many of the gamers I know are queer... many of the queer people I know are of a religious minority... many of the non-monotheist people I know are also non-monogamous... it just goes on.

It's a common enough occurrence that I've seen multiple self-referential jokes about "bi poly pagan kinky geek chicks" or some permutation thereof. So obviously it's not just me.

I mentioned this to Master once, and he hypothesized that it was because marginalized groups felt a kinship for each other, so naturally there'd be cross-pollination. This makes sense to me, as it seems like almost all "minority" groups - whether minorities in the sociological sense or just niche cultures - have a high occurrence of other minority groups. The exception to this, however, is POC, which most subcultures seem to have a dearth of.

(Naturally, this doesn't mean there aren't any queers of color, geeks of color, what have you; however, they're often absent (or under-represented) in public discourse/gatherings.)

Which is unfortunate, of course. And I hope we can fix that.

Fun times

2010-07-19T23:26:00.002-05:00

I think we've figured out the ideal arrangement for me and Tapeti coming to visit Master: one of us arrives first, then the second arrives several days later, we get a couple days of overlap, and then the first one leaves. That way we get the right balance of threesome time and twosome time.

Also, I need to either find someone in my home city who'll flog me, or I need to pester Master more about it. Because I haven't gotten nearly enough.

New experiences

2010-07-11T11:16:00.002-05:00

I went to my first play party last night; neither Master nor Tapeti could make it, so I went unaccompanied.

It was actually a lot of fun. Everyone was very friendly and welcoming. And I got spanked and paddled. And I got nipple clamped for the first time, which was awesome. ^_^ And there was lots of food!

Trying to snap out of sub-space was weird, though. After the scene I kept wanting to go "sub sub sub sub sub!" to the person who topped me, but I didn't want to commit any social faux pas either. What is the post-scene etiquette, I wonder?

I've gotten around.

2010-06-22T00:06:00.000-05:00

Find out where I've journeyed
on the Map of Human Sexuality!
Or get your own here!

Guilty pleasures

2010-06-10T13:15:00.003-05:00

Apparently some parts of the feminist blogosphere are... maybe not angry, but at least irritated by the movie Splice. I wanted to see it because the concept seemed cool, and the design for the human/animal hybrid looked pretty good. Then a couple of my friends said, "Don't see this! It's got gratuitous rape!" I was like, "Bwuh?" and read a spoilerrific review to find out what the hell they were talking about.

And, okay, there definitely is a lot to critique. The female characters (all two... well, 1.5 of them) seem pretty shallow and sexist in their portrayal. And apparently there's a lot of really ableist connotations in how the hybrid is treated. (Keep in mind I haven't actually seen it yet.) But as for the rest... um. A gender/sex-shifting human/animal hybrid that sexually assaults people with his/her tentacle-tail-penis-thing? With hints of incest thrown in? That's like, five of my fetishes all combined into one right there.

So now I feel like a Bad Feminist because the things that make others miffed make me go, "Oooh. Hot." I know that the "Examine your desires!" thing is generally considered bunk, and I've never really felt in conflict before, but... yeah. I dunno. I know why others are upset by this movie, but I just can't get myself to feel the same way. :/

This is so weird. Even though I'm a submissive-oriented woman, I've never really felt that was at odds with my feminism. But with this I actually feel kind of guilty. :( Bleh. Then I feel bad for feeling guilty because YOU SHOULD NEVER FEEL GUILTY FOR YOUR SEXUALITY and so on.

I dunno what to do.

Mixed bag

2010-06-04T15:41:00.001-05:00

I've graduated from college and, lacking a job, have moved back home with my folks.

On the plus side, I'm much closer to Master's city, and the city I'm in actually has something of a kink scene.

On the minus side, living with one's parents does put a kink (hurr hurr hurr) in one's sex life.

Dork alert!

2010-05-21T13:19:00.002-05:00

Every summer I get a farmer's tan of sorts, with my extremities being much darker than my torso and a steady gradation between the two. I know normally this is to be avoided - hence tanning booths and so on - but I actually kind of like it. It makes me feel like a Siamese or Balinese cat. :3

Bitchin' and whinin'

2010-05-19T23:39:00.003-05:00

Man, Tapeti and Master got to meet up two times in a row, and I'm stuck... not having sex. Or even getting cuddles. :(

I know that I get to see both of them in a week, but still. They're off having fun while I'm stuck in the boonies.

This sucks.

I don't know how much longer I can handle this whole long-distance thing.

Not to mention that they get some together time for a whole week, while I only get a weekend that's mostly going to be taken up with moving out, travel, and the graduation ceremony. Fuck.

Eureka!

2010-05-18T19:27:00.000-05:00

Recently I have discovered that gently stroking/massaging/tickling the tip of the cervix feels REALLY DAMN GOOD.

I suggest everyone try it.

Erotic fanfics/fanart

2010-05-15T19:51:00.000-05:00

(All links in this post are NSFW)

While checking out a post with some very sexy, very well-drawn fanart of male Disney characters in underwear (Hello there, Tarzan!), I also happened upon a few Disney-based fanfics that I thought I'd share.

My, What a Guy! depicts a foursome between Gaston and the three blonde triplets in Beauty and the Beast. I enjoyed the use of French vocabulary, which was a nice change from the usual "manhood," "quivering center," and such. The tone was playful, in keeping with Gaston and the triplets' generally comedic role in the movie. However, the entrance of LeFou halfway through was just disturbing and a total turn-off.

A Matter of Pride (Trigger warning: attempted rape) is less an "erotic" fanfic and more an "adult" fanfic - that is, it's a re-interpretation of the middle portion of The Lion King with more adult themes, but not with any specific focus on titillation. Still, it was very well-written, and did a good job of balancing the human personalities of the characters with the reality of their animal nature.

A Cold Night in Agrabah is my least favorite, mostly because the author seems hell-bent on making sure we know that, despite the fact that Jasmine is being sexual with her tiger Rajah, she's still FAITHFUL to her ONE TRUE LOVE Aladdin and her HEART will ALWAYS BE WITH HIM. Yeah yeah yeah, just fuck your pet cat already, Jesus.

This untitled Little Mermaid fanfic (Trigger warning: explicit description of rape) is kind of like "A Matter of Pride" in that it's not really erotic - just a fanfic with explicitly adult themes. It explores an issue that the original movie didn't cover: that Ariel probably didn't know anything about human sex, and Prince Eric - given the time period this is set in - probably didn't give a shit. It's darkly humorous, or at least as humorous as a story about rape can be.

Tech porn

2010-05-10T17:15:00.002-05:00

In anticipation of Iron Man 2 (which I still have yet to see ;_; ), I re-watched Iron Man 1 with several of my friends the other day. It's a favorite of mine, and I think it and The Dark Knight exemplify the best of what a comic-book movie can be: either a joyful, silly romp or a dark, meditative exploration.

But Iron Man is more than just a silly romp (though it is very much that, and it revels in it). It's tech porn. I'd heard the term used before in reviews of the movie, and I understood what it meant, but I'd forgotten just how appropriate the term is. As I watched the camera lovingly and sensuously pan over the metallic body of Iron Man in the same way Michael Bay panned over Meagan Fox's body, I realized I wasn't just drooling over how cool and awesome the technology was (or would be, if it actually existed); I was actually getting turned on.

Well, that wouldn't be too unheard of, for me. I already knew I liked fantasies about robots and such. I half-jokingly mentioned my arousal to my friends (we don't hide much from each other), I was mildly surprised to learn that they all were similarly affected, even those not generally attracted to male figures.

I realized this should have been expected - that the creators of this movie had wanted to elicit this reaction (hence "tech porn"). After all, Iron Man is undeniably a phallic figure; not only is he literally hard as steel, but he represents (Tony Stark's/the US's) masculinity via physical and economic strength, as well as superior intellect. As most of society is taught to be attracted to masculinity, whether subjectively ("I want to be like that") or objectively ("I want that in my partner"), it makes sense that most would respond sexually to that.

