So about that...

I suppose I should get around to talking about my playtime with Master and Lupa.

It actually happened rather suddenly. I was over at Master's apartment and he suddenly asked, "Do you want to ask [Lupa] if she wants to stay over?"

I blinked as I processed what he was saying. "Okay!" I called her on my phone; once she picked up, I said, "Saay... I'm staying over at [Master's] tonight, and we were wondering if you'd like to come over... and perhaps stay over."

"Oh reeaaaallly?" Lupa replied.

"No pressure; you don't have to."

"Do you guys have an alarm? I have to get up early tomorrow."

"Yeah, we can set an alarm for you."

"Okay! I'll be right over."

As Master and I waited for Lupa to arrive, he asked me what I wanted to do this time around. I said I liked the game "Who's On Top" last time we played, so it'd be cool to do that again. The element of chance was thrilling. When Lupa came over, we played video games and talked and hung out until bedtime. At that point, Master took us into the bedroom and said, "Now [Lupa], do you remember the game we played last time? 'Who's On Top?' Tonight were going to play a slightly different game called... [Lupa's] On Bottom."

Lupa and I giggled excitedly. After much caressing and kissing and so on, we tied Lupa's hands behind her back and pushed her down onto the bed. Then we started playing with her ass - spanking, fondling, and eventually cropping and flogging, too. Master and I switched off; one would beat her ass while the other would kiss and caress her top half. Lupa tends to wear several layers, and that night was no exception; we would peel away one layer, spank/flog/etc her ass some more, than slowly remove the next layer, and continue the process untill we'd reached bare skin. Her cheeks were a beautiful cherry red - it was fascinating! I couldn't stop touching and caressing and fondling her ass.

It was a bit strange because throughout it all I didn't feel particularly dominant. I felt... playful. Like when I play-wrestle or have a poke-war with a friend of mine; I'm being forceful, yes, and physical, but only because I like to tease my friend and get a reaction from them, not because I want to assert power or control. So, yes, I was topping, but I wasn't domming. I still felt distinctly submissive to Master the entire time; I looked to him for direction.

Anyway, eventually we all got naked and moved on to the sexin'. I got to use my strap-on for the first time. ^_^ It was pretty awkward at first, since I'd never used one before, but the entire scene was very low-key and low-pressure, so we just fumbled along and giggled at any mistakes. As long as we enjoyed ourselves, yeah?

Using the strap-on was... interesting. I mean, it definitely felt great. The pressure on my pubic bone was amazing, and at one point Master started going down on Lupa while I was inside her, and I could feel the vibrations up my toy - incredible! I could even feel her pulse. But, on the other hand, I had no kinesthetic awareness with the toy. I couldn't feel if I was inside Lupa or not; I couldn't feel if I was too deep or not deep enough or anything (easily remidied by Lupa telling me, but still). I also wasn't at all used to the whole thrusting thing. But I got the hang of it quickly enough.

At the end of it all, as we all lay together, I said, "I love you both!"

Master said, "I love you both, too."

And Lupa chimed in, "I love you both too!"

:)

Who am I to say?

I was going to write about the playtime Master and I had with Lupa the other night, but something else just happened that I want to get off my chest, so the happy-fun-sexy time will have to wait for later.

Today at lunch I was talking with my former roommate and some other friends, and somehow (I'm not even sure how this came up), my roommate started talking about a video she saw during HRC leadership training about a summer camp for transkids. "And there was this one scene that showed all the kids down at the beach, right, and there was this boy wearing a one-piece swimsuit, and it was the weirdest thing I had ever seen! I mean, you're at the beach! It shouldn't matter, right?"

I grimaced at her calling a (apparent) transgirl a "boy." You'd think they'd have covered that in the training session. "But that doesn't matter," I said, referring to the fact that it was technically socially acceptable for the transgirl to have her chest exposed. "All her life she's been picking up the societal cues that are sent to girls, and so she feels the need to cover her chest."

"And that's another thing," my roommate said. "They say the're breaking down the gender binary... by reinforcing the opposite side? How does that work? I mean, I don't define myself by my breasts."

Oh dear. I've heard that one before.

I should have spoken up at that point, saying that being transgendered is about so much more than that - so much more than gender stereotypes. I should have said that it's about the body you see in the mirror in the morning never matching what you expect in your mind. I should have said it's about hesitating whenever you're asked to check/circle one, M or F, because you know what people are expecting you to choose is not the one you know is right, and have known is right since the day you were born. I should have said that the reason some transgendered people dress/act in ways typical (some might even say stereotypical) to their gender identity is because otherwise people would keep gendering them incorrectly.

I should have said all that. But I didn't because I knew what she would say.

How would I know? I can't speak with any authority about being transgendered - because I'm not.

No, I'm not, I would reply. I'm definitely cissexual. But I've heard and read the words of several transgendered people, and that's where I've gleaned my understanding, however flawed it may be because of my cissexual paradigm. Perhaps my roommate would to well to actually listen to what transgendered people have to say as well.

I should have said all that, but I didn't. I was too afraid that I'd get shouted down or laughed away, so I clammed up and slumped down in my chair as she went on to criticize a transgendered friend of ours who apparently wasn't passing enough and therefore wasn't "really" transgendered. Eventually I was so uncomfortable with the tone of the conversation that I had to leave.

I was a poor ally today. I need to improve if I'm going to be of any help at all.