Given this, I decided to look for Iron Man porn. As in actual porn. Given that Rule 34 has applied to some of the most bizarre and obscure things one can think of (a dragon fucking a sports car? turkey sandwiches? what?), I figured it wouldn't be too difficult to find. After all, all one would need to do is add a red-and-yellow cock to the suit and stick it in whomever one chose.

And yet I found nothing.

Not a single metal cock in sight.

I found a few pics of Pepper Pots and Tony Stark, but nothing that blatantly sexualized the actual suit, which I found odd. The Autobots and Decepticons have plenty of dicks and pussies to go around; couldn't they spare one for Iron Man?

So why aren't there any porno pics of the suit? I doubt complexity of the suit's design is a deterrent to any would-be artists, as many of the beautiful renditions on DeviantArt prove. Perhaps it's because sexual objectification is antithetical to the phallic symbol of Iron Man? Indeed, many of the fan art I found made a point of de-emphasizing the would-be genital area on the suit as much as possible; even a Ken doll has more of a bulge than some of these depictions (when the bulge is even visible and not hidden by a posed leg or arm, that is). But I don't think that male sexuality is mutually exclusive with the phallus - and Tony Stark's hyper-active sexuality would seem to make such a connection even more plausible.

Maybe Tony Stark/Iron Man represent a dichotomous version of masculinity: the explicitly sexual Stark, who exerts his power over women (Pepper Potts and his various "conquests") vs. the apparently asexual Iron Man, who exerts his power over men (the bad guys). Thus, the simultaneous sexualization/de-sexualization of Tony Stark/Iron Man may be an attempt to remove any homoeroticism, which seems to run rampant among super heroes in general. And we all know how "dangerous" homosexuality is to traditional masculinity.

Conversely, perhaps Iron Man was so explicitly "pornified" in the movie that to make Rule 34 of him was redundant, like making pornographic fan art of... porn. Why not just use the original material?

Or, perhaps, I just fail at searching for it.

Good info to share

2010-05-07T16:31:00.004-05:00

I've been volunteering at a women's shelter in town, and in their informational materials they had some great resources regarding abuse/assault in queer relationships. They also had a list of warning signs and myths about abuse in BDSM relationships, which I thought I'd share here. This comes from the Survivor-Centered Advocacy for Trans Survivors of Violence at the FORGE Forward 2007 Conference.

Abuse is not S/M and S/M is not abuse
Whether you are topping, bottoming, or both, these are some questions to ask yourself:
Is your partner turned on by violating your limits or terms?
Does your partner not use a safeword, and then later say you violated their limits?
Does your partner claim to know more about your s/m "energy" than you do?
Does your partner try to extend a dynamic outside of a scene without your consent?
Does your partner expect you to read their mind about what they want?
Does your partner refuse to talk about what felt wrong or confusing to you about a scene?
Does your partner negotiate while in role when you haven't agreed to do that?
Do you feel like you're playing because you have to?
Does your partner involve others in your scenes without asking?
Does your partner say you pushed them too far even though you stayed within the limits you negotiated?
Does your partner humiliate you by talking about your play in public without your consent?
Does your partner use arousal or orgasm as evidence of consent?
Do you feel fear or dread about ending a scene or setting a limit?
Does your partner say you're not "real" for wanting to switch, or do they pressure you into switching?
Are you confused about when a scene begins and ends?
Do you feel that if you could just play better, be hotter or give/take more, everything would be okay?
Does your partner use scenes to suppress or cover up anger and frustration?
S/M play is consensual; abuse is not consensual.
S/M play is negotiated and agreed upon ahead of time; abuse is not negotiated.
S/M has responsible limits and safety rules; abuse has no rules or limits and there are no safewords.
S/M is fun, erotic and loving; abuse is manipulative, selfish, and hurtful.
S/M play is enjoyable by both; victims do not enjoy abuse.
S/M play can be stopped by either partner at any time; abuse cannot be stopped by the victim.
Players exchange power in agreed-upon roles with negotiated boundaries; abusers force control using non-consensual manipulation and violence.
S/M creates a bond of trust; abuse destroys trust.

Adapted from the Northwest Network, 2001

So yeah. Spread this around, if you like. Awareness is the first (and arguably most important) tool in fighting and stopping abuse, no matter what community it occurs in.

New experiences

2010-05-03T17:10:00.004-05:00

I had my first professional spanking the other night! A goth club in my hometown has regular bondage nights with prodommes, and I went with Lupa. I wanted to get her a spanking, but she was too shy - no one else had gone up yet. So I went first.

The mistress was so sweet; she asked me how much experience I had, whether I was wearing underwear and whether it would be okay to expose said underwear, whether she could use a paddle, how I was doing, if she could hit harder, and so on. And she gave me a hug afterwards. :) AND SHE WAS SO PRETTY. My goodness.

But she also hit really hard. After she shackled my wrists up by my head and tilted me forward (she had a dentist chair-like thing; riding it was very trippy), she warmed up my bottom with a lot of quick, gentle slaps. That actually felt really nice - almost like a massage. But then she really went to town. She used her hand, mostly, and a leather paddle with hearts cut out of it. She took a couple thwacks with a wooden paddle, too, but she went easy with that. Even so, she definitely pushed me; maybe I'm just out of practice, but I don't think I've taken that severe of a paddling in a while, if ever. My bum was still red the next day! But it wasn't especially sore, remarkably enough.

The public aspect was... almost a non-issue. Like, even though it was the first time I'd scened in front of strangers, I was very comfortable and enjoyed myself too much to be embarrassed. And I was able to be as loud as I wanted! That was very nice.

I also met up with a guy I've been chatting with on FetLife. He's a fellow photo buff, though he does digital instead of darkroom. It's the first time in a while I've talked to someone from that site who didn't seem like a total creeper! Though I'm glad that I've met someone who I'd actually like to be friends with, I'm kind of sad that I have to wade through so many, "Hey baby I like ur profile hurr hurr hurr," comments. *sigh*

Also got to see Master, albeit briefly, and we had lunch with my folks. Pretty sure we've successfully maintained the illusion to all three of our families that we each only have one partner. Heh. I'm sad Master and I only had time for sex once, though. :( Of course, he's been teasing me mercilessly about my sex drive, even though his is just as high. I'm sorry, but once a month is not going to cut it! I'm fairly certain most would agree, too.

But I'm going to go visit him in just a few weeks, and then he'll be up for my college graduation. So the dry spell won't be quite as long this time.

I suck at juggling

2010-04-25T19:38:00.002-05:00

I'd never anticipated how difficult it would be for Master to have more than one girlfriend. Well, I take that back, I thought it'd be tough, but not in the way that it's turning out to be. I thought I'd have to deal with jealousy issues, mostly, and there is a little bit of that, but I'm finding it much easier to deal with than a very basic issue: what do I tell my parents?

For now, we've decided it's best for everyone that we stay in the closet about being poly except to our close peers. Up until now it's been pretty easy... except now sometimes Master comes to my city to visit someone that isn't me. How do I explain that to my parents? I'm pretty sure they're just waiting for us to get married at this point (good luck with that, guys), so for him to travel hundreds of miles and spend more time with someone else than with me is rather odd.

Of course, the real reason why is perfectly understandable - he's being introduced to Tapeti's parents as The Boyfriend, so of course he's going to spend more time with her/them than with me. But I can't tell my parents that, otherwise I'd out all three of us. So instead I'm just left stammering awkwardly. :S

Homework

2010-04-13T17:46:00.003-05:00

This post is late (sorry, Master!), but here is the homework he assigned me: go to a free porn site and find a clip that I like, then say why I liked it. I went to RedTube.com, and this is what I found (VERY NSFW).

I know it's just a preview for a full-length porno, but it was enough that I found it arousing (which I'm sure was their intention). I liked that it was silly and self-parodic, since sex does tend to be pretty funny (especially when doing such a time-honored scenario as a rebellious student being "punished" by her teacher), but it wasn't so silly that it was no longer sexy, like some (okay, a lot) of porn that I've seen. The spanking was great - not wimpy spanking, like some other videos I watched, and the woman actually had enough butt on her that I wasn't worried about the man hitting bone every time he smacked her. I was glad that both the man and the woman were pretty attractive (though I wish neither of them had shaved all their pubic hair), and I was really impressed by the woman's flexibility. That lady's in shape!

As a side note, that's also the first time I've seen a labial piercing.

Real toys

2010-03-24T21:55:00.003-05:00

Today in my women's studies class we watched a short clip about Realdolls (website NSFW). The clip looked to be a few years old, and was mostly just the manufacturers (a husband and wife team) illustrating the process of making a Realdoll, as well as talking about the possible reasons someone would want to buy a Realdoll. The other part was interviews with a Realdoll owner and footage of a woman buying a Realdoll as a birthday gift for her male partner, and them playing with it together.

This was interesting because, while I've seen other documentaries about Realdolls before, this was the first time I'd seen Realdolls used in the context of a couple. The company founder mused that some of his customers were couples that wanted to try threesomes but were to afraid to find an actual third person, so shelled out $6000 for a doll instead. That seemed to be what was going on with the couple featured.

That logic... kinda made sense to me? I mean, I get that people can be very nervous about nonmonogamy, but six grand? The potential emotional costs seem much more affordable than that! I suppose I'm kind of biased in my views, being 1) already practiced in nonmonogamy, and 2) not in a position to spend $6000 on anything, but I mean, come on. You could hire a sex worker for less than that, and you get the added bonus of being with a human being who can respond to you.

Still, this clip actually made me feel less creeped out about Realdolls than I normally am. I think it's because they were pretty firm on keeping the line between the dolls and real people; the guy they interviewed didn't have sex with his doll - he masturbated using his doll, and only had sex with his long-distance girlfriend. The creator mentions that many of his customers order the dolls because they specifically have a fetish for silicone and/or dolls; it is the fact that they are not human that is appealing. This I can also understand; I have my own kinks, such as for (non-anthropomorphic) fucking machines, and the whole point is, indeed, that it's not a human giving me pleasure.

And yet... I read the testimonials on the web site:

They have a "presence"; they are soft, sweet, cuddly, endearing, sexy, and more. I have several faces and several wigs for mine. That in combination with a wide variety of wardrobes allows me to be with any fantasy girl I desire!!!! So very liberating!! I can have a HOT dominatrix, a sweet innocent girl next door, a cute shopoholic who loves the clubs at night! A sweet fairy. A rich girl who only wants the best. A hot business woman, hot Bikini babe!!... the list is endless!!!!

Abyss gave me this doll, the closest thing to my ideal female beauty I have. This one will even allow me to kiss and hug her, to even have sex with her.

I read some of the feedback and I get a decidedly icky vibe. Like, these guys aren't pleased that real women won't cater to their desires, so they'll get an inanimate woman-object that they can have complete control over. Oh hey, feminist alarms going off there. The lines between woman and object are blurred more on the site, too; the clothing, which is ostensibly for the dolls, is modeled by real women, and they make Realdolls that are replicas of adult film stars. Inanimate objects become human being with personalities, and living, breathing humans are reduced to sex toys. And when I say "humans," I of course mean women; they do offer male Realdolls, but they are obviously not the focus of either the company or the clientele. Color me surprised. Except not.

However, while browsing the site, I noticed you could get a Realdoll with elf ears and/or unnaturally colored skin (e.g. bright blue or green). I actually thought that was cool. I even thought it might be fun to play with a doll like that; I do enjoy mixing sci-fi and fantasy with sex.

I suppose, beyond the feminist critique, my reaction boils down to my viscerally negative reaction to too-humanlike sex toys of any kind, which is probably because they fall right into the uncanny valley. Flesh-colored, veiny dongs freak me out just as much as the disembodied women's torsos that one can buy, and while blue pointy-eared Realdolls are kind of awesome, a realistic one is just gross. Why would I want to have sex with a severed limb? Or a corpse? Not to mention that, for me, there is a strict dichotomy between sex (involving other people) and masturbation (not involving other people), and realistic sex toys like Realdolls blur that distinction too much for me.

I guess I'll just keep my fire-engine-red-with-sculpted-flames-on-the-tip dildo, thanks!

The right crowd

2010-03-17T15:01:00.003-05:00

I went to a kink demo for the first time earlier this week. It was at a goth club in my home city, and I was shockingly un-anxious about the entire thing. Whenever I've considered the possibility of meeting with actual members of "the community" outside of my immediate circle of friends, I get nervous and antsy and psych myself out before I even do it.

When I actually did go, however, I felt completely at ease. This was probably because I was there with several of my friends already, so I wasn't "alone." The drinks I imbibed also probably helped. But I think the biggest thing is that "the community" isn't actually scary. I mean, no scarier than me and my friends - 'cause we're actually already part of the community anyway! You'd think I would have figured this out before, but apparently not.

Anyway, on to the actual demo. The suspension guy was awesome; his knotwork was incredible, and he exuded such competence that I would totally have him hang me upside-down. It made me want to try more suspension; Master and I have never really done much other than tying my arms to a water pipe to slightly take the weight off my feet - nothing much at all. We were constrained by a lack of resources as much as a lack of experience. But one day I'd like to try a full-body suspension like what the guy at the club demonstrated. It looked so comfortable! Considering how much I love swings and hammocks and high places, I imagine I'd love it.

There were two dommes there who did more standard kinky stuff - impact play, wax play, cuffs and spreader bars, clamps, and the occasional judicious application of a vibrator (outside the panties, natch). I've never seen such proficient use of a flogger before; watching them and listening to the SMACK! that resounded with each strike made me weak in the knees. Lupa had to hold me up! (And then she proceeded to NOT HELP AT ALL by whispering about all the nasty mean things she wanted to do to me in my ear.)

Tapeti got her birthday spankings, and her bottom was a beautiful kaleidoscope of colors by the time they were done. The poor dear - I made her jump each time I unconsciously patted her bottom. >:3

Alas, I wasn't able to be on the receiving end of either the dommes or the suspension guy. Maybe next time I'll get the chance. 'Cause I'm definitely going there again; I haven't had that much fun at a bar or a club since... probably ever!

Antagonist

2010-03-11T23:00:00.002-06:00

We sat on the bus, under the sterile fluorescent lights, the only other passengers a thirtysomething couple several rows up. Master pulled me close to whisper in my ear. "I can't wait to get home, tie you down, fuck your tight little pussy, and fill it up with my hot cum." I wiggled at the power of his words; I probably blushed, too. "It makes me hard just thinking about it," he said. "Feel how hard I am."

I pulled back to meet his gaze, my eyes wide and serious. "No! I can't. Not right now."

"Why not?" he asked.

"'Cause... people will see." I slouched forward in my seat, bashful.

Master was not impressed. "Who will see?" He flicked his eyes towards the other couple, who were gazing straight ahead, oblivious to us behind them.

"The bus driver," I said, gazing fearfully at the rounded mirror at the front of the bus.

"The bus driver is watching the road. Now do it. Here I'll even put my hand in the way so they can't see," he said, crossing his leg and resting one arm on it.

I put my hand on his thigh, then hesitated.

"Do it. Do it or I won't fuck you."

Faced with that ultimatum, I reached out with my pinkie to stroke the hard shape beneath his pants, then pulled my hand away. Master smiled.