Birthday suits

I'm a bit of a nudist. I looove to romp around Master's room naked (he loves it when I do this too, hahaha), and when I don't have a roommate to worry about I romp naked around my room too. My enthusiasm's worn off on Master, too; sometimes, after sex, I'll lounge on the couch and read a comic book while he surfs the web, and we'll both be completely nude, something which he says he used to be uncomfortable with.

Thing is though, I feel really uncomfortable wearing clothes when Master isn't. I think it's because being naked makes me feel vulnerable and exposed - which I like, since I feel safe and secure when I'm around master - and so when I'm clothed and he's not it feels like I have more power than he does. Eeeeeeeeeeh! I don't want more power! That's his territory!

My very first SM dream. D'awww.

I'm home for the weekend (read: away from Master), and even though it's only been a day I must be feeling kink-deprived, since I had my first really vivid dream involving BDSM. In it, Master sent me away to another heterosexual couple (that exist only in my head) on the other side of the country as a "gift." I took the train there, and when I arrived at their house one of the first things they did was bend me over a table, tie my arms down, and whip my bottom raw with their hands and a cane. Then the man started working my shoulders/upper back with a flogger while the woman did all sorts of naughty things to my vulva with her hands and mouth. They had me reduced to a limp, incoherent mess in no time.

Once they did that, they untied me and sent me to a large kennel crate to make my "den." I had all the items that I have in my "kitty corner" at Master's apartment - a big yellow body pillow, a sheepskin throw, a regular pillow - as well as some furs and blankets that I don't have in real life. I cheerfully crawled around on all fours and arranged my bed until it was just so; at one point, the guy was on the phone with Master, telling him how things were going so far, and at one point the man said, "I don't think she even remembers my name." He put his hand over the mouthpiece of the phone and said to me, "Kitten, what's my name?"

I thought for a moment, blinked, realized I had no idea, and just shrugged and mewed. The man and woman laughed, and I could sense Master's amusement, even though he was miles away.

I think part of the "inspiration" for this dream was that I was given a good spanking by someone other than Master or Lupa for the first time last weekend. It was O, at a lingerie party, and while he hit harder than I'm used to, it was still a thrilling experience. It was different, and while Master's touch never fails to send chills down my spine (in the best way), experiencing a different top was incredible fun.

However, I don't think I'd like ever playing out my dream's scenario in reality. Kink is very intimate to me, and I quail at the idea of being shipped far away from Master to some people I don't even know. Ew. Not to mention it's plain dangerous.

Ooooh, I'm all worked up now. I wanna playyy! *can't wait to see Master again*

That went well

I "came out" as poly to my ex-girlfriend last night. It happened to come up in conversation, so it wasn't like a "I have something very important to tell you" thing.

The first thing she asked was whether I get tested for STDs, which for me is a "Yeah, duh" but it's a legitimate concern, I suppose.

The next thing she asked was whether I ever get jealous. I told her every once in a while, but for the most part both Master and I are fine - and when one of us does get jealous, we talk it over and work things out.

"Man, I don't think I could do that," she said.

"It's not for everyone," I replied. So far, so good. Pretty standard stuff, and she's taking it well.

"I dunno - that doesn't seem like a real relationship to me. You guys aren't making an actual commitment or anything."

Damn.

I pointed out that, ideally, one enters a relationship for many more reasons than just sex, and that Master and I will always hold the relationship between us as our first priority. (Even then, some poly people don't prioritize their relationships, which is still a valid form of doing things, but I thought pointing out this aspect might appeal to her monogamous values.) She didn't buy it.

It's possible that part of the problem was that I wasn't accurately describing the nature of mine and Master's relationship and she wasn't getting the right impression; I was working on homework at the time and didn't have the time to hash out the nitty gritty details of my sex life. I also didn't mention the kinky part of our relationship; on the one hand, it's probably a good thing I didn't, considering her moderate-conservative streak, and on the other hand it does make the poly thing easier to understand, I think. We may play with other people, but he is my only Master; I am his only pet. That's what makes our relationship significant (among other things).

I was tempted to point out that she has little to no authority to criticize the validity of mine (my?) and Master's relationship, since she has since "gone straight." This may just be me, but saying she no longer dates girls feels like she's invalidating our two-year relationship in high school. But that would have been petty, and probably would have just pissed her off.

*sigh* Oh well. Can't win 'em all, I guess.

How

There's only one other D/s relationship that Master and I know of personally - a gay couple in town. Master says that O is "intrinsically submissive" to E. I haven't watched those two in action very much, so I don't really know what he's talking about. Still, maybe I should talk to O and see what being submissive entails for him.

It goes back to what I posted about before - sometimes I feel more submissive than other times. Indeed, sometimes I feel decidedly un-submissive. The problem with this is that it makes Master feel like he's not doing his "job" right - like he doesn't really matter, because I'll just be submissive when I feel like it.

Which is not good. Obviously.

I think this is more of a "me having a bad personal flaw" thing instead of a "me not being cut out to be a submissive" thing. When I was in a non-D/s relationship in high school, one of my girlfriend's only (but persistent) complaints was that I wasn't putting as much energy into the relationship as she was. The same thing is happening here, I think. I'm not putting as much energy into being a sub as Master is into being a Dom.

Because let's face it - being a sub isn't just about lying back and taking a spanking. It's hard work. It requires constant mental discipline. Which is probably the one thing I lack most.

So. I need to do better from now own. I need to be more diligent; I can't allow myself to get lazy.