"Good girl."

----

"You know," Master said, "I've been thinking about your subbiness, and I think you don't actually want a boss - you want a bad guy to fight against. You want the conflict."

"Yeah," I said. "But... it's not that I want a bad guy; I want an antagonist. An antagonist isn't necessarily a bad guy; he's like a rival or a foil."

"The Gary to your Ash Ketchum."

I giggled. "Yeah, like that."

Academe

2010-02-28T21:50:00.002-06:00

I'm currently writing my first academic paper regarding kink. I'll probably post it here when I'm done, as I did with my previous papers regarding sexuality in general.

I can't quite shake my nervousness regarding turning this in. Will my professor suspect my motivations for writing about kink, I wonder? Then I ask myself, why does it matter? I don't get worked up when I speak about bisexuality in class. (Well, I do a little bit; heterosexism is hard to shake entirely.)

I also hope that I do the kink community justice in my writing. I mean, it's not like I'm gonna get kicked out of kink forever if I get a bad grade, but still. I don't want to misrepresent it either.

Fantasy analysis

2010-02-25T01:27:00.003-06:00

Another paper for my sociology of sexuality class. This time the assignment was to analyze a fantasy of ours.

---

When I was in my teens – particularly my early teens – there was one fantasy in particular that I enjoyed. Not only did it persist longer than most of my fantasies, but it also changed subtly over time as my sexual tastes evolved and (theoretically) matured.

This fantasy is very much a fantasy – that is, it fits into the sci-fi or fantasy genres. In it, the world is not run by humans; instead, large cat-like creatures are the dominant species. Sometimes this was the result of an alien invasion, and sometimes it just always has been that way in this world – it doesn’t really matter which. Either way, the end result is that humans are the pets, while cats (or cat-like aliens, anyway) are the owners.

Naturally, the aliens want to breed their pets. In the fantasy, I am owned by a human breeder, along with several other females. Part of the fantasy is simply living the pet life – we sleep in cat beds on the floor, eat out of dishes, run around in outdoor pens, receive pats from our “masters,” and play on human-sized cat structures. Interestingly, I don’t recall any explicitly sexual fantasies involving the other females. Also, even when our ownership is the result of an alien invasion, there is never any talk or attempt of escape.

The other part of the fantasy is, of course, the actual breeding. The decision of whom I breed with is made without my input or consent; all I’m aware of is being leashed by my owner and led into a room, where I’m locked in with a strange male. He usually looks striking similar to my now-boyfriend, sans facial hair: about my height or a bit taller, wiry, with a small amount of body hair. He is usually white, though not always.

At first he and I are incredibly awkward; we have never even seen each other, except perhaps in passing, but we know that our owners are expecting us to have sex, and we will probably get rewarded if we do (and possibly punished if we don’t). We start talking, and eventually bond because of our shared awkward situation. That inevitably leads to sex.

When I first started having this fantasy, I imagined sex almost exclusively in man-on-top missionary position. However, as I got older, I started getting more imaginative and started incorporating more variety of positions, particularly “doggie-style” and other “from-behind” positions. The furnishings of the room that we were in also changed as I aged. At first, the room had very stereotypical decorations – a large four-poster bed with a canopy, candles, and tapestries on the walls. I was often “forced” to wear sexy lingerie that was inspired by the Victoria’s Secret catalogues I looked at. This was presumably because the alien breeders wanted to replicate humans’ “natural” mating environment as closely as possible. There was also no obvious sign that they were watching the man and I. As I got older, however, I largely dispensed of such trappings until it was just the man and I, completely naked except for collars around our necks, in a bare enclosure with our owners blatantly watching us the entire time.

From a feminist perspective, I think the reason that I conjured up this fantasy was because it gave me an excuse to be sexual. Hegemonic gender roles say that good women – particularly young teens, like I was when I first started having this fantasy – are not supposed to be sexual. I was very invested in being a “good girl.” I didn’t rebel against adults, I got good grades in school, and I did not outwardly express my sexuality. By setting up a situation in which I was forced to be sexual, I therefore was alleviated of any responsibility or guilt and was able to enjoy my fantasy worry-free. Conversely, as I was able to free myself from the dichotomy of “good girl = asexual/evil girl = sexual,” I no longer needed to come up with excuses for myself, and hence this fantasy eventually fell by the wayside, for the most part.

Similarly, the furnishings of my early versions of this fantasy were informed by the dominant social script regarding what is “sexy.” This script, which I learned from TV shows, movies, and aforementioned Victoria’s Secret catalogues, told me that to set the scene for enjoyable, “ideal” sex there needed to be 1) candles, 2) a large bed with plush pillows and silk sheets, preferably a four-poster bed with a canopy and curtains, 3) lacy, feminine lingerie on the woman – the man could just wear normal clothes, and 4) only man-on-top missionary position. As I got older, however, I realized this script didn’t really appeal to me, and I wasn’t actually beholden to it, either. So I discarded the environment and actions that I didn’t like and replaced it with an environment and actions that I did like, namely one that was very minimalist, even harsh, with elements of voyeurism/exhibitionism.

But I didn’t completely buck my socialization. This is evidenced first in that I never moved beyond heterosexual encounters, even though I can be attracted to women and, as mentioned before, there was certainly a possibility to incorporate a lesbian encounter into my fantasy. Secondly, the fact that I am a pet in this fantasy still fits into the dominant (i.e. sexist) romantic script in an odd way. The ideal woman in this paradigm is ultimately reduced to an object of adoration; she receives gifts, attention, and a comfortable way of life from a man in return for expressing unequivocal adoration of him. In other words, she becomes his human pet. My fantasy takes this implicit idea and made it incredibly explicit.

However, in the fantasy I have sex with another pet – a fellow object – who just happens to be male. My actual owner is an asexual presence, and is female as often as male (when their gender is specified at all). In this way my fantasy deviates from the dominant script. A feminist analysis might say this is because I want to meet someone (a man) who understands and empathizes with my experiences of discrimination and sexism; that I want to be intimate with someone on equal terms even in the face of patriarchal oppression. If we follow this line of interpretation, however, this raises the question of why I never try to escape this oppressive state. Is it because I know/think I can’t, or is it because I don’t want to?

This brings us back to the idea that this fantasy absolves me of responsibility for my sexuality. In a way, I’ve got it made in this fantasy – I get to lounge around all day, have all my food prepared for me, and get to have hot sex with various hot men. True, the point of said hot sex is to get me pregnant, which would be very unpleasant for me, but my fantasy never actually addresses that part. Thus I’m essentially having consequence-free casual sex with a stranger, which is the opposite kind of sex women are supposed to have.

I think that is why I later on included an audience in my fantasy. Despite being apparently oppressed, I’m actually flaunting many of the strictures placed on my sexuality by hegemonic society, and I want to show it off – to rub it in society’s face, as it were. My fantasy allows me to safely be deviant, using elements of the fantastical to make the scenario less intimidating in the same way “fantasy violence” is usually less frightening than depictions of actual violence. I am able to take my reality – I am a woman living in a patriarchal society, with a sexist social script thrust upon me – and twist it upon itself until I create something manageable, even empowering.

As for the cat thing… well, I’ve lived with cats since the day I was born. I just really like cats.

Sizing up

2010-02-17T19:35:00.004-06:00

Master gave Tapeti a collar over the weekend - a cute pink one with silver threading. It didn't come with any stipulations; she isn't beholden to him or me at all, and she can wear it (or not wear it) as she pleases. She was mighty pleased with it!

However, I got the impression that Lupa was a little sad that she did not get a collar. She has known Master and me longer than Tapeti has, but it's harder for us to feel... relationship-y towards her. I think it's for a couple reasons.

While Tapeti is a hardcore sub/bottom, Lupa is a super-switch, and neither Master nor I know quite what to make of that. Though sometimes I can be a little bit of a brat towards Master, and though I do like to assert myself over other people, switching roles frequently - sometimes multiple times in the same scene, as Lupa does - just confuses me. It's hard for me to completely reorient my headspace at the drop of a hat; it reminds me of one time when I was asked to play two of my characters - mother and son - at the same time in a tabletop game. Trying to hop between two mindsets was too much for me, and eventually I needed the GM to take over one of them. (As an aside, I think that's why I'm not a very successful GM, too.)

So I don't know where I stand with Lupa - is she dominant over me? She often co-tops with Master, and finds great glee in tormenting me. I'm more sexually experienced than her, though, and that leads to me often taking the initiative with her and "leading" the encounter - not to mention that she is incredibly physically sensitive, so it's pretty easy for me to subdue her with a few bites and caresses. But, on the other hand, she gets cranky if she doesn't get the opportunity to tie someone up! I can only imagine how difficult it is for Master to get a bead on her.

Tapeti, by comparison, is pretty straightforward. She is submissive. Very, very submissive. Much more so than I am, so by default I'm above her in the "pecking order" of our little kinky menagerie. The chain of command is clear: Master > Me > Tapeti. With everything so clear-cut, it's easier for us to integrate her into our relationship.

I'd feel worse for Lupa, except that she's explicitly told me that she prefers being able to act as she pleases, without the ties of an official "relationship." She definitely values her independence; I don't think she's been in a monogamous relationship her entire life.

It's funny - for a wolf, Lupa sure resists clear-cut hierarchies. She sure is an odd one. But I love her anyways.

A fun find

2010-02-10T18:48:00.003-06:00

I found this place called dapperQ, which is a style website for masculine(ish)-presenting people that don't have the typical cis-male body. So awesome! Though it's brand new and doesn't have much up right now, I know I'll be going there for tips. And to look at all the pretty pictures of androgynous and butch people :3

Only problem: I've yet found a satisfying way to wear both a collar and a necktie. Currently, when I want to butch/queer it up, I just wear a very small, unobtrusive collar (more a choker or necklace) and then hide it under my shirt and tie. But I always feel a little bit dishonest doing that - like hiding your wedding ring or something, even though it obviously isn't on quite the same level. Does this mean I must resign myself to a necktie-less life? Woe!

Sisterhood

2010-02-03T00:37:00.003-06:00

Master is thinking about giving a collar to a mutual friend of ours, whom I'll call Tapeti. She's a sweet girl, and though she's new to kink she is very keen on learning more. Master sees giving her a collar as a welcoming into the community and an opportunity for her to learn in a safe environment, instead of a symbol of ownership and commitment (like it was when he collared me).

On the one hand, I think it would be very fun. Tapeti could be a "sister" of sorts - someone who could relate with my subby experiences, particularly as a fellow sub to Master. We could provide each other support and love and understanding - not that Master doesn't provide all those things, but his is of a qualitatively different nature than what a fellow lady-sub would provide. Also, she could be someone for me to practice topping on! :D

On the other hand, I don't know how our relationships would actually pan out. We'd be in entirely new territory, working out new protocol for interacting with someone who's not a girlfriend, not just a FWB, and not a Master (well, Mistress). We'd have to work out where our boundaries are, how we actually feel for each other, and so on. And we have no social script to work from. Would there be a "pecking order" between me and Tapeti? How would we resolve conflicts between any of us? What happens when Master and I are in a much different city from her, which is probably what's going to happen?

It's mostly the unknowns that I'm afraid of. But I'm also kind of excited by the prospect. Master hasn't made any firm decisions yet, and both he and Tapeti are coming to visit me soon. Maybe we'll hammer out something more solid then.

sigh

2010-01-25T14:28:00.003-06:00

Oooooh, look. A CSI episode where a masochist is murdered in a "play scene gone wrong" scenario. Way to be original. You just can't miss an opportunity to show how sick and wrong and scary us kinksters are, can you?

-_-

A Personal History of Sex

2010-01-20T12:46:00.005-06:00

I'm in a sociology of sexuality course this semester, and our first assignment was to write a paper describing our personal definition of sex and how we came to that definition. I decided it was worth sharing here. Enjoy!

----

I distinctly remember the first time I learned what sex was. I was young – probably second grade – and was at my friend’s house. We were playing with a girl a year or two older than us; I can’t recall what led up to the conversation, but at some point she felt she needed to enlighten us younger girls. “This is the man’s penis,” she said, holding up her index finger. “And this is the woman’s vagina,” she added, touching the thumb and fingertips of her other hand together to make a circle. Wordlessly, she poked her finger into the circle.

“EEEW!” my friend and I shrieked, covering our faces with our hands in disgust. At that point, all I knew was that penises and vaginas were for peeing[1], and peeing was gross. Why would grown-ups want to touch things that pee came out of?

My concept of sex stayed about the same through the beginning of high school. Though I’d discovered masturbation by sixth grade, that wasn’t sex – there wasn’t anyone else involved. I’d heard of fellatio, but that sounded disgusting; I still couldn’t get over the fact that guys peed with their dicks. Cunnilingus never even entered my sphere of awareness.[2] Anal sex was something gay guys did because they didn’t have vaginas to stick their penises in.

Then, during tenth grade, I came to the realization that I was bisexual.[3] Suddenly, sex with another woman became a viable option. Awesome! But… how does that work? Obviously I’d need to do some research. Since I was a total anime nerd, I turned not to live-action lesbian porn but to yuri, its anime equivalent. There I discovered cunnilingus, which seemed pretty neat, but the two dominant acts depicted were frottage and using a dildo.[4]

These made sense, given my current definition of sex. If “normal” sex is putting two genitals – i.e. the penis and the vagina – together, then lesbian sex is either a) rubbing two female genitals together, or b) bringing in a synthetic penis to do the penetration. Since I never actually had sex with anyone – male or female – during my high school years, this rough definition was good enough to satisfy me.

When I came to college, though, several things happened that influenced my definition of sex. First, I became sexually active with both men and women – sometimes simultaneously. As I explored my sexuality, I discovered that I liked being tied up, ordered around, and beaten. This conflicted with my liberal, quasi-feminist upbringing, which said that women needed to be strong and confident and not let men boss them around. Perturbed, I began researching feminism in earnest for the first time in my life, and I discovered not only were my sexual preferences totally okay[5], but maybe I should rethink what I mean by “sex” in the first place.

Why, feminism asked, does society think a penis needs to be involved for something to be “sex”? Why is male orgasm the definitive ending point of sex, while a woman doesn’t necessarily have to orgasm at all? And what’s with our culture’s obsession with virginity, anyway? We can’t even agree on what a “virgin” is!

These questions blew my mind. The mainstream definition of sex was sexist! And heterosexist! And generally not very good! I’d need to change this.

I decided to leave masturbation as something separate from sex. While it was certainly sexual, my emotional and physical relationship with masturbation was distinctly different from sexual situations involving other people. It’s like having a good relationship with yourself vs. having good friends; both are important, and they are related, but they’re not the same.

So, sex involved at least two people. Looking back on my sexual experiences, I noticed there was a distinct difference in intimacy/emotional intensity between encounters involving genitals (meaning the penis, testicles, vulva, and anus) and those that were restricted to kissing and caressing other parts of the body. This is no doubt because of the societal importance placed on genitals; they must be covered at all times in public, and even most of the time in private, and they generally shouldn’t be touched, either, except by people whom you were very emotionally attached to and trusted a lot.

However, I didn’t see anything particularly wrong with this cultural importance attached to them, so I decided to include it in my new definition of sex: touching of someone’s bare genitals[6] must be involved. But, taking a lesson from feminist critique, a penis does not have to be involved. Indeed, only one set of genitals is required – the other person might use their hand or their mouth or some other implement, but it’d still be sex. Also, it has to be consensual for all parties; otherwise it is rape and an act of violence. And, finally, gynecological examinations are excepted because they don’t bring pleasure to either the doctor or the patient, and pleasure is the biggest reason why we have sex – now that we have effective contraception, that is.

Thus I came to my current definition of sex: consensual, pleasurable activity between two or more people that involves touching of at least one set of bare genitals, whether with another set of genitals, a different part of the body, or with an implement like a dildo. This definition is considerably broader than many people’s, as it includes oral sex, anal sex, hand jobs/finger banging, rimming, and frottage. However, I prefer this definition because it doesn’t erase homosexual partners and it elevates everyone involved to equal importance. I also hope that more people come to a similar definition of sex as the queer and women’s rights movements gain momentum.

[1] I didn’t learn that the vagina and urethra were separate things until fourth grade. Suddenly tampons made a lot more sense!

[2] Thanks, patriarchy!

[3] That’s a whole ‘nother paper.

[4] Or many, many dildos. All at once.

[5] Well, depending on which feminists you ask. I prefer the ones who say I’m not a sick freak and/or a brainwashed tool of the patriarchy, which is admittedly a very biased opinion on my part.

[6] I stipulate bare genitals because having a layer of clothing between them and whatever is doing the touching is not as intimate. Also, despite not technically being “bare,” I still consider it sex when someone is wearing a condom or dental dam because the latex is so thin it doesn’t impede sensation anyway, and the emotional level of intimacy is about the same.

Abstention

2010-01-11T21:16:00.003-06:00

I've decided not to be sexual with anyone before I can be with Master once more. It just feels... wrong to be with someone else when Master isn't well yet.

Master pointed out it may be some time before he can be intimate again. I don't mind. He can still dominate me - he still has that je ne sais quoi that leaves me breathless, even when we're using instant messanging. As long as we can do that, I'll be satisfied.

A long road ahead

2010-01-04T16:05:00.002-06:00

Master's on his way to a full recovery, thank God/dess.

Unfortunately, because of outside forces (school, family) I can't be there in person for his entire journey. And it's eating me up inside. :(

Thank goodness for modern technology, though - we're still able to keep in touch every day, even though he's still in the hospital.

And he's still able to exert his Masterly influence - he just chastised me for not updating on schedule! XD

Hopefully his neck injury won't prove a permanent hindrance to our play; even if it does have lasting effects, we'll work around it.

They say pets have a positive effect on people's health and can speed the healing process; I wonder if the same holds true for human pets?

Crisis

2009-12-21T22:34:00.003-06:00

Master was hit by a car while riding his bike a week ago. He's been in the hospital ever since.

He's definitely getting better - he should leave the ICU in the next day or two - but it's so hard sometimes. I feel so lost and alone and helpless. I just want him to get better.

Please pray, chant, cast magick, whatever it is you do.

Yum!

2009-12-10T14:00:00.005-06:00

In Master's absence I've been tentatively exploring my dominant side a bit more. I still have a hard time feeling truly comfortable expressing dominance - especially towards men (damn our patriarchal society!) - but I've been getting a feel for what kind of dominance turns me on.

Enter Male Submission Art. So many pretty men! :D The blog-keeper's commentary on each post is nice, too. From what I gather he's a submissive man himself, and I don't think I've read/followed many blogs that feature male subs. While theoretically that shouldn't make a difference - a sub is a sub - the fact is that our gendered society makes the experience of submission different for men and women, I think. Or at least it's different from my perspective.

Because men are expected to dominate and women are expected to submit, the most obvious difference is that male submission has an element of transgression beyond what female submission has. Of course, this doesn't mean that female submission is bad for reifying the gender binary or whatever; however, it does mean we have to approach it and process it differently.

'Tis the season!

2009-12-09T17:27:00.001-06:00

Seems Fetlife is doing a contest where you can enter to win one of three prizes of your choosing (out of many, many options). Me likey!

I chose the impact play kit, the Medusa flogger, and a silk waist cincher. ^_^

Delicious sky-pie :D

2009-12-08T21:34:00.003-06:00

I was talking to Master about browsing some BDSM sites and lusting over all these cool toys I can never have because they're too expensive. Then he told me to pick one thing that I'd like more than anything else, even though it's a total pie-in-the-sky deal. SO, without further ado, my totally-never-gonna-happen kinky wish list. (They all come from one website because that happened to be the site I was browsing when I was talking to Master.)

1) The Slave Driver Sex Machine

2) Vibrating Pleasure Periscope

3) Deerskin Flogger

On a more realistic note, I think it'd be fun to invest in a Wartenberg pinwheel. I could probably find one for a reasonable price. Maybe it'll be an anniversary present to Master. ^_^

Tentative foray

2009-12-06T22:30:00.002-06:00

I've never written smut before, despite being an avid writer, because I always feel awkward about it. The words sound so funny and, I always psych myself out before I even start trying; the fact that I hadn't had any firsthand experience until relatively recently didn't help much.

But! I want to expand my writing abilities, and I think part of that is learning how to write smut. I already have some experience from cybering/phone-sexing with Master. Plus, I have a plot bunny (for once) of the smutty variety - and it's steampunky, to boot. (Of course it is.) So I'm going to try my hand at the sexy writing and post my attempt here. Let's see what happens.

Ngh.

2009-11-29T01:10:00.000-06:00

Right now I really need someone to whom I can say, "My boyfriend probably had sex with another woman last night, and might again tonight, and even though we talked about it beforehand I'm feeling a little apprehensive and need to be reminded that yeah, I'm cared about too."

But all the people I'd normally turn to for that aren't here right now. :(

Maestro

2009-11-24T23:29:00.003-06:00

A while ago - before I went to visit Master - I had a very interesting experience with Lupa and a guy I'll call Finnian. He's a friend of ours, two years younger than Lupa and me, and he has a bit of a romantic history with Lupa, though the two have never been together officially.

Anyway, since the beginning of this year I've caught myself eying Finnian like a cat eying a plump squirrel. He's a good friend, he's funny, and he's attractive to boot - and I've been rather hungry now that Master's gone. But I know that Lupa still likes him (kind of; she's got mixed feelings) and he still likes her (probably), so I haven't done much more than watch him and chatter my teeth with anticipation.

However, there is one thing that Finnian and I both love to do, and that's torment Lupa. One night, Lupa was miserable from studying for a particularly vicious test, so Finnian and I took it upon ourselves to distract her. Our teasing and biting and licking escalated pretty quickly, but because we were in the living room we couldn't progress beyond a certain point without fear of it getting very awkward should a roommate happen to come in. But it was pretty obvious we all wanted to go further.

Master has been telling me I need to be more assertive. And Lupa and I had been joking for weeks about doing a "Twin Cougar Strike" on Finnian (a play on the name of an attack power in Dungeons & Dragons (yeah, we're super nerds)). This, I realized, was the perfect opportunity.

"Do you wanna go upstairs?" I whispered in Lupa's ear. After much incomprehensible flailing, Lupa nodded, so I helped her to her feet (her legs were already a little wobbly at this point). Then I turned to Finnian. "[Lupa] and I are going upstairs to have randy lesbian sex," I said, sounding much calmer than I felt. "You're welcome to come, if you'd like."

"Sure," Finnian said after a pause. "Might learn a thing or two."

So yeah. It was funny, because while I definitely participated, it felt a lot like I was orchestrating Lupa and Finnian's actions. Which was just fine - I like being a voyeur - but it was strange. It was much more intellectual, more "heady" than I usually am during sex. Sometimes I'd even be so explicit as to tell Finnian, "Do this," so he'd know precisely what Lupa liked, and a couple times I even manhandled the two into a better position for sexin'.

I don't think I'd call what I did "dominating," though, because I wasn't imposing my will on either of them. I was guiding them, giving them suggestions, that kind of thing. Mostly because both of them are pretty inexperienced compared to me. (And lordy do I feel weird saying that. Me? Experienced?!) Finnian was actually the least experienced of us, which was both fun and frustrating. It was fun because we got to experiment with what he liked, but it was frustrating because even he didn't know what he liked, so he couldn't just tell us. And his technique could use a little improvement, but that can only come with more practice! :)

Since then, I've wanted to be intimate with Finnian again - without Lupa. I'm not sure why I have that particular desire; I think it's a possession/dominance thing. "He's mine, see, I can do what I want with him." Which is petty, to be sure, and besides there's still the fact that there's more chemistry between those two than between him and me. Soooo it's probably not going to happen, but try telling my Id that.

Finally!

2009-11-17T23:45:00.000-06:00

Lupa and I visited Master this past weekend, and at last Master and I had an intensive play session. I was stressed out because my car was having troubles and I needed to travel 300+ miles the next day, so I asked Master if he could tie me up and help me relax.

He tied my wrists together and then bound them between my ankles; I felt very much like a trussed chicken (and, according to Master, looked like one, too), which made me feel both very silly and very vulnerable. I was also mildly embarrassed, which I liked; it added an extra shot of adrenaline.

Master spanked me for a bit, then pulled out a wood paddle that he found in one of the college dormitories, of all places. I've always found paddles to be rather intimidating; we don't use them often, and they look a lot more like actual weapons than other implements do, in my opinion. And do they ever sting! I haven't had a proper spanking in too long, so it was tough for me to take what Master dished out, but I think Master could tell, as he wasn't nearly as mean as he could have been.

My hands eventually started to go numb (I was lying on my side and my legs were squishing them), so Master loosed them and had me suck his cock for a while. At some point during all this, Lupa knocked and Master let her in. He wanted to show her what a lovely little pet he had - and she naturally wanted to play, too! So we got her out of her clothes right quick, and Master fucked both of our brains out while we used each other's shoulders and thighs as gags. Om nom nom. Lupa has a nice line of bruises now that I get to poke.

At one point, before Lupa joined in, Master ordered me to describe in detail what I was going to do with his cock. I'm often shy/awkward about dirty talk, which he's been trying to help me get over - but when I get all submissive and kitten-y I tend to get tongue-tied, so for a while all I could do was stammer, "Um, ah, Imma... um..." Master gently grasped my chin, turned my head to the side, and slapped my cheek. It wasn't very hard - the brief sting was nothing compared to what he does to my ass - but it was very... profound. It reinforced Master's dominance just as effectively, if not more so, than even a hard spanking.

"Use your words, Kitten," Master chastised. When I didn't get my act together quickly enough, he slapped me again, and finally my tongue was loosened enough to give a timid, but adequate, description of how I'd taste his cock.

Master had never slapped me before, and I distinctly remember thinking it was a hard limit of mine not too long ago. But I wasn't bothered by it at all; it was unexpected, sure, and I was pushed pretty deep into subspace from it, but not in a bad way. Perhaps I would have been set off if he'd done it harder, but Master didn't use much force at all; I imagine he was trying to go for a psychological effect instead of a physical one.

Interestingly, when he slapped my right cheek I didn't really flinch, but I shied away rather violently when he tried to slap my left cheek. (He just did the right cheek again, instead.) I think it's because I was in a play two years back in which I had to get slapped by another actor, and my right cheek was the one that was slapped. And we practiced that scene a lot - until I wouldn't flinch, since my character didn't know it was coming, even though I did. I had no idea that training was still ingrained in me.

Anyway, in all it was a lovely session. :)

Unwarranted self-importance

2009-11-10T23:02:00.003-06:00

Sometimes I get envious of Master because he gets to have all these fun sexcapades in the city while I'm stuck on campus in the boonies. Theoretically this shouldn't be a problem, since I've got scads of close friends who love cuddling and such, but somehow it never works out quite the way I'd like.

Master says I'm just not confident enough - that I need to take initiative more and seize the opportunity to get the people I fancy.

I think he has a point, but at the same time I don't want to get into the mindset that I deserve other people and that it's odd if people don't want to be with me. Such entitlement is repugnant, whether in a man or a woman.

But I don't know how to find the balance point yet. So I'm just going to sit here and be miserable for now.

Breath of fresh air

2009-11-03T00:47:00.004-06:00

I recently participated in a photo shoot for C, a friend of mine. It was a "Last Supper"-esque tableau of several people in various states of undress doing kinky/bizarre things. My assigned role was pseudo-suspension; another student, H, who's a fellow shibari enthusiast rigged up a chest harness, tied my bent leg up to my chest, and then threw the slack over a hook in the ceiling while I sat on a cleverly-hidden stool. When the time came to take the picture, I wrapped the slack around my wrists, stood up so I was balancing on one foot, and voila! - the appearance of suspension without the actual hassle.

This was the first time since Master left that I got to participate in significant shibari, and it reminded me exactly what I love about it. The feeling of the rope against my skin, the meditative aspect of waiting patiently while all the knots are secured, and the aesthetic appeal of the ropes were all delicious, even though the sexual aspect was stripped as much as possible from the situation. (This was for art, after all; we needed to stay professional. Or as professional as one can be when frolicking around a room, naked.)

But the artistic atmosphere lent its own appeal. I love art, and I love performance, and I love consciously trying to pose my body in a way that is artistic. The concept of the body (male and female) as a work of art is one that I enjoy exploring; the human form was my favorite subject of my own photography, and one I was most successful in shooting, I think. So I got an intellectual thrill (and a way to indulge my vanity) from the shoot, too.

I wasn't the only one trussed up; Z, another friend of mine (who played the role of the "supper") was hog-tied on the table while wearing nothing but stilettos and panties. H used a technique that I don't think Master has ever used on me; it involved a series of loops - I think she called the knot a butterfly knot - around Z's arms, which were held extended behind her back. The results were breathtaking; it basically was one of these made out of rope. Having the rope loop around the heels of Z's stilettos (one of my favorite images when viewing shibari) only added to the awesomeness. (Z was also very pleased, of course.)

I'd known before then that H was interested in shibari, but I'd never really seen her work before, and I was blown away (as I told her many times). I kind of want to ask her to tie me up again - just tie me up and let me bask in the sensation for a while, maybe take some pictures for posterity - but she's a very shy woman and we're not terribly close. I think it'd be too awkward. However, when C found out I enjoy being tied up and photographed he said he'd might ask me to pose for him again. If it means I get to satiate my kink drive, I'm all for it!

For teh lulz

2009-10-26T23:47:00.002-05:00

Master is pretending he's married for the purposes of getting a job; it's a lot easier for married men in his line of work, unfortunately. So, if anyone from his work asks, we were handfasted in a hot air balloon over Lake Michigan last summer, but we didn't get an official marriage because of all our gay friends. This isn't the first time we've pretended; while he was interning I was his "fiancee."

I know there's a long and proud history of fake marriages for teh lulz, but I was never one for Facebook romances. Don't ask me why, but for some reason I came to the conclusion long ago that marriage was Serious Fucking Business and you didn't joke around about being married - in fact, don't even say the m-word around your significant other because it means you're a clingy wacko who looks for way too much commitment too fast. So for Master and I to joke about who we got to play at our nonexistent wedding (and for him to say, "OMG! We're getting divorced!" when I admit ignorance about a band he mentioned) is kind of weird for me.

It's also weird that we're discussing marriage seriously too - from what our close friends' engagement means for our relationship to (sometimes heated) discussions about name changes to potential future kids. And even though we both agree we don't want to get married for a long time - we really do want to hold off until same-sex marriage is legal - the fact that discussing it seems like a good idea is... weird. As in I never expected it to happen. It's a good thing, no doubt; I'm glad we're both secure enough in this relationship that we can talk about it. But it still feels almost surreal for me.

Prurient interest

2009-10-20T00:25:00.003-05:00

Last night Master had a foursome with three of his friends - two women and a man. He told me about it today, and I was just bursting with questions about it. I especially wanted to know about his interactions with his male friend - who, like Master, identifies as straight AFAIK. How much did they interact? Master says there was an air of competition between the two, and they would not-so-subtly compare techniques. He also said that he tied his friend up. Did he enjoy tying his male friend up? Did they do anything else together? Would he want to do something like that again?

I held back some of my questions because they were more about entertaining my fantasies of group sex with Master and another man (or men) than about helping Master process his feelings of the event. Sometimes I fear I'm a little too enthusiastic when Master shows even the slightest inkling of bisexual thoughts; I certainly don't want to pressure him, and I don't want to put my own fantasies above his comfort.

The only time I started getting some negative feelings was when Master started describing his domination of his friends in more detail. I really miss having him top me, and I felt lonely and envious of his friends that they were on the receiving end of his spankings and not me. I don't think I got enough of a kink fix the last time Master came up to visit; fortunately, he might be visiting again for Halloween, and even if he doesn't it'd be just a few more weeks until I go down to see him. Still, it feels like a long wait. :(

Revamp

2009-10-14T22:31:00.006-05:00

Updated January 2011

Tapeti, Master and I went over our relationship rules, since some of the ones we used to have are no longer relevant because we've changed as people, or our situations have changed.

Be honest. And be proactive in your honesty - always disclose to the other partners if you share more than a kiss with someone.
No hard drugs - this goes for us three as well as any outside partners. "Hard drugs" include WoW.
Don't mess with virgins.
No one else can act as our Master/kitten/bunny.
No one else can touch my collar/grab my ankles. (This one was actually suggested by me - I get SUPER weirded-out and uncomfortable when someone besides those two touches my collar.)
Always use condoms. Dental dams and latex gloves are not required.
Get tested for STDs at least once a year.
Don't have PIV or PIA sex with people that the other two haven't met.

All in all, a good set of rules, I think.

"How lifestyle are you?"

2009-10-08T00:21:00.002-05:00

The other day Ume sent me a link to a post on Reddit. I don't follow the site, but apparently they do this thing where someone posts "I am [brief, attention-grabbing description]. Ask me anything." And anyone curious can ask them a question about the OP's particular situation. The link he sent me was a woman in a "completely submissive" relationship with her fiancee, and he wanted to know my reaction to the questions and her answers.

My perception was that, for the most part, the questioners were genuinely curious and mostly respectful. There were a few smartass "I want me one of these," and "Make me a sammich," comments, and one or two "OMG ABUSIVE" remarks, but most of the people seemed to come from a position of just wanting to learn about a unique relationship style.

As for the OP, my reaction to her was similar to almost any other submissive woman's description of her relationship that I read; there were some parts that resonated deeply with me, and other parts that squicked me to no end. She spoke of how the strictness of their relationship had loosened over time, and I nodded; she said that her master would physically punish her when she misbehaved - not "punish" for fun, but truly punish her, and I almost threw the computer across the room in horror. But then she eloquently described how she'd do anything her master said, but she trusted him not to make her do anything ridiculous, and that trust was a huge part of the relationship, and I was all nods and appreciative noises again.

Lupa, who's rooming with me this year, saw the post as well, and brought it up while we were lounging in the living room. "So how lifestyle are you and [Master]?" she asked.

I pursed my lips, not sure how to answer the question. "Well... I don't wear this collar for fashion..."

"Yeah I know. I mean - does he make all the decisions for you? That kind of thing."

I shrugged. "Not... really. It's mostly that... sometimes I don't want to make a decision. And then I ask him to make it for me, and I trust him to make the best one."

Though Lupa was satisfied with the answer, I'm not sure if I accurately described our relationship. It's just so hard to feel like it's 24/7 when he's not here (or I'm not there). And most of the D/s in our relationship is just little things: I kneel beside him while he's at his computer and rest my head on his lap; I make the bed before we turn in; he gently grabs the scruff of my neck. Usually my deferral to him is so subconscious that I hardly even notice it; it's like second nature to me.

It might be time for Master and me to go over the "terms" of our D/s again, just to update anything that needs updating and to make sure we're still on the same page. Fortunately he's coming up to visit soon.

Plans

2009-09-27T23:26:00.002-05:00

I'm so glad that Master and I have talked about living together after I graduate. It gives me something to look forward to, and it also gives me a sense of security regarding the future. I don't know what kind of job I'm going to have (if I do get a job; one never knows in this economy) or what my house/apartment will be like or anything like that, but I know what city I'm going to (at first, at least; we may move depending on what kind of jobs there are), and I know Master will be there - constant and supportive.

Women's work

2009-09-22T00:27:00.002-05:00

I visited Master this weekend, and as we walked down the sidewalk we noticed an unopened bottle of Corona. "You know, the Corona beer company is the only one owned by a woman," Dan said.

"That's really interesting because beer brewing used to be a female-dominated business," I replied, recalling a recent history lecture.

"What? When?"

"During the middle ages. It was one of the few ways a woman could own her own business. It was said - and there's some scientific evidence to back it up, but it's kinda eeeeh - that women are better at discerning temperature, and temperature control is really important during the fermenting process."

"Have you ever thought about brewing beer?"

I shrugged. "I've thought about making dandelion wine and the like, but not beer. I thought it'd be too difficult."

"I think you'd be really good at it," Master said enthusiastically. "I mean, you like science, you like chemistry - "

"And I like beer," I finished with a laugh.

"What if I got you a microbrewing kit? Would you like that?"

"Yeah, I would."

I've been thinking about the idea of femininity as a subculture. Like, there are activities that women have traditionally participated in, stories we've passed to one another, that kind of thing. How much of this culture should be cherished and carried on, and how much should be discarded as patriarchal baggage? How can we differentiate the two?

If I take up brewing beer because it used to be a feminine endeavor, am I being empowering? I want to say yes because the idea of anything beer-related being feminine has fallen far from society's consciousness. Also, beer-brewing used to be an avenue of power for women; I'd like to think I'm honoring those women who used brewing as a way to get some measure of control over their lives in a world that was far unfriendlier than the present day's.

Hmmm

2009-09-13T00:43:00.001-05:00

I'm going down to visit Master next Friday. In order to spend a decent amount of time with him, I'm leaving early Friday, which means skipping class. The question is... should I let my profs know I'm going to be gone, or just... not show up? Decisions...

Also, random observation of the day: the dreams that turn me on the most are the ones where I give blow jobs. More so than the ones were I have sex. Which, now that I think about it, are much less frequent.

Incognito

2009-09-04T22:26:00.002-05:00

I find one way to draw attention away from my collars, when I'm going to be in situations where I want to be a little more subtle, is (paradoxically) to wear a necklace or two with it.By pairing my collar with a necklace or two, the whole thing blends together and the collar itself stands out less.

My particular favorite combo is my white leather collar with a replica of the One Ring on a silver chain. :)

Okay, so it's not exactly "subtle," but punk rockers draw less attention than BDSMers.

There and back again

2009-09-03T00:11:00.002-05:00

Master came, and we had fun.

I was spanked, dominated, fucked for the first time in months. It was wonderful. We didn't even use any of the toys (other than my food dish), though I kind of wish we had. I just never thought to ask in the heat of the moment. And we needed to be careful of making too much noise much of the time.

We cuddled and cuddled and cuddled. I slept better than I have in weeks when I was next to him.

In a few weeks I'm going down to see him. Just a few weeks - not months, like it was last time.

I think we can do this